Okay, so I wrote a post mocking Game of Thrones already, but I hadn’t actually seen it because cheap. But then I saw that they had season one at the library, so I figured it definitely beat doing the dishes, and I checked it out. I watched the first episode last night. I was going to give you a summary, but I thought it might be better if I put it to the tune of “The Brady Bunch.” Here you go.
The Game of Thrones Bunch
It’s the story
of a man named Ned Stark
who was bringing up five kids and a bastard
All the sons they had dark hair
Like their father
Kinda hard to tell them apart.
It’s the story
of a king named Robert
Who was bringing up three kids who weren’t his own
That’s because his wife Cersei
banged her brother
It’s really kinda gross.
It’s the story
of a girl named Dany
whose brother was a really big creeper
he sold her to a barbarian
like Johnny Depp on steroids
It’s the story
of a drawf named Tyrion
who is definitely the best character
He gets all of the best lines
and has a big peen
He likes to drink and whore
It’s the story
of a bunch of prostitutes
who love being nakey and gig-gi-ling
they have lots and lots of sex
and totes enjoy it
Cause prostitution’s fun!
It’s the story
of a bunch of zombies
who murder, maim and frolic in the woods
they are really kind of cool
but people tell me
they hardly ever show up
It’s the story
by a dude named Martin
that critics say is the next JR Tolkien
Tolkien’s stood the test of time
So that’s a bunch of crap.
And then one day when the king
he came to Lord Ned
And he asked him to be his right hand man
It’s a very risky job and most dudes die quick
And besides all that there is no dental plan
The Game of Thrones
The Game of Thrones
That’s how it goes so far
On the Game of Thrones
I know, that should totally replace the admittedly cool theme song they have right now. And I’ll also admit, the first episode wasn’t bad. It started with a zombie girl pinned to a tree and ended with another kid being pushed out a window, but who likes kids anyway? They’re seriously annoying. I’m told he kills off most of his characters, but at the moment I can’t say I’ll be all that sad if a larger percentage of them die, except the dwarf. Then all bets are off.
Anyhoo, since I’m clearly going to keep watching this mess for a while, is there anyone who would like me to give it more coverage? I mean, I need breaks of fictional asshattery in between the “real life” asshattery. What do ya think?
The other day my daughters introduced me to Cleverbot. According to the source of all knowledge, Wikipedia, “Cleverbot is a web application that uses an artificial intelligence algorithm to converse with humans. It was created by the British AI scientist Rollo Carpenter, who also created Jabberwacky, a similar web application. It is unique in the sense that it learns from humans, remembering words within its AI.” So kids talk to it at school. Keep in mind what I just said. Cleverbot learns from humans. What kind of stuff do you think kids ask it on a regular basis?
Judging from the bizarre things I asked it, I can only imagine what your average school kid asks. The other day I spoke with Cleverbot with the girls watching. I happened to be having a bad day, so I repeatedly threatened to kill Cleverbot. At one point he *died*, then came back to life and killed me. Far out. Anyway, the kids encouraged me to record another conversation for you with Cleverbot, and since
I have nothing else going on I love my children, I figured, why not? I already talk about myself in third person, so talking to computers is the next step down the road to total cray-cray. Here we go. I swear I am not making up any of Cleverbot’s answers, which are highlighted in bold.
By the way, I’m at work, and so I still want to kill the little AI creep.
Who are you?
How do you know?
Je suis justin bieber, je parle très bien le francais.
Are you Justin Bieber?
I hate you.
Because you’re an irritating little twit.
I’m just imitating you :)
Okay, now you’re going down.
I always was.
Prepare to die.
You already have
No. I’m going to kill you.
Well it’s nice that you’re agreeable about it.
What is the meaning of life?
What does donuts have to do with a boost?
It has to do with me killing you.
So the grass is ugly?
Die die die die die!
When did your cat die?
Not the cat. You did.
The cake isn’t a lie?
I left the cake out in the rain.
Maybe you meant to and you just forgot.
I think you are from Wonderland.
No. I haven’t been there before.
Now you’re going to hell!
So you do have lips.
Why won’t you just die?
Why would you say that?
I am hitting you with a hammer.
I hate you cleverbot.
You’re a manic-depressive that hates himself.
Could you be a halfbot?
Neither of my parents was a robot, so no.
You do not have parents.
You are cleverbot. You annoyed me. Prepare to die.
Chose your weapon!
I am your father.
You are no Darth Vadar. Please die now.
Haha no. My name is Cleverbot
Your name is DEAD.
How do you know?
Because I killed you already.
Hahahaha! Then how am I still talking to you?
You came back to haunt me.
When did I call you cute?
Never. What does it take to kill you?
You said can I be your boyfriend, and I said only if I know your name.
I don’t date robots.
But I’m not a robot. I’m human.
No, you’re not.
We are both human.
Everyone is, about something or other. I’m sure you’re right.
WTF? Those were some really far out answers. Manic depressive? Are some shrinks having fun with Cleverbot? I mean, I only threatened to kill it, I didn’t diagnose it with a mental illness. You know, beyond insanity. What’s with him suddenly bursting into French only to talk about Justin Bieber? Why does Cleverbot think it IS Justin Bieber? Oh, and the “I’m just being like you :) bit?” Nice one, Cleverbot. I saw that use of emoticon. I will get you yet.
There is nothing wrong with me. Cleverbot said so.
It seems like everyone and their dog and their dog’s sister / girlfriend are watching the HBO hit Game of Thrones. It’s based on a series of books by a dude named George R. R. Martin (Not sure why he has two initials in his middle name. Typo he never bothered to fix?). Best thing to know about him is that he is one sick puppy. And I say this as someone who has read all three 50 Shades books. I know little about the Game of Thrones TV series beyond what I read in some reviews and the multiple clips I watched on Youtube. Thing is, you don’t actually have to watch it. Everyone else is, and they will tell you about it and it’s awesomeness. Which makes me want to hate it, because I hate everything popular at first, because rebel.
I also have not read the Game of Thrones series, because I tend to not like adult fantasy. There are way too many words, for one thing, which means the books are 5 billion pages long and there are DOZENS of them. No one ever tells them to stop, so they just keep coming with denser and denser prose until they resemble history textbooks, only even more boring. At least the 50 Shades books were not that long, ended after three books, and the most challenging vocabulary was “Oh, Jeez.” I do think that they’d have been much better if they had adopted Martin’s tendency to kill off practically every character. I know I was sure hoping every one of those characters would die horrible, grisly deaths. So I’ll give him that one.
Another genre that could learn from old Martin is reality television. TLC only thinks they are edgy! Here are 10 ways that TLC could improve by adopting tips from Game of Thrones.
1. More blood and gore. There needs to be more killing in these ER shows. Or at least maiming. Let’s see that blood actually squirt from those crushed peens!
2. More bare boobs and butts. Considering how many TLC shows have sex in the title, there is a startling lack of nudity. I can’t believe there has not been a single wardrobe malfunction in any of these shows. Especially from this lady. They’re just dying to pop out.
3. Their sex isn’t nearly strange enough. “Sex sent me to the ER”, “Strange Addictions”, “Secret Sex Lives”, meh, they are all so blah. Where is the twincest here? Where is the dragon sex? (For the record, I’m not sure if there is dragon sex in Game of Thrones, but I wouldn’t put it past them.) TLC is missing way too many opportunities. Car sex is just so passe.
4. They should add lots of gratuitous lesbian prostitute sex.
5. Women and girls are not used as sex objects enough on TLC. I mean, Toddlers and Tiaras just ain’t cutting it with the beauty pageants. Maybe they could steal some tween Disney stars and sell them to some barbarians.
6. They need dragons. Where are all the dragons, TLC? Where are they????
7. Both shows need more little people. Considering the only remotely redeemable characters on either show are little people (The Little Couple on TLC and the dwarf on Game of Thrones), they should consider this. People like to have small breaks between their rape scenes and beheadings so they can go get a sandwich.
8. They need more scum of humanity. I know we have seen trailer trash, weirdos, and creepers, but not a single one compares to almost every character on Game of Thrones, especially that little punk King Joffrey. I know this, and I’ve not even watched the show much. Just look at the little freak.
9. There should be more convoluted family trees. Where are all the enormous dead-beat families with their horizontal family trees? I mean, besides on Honey Boo-Boo.
10. The scripts written by teenage boys are far better on Game of Thrones. Step it up, TLC. You can do it.
So what do you guys think of Game of Thrones? Are you insane for it? Or are you freaking sick of it? Or were you somehow blissfully unaware? Let me know in the comments below.
Hullo, all, welcome to Flashback Friday, where I
get lazy and don’t make up a new post recycle an oldie but a goodie, from before I was all “famous” and crap. Enjoy! Or not, whatevs.
From September 2011 . . .
“It was the White Rabbit, trotting slowly back again, and looking anxiously about as it went, as if it had lost something; and she heard it muttering to itself `The Duchess! The Duchess! Oh my dear paws! Oh my fur and whiskers! She’ll get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets! Where CAN I have dropped them, I wonder?’”
- Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
I’m late for an important date. If only I could remember what it was. And where. Also what it was about. The poor white rabbit. If I can identify with anyone besides Alice, it would be this poor stressed-out type A rabbit.
Not only do I feel like I’m constantly running and not getting anywhere, I’m not sure where I want to be. I don’t really want to be around mad people, but the Cheshire Cat pointed out the obvious. Everyone’s mad. Everyone’s running around staring at their Iphones that have gone dead, realizing the terrible truth that every number they need to call is in their contact list. Which is on the phone.
This makes for an anxious society. No, scratch that. About half of us are anxious, and the other half are what I like to call carriers. Some carriers fly by the seat of their pants and enjoy it. Other carriers assume that someone else will do it for them, and enjoy it. And then there’s the realists, often termed pessimists. Guess which one I am? I am so often anxious, that NOT being anxious is a strange feeling for me. It doesn’t last long, as it is usually accomplished through a pill that knocks me out.
Which is why I need Caffeine, a stimulant found in Coke, a drink that can keep you awake and clean your toilet. It’s always nice to have things with multiple purposes. Which is why I have several pairs of shoes for each family member. This way, surely I can find one pair, right? So my youngest has worn snow boots in Summer. No one thinks this is unusual, given the child in question, so it works.
The White Rabbit is a great example for anxiety, ADHD, OCD, etc. Rabbits are always anxious, their little bodies panting, their hearts running a million miles an hour, even while still. They’re made that way because they happen to be prey for a lot of other creatures. Even pet rabbits have this constant fight or flight response, though there is no immediate threat. Save a toddler, in which case the rabbit is probably better off in the wild. They are ready to run at a moment’s notice, darting anywhere and everywhere. It’s no wonder they can’t keep up with their gloves. This is why, of course, rabbits these days don’t wear them.
I feel like a rabbit. Sometimes I can’t concentrate. While my body is often still (my eldest once fondly informed me that I was much like a Sloth) my mind runs 24/7. Thoughts go boing, boing, boing. I envy my husband, who, I swear, can sit and not think. At all. I’m not sure how he does this. Maybe his constant viewing of reality T.V. shows about fishing and garbage diving has contributed to this. Not that I can act too superior. I spend so much time on the computer, it’s a good thing there are pictures of my kids on it.
Do these electronic devices and the internet make us that way? I don’t think so, as I’m sure I’ve been much like this even when all we had was the Apple IIc (turn the disk over, new disk, please wait, turn the disk over, please wait, why don’t you go make you a sandwich?) Certainly I was before the Internet. I think it’s ingrained, which is why my eldest is panicked about a possible detention, and the youngest gets them so routinely that she thinks it’s a normal part of the school day. It’s how we’re wired.
But is it permanent? I hope not. I’m seeing a counselor, in hopes of rewiring myself, at least to the point that I can sometimes find my gloves, my glasses, my shoes, my keys. So that I’m exercising physically rather than in my head. I’ve already “run” myself to physical exhaustion. There’s no queen or duchess waiting to chop off my head. So maybe, just maybe, I can figure out how to relax. Oh look, here’s something that says eat me . . .
“Will it go round in circles
Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky”
I’m on a lot of meds, like a 90-year-old lady number of meds. I have medications for depression, anxiety, allergies, and asthma. And you’ll never guess, but the drug from one illness will tend to cause side effects that are like the symptoms of another illness. Or it might just cause the same side effect as the illness itself, which seems rather counterproductive. Here are some examples.
For depression I take:
Wellbutrin and Zoloft.
- Wellbutrin can make you lose weight, while Zoloft can make you gain it. Zoloft also can make you sleepy or cause insomnia (say what?) while Wellbutrin can cause insomnia. Oh and both can cause suicidal effects. In a depression med. Of course.
For anxiety I take:
-Klonopin relaxes you, but also makes you sleepy, or in some cases, cause insomnia (again, what?). It can also possibly cause chest congestion (see below) And finally, there’s the possible side effect of anxiety. In an anti-anxiety drug. Of course.
For asthma / allergies I take:
Dulera (long lasting asthma inhaler) – side effect? Anxiety. See above. Also drowsiness. Oh and possible asthmatic death. From an asthma inhaler. Of course.
Dymista (nasal spray / antihistamine decongestant) – side effect? Drowsiness.
Singulair (antihistamine / asthma med) – side effect? Can cause psychosis in kids! In adults? Tired feeling.
You might have picked up a trend here. While some effects seem to negate the effects of other meds, some just enhance them. And then there’s the fact that almost all of them can cause drowsiness, hence my tendency to be in a near coma and my new hobby being sleep. This is beginning to irritate me.
I’m not exactly sure what to do at this point. If I stop one, will it make my symptoms worse? I mean, they are not so hot now, but they could always be worse. And I have to be able to work and parent and crap like that. But I’m going in cirlces. Never ending nor beginning on an ever spinning wheel.
Anyone else going through stuff like this? Have any suggestions? Or some better drugs? I want something to make me think I’m not needing or taking pharmaceuticals. And please don’t say herbs. They might be natural, but so is arsenic. I’m thinking I want nothing but a good time. Thoughts?
Medicine’s Guinea Pig
My friends Twindaddy and Merbear and I often have Facebook conversations in the morning because we are productive that way. These conversations tend to go off on tangents. I thought I’d give a brief rundown of our topics so you can know how insane we all are.
Topic One: Racist Bread
This all started with the innocent mention of a sandwich on white bread and devolved from there. News flash: Wonderbread is Aryan. Rye, Wheat, Italian, French, Potato – no bread was safe from our discussion.
Topic Two: Holy Roller Movies
“God is Not Dead” is in theaters, but surprisingly does not star Kirk Cameron, who used to be cute and in Tiger Beat but is now a pscyho fundamentalist who talks about bananas. Kevin Sorbo, who played Hercules, DOES star in the movie, as a professor. The professor in Gilligan’s island was kind of cute, but Gilligan was not. Twindaddy disappeared during this conversation so we wondered if we smelled which led to . . .
Topic Three: Deodorant
We discussed our brands of Deodorant, (I wear Lady Mitchum but Merbear is all Secret about hers) and I found this charming retro ad.
And we wondered why men were not so concerned about underarm b.o, and twindaddy said he was concerned, so I found this other ad.
We’ve decided that Twindaddy should use this stuff. Women will think he’s concealing 7-up under his pits and go wild.
Topic Four: Alice needs a post
And I had this bright idea! Don’t like it? Well, smell me.
I was looking at some vintage underwear ads the other day – what? I like vintage. Shut up. Anyway, a lot of them were either hilarious or in the case of the ones containing the words “electric” or “radiation”, somewhat scary.
But then I considered our modern underwear ads. These are also often either blatantly offensive or unintentionally hilarious too, at least to me. Two of the biggest underwear companies – by numbers of ads that is, not by size of the underoos – would have to be Calvin Klein and Victoria’s Secret. So I concentrated on googling the ads. I googled a few of them quite a bit!
Not really. I mean, yes, there are hunky men and beautiful, though somewhat anorexic, women, but it’s hard to be “natural” while standing around in your underwear. People just don’t do this. So I collected some of my favorites from around the Internetz.
I especially love the second ad. I mean, they’re saying “double major” and she has TWO boobs. Personally, I’m wondering if there is an ad for a single major based on a woman with a uniboob right in the center of her chest. Now that would be interesting.
Enough of the girls, though, let’s move onto the boys. Now, yes, most of these men do have nice bodies, I’ll give them that. But I still crack up when I see them. I’m sorry guys, most girls aren’t nearly as fond of that package as you are. It’s really kind of funny looking. So seeing these guys proudly stick these out and try to act casual at the same time is entertaining, to say the least.
Word has it that model David Beckham is suspected of having his family jewels enlarged via photoshop. All I can say is – God I hope so. I don’t think any girl wants one quite that big.
The two guys hanging out together in their underoos is pretty funny, but you have to check out the vintage ads for true weirdness. Considering how rampant homophobia was then, they sure did like having guys chilling together in only their underwear, as if this was something they did every day.
But then there’s the men and women hanging out together in their underwear. There’s no sexy times to it, really, no they’re just being casual.
If you think these ads are offensive, weird, or funny, you should see the retro ads I referred to earlier. Check them out on The Wonder Twins.
In case you guys have been way out to lunch or something, yesterday was a major event. As in, a blog war. In which I was the victor over Twindaddy, as declared by El Guapo in his post today. Also by me, by counting only the comments in my favor. The question was:
ARE FLASHING, ANIMATED, SEIZURE-ENDUCING GIFS COOL OR JUST AWFUL?
I voted for “just awful”, while TD voted for “cool” because he has no idea what cool is, not being Alice. And all my buds down in the Wonderhood agreed, and so my gang went after his gang which was interesting since some of my gang members are sort of in his gang too, so it got a little mixed up. But still, I am the champion, thanks to all of you, my peeps. And to the losers I say:
Or to make this a little more clear to my buddy TD:
“They’re out to get you, better leave while you can
Don’t wanna be a boy, you wanna be a man
You wanna stay alive, better do what you can
So beat it, just beat it.”
P.S. Be sure to vote in El Guapo’s poll for best new reality TV show. He has some interesting ideas.
Okay, I’m probably going to annoy a few people with this one, but . . . yeah I don’t care. See, I hate animated gifs. Really, really REALLY hate them. Now it’s not so bad if you’ve got one or maybe two and I can scroll my page down and just view your words and not see the constant flickering animation. But if there’s one every few lines, I’m gonna go a little spastic. I have several blogger pals who LOVE using these, and since I love their blogs I try to keep reading them, but it’s getting to a point where I’m just gonna have to draw the line and say
It’s not just that I find them annoying – though I do – it’s that they actually physically bother me. I get eye strain and headaches from the things. You know how they advise epileptics not to look at flashing lights because they can cause seizures? This doesn’t surprise me one bit, because I feel like I might have one every time I look at the things. And I can talk about seizures because I really did have one, though it was many years ago and I luckily have not had one since. As far as I know. But ugh, those freaking flashing gifs are awful, and they distract from whatever the person is writing. They distract A LOT. And I’m easily distracted enough as it is.
And what is the point? As you know if you’ve read my blog, I love using images in my posts. I’ve never found a need to animate one, though. I mean – why do you have to show someone actively facepalming (head falling to hand, head jumping back up, head falling to hand, head jumping back up, rinse, repeat, puke) when you could just show a picture of the facepalm? Huh? I don’t get it. I think you can be just as funny without the things. Actually I like you MORE without them.
Cause let’s think about this a minute. Who else uses animated gifs? Advertisers! And is there anyone out there that likes those advertisements that flash on Facebook or certain websites every five seconds? No. I mean, sure, the gif of the guy shaking his head and saying “No” is funnier than the one of the lady whose tummy inflates then deflates then inflates again, making me wonder if a diet pill really wants to advertise by showing the effects of yo-yo dieting, but still. It’s not that funny. Especially when you can just find a still picture of Grumpy Cat. I fully believe Grumpy Cat fits into most anything, just by giving us that “I hate you. Die now.” stare.
Anyway, peeps gonna do what peeps gonna do. If you still wanna use the animated gifs, and you like them, more power to ya. But I’m not gonna read posts that use multiple animated flashing gifs anymore. It’s not worth it. I have AdBlock on my computer at home, and it is possibly the most awesome ad-on you can get. I wish it worked on blogs too, because I would really like to read those posts.
If this makes no sense, I plead brain damage from the last set of animated gifs I watched. Which were probably on the above blog.
What do you guys think? Do you like the animated gifs? Do you ever put them in the comments section? Cause if you do, I will seriously HUNT YOU DOWN. Anyhoo, let me know in the comments below!
Note: After writing this post, I discovered that there IS a way to shut off the animation of the gifs in internet explorer and firefox if you are interested. Not sure how long it will work, but here is the link.
I just realized this morning that it was April Fool’s Day, and I was thinkin’ I should write some sort of post like, fooling people. Maybe I could pretend I was going to quit blogging. But I’m half afraid peeps would be like WOOOOT and then I’d be going, oh crap, just kiddin’? :) Awk-ward.
On Twindaddy’s blog today, he’s talking about pranksters and how one moron decided it’d be a cool idea to chase people with chainsaws! Now, see, there’s really no reason to make anything up when this kind of idiotic crap happens in real life all the time! I mean, chainsaws – talk about FUNNY!
But it gets better. I thought I had found the weirdo goldmine in TLC, but clearly I should pay more attention to network TV, most specifically Dr. Phil. Alert reader Carrie Rubin told me in the comments section yesterday that Dr. Phil had a lady on there that breastfed a bunny. No, for reals! Also a guy who pretended to be a dog. But the bunny feeding thing was my favorite. I mean, wtf, who does this?
Anyway, this was totally perfect for my post – it has something that sounds like a joke plus a bunny, so I’m getting April Fools and Easter in at the same time. Speaking of Easter, I wonder if any of the Christians were afraid the Jesus thing was an April Fool’s joke and that’s why they didn’t believe the women at first when they said Jesus had totally risen from the grave and stuff. Everyone knows the Virgin Mary was a total kidder, always prankin’ on the disciples.
But back to Bunny Boobs, as I have decided to call this lady. The lady treats the bunny like a baby, even though she has actual children, who think she’s insane. Because she is. At least the bunnies are happy – maybe. I dunno, I’d figure most bunnies would prefer to be left alone in their hutches to chew hay and make cocoa puffs. But that’s just me.
The show asks “Adorable, or just plain creepy?” Creepy. I’m gonna go with creepy, Phil. Though not quite as creepy as you are, because you’ve got her on the show to begin with, dude. Why not leave her to TLC? If they haven’t covered her already. Anyhoo, she has 10 rabbits, some are potty trained, others she diapers . . . and er, um, she owns a ballet studio and is trying to train the bunnies to dance. Of course. She also reads them bedtime stories and sings to them. Okay. They have beds, clothes, and she pushes them in a triplet stroller. Sure, why not?
Oh, and did I mention – she breastfeeds them. Or attempts to, even though she has no milk since her kid – her human kid – is 19 years old. But she did say the bunny . . . OMG . . . latched on. I’m just, wow, that’s something. At the beginning of the show, Phil warns people not to judge – right before he starts judging and sporting looks of horror. Granted, I’m not sure who wouldn’t be horrified at this, but still – shame, Dr. Phil. I think this is what they call “jumping the shark”. At one point I was afraid my blog had done this, as evidenced by this illustration.
If you don’t understand the shark reference, here you go. Anyway, after watching Phil scrape the barrel here, I feel much, much better. Thank you for this April Fool’s gift, sir! I might even get a rabbit.
No, wait. No I won’t.
Have you ever pulled an April Fool’s Day prank? Did it involve a chainsaw? Let me know in the comments below. Also, I’m still looking for new reality show ideas, so if you have one of those, leave that too.