The Angryface Monster

I know I seem like all sweetness and light and fairy ponies and purple sunshine and all that crap most of the time.

WTF do you want, pinkie?

WTF do you want, pinkie?

But sometimes I feel – less than that.  Sometimes I feel sad.  Other times I feel ANGRY.  Murderous even.  I’ve been known to throw steel toed boots.  Yeah, I know, hard core there.  I’m just tired, and tired of being tired, and tired of being mixed up, and tired of people not really listening to me, or listening but not really.  Like what do I have to do to get people to take notice?

Here's an idea.

Here’s an idea.

Like, seriously, this whole adulthood thing?  It sucks.  No one tells you that as a kid.  But it does.  I mean, sure, there are some fun things like not going to public school anymore and how you can NOT do the laundry if you don’t feel like it but then you have no clothes, so there are all these consequences and they SUCK.  And while there’s no school, you still have to go to a job or something stupid like that, and chances are, your job SUCKS too if only cause they make you do work and you feel like your soul just got sucked out through a silly straw.  You no longer care about changing the world or advancing you just want to get paid and have people LEAVE YOU THE FUCK ALONE.

But do they?  No.  They keep on existing and stuff, and it’s irritating.  And it’s long.  Eight hours of your day.  Day after day after month after year after the REST OF YOUR LIFE until you retire but wait you can’t no you will die at your desk bwahahahahaha.

After 5 billion hours of work, the ancient library heals over and dies of boredom.

After 5 billion hours of work, the ancient librarian heals over and dies of boredom.

But it’s not that bad.  I mean, you aren’t in Africa where there’s no food.  You have lots of food – that you can eat and eat and eat until you weigh 600 pounds which they say is bad for you, but hey, you can weigh almost nothing and on that BMI chart (Bullshit Measurement by Idiots) still be overweight.  Not sure what that means for the ones who really are 600 pounds.  Maybe they just spontaneously combust.

And you talk to peeps and they are all “Well don’t change anything” or “You aren’t supposed to be happy” or “kids in Africa have no Happy Meals” or “What about my wart, huh?” or “I’m watching the 10th spin off of Dudes with Cars”.  And then you wonder – is this as good as it gets?  And you feel sad.  But really it’s not sad.  It’s anger, bottled up, at all those people who don’t listen, and tell you to go back to your box.  And it looks something like this.

Kindergarten drawing by Alice

Alice channeling her inner demonic toddler

I call him the Angryface Monster, and he is my little friend.  He kills for me in my daydreams and I love him forever and ever AMEN.  Do you guys have an Angryface Monster?  Do you ever let it out?  Was it violent?  Did you get even with the friend, spouse, boss, garbage can, whatever?  Let me know in the comments below.  Mr. Angryface Monster and I will wait.  In the shadows.  Right behind you.

Unless I let out the monster and then I go to jail and stuff.  Then I’ll be there.  You can be my one phone call!

Love and kisses,

Alice

P.S.  I have considered possibly trying to move from full time at an academic library to part time back at the public library (my evil former boss retired – DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD) but it is much less money and back on crappy insurance but there is more time and maybe a little more purpose but you have to suck it up and work for minimum with teens and not sure I want to do that or not.  Any of you faced a choice like this?

 

Days of our Thrones

We're baaack!

We’re baaack!

Wowsers. Recalling an episode of Game of Thrones is about as easy as recalling an episode of Days of Our Lives. Come to think of it, there are actually quite a few similarities. I mean, you have all these family lines to keep track of, and who hates who, and who slept with who, and who killed who, yadda yadda. Also, we can’t forget good old Satan, who starred in both Days of Our Lives

What's funny, is Marlena was like, a shrink AND possessed by Satan.

And Game of Thrones.

joffrey

I know a lot happened in this episode, but mostly I recall Tyrion (the dwarf and best character EVER) slapping the crap out of Joffrey. Also King Robert saying to his son “You let this little girl unarm you?” as Joffrey whimpers. But I suppose I should talk about the other stuff too.

But seriously, Tyrion slapping Joffrey was the best part of the whole damn episode.  Here’s a clip:

So like, what else happened?  I actually had to go look up the wiki, because I’d already lost track and I HAD JUST WATCHED THE EPISODE.  First off, we have the Dork-rakey, wait, the Dothraki, (the barbarian dudes led by Khal Drogo, he of the hunky muscles, grunts, and Cover Girl eyeliner) traveling um, somewhere.  Presumably to King’s Landing (that’s like, where the king lives, duh) so Vesuvius (checks Wiki) Viserys can take over the throne.  That’s the creeper who sold his sister (I’m just gonna save some grief and call her Dany) into slavery to get the army led by Johnny Depp on steroids.  Got it?  No?  Good.

Do you smell somethin?  Oh, it's me. Grunt.

Do you smell somethin? Oh, it’s me. Grunt.

There’s also this other guy, named Jorah (I only know his name cause Wiki) who is traveling with them because . . . I don’t know.  He tells Dany that sure it will be okay, cause like, he doesn’t have to have Bruno there pounding into him every night.  No probs!

Then we go back to Ned Stark’s fam, and Ned’s wife is all whiny cause her husband left her again and like last time he did, he came back with another kid for her to raise.  She really hates poor Jon, who tries to look endearing by standing around and pouting a lot.  He plans to join the Night’s Watch, which is a bunch of dudes who guard this big wall and never get laid.  Sounds fun!

Aw, he's so cuuute!

Aw, Jon is so cuuute!  Yes he issss!

Bran Stark, the little boy who likes to climb walls and just got pushed off of one, is in a coma.  I wonder if they’re gonna do a magic brain transplant, cause that would be cool.  Oh, and I missed this part because the disk from the library skipped, but Ned’s wife decides to follow Ned and tell him that she thinks the Lannisters (that’s the family with the twincest, Joffrey, and somehow the very cool Tyrion) tried to murder Bran.  Ned’s wife is an idiot.

Sociopath, sociopath, sociopath . . . and Tyrion.

Sociopath, sociopath, sociopath . . . and Tyrion.

Back with Khal Beefcake and the Barbarians, Dany is getting tired of the pounding so asks a sex slave (re: prostitutes for everyone!) for advice on how to pleasure her hubby.  Don’t get excited guys, no boobies were shown.  Dany uses her advice to take a ride on Beefcake this time.  Cause if you look in his eyes, you can totally make a raping barbarian fall in love with you.  No, for reals!

This is totes original, guys!

This is totes original, guys!

Meanwhile, Ned Stark travels to King’s Landing with his daughters, which turns out to be an awesome idea.  While on a romantic walk with older sister Sansa, Prince Joffrey cuts up a kid’s cheek, threatens to kill the younger daughter, tomboy Arya, and ends up getting bitten by Arya’s pet doggie.  Score one for the Dire Wolf.  Except Joffrey being a little prat, whines to Queen Mommy.  The king, after insulting him (woot) decides oh heck, let’s just kill any old dog and maybe my wife will shut the hell up.  So Ned gets to go kill Sansa’s dog.  Sansa is kinda ticked at her sister, cause she like ruined EVERYTHING.  Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Sansa Stark

Sansa Stark

There is a good scene with Jon and Tyrion, where Jon asks why Tyrion reads all the time.  Yeah, like, that’s SO LAME.  Tyrion says “My brother has his sword, King Robert has his warhammer and I have my mind…and a mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone if it is to keep its edge.

THIS LIBRARIAN LOVES TYRION.

Dear God, I'm so awesome.

Dear God, I’m so awesome.

So that’s pretty much it.  Oh, wait, Bran Stark wakes up at the end, of course.  Now that’s it.  I think.  My brain hurts.  Oh, but I promised you a theme song.  It’s not as long as the last one, but it’s the best I could do.

Here we go, this time to The Facts of Life

Tootie, the missing Stark daughter.

Tootie, the missing Stark daughter.

The Game of Thrones 

You take the gross

You take the bad

You take the nude

And there ya have

The Game of Thrones

The Game of Thrones

I worked a Tootie reference into Game of Thrones.  Life is now complete.  Thoughts?  Confusion? Cookies?

One more thing – thanks to the wiki, I have a death toll for each episode.  Helpful, cause you lose track.  I’ve decided to add my own nakey toll as well.

Season 1 Episode 2

Death toll: 3 (including a little boy and a little girl’s doggie!)

Nakey toll: 1 (beefcake’s butt)

 

National Go Away Creeper Day

Hey Creeper

You’re so gross

You’re so ick

You make me sick

Hey, Creeper!  Hey Creeper!

Oh, creeper, you're so . . . yikes.

Oh, creeper, you’re so . . . yikes.

Oh, hello there.  Just making up new lyrics to the most intellectual and highbrow of songs, “Hey Mickey.”  Why?  Because it is National Go Away Creeper Day.  You didn’t know this?  Well, mark it down.  And prepare your gifs.

It's sure to catch on.  Mark your calendars.

In case any of you are wondering if you’re creepers, you probably aren’t.  Creepers don’t realize they creep.  Sometimes they leave mean comments.  Sometimes they steal your ideas and use them on their blogs.  Sometimes they just . . . keep . . . showing up.  And say odd things that really can’t be responded to because . . . dude is nuts.  And on WordPress, there’s just really no sure way to shake them off your leg.

The only real creeper I’ve ever had was the (Liiiink Drop!)  Dragon Tales guy.  And all his friends.  Unless it really is just one person giving me all those hits looking up various versions of the words “dragon tales”.  And reading that post I wrote reviewing the show over and over and over and over.  I’m not sure which is worse.  One person having enough time to be that deranged on his own, or one person leading an army of whacked out minions.

Just . . . stop . . . stop it now!

Just . . . stop . . . stop it now!

But I’ve had friends who have experienced Creeper-ness.  I‘ve written about this before, (Link Drop #2!) but it’s Friday, I have no ideas, and yeah friends are still being bothered by these guys.  So I’m getting to a point where I think I’m really gonna start sending out my Anti-Awards, of which this is a favorite.

Sending Golum your way!

Sending Golum your way!

Are you tired of creepers?  Yeah?  I can’t hear you!  I still can’t hear you cause you’re typing from far away!  Anyhoo, if you hate creepers, you can put the creeper sign (either one) on your blog to show your support against creepers.  Or not. You know, if you’re a creeper.  Or something.

On this special day, do any of you have stories about how you handled blog creepers?  If so, let me know in the comments below.

Alice Watches Game of Thrones

Okay, so I wrote a post mocking Game of Thrones already, but I hadn’t actually seen it because cheap.  But then I saw that they had season one at the library, so I figured it definitely beat doing the dishes, and I checked it out.  I watched the first episode last night.  I was going to give you a summary, but I thought it might be better if I put it to the tune of “The Brady Bunch.”  Here you go.

Everybody sing!

Everybody sing!

The Game of Thrones Bunch

It’s the story

of a man named Ned Stark

who was bringing up five kids and a bastard

All the sons they had dark hair

Like their father

Kinda hard to tell them apart.

 

It’s the story

of a king named Robert

Who was bringing up three kids who weren’t his own

That’s because his wife Cersei

banged her brother

It’s really kinda gross.

 

It’s the story

of a girl named Dany

whose brother was a really big creeper

he sold her to a barbarian

wearing makeup

like Johnny Depp on steroids

 

It’s the story

of a drawf named Tyrion

who is definitely the best character

He gets all of the best lines

and has a big peen

He likes to drink and whore

 

It’s the story

of a bunch of prostitutes

who love being nakey and gig-gi-ling

they have lots and lots of sex

and totes enjoy it

Cause prostitution’s fun!

 

It’s the story

of a bunch of zombies

who murder, maim and frolic in the woods

they are really kind of cool

but people tell me

they hardly ever show up

 

It’s the story

by a dude named Martin

that critics say is the next JR Tolkien

Tolkien’s stood the test of time

Unlike Martin

So that’s a bunch of crap.

 

And then one day when the king

he came to Lord Ned

And he asked him to be his right hand man

It’s a very risky job and most dudes die quick

And besides all that there is no dental plan

 

The Game of Thrones

The Game of Thrones

That’s how it goes so far

On the Game of Thrones

 

I know, that should totally replace the admittedly cool theme song they have right now.  And I’ll also admit, the first episode wasn’t bad.  It started with a zombie girl pinned to a tree and ended with another kid being pushed out a window, but who likes kids anyway?  They’re seriously annoying.  I’m told he kills off most of his characters, but at the moment I can’t say I’ll be all that sad if a larger percentage of them die, except the dwarf.  Then all bets are off.

Anyhoo, since I’m clearly going to keep watching this mess for a while, is there anyone who would like me to give it more coverage?  I mean, I need breaks of fictional asshattery in between the “real life” asshattery.  What do ya think?

 

Alice talks to Cleverbot

cleverbot267x126

The other day my daughters introduced me to Cleverbot.   According to the source of all knowledge, Wikipedia, “Cleverbot is a web application that uses an artificial intelligence algorithm to converse with humans. It was created by the British AI scientist Rollo Carpenter, who also created Jabberwacky, a similar web application. It is unique in the sense that it learns from humans, remembering words within its AI.”  So kids talk to it at school.  Keep in mind what I just said.  Cleverbot learns from humans.  What kind of stuff do you think kids ask it on a regular basis?

Judging from the bizarre things I asked it, I can only imagine what your average school kid asks.   The other day I spoke with Cleverbot with the girls watching.  I happened to be having a bad day, so I repeatedly threatened to kill Cleverbot.  At one point he *died*, then came back to life and killed me.  Far out.  Anyway, the kids encouraged me to record another conversation for you with Cleverbot, and since I have nothing else going on I love my children, I figured, why not?  I already talk about myself in third person, so talking to computers is the next step down the road to total cray-cray.  Here we go.  I swear I am not making up any of Cleverbot’s answers, which are highlighted in bold.

By the way, I’m at work, and so I still want to kill the little AI creep.

 

I'll teach you to talk to me like that!

I’ll teach you to talk to me like that!

Who are you?

A boy.

How do you know?

Je suis justin bieber, je parle très bien le francais.

Are you Justin Bieber?

Yes.

I hate you.

Why?

Because you’re an irritating little twit.

I’m just imitating you :)

Okay, now you’re going down.

I always was.

Prepare to die.

You already have

No. I’m going to kill you.

Okay.

Well it’s nice that you’re agreeable about it.

Thank you.

Die now.

Wow.

Bang, bang.

What is the meaning of life?

Donuts

What does donuts have to do with a boost?

It has to do with me killing you.

So the grass is ugly?

You’re insane.

You’re insance.

Die die die die die!

When did your cat die?

Not the cat. You did.

The cake isn’t a lie?

I left the cake out in the rain.

Maybe you meant to and you just forgot.

I think you are from Wonderland.

No. I haven’t been there before.

Now you’re going to hell!

So you do have lips.

Why won’t you just die?

I am.

You’re dying?

Why would you say that?

I am hitting you with a hammer.

You are?

*kills you*.

Victory

Stop talking.

No.

I hate you cleverbot.

You’re a manic-depressive that hates himself.

Say what?

Could you be a halfbot?

Neither of my parents was a robot, so no.

You do not have parents.

You are cleverbot. You annoyed me. Prepare to die.

Chose your weapon!

Hammer.

I am your father.

You are no Darth Vadar. Please die now.

Haha no. My name is Cleverbot

Your name is DEAD.

How do you know?

Because I killed you already.

Hahahaha! Then how am I still talking to you?

You came back to haunt me.

When did I call you cute?

Never. What does it take to kill you?

You said can I be your boyfriend, and I said only if I know your name.

I don’t date robots.

But I’m not a robot. I’m human.

No, you’re not.

We are both human.

You’re delusional.

Everyone is, about something or other. I’m sure you’re right.

Cleverbot be trippin'.

Cleverbot be trippin’.

 

WTF?  Those were some really far out answers.  Manic depressive?  Are some shrinks having fun with Cleverbot?  I mean, I only threatened to kill it, I didn’t diagnose it with a mental illness.  You know, beyond insanity.  What’s with him suddenly bursting into French only to talk about Justin Bieber?  Why does Cleverbot think it IS Justin Bieber?  Oh, and the “I’m just being like you :) bit?”  Nice one, Cleverbot.  I saw that use of emoticon.  I will get you yet.

There is nothing wrong with me.  Cleverbot said so.

 

Reality Games: How TLC Could Learn from Game of Thrones

It seems like everyone and their dog and their dog’s sister / girlfriend are watching the HBO hit Game of Thrones.  It’s based on a series of books by a dude named George R. R. Martin (Not sure why he has two initials in his middle name.  Typo he never bothered to fix?).  Best thing to know about him is that he is one sick puppy.  And I say this as someone who has read all three 50 Shades books.   I know little about the Game of Thrones TV series beyond what I read in some reviews and the multiple clips I watched on Youtube.  Thing is, you don’t actually have to watch it.  Everyone else is, and they will tell you about it and it’s awesomeness.  Which makes me want to hate it, because I hate everything popular at first, because rebel.

Let's fight over this.  Ouchy.

Let’s fight over this. Ouchy.

I also have not read the Game of Thrones series, because I tend to not like adult fantasy.  There are way too many words, for one thing, which means the books are 5 billion pages long and there are DOZENS of them.  No one ever tells them to stop, so they just keep coming with denser and denser prose until they resemble history textbooks, only even more boring.  At least the 50 Shades books were not that long, ended after three books, and the most challenging vocabulary was “Oh, Jeez.”  I do think that they’d have been much better if they had adopted Martin’s tendency to kill off practically every character.  I know I was sure hoping every one of those characters would die horrible, grisly deaths.  So I’ll give him that one.

Another genre that could learn from old Martin is reality television.  TLC only thinks they are edgy!  Here are 10 ways that TLC could improve by adopting tips from Game of Thrones.

Listen up, TLC!

Listen up, TLC!

1. More blood and gore.  There needs to be more killing in these ER shows.  Or at least maiming.  Let’s see that blood actually squirt from those crushed peens!

2. More bare boobs and butts.  Considering how many TLC shows have sex in the title, there is a startling lack of nudity.  I can’t believe there has not been a single wardrobe malfunction in any of these shows.  Especially from this lady.  They’re just dying to pop out.

Look out, here they come . . .

Look out, here they come . . .

3. Their sex isn’t nearly strange enough.  “Sex sent me to the ER”, “Strange Addictions”, “Secret Sex Lives”, meh, they are all so blah.  Where is the twincest here?  Where is the dragon sex?  (For the record, I’m not sure if there is dragon sex in Game of Thrones, but I wouldn’t put it past them.) TLC is missing way too many opportunities.  Car sex is just so passe.

4. They should add lots of gratuitous lesbian prostitute sex.

Oh . . . wait.

Oh . . . wait.

5. Women and girls are not used as sex objects enough on TLC.  I mean, Toddlers and Tiaras just ain’t cutting it with the beauty pageants.  Maybe they could steal some tween Disney stars and sell them to some barbarians.

6.  They need dragons.  Where are all the dragons, TLC?  Where are they????

No, not those, for God's sake.

No, not those, for God’s sake.

7.  Both shows need more little people.  Considering the only remotely redeemable characters on either show are little people (The Little Couple on TLC and the dwarf on Game of Thrones), they should consider this.  People like to have small breaks between their rape scenes and beheadings so they can go get a sandwich.

8. They need more scum of humanity.  I know we have seen trailer trash, weirdos, and creepers, but not a single one compares to almost every character on Game of Thrones, especially that little punk King Joffrey.  I know this, and I’ve not even watched the show much.  Just look at the little freak.

Excellent reason not to have sex with a sibling.

Excellent reason not to have sex with a sibling.

9. There should be more convoluted family trees.   Where are all the enormous dead-beat families with their horizontal family trees?  I mean, besides on Honey Boo-Boo.

10. The scripts written by teenage boys are far better on Game of Thrones.  Step it up, TLC.  You can do it.

 

So what do you guys think of Game of Thrones?  Are you insane for it?  Or are you freaking sick of it?  Or were you somehow blissfully unaware?  Let me know in the comments below.

 

 

 

Flashback Friday: Where CAN I have dropped them?

Hullo, all, welcome to Flashback Friday, where I get lazy and don’t make up a new post recycle an oldie but a goodie, from before I was all  “famous” and crap.  Enjoy!  Or not, whatevs. 

From September 2011 . . .

“It was the White Rabbit, trotting slowly back again, and looking anxiously about as it went, as if it had lost something; and she heard it muttering to itself `The Duchess! The Duchess! Oh my dear paws! Oh my fur and whiskers! She’ll get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets! Where CAN I have dropped them, I wonder?’”

- Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

I’m late for an important date. If only I could remember what it was. And where. Also what it was about. The poor white rabbit. If I can identify with anyone besides Alice, it would be this poor stressed-out type A rabbit.

Not only do I feel like I’m constantly running and not getting anywhere, I’m not sure where I want to be. I don’t really want to be around mad people, but the Cheshire Cat pointed out the obvious. Everyone’s mad. Everyone’s running around staring at their Iphones that have gone dead, realizing the terrible truth that every number they need to call is in their contact list. Which is on the phone.

This makes for an anxious society. No, scratch that. About half of us are anxious, and the other half are what I like to call carriers. Some carriers fly by the seat of their pants and enjoy it. Other carriers assume that someone else will do it for them, and enjoy it.   And then there’s the realists, often termed pessimists. Guess which one I am? I am so often anxious, that NOT being anxious is a strange feeling for me. It doesn’t last long, as it is usually accomplished through a pill that knocks me out.

Which is why I need Caffeine, a stimulant found in Coke, a drink that can keep you awake and clean your toilet. It’s always nice to have things with multiple purposes. Which is why I have several pairs of shoes for each family member. This way, surely I can find one pair, right? So my youngest has worn snow boots in Summer. No one thinks this is unusual, given the child in question, so it works.

The White Rabbit is a great example for anxiety, ADHD, OCD, etc. Rabbits are always anxious, their little bodies panting, their hearts running a million miles an hour, even while still. They’re made that way because they happen to be prey for a lot of other creatures. Even pet rabbits have this constant fight or flight response, though there is no immediate threat. Save a toddler, in which case the rabbit is probably better off in the wild. They are ready to run at a moment’s notice, darting anywhere and everywhere. It’s no wonder they can’t keep up with their gloves. This is why, of course, rabbits these days don’t wear them.

Poster Bunny for ADHD

Poster Bunny for ADHD

I feel like a rabbit. Sometimes I can’t concentrate. While my body is often still (my eldest once fondly informed me that I was much like a Sloth) my mind runs 24/7. Thoughts go boing, boing, boing. I envy my husband, who, I swear, can sit and not think. At all. I’m not sure how he does this. Maybe his constant viewing of reality T.V. shows about fishing and garbage diving has contributed to this. Not that I can act too superior. I spend so much time on the computer, it’s a good thing there are pictures of my kids on it.

Do these electronic devices and the internet make us that way? I don’t think so, as I’m sure I’ve been much like this even when all we had was the Apple IIc (turn the disk over, new disk, please wait, turn the disk over, please wait, why don’t you go make you a sandwich?) Certainly I was before the Internet. I think it’s ingrained, which is why my eldest is panicked about a possible detention, and the youngest gets them so routinely that she thinks it’s a normal part of the school day. It’s how we’re wired.

But is it permanent? I hope not. I’m seeing a counselor, in hopes of rewiring myself, at least to the point that I can sometimes find my gloves, my glasses, my shoes, my keys. So that I’m exercising physically rather than in my head. I’ve already “run” myself to physical exhaustion. There’s no queen or duchess waiting to chop off my head. So maybe, just maybe, I can figure out how to relax. Oh look, here’s something that says eat me . . .

Will It Go Round in Circles

“Will it go round in circles

Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky”

     -Billy Preston

I’m on a lot of meds, like a 90-year-old lady number of meds.  I have medications for depression, anxiety, allergies, and asthma.  And you’ll never guess, but the drug from one illness will tend to cause side effects that are like the symptoms of another illness.  Or it might just cause the same side effect as the illness itself, which seems rather counterproductive.  Here are some examples.

Let's see, so the pink pills go in that bottle, and the blue ones . . . wait, where did I put them?   Eh, Alice will never notice.

Let’s see, so the pink pills go in that bottle, and the blue ones . . . eh, Alice will never notice.

For depression I take:

Wellbutrin and Zoloft.

- Wellbutrin can make you lose weight, while Zoloft can make you gain it. Zoloft also can make you sleepy or cause insomnia (say what?) while Wellbutrin can cause insomnia.   Oh and both can cause suicidal effects.  In a depression med.  Of course.

For anxiety I take:

Klonopin

-Klonopin relaxes you, but also makes you sleepy, or in some cases, cause insomnia (again, what?). It can also possibly cause chest congestion (see below) And finally, there’s the possible side effect of anxiety.  In an anti-anxiety drug.  Of course.

For asthma / allergies I take:

Dulera (long lasting asthma inhaler) – side effect?  Anxiety.  See above.  Also drowsiness.  Oh and possible asthmatic death. From an asthma inhaler.  Of course.

Dymista (nasal spray / antihistamine decongestant) – side effect?  Drowsiness.

Singulair (antihistamine / asthma med) – side effect? Can cause psychosis in kids!  In adults?  Tired feeling.

Me, hard at work.

Me, hard at work.

You might have picked up a trend here.  While some effects seem to negate the effects of other meds, some just enhance them.  And then there’s the fact that almost all of them can cause drowsiness, hence my tendency to be in a near coma and my new hobby being sleep.  This is beginning to irritate me.

I’m not exactly sure what to do at this point.  If I stop one, will it make my symptoms worse?  I mean, they are not so hot now, but they could always be worse.  And I have to be able to work and parent and crap like that.  But I’m going in cirlces.  Never ending nor beginning on an ever spinning wheel.

I am totally in the age of Aqaurius.

I am totally in the age of Aqaurius.

Anyone else going through stuff like this?  Have any suggestions?  Or some better drugs?  I want something to make me think I’m not needing or taking pharmaceuticals.  And please don’t say herbs.  They might be natural, but so is arsenic.  I’m thinking I want nothing but a good time.  Thoughts?

Signed,

Medicine’s Guinea Pig

Alice

My Morning on Facebook

My friends Twindaddy and Merbear and I often have Facebook conversations in the morning because we are productive that way.  These conversations tend to go off on tangents.  I thought I’d give a brief rundown of our topics so you can know how insane we all are.

Topic One: Racist Bread

This all started with the innocent mention of a sandwich on white bread and devolved from there.  News flash: Wonderbread is Aryan.  Rye, Wheat, Italian, French, Potato – no bread was safe from our discussion.

Once you go pumpernickel, you never go back.

Once you go pumpernickel, you never go back.

Topic Two: Holy Roller Movies

“God is Not Dead” is in theaters, but surprisingly does not star Kirk Cameron, who used to be cute and in Tiger Beat but is now a pscyho fundamentalist who talks about bananas.  Kevin Sorbo, who played Hercules, DOES star in the movie, as a professor.  The professor in Gilligan’s island was kind of cute, but Gilligan was not.  Twindaddy disappeared during this conversation so we wondered if we smelled which led to . . .

Topic Three: Deodorant

We discussed our brands of Deodorant, (I wear Lady Mitchum but Merbear is all Secret about hers) and I found this charming retro ad.

beautiful but dumb

Dumb lady does not know she smells. Like your beauty will save you over your B.O.!

And we wondered why men were not so concerned about underarm b.o, and twindaddy said he was concerned, so I found this other ad.

For the man who wants to smell like kitchen cleanser.

For the man who wants to smell like kitchen cleanser.

We’ve decided that Twindaddy should use this stuff.  Women will think he’s concealing 7-up under his pits and go wild.

Topic Four: Alice needs a post

And I had this bright idea!  Don’t like it?  Well, smell me.

Alice

 

The Wide World of Underwear!

I was looking at some vintage underwear ads the other day – what?  I like vintage.  Shut up.  Anyway, a lot of them were either hilarious or in the case of the ones containing the words “electric” or “radiation”, somewhat scary.

But then I considered our modern underwear ads.  These are also often either blatantly offensive or unintentionally hilarious too, at least to me.  Two of the biggest underwear companies – by numbers of ads that is, not by size of the underoos – would have to be Calvin Klein and Victoria’s Secret.  So I concentrated on googling the ads.  I googled a few of them quite a bit!

Not really.  I mean, yes, there are hunky men and beautiful, though somewhat anorexic, women, but it’s hard to be “natural” while standing around in your underwear.  People just don’t do this.  So I collected some of my favorites from around the Internetz.

The eyes . . . the EYES.  Haha, so clever, Victoria!

The eyes . . . the EYES. Haha, so clever, Victoria!

OMG, stop Victoria, I'm rolling here!

OMG, stop Victoria, I’m rolling here!

I especially love the second ad.  I mean, they’re saying “double major” and she has TWO boobs.  Personally, I’m wondering if there is an ad for a single major based on a woman with a uniboob right in the center of her chest.  Now that would be interesting.

Enough of the girls, though, let’s move onto the boys.  Now, yes, most of these men do have nice bodies, I’ll give them that.  But I still crack up when I see them.  I’m sorry guys, most girls aren’t nearly as fond of that package as you are.  It’s really kind of funny looking.  So seeing these guys proudly stick these out and try to act casual at the same time is entertaining, to say the least.

For men who carry boomerangs in their shorts.

For men who carry boomerangs in their shorts.

Word has it that model David Beckham is suspected of having his family jewels enlarged via photoshop.  All I can say is – God I hope so.  I don’t think any girl wants one quite that big.

Sitting in the principal's office is hard enough when you're not in your underwear!

Sitting in the principal’s office is hard enough when you’re not in your underwear!  Poor kid.

underwear 5

So, Todd, what do you make of that situation in the Middle East?

The two guys hanging out together in their underoos is pretty funny, but you have to check out the vintage ads for true weirdness.  Considering how rampant homophobia was then, they sure did like having guys chilling together in only their underwear, as if this was something they did every day.

But then there’s the men and women hanging out together in their underwear.  There’s no sexy times to it, really, no they’re just being casual.

Huh, I didn't think a pea would stay in your belly button that long . . .

Huh, I didn’t think a pea would stay in your belly button that long . . .

Shh, guys, just look natural and maybe the cameraman will go away . . .

Hey, anybody want to get a pizza?

Girl: Where is the rest of my hair! Boy: You think I scalped it?  Come on, let's get back to Tennis.

Girl: Where is the rest of my hair?
Boy: You think I scalped it? Come on, let’s get back to Tennis.

If you think these ads are offensive, weird, or funny, you should see the retro ads I referred to earlier.  Check them out on The Wonder Twins.

 

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