Reality Games: How TLC Could Learn from Game of Thrones

It seems like everyone and their dog and their dog’s sister / girlfriend are watching the HBO hit Game of Thrones.  It’s based on a series of books by a dude named George R. R. Martin (Not sure why he has two initials in his middle name.  Typo he never bothered to fix?).  Best thing to know about him is that he is one sick puppy.  And I say this as someone who has read all three 50 Shades books.   I know little about the Game of Thrones TV series beyond what I read in some reviews and the multiple clips I watched on Youtube.  Thing is, you don’t actually have to watch it.  Everyone else is, and they will tell you about it and it’s awesomeness.  Which makes me want to hate it, because I hate everything popular at first, because rebel.

Let's fight over this.  Ouchy.

Let’s fight over this. Ouchy.

I also have not read the Game of Thrones series, because I tend to not like adult fantasy.  There are way too many words, for one thing, which means the books are 5 billion pages long and there are DOZENS of them.  No one ever tells them to stop, so they just keep coming with denser and denser prose until they resemble history textbooks, only even more boring.  At least the 50 Shades books were not that long, ended after three books, and the most challenging vocabulary was “Oh, Jeez.”  I do think that they’d have been much better if they had adopted Martin’s tendency to kill off practically every character.  I know I was sure hoping every one of those characters would die horrible, grisly deaths.  So I’ll give him that one.

Another genre that could learn from old Martin is reality television.  TLC only thinks they are edgy!  Here are 10 ways that TLC could improve by adopting tips from Game of Thrones.

Listen up, TLC!

Listen up, TLC!

1. More blood and gore.  There needs to be more killing in these ER shows.  Or at least maiming.  Let’s see that blood actually squirt from those crushed peens!

2. More bare boobs and butts.  Considering how many TLC shows have sex in the title, there is a startling lack of nudity.  I can’t believe there has not been a single wardrobe malfunction in any of these shows.  Especially from this lady.  They’re just dying to pop out.

Look out, here they come . . .

Look out, here they come . . .

3. Their sex isn’t nearly strange enough.  “Sex sent me to the ER”, “Strange Addictions”, “Secret Sex Lives”, meh, they are all so blah.  Where is the twincest here?  Where is the dragon sex?  (For the record, I’m not sure if there is dragon sex in Game of Thrones, but I wouldn’t put it past them.) TLC is missing way too many opportunities.  Car sex is just so passe.

4. They should add lots of gratuitous lesbian prostitute sex.

Oh . . . wait.

Oh . . . wait.

5. Women and girls are not used as sex objects enough on TLC.  I mean, Toddlers and Tiaras just ain’t cutting it with the beauty pageants.  Maybe they could steal some tween Disney stars and sell them to some barbarians.

6.  They need dragons.  Where are all the dragons, TLC?  Where are they????

No, not those, for God's sake.

No, not those, for God’s sake.

7.  Both shows need more little people.  Considering the only remotely redeemable characters on either show are little people (The Little Couple on TLC and the dwarf on Game of Thrones), they should consider this.  People like to have small breaks between their rape scenes and beheadings so they can go get a sandwich.

8. They need more scum of humanity.  I know we have seen trailer trash, weirdos, and creepers, but not a single one compares to almost every character on Game of Thrones, especially that little punk King Joffrey.  I know this, and I’ve not even watched the show much.  Just look at the little freak.

Excellent reason not to have sex with a sibling.

Excellent reason not to have sex with a sibling.

9. There should be more convoluted family trees.   Where are all the enormous dead-beat families with their horizontal family trees?  I mean, besides on Honey Boo-Boo.

10. The scripts written by teenage boys are far better on Game of Thrones.  Step it up, TLC.  You can do it.

 

So what do you guys think of Game of Thrones?  Are you insane for it?  Or are you freaking sick of it?  Or were you somehow blissfully unaware?  Let me know in the comments below.

 

 

 

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48 responses

  1. I haven’t watched it either but all i have to do is listen to my co-workers talk about it or my kids mention it from time to time just to keep me up to date on what is happening, but honestly, I just loose focus when they start babbling on and on and on …. ha ha.

    1. From what I can tell, that’s pretty much how the plot goes. On and on and on. Of course people will tell me I have to watch or read something in order to properly say I’m not interested, but I went that route with EL James and oh man.

  2. Never seen it, but I tired of seeing all the tweets every Sunday night. Especially last Sunday night, when the HBOGo server evidently crashed and people couldn’t watch the show. Butthurt. Butthurt everywhere.

    1. Hahahaha, lo in the kingdom of Butthurt, there was whining . . .

      1. Yes. Much whining was tweeted.

  3. I watch it but I bored with it periodically. I’ve read almost all the books and they’re so long and painful. The writing is good, but again, super dense and it’s hard to want to get attached to any character as they may be killed off unexpectedly in a moment’s notice. I’m not crazy for the show, but I will say that Ommegang has turned out a great batch of beers in tribute to the show. So at least something good has come out of it.

    1. I think I would need to be drinking those beers to make it through the show – definitely to make it through the books.

  4. Blissfully unaware – thank God. Read the first 50′s book, found it a bit over the top but OK. Picked up the second, read about 20 pages and realized it was all the same – instead of the sex being a plot enhancer, it had become the plot. Threw it away. Despise Boo-Boo and Toddlers and Tiaras, ect – find them twisting kids perception of reality (there is no chance any of those kids wil grow up normal) for purposes of anusing TV goers and advertizers. Sick.

    1. Yes, the 50 Shades books started out horrible and somehow still went down from there with each book. You think, it can’t get worse, but it does -IT DOES. Which is why I wrote reams about the stupid things.

      But what do you think of Game of Thrones? If you hate it, you get a cookie.

  5. What I managed to read of the first book, before I came down with what appears to be a permanent case of the dumbs and forgot how to read, was decent, though incredibly sick. I prefer my weird sex to be in my own bed, with my own husband (who is not genetically related, though we do now share a last name), with plenty of KY, and no one watching but a perverse cat.

    But maybe that’s just me.

    1. It’s not just you. Granted, I have not actually attempted to read one of the GoT books, but I couldn’t get a chapter into the Lord of the Rings, which while dense, at least doesn’t have so much rape, gore, etc. Mostly dudes with hairy feet, or so I hear. I’m not sure if I can get into GoT, with them killing off characters randomly. I don’t like unexpected stuff like that. I did enjoy the Tudors, even though most of the people on the show are also horrible human beings. In that one, at least you already know heads are gonna roll, and which ones, if you’ve read any history. Plus, the guys are HOLY CRAP HOT on that show. So infinitely more tolerable.

      1. This from a LIBRARIAN!!? Bwa-ha-ha-ha! You cracketh me uppeth, Aliceth! LOTR is the best work of fiction ever written.

        Anywho, I did NOT like the Game of Thrones TV show, but that’s likely because I listened to the books on CD and the first one actually won the Guinness Book of World Records award (or some such) for the most voices in an audiobook – it was extremely incredible and I highly recommend it!

        The show was lame also because HBO writers basically reWROTE it! *roll eyes* For some reason they decided they did not like who Martin created Arya to be and do. Her character was the most changed, at least in the first season, which is where I stopped … I think … can’t remember now, and don’t really care to.

        P.S. READ LORD OF THE RINGS, SILLY ALICE! ;) Oh, and by the way, if you like British comedy, you might enjoy Jeeves & Wooster. It’s family-friendly, though – consider yourself warned (in other words, TLC probably banned it).

        1. I remember Jeeves and Wooster! It’s so funny too cause stupid Jeeves was played by the same dude that plays that awesome meanie House. I love that guy!

          So what was Arya supposed to do? All she did in the first episode (I’ve now watched) was show up her brother (not hard since he’s dumb enough to climb really high walls) and splatter food on her snotty sister.

          1. Arya actually became my second favorite character in the books (next to Dragon Lady and John Snow who tied for first with me). They just changed stuff that was stupid and they shouldn’t have (that was 2 years ago and I’m still trying to remember what I had for lunch today). Couldn’t even figure out why … unless maybe the screen writers were drunk when they read the books. Probable.

          2. Not as bad as what they did to Percy Jackson and the Olympians (think Harry Potter with Greek gods). The books were hilarious, action-packed, and absolutely perfect. The kids, like Harry, start out at 12 years old. Soooo naturally the director of the movie cast 20 year olds, left out most of the really fun action and witty lines, and added sexual innuendo. Nice. I mean, if a book is on the bestseller list, wins tons of awards, and is adored by millions of fans . . . what makes them think – hey – I can improve that!

            But, um, not that I have a strong opinion there.

  6. Seen a couple episodes. Not impressed. Was at a friend’s this weekend. She had TLC on. This guy had this ginormous pipe sticking through his head, just above his eye.

    1. Ginormous pipe in the head? Screw GoT, I gotta see that! Was it on Stories of the ER, or was this a REALLY strange Sex Sent Me to the ER? Either way, TLC here I come!

      1. It was the regular one. I can only imagine it being stuck up the guy’s ass if it was the other one. The regular one also has the guy with the cockroach biting his eardrum. The guy screams whenever the cockroach bites and is paralysed the rest of the time bc his greatest fear is to have a bug crawl in his ear. Doctors were dropping their instruments and stuff.

        1. Fun times. I hate bugs too. I’d probably have a heart attack.

          1. I’m surprised he didnt.

  7. I haven’t watched the show. I heard there was a lot of rape in it, and that alone turned me away. On the other hand, my interest is piqued with all the raves about it. Plus, I like Peter Dinklage. You have to wonder if that’s his real last name. If it is, my sympathies are with him…

    1. I love Peter too, but you’re right – dear Lord what a terrible name. Poor guy. If it’s his real name, what were his parents thinking? If he chose it, what was he thinking?

      I’m not that into rape either. I especially love the bit where the young beautiful girl is raped by her new barbarian husband but then later changes the heartless barbarian with her love and sexual prowess . . . wait, where have I heard that one before?

      1. Ugh. I think I just threw up in my mouth.

  8. I would rather watch paint chips dry on TD’s head.

    1. I knew I lurrved you, WT. Let’s get the paint chips. TD is probably chewing on them right now.

  9. I haven’t seen the show, but I read the books, all of them as of 2-3 years ago. And it is kind of like a reality show, where it seems like every other character gets their own spin-off reality show, and so on, and so on. Eventually, many of these characters randomly go off the air, so it’s exactly like reality television.

    1. See, that’s what I was thinking! It occurs to me this could have been a great top ten list for your blog! It’s not political per se, but all the sex definitely relates to the politicians themselves. Darn, missed opportunity.

      1. There’s a lot of politics in these books, actually. Their politics doesn’t have much of democracy, but has plenty of other methods like poisons and beheadings.

  10. I am a total GoT addict and not afraid to admit it. I get up an hour earlier on a Monday morning so I can watch it before work because I can’t stay up to see it on the Sunday, it’s on a bit too late for me!

    It’s absolutely amazing and I love it but my brother hates it cos he say it’s too complex. I think if you don’t mind something that takes a little brainpower to keep up with while watching it it’s perfect.

    It’s a great escape from reality and what more could you really want from a tv show?! ^_^

    ~ Amy

    1. I left all my brainpower with 50 Shades, but it doesn’t sound that hard to follow. Sex, sex, power struggle, more sex, rape, murder, more murder, sex, hey who is that guy, more murder, power struggles, King Joffrey being a douche, etc etc.

      1. Close but there are a lot of characters to remember and each character has their own story that you need to keep up with. My Mum calls it “medieval politics with dragons” which sums it up pretty well. It’s something you either love or don’t get I think. Seeing as I am really easily embarrassed and blush easily I skip any sex stuff that gets too much but it’s not as bad as people make out.

        xxxx

        1. Well I just picked up the first season from the library – cause it was free. We’ll see how far I get. And how close it is to TLC>

          1. Can’t wait to hear what you think :)

  11. I honestly don’t plan on reading GoT, for all the above (perfectly valid) reasons, and because of my own really dumb reason.

    Basically, the guy hates having people write fanfiction of his works, and C&Ds pretty much any he finds.

    Being a fanfic writer myself, I resent that. :/ Kind of a big “fuck you” to the fans, in my opinion.

    1. That is sucky – I mean, once you write something, it’s in the hands of the readers. As long as the fans aren’t claiming it is theirs or making money off of it, what is the problem? Personally, I’d be flattered if someone wanted to do their own stories w/ my characters. Unless it’s EL James of course. She can get lost.

      Also, really, what could fan fiction writers write that would be more bizarre than the original?

      1. You haven’t read much fanfic, have you?

        1. Considering most fanfic is about weird relationships between different characters (ie Harry and Voldemort = love 4ever, then I don’t see how that would be any weirder than the relationships they are having right now.

  12. 1. I dig Peter Dinklage.

    2. For a fantasy series you might actually like, I suggest the 500 Kingdoms series by Mercedes Lackey.

    3. I’ve seen a couple of shows on either TLC or their old Discovery Health Channel about incest between adult siblings.

    4. You forgot TLC’s series “Strange Sex.”

    1. Maybe I forgot to mention the strange sex show, but I didn’t forget it. And the shows on adult incest – well, score one for TLC – or Discovery.

  13. I don’t have TLC so I’m missing out on some amazing learning experiences, I think. But…I did read all of George R.R. Martin’s books years and years ago and I love him quite a bit, even if he still hasn’t finished one of the best fantasy series’ ever to be written! (I was yelling that last part.) If you are not up for the gigantic, really long, epic, amazing, wondrous books that are GOT and you don’t want to watch the series, you should give Fevre Dream a try. It’s relatively short and also very good.

    1. So you’re saying you kind of like Game of Thrones?

  14. Not watched, not read it, not got the time for either just now. It’s the sort of thing I’d probably like, but, well, first I need the time to get into it. And the books. Bet I can’t get them at the local library, bet they’ve a waiting list as long as your arm.

    1. I think there is actually one available at mine . . . but the damn things are 1,000 pages long or something – I bet most people just prefer to watch it.

      1. Whitby doesn’t have a large population, so the library isn’t all that big. It would be easiest to get my patents to buy me the kindle editions, if I really wanted to read it – which I don’t at the moment anyway.

  15. I’m insane for it! I’m reading the books, and I love watching the show with my roommate because he has no idea who dies next! (BUT I DO!) Seriously, so good.

    1. I am now in the third season, and I admit it’s addicting in a medieval soap opera kind of way.

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