Alice’s Thanksgiving Special 2013

Note: I was gonna put this up on actual Thanksgiving, like I do with most holidays, then I remembered you would all be drugged out on tryptophan or dodging death at the stores.  So here it is one day early!

I wasn’t sure if I could top last year’s festive Thanksgiving post in which I managed to mention tin foil turkeys, capitalism, and smallpox infected blankets all in one post.  I told the story of the first Thanksgiving, which I’m sure is totally true and stuff, so now I’ve got to think of something different to talk about but it’s Thanksgiving and let’s face it, no one really cares about that holiday.  Except that we get time off and good food but then we pay for it with having to see our families.

Well most people get time off, but not those in retail!  Nopes, that’s because there is a much, much more important holiday than Thanksgiving known as Black Friday.  It used to be on Friday, but people went insane, camping in front of stores for days on end, getting into fights, and just generally running amok all over the stores like they’d suddenly morphed into chimps high on crack.  So they moved it up to Thursday.  And now people camp outside, get into fights, and run amok (I like that word) like chimps on actual Thanksgiving instead of the Friday right after at two A.M.

These people have been here since last week.

These people have been here since last week.

Notice you never see decorations for Thanksgiving but you DO see Christmas stuff just as soon as Halloween is over?  That’s because Black Friday is actually the first day of Christmas.  Kind of like how Good Friday comes right before Easter, only it’s something evil rising this time.  I know you thought there were only twelve days, but you’re wrong.  There’s like up to six weeks of Christmas.  Joy, joy, joy!  I’m so THANKFUL.

Back when they had Black Friday on an actual Friday, I went with my friend L and her father in order to have the true Black Friday experience.  We stood in line in the cold early Friday morning, waiting for Target to open because there was something we wanted that was cheap and because we were out of our minds.  They opened the doors and kapow, people shot through the gates like racehorses.  One guy actually leaped over a couple of carts, and some jerk cut in front of us which was pretty brave considering L’s father is like 8 feet tall.  Fortunately, no one was trampled this time because then we would have had to cut our shopping trip short, like those poor people in Wal-Mart after that employee was killed. (Click to enlarge)

I can't see how anything could go wrong here.

I can’t see how anything could go wrong here.

Only on Black Friday can you hear “Ronald, there’s a fight in electronics, please come.” on the loud speaker.  I missed the fight, but apparently it was over a camera.  We got our crap and then got into another line, this one wrapping around the inside of the store.  L’s dad isn’t the patient type, so he wandered around and found the jewelry counter with no waiting.  He called L’s cell phone and we hurried over to the jewelry counter and checked out lickety-split!  Then L’s dad announced loudly “Hey, no waiting at jewelry!”  The employees gave us the death stare, and we made the good decision to run.

You might be wondering what kind of stuff would be worth putting up with Black Friday or Thursday or whatever you want to call it.  Well look no further, because I have a list of some of the hottest items for Christmas this year.

Arghhh kill IT!

Arghhh kill IT!

In case you didn’t recognize this freakish electronic thing, it’s a Furby.  They were big years ago but then died out but guess what?  They’re back!  The description reads “A whole new generation of Furby critters is about to hatch! Collect virtual eggs, hatch furblings. Get yours in time for Christmas 2013!”  Eggs?  Hatching?  Furblings?  Be afraid.

Maybe try Legos.  Those seem innocent enough.

Look, an educational museum - let's rob it!

Look, an educational museum – let’s rob it!

This Lego set is called Lego City Police Museum Break-in.  Because it’s never to early to teach your children a life of crime!  Granted you’re supposed to have the cops capture the robbers, but I know I’d totally have the robbers getting away, because that’s just the kind of gal I am.

But Legos require some imagination, and let’s face it, that crap is highly overrated.  Try this instead.

It's the new Wii PS Xbox 14, just in time for the holidays!

It’s the new Wii PS Xbox 14, just in time to be out of date next month!

For all the children who are into electronic gaming, we have the latest whatever it is!  This system allows you to play all the best games like Call of Heavy Duty Theft Killzone.  In order to satisfy demand, stores will issue exactly six of these each.

For the professional in your life – even if we’re talking professional couch potato – look no further than Apple.

The iPhone 10 . . . or whatever.

The iPhone 10 . . . or whatever.

At last we’re getting into what adults will like (because we know adults never play video games).  At least, I hope that only adults have a phone that costs over 600 dollars.  But it’s totally worth it, cause this phone can do everything from file your taxes to raise the dead.  There is nothing Apple can’t do – and charge ten prices for!

But maybe you’re stumped about a gift for a lady in your life.  Look no further than amazon for this treasure!

Words cannot describe how perfect this gift is.

Words cannot describe how perfect this gift is.

What I love about this is that not only is it an apron – cause what woman wouldn’t want a reminder of the need for cooking in a Christmas gift? – but also gives her the body her husband has always coveted in this busty, scantily clad super heroine.  I searched “gifts for women” on amazon, and honest to goodness this was one of the first things to come up.  Awesome.

So enjoy your turkey and stuffing, then lace up your shoes and prepare for battle!  Or you could suggest to your family that everyone just give each other the gift of LOVE this Christmas.  Either way, be prepared to run.

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28 responses

  1. No way in hell would I ever leave the sanctuary of my warm house, just to buy furblings at rock bottom prices. I say, fuck that.

    1. Yes! Screw Furblings! Wait, ew. Anyway, I say buy online. No crowds!

  2. Furbys are back? Wow.

    And in theory, shouldn’t internet shopping be reducing the crowds at Black Friday? Why isn’t this actually happening?

    1. You would think that. At first I thought there were some great deals you couldn’t get online, but for the life of me, I haven’t found many good deals anywhere. I think they just know that people are so used to going out for deals, they won’t notice that the deals aren’t actually, you know, deals anymore.

  3. I’m going out Friday morning for a hair cut and I might swing through the coffee shop drive thru, but that’s it. I don’t do crowds.

    That apron is, as Josh would say, “tits.” This is good according to 40 year old blue collar guys. Mama wants.

    1. Lol. Won-der Wo-mannnnnn! Do you remember the old show?

      1. Oh yeah. I totally need that jet.

        1. Oh yeah, it was invisible but she wasn’t so like she was flying by herself way up in the sky . . .

  4. All the openings on Thanksgiving remind me of a grocery-chain that used to be in this area; it was very well known for being closed on Sundays because “that is the time for Church” and was considered one of the pillars of the morality community. Except, of course, they never had any issue of scheduling employees for overtime/overnight shifts on those days because they had to be ready on Monday or being jerks about sick leave.

    That said, we will probably go out tomorrow, but I plan to tip my servers well if we do go to eat. Then I plan to hide until Monday, when the countdown to Winter Break really begins (14 workdays).

    1. I DO love the hypocrisy. My inlaws talked about going to Chick-fil-A like it was a pilgrimage to the holy land. How a sweet man like my husband came from that I dunno . . .

      Hiding sounds like a good idea. I can’t wait for winter break – we actually get a whole week (after having almost no days all year). Woot!

  5. I can’t believe there are already people camped out for store openings on Thanksgiving evening. It’s so cold across the country, and yet that doesn’t stop them. I can’t picture any universe where I would prop up a tent outside of Best Buy and spend 3 days ‘camping’ in the cold to be the first one in a store to purchase items I really don’t need. Never gonna happen…

    1. Yeah, and the lines at Best Buy are always the longest cause electronics. I mean, sure you have a perfectly good phone but now there’s Iphone 80 and must have cause pretty buttons! Of course in a month they’ll lower the price 300 bucks, but you get to say you had it first! Ugh.

    2. I have a few Best Buys in my area. One of them had people in line already on Wednesday the 20th. Just nuts really.

      1. Oh, jeez. I sure hope they got what they wanted.

  6. I’ve been tempted several times to shop on a Black Friday, but I hate lining up too much, I seriously do. And the thought of getting in line just to get your ass kicked on a high holidays doesn’t seduce me.
    I’d gladly wear that apron because it’d match this thing I wanna get:

  7. We have no black friday here, but now I can imagine what’s going on on this day. Thanks :o) I Furby really hot this year? …a bad penny always comes back :o)

    1. I know. Those things freak me out almost as much as those monkeys with the cymbals, or worse, clowns.

  8. Black Friday exists only to show the inhumanity in humanity.

    1. It’s everywhere, isn’t it? I wouldn’t be surprised if someone got punched while shopping, though it probably wouldn’t have to do with this latest “craze.”

      1. No. That’s been going on for at least 20 years…

  9. Thanksgiving has turned into an oxymoron. L’s dad is a hoot! I could only imagine the death stare.

    1. He IS a hoot – maybe more for me than her since she had to live with him!

  10. I don’t have the mentality to wait for hours for bargains. Then once inside I’d be too polite to grab stuff. ‘Cos I’m English, you see. It’s too stressful to be in a shop surrounded by people saying “no, please, after you” – “no, I insist, after you”. (It’s not really like that in England – quick jab to the guts, grab the Furby.)

    By the time I’ve factored in what I believe my time to be worth per hour, plus stress compensation etc etc they’d have to pay me to take stuff away just to break even :-)

    1. Oh, no kidding. Also people pay no attention to whether something is actually a sale – it says sale so they’re all woooot and they run out and get it. I’m like wtf it was cheaper than that last month?

      I’m sure it’s “Jolly ho, after you old chap” then while they’re confused you go for the Furby.

  11. I am a veteran of working four Black Fridays sales. It’s definitely interesting to watch a bunch of human beings reduced to being wild animals over stupid shit they wouldn’t buy any other time of the year!

    That said, I will enjoy having my third straight BF off and miss the hoopla. And to think people don’t envy my Wed/Thu nights off schedule any other time of the year….

    1. Man, anyone who works those things deserves ribbons of honor. Holy crapppp.

  12. We did have a blast, plus since we know Ronald the fight thing was hysterical… That nerf gun was an important buy- J now shoots all of his big sisters suitors with the semiautomatic nerf gun if they sit too close to her. I have the best chaperon ever… all for a few hours outside of Target with a good friend and a crazy dad! That was the best $2.00 spent ever for those earnings so we could check out in jewelry, they were promptly unloaded on some kids teacher… You will be happy to know he now does that to people in wal-mart tells them no waiting in paint- his theory is he can’t help it if its wal-mart and no actual clerk! He plans to pretend at 3 in the morning he needs to buy a quart of paint…He may need his meds adjusted….

    1. haha! I ALMOST want to go out in that mess again.

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