I am TOP BLOG and stuff

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m almost jealous of all those peeps doing Nanoblowmore.  I mean, sure, they are about to lose their minds and have been doing every wacky thing possible for a post, but there’s this definite sense of camaraderie that comes with desperation and/or possible insanity. Plus I’ve gotten to read lots more posts from you guys than usual.  At last you are fulfilling your duties to ENTERTAIN ME.  Well done.

Which is why, sense November is almost over, I wanted to join in on some of the posts.  For one, I’ve seen award posts for the first time in a while.  And I got an award!  I’m sure this has nothing to do with needing another post either!  Well, not in all cases.  I actually got this award twice, which is kind of funny, but since it was merbear and twindaddy who gave it to me, I’ll write about it.

Speech, Alice, Speech!

Blog of 2013 the year!  Huh?

I am really proud of this one.  Of all the eleventy-billion blogs out there, I am the blog of the year.  Woooot!  I have beaten everybody else!  I am Queen of the Internetz!  I am . . . wait . . . how come other people have this thingy?  It says Blog of the year, not blogs.  I’m beginning to think this might be another chainmail award or something crazy like that!  Fortunately, I don’t care.

I’m supposed to nominate more peeps?  I can’t take this kind of pressure, you guyz.  Besides, I’m still going with the whole I am THE blog of the year, because I am happy in my delusions.  Also lazy.  But hey, there was another bandwagon people were on lately.  Peeps did tarot card readings on this totally legit site and I said this looks ridiculous, ME TOO.

First up, how I feel about myself right now.

That figures.

That figures.

The site says “You feel discontent or uneasy and feel a need for a change in your life, a new direction, perhaps even an adventure.”  And it’s represented by The Fool.  I’m thinkin’ a new direction probably wouldn’t be a good idea if I’ve got this moron fueling my destiny.  I’ll pass.

Next card – What I want most at this moment.

WTF???

WTF???

No offense, Mr. Death, but I’m not wanting you right now.  No death wishes.  I would think drawing this card to be a slighly bad omen, sort of like having Cancer as your birth sign (I’m so lucky).  But the site says “The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is absolute change, to end what you no longer want and start anew . . . However catastrophic such changes could be, embracing them will only make you grow in wisdom and experience.”  Or, you know, die.

Next up, my fears.  For some reason, Mr. Happy Death doesn’t appear here.  instead we get the Herc.

Well, this is awkward.

Well, this is awkward.

I like how the dude is riding a lion in this one.  That shows strength.  Also stupidity.  This card says “Whether you are recovering from ill health, a broken marriage or relationship, or challenges at work, you will find the will power to come out on top.”  Well, that about covers everything, doesn’t it?  I’ve had ill health, problem relationships, and challenges at work, but now I know if I ride a lion, I can be on top.  Thanks Tarot!

And now what I have going for me!  Yay!

A dude with a harp?  You're kidding me, right?

A dude with a harp? You’re kidding me, right?

The site says “It’s a time to celebrate with friends and loved ones, perhaps enjoy a well-earned holiday, a time of pleasure and good news around children or the conception or birth of a longed-for baby.”  What?  Baby.  Nooooo.  No no no no.  Go away angel dude.  No babies here.  Don’t even think about it.

So what’s going against me when I’ve got sun boy going for me?

Da fuq?

Da fuq?

According to this, that freaked out card represents “the world.”  So “the world” is against me.  Awesome.  But it adds “As always, fear holds us back and so often leads to missed opportunities. Do not give up or change direction this late in the game just because you have experienced delays – stick with it, have faith and trust the universe, and you will reach the successful conclusion you are wanting.”  Whatever that might be.  See, we’re always right here at Tarot international!

Finally: Outcome.

Outcome is chubby guy on a throne.  Okay.

Outcome is chubby guy on a throne. Okay.

This guy is called “The Emperor” but he doesn’t look anything like the guy in Star Wars.  Which I guess is a good thing.  According to this card “Expect success and achievement of your goals, this is a time for fulfillment of your ambitions. If you have placed your trust in your father, husband/partner or a man of significance in your life, they will come up trumps for you.”  Thank goodness I have me a man!  I have to wonder, though, what this means for straight guys with no dads.  Huh.

Well, there you go.  I’m thinking maybe the dove candy wrappers might be about as useful, but who knows?  I’ll let ya know.  In fact, if you’d like me to do a tarot reading for you, complete with necessary sarcastic remarks, I’d be happy to do so.  Just ask.  I know. That’s why I’m Blog of the Year.

You’re welcome.

Alice

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37 responses

  1. If you got nominated for that award twice, you should find the award that has two of the stars highlighted! :-D

    1. Hey, yeah, how come only one star has color . . .

      1. Because the graphic’s mean like that. Fortunately, google has the others like this one: http://blackbutterfly7.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/blog-of-the-year.jpg?w=604

        1. Woot. I am totally getting the TWO STAR award now.

    1. Oooh, interesting, interesting. You feel there is justice in the world (pfft) and so that nasty legal issue will be resolved (shame on you), though you’re still a little scared since you’re being blackmailed about, you know, the thing but luckily you’re also self-disciplined and strong, which is why you got in trouble, ha, and yet confused what with that affair you have going on with a three-faced woman and her goat, but in the end all will be sunny when you have that longed-for goat child. Cards: Justice, Judgment, hanged man, strength, moon, sun.

      1. I can’t believe you nailed my ex-girlfriend (not literally). But she wasn’t actually three faced. She was what is commonly referred to as a two-faced bi..h. So at least you got the multiple part correct. Well done.

  2. I want a lion to ride. *pout*

    1. A unicorn would be better. Careful of the horn, though.

  3. Congratulations! yes, that’s THE blog of the year. I couldn’t resist and picked 6 cards too: The star says, I will recieve a gift (yep sounds good), the devil says what I most want at the moment is: forbidden fruits, the magician says I’m afraid of a new man in my life (no, thanks one is enough), the judgement says success is going on for me, the wheel of fortune says I have a run of bad luck, so I can safe the money for a lottery ticket and the stregth as the last card says I need more courage. Not bad for a monday :o)

    1. So definitely don’t go on Wheel of Fortune and attempt to pick up Pat Sajak. Good advice.

  4. That’s one big pussy (cat) that dude is riding.

      1. Do you get a prize for lasting longer than 8 seconds?

        1. Sure. Just be sure and use protection.

          1. After Herc took a ride, it might have Herpes.

          2. Herc has the herp, eh?

          3. Herc has the herp from the hump.

          4. PSA: Kids – don’t do Herc.

          5. Made even worse by that lion skin skirt he wears.

          6. I’m sure that only fuels the fire.

          7. C’mon baby light my fire.

  5. Give me Liberty or give me Death! Someone had to draw it… though maybe Tarot readings can be like draw poker and you can discard the ones you don’t want…

    1. Sounds like a plan to me. Once I drew and got three-faced Sally and her mutt. I don’t trust her.

      1. I’ve heard the head in the middle is somewhat reputable… though I can’t remember if it was on the chick or the dog…

  6. Another baby, you say?! Wow!! Congrats….oh, kidding. You are so well versed in the Tarot. You are so talented, Alice.

  7. Why does the one with the two heads turn me on quite so much OH SHIT, SORRY, I hope I wasn’t thinking out loud just then. Awkward x 1000.
    Ahem, anyway, I would say you weren’t just THE blog of the year, but would venture to say THE CENTURY. Hell, THE MILLENNIUM (that word took six attempts to spell correctly. For any other blogger I would’ve muttered ‘To HELL with it’, slammed down my laptop lid and gone to find some processed meat. But for you, I persevered. Why? Because you’re worth it).
    But why DOES the dude with the two heads turn me on? BOLLOCKS. Inner monologue. INNER monologue.

    1. I like millennium (I got to cheat and look at your spelling – otherwise I would google or spell check as my spelling sucks). I happy you think I’m worth it, especially seeing as how you are so close with that stick guy who is so popular.

      But I’m curious – the one with two heads – are you talking about the part guy / part girl or the one with the multiple faces? Granted they’re both pretty hawt, but I was just trying to clarify.

      1. The part guy/part girl one. Sheesh. I need a cold shower.

  8. Congratulations on getting 2 stars!
    And speaking of Tarot cards, I don’t think the pictures match the description. A dude with a harp and bow = sun? A thing with two heads = world? A naked guy picking out fleas out of lion’s mane (just look at their expressions!) = strength???

    1. Interesting to examine the cards in a cynical manner. I think my brain is just too much mush right now. The guy with the harp and bow made perfect sense to me, even when I was trying to come up with strange interpretations. I’m just so brain-fried right now I cannot “unsee” Apollo.

  9. Love your take on the tarot! Only way to read it if you ask me…

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