More Books They Made You Read in School

 

After I finished the last blog, I realized that I had left some “What were they smoking when they wrote that” award winners out.  That simply wasn’t right.  So here is part 2.

The Lord of The Flies
by William Golding

A good advertisement
for birth control

A bunch of British brats are stranded on an island and within weeks start trying to kill each other.  So basically a longer version of what happens on the playground every day in America.  A kid who supposedly represented Christ got killed with a rock – I think.  And there was another kid called “Piggy” – guess why.  And people wonder why there are school shootings.

Final Analysis: Little boys are evil.  Don’t ever leave them alone.  Especially with rocks.

The Old Man and the Sea
 by Ernest Hemingway

The title basically says it all – it’s an old man and the sea.  For about 100 pages.  Except they should have added “the pointless story of” to the front, since he catches the big fish only to have it – here’s the fun part – get completely eaten before he makes it back home.  Lots of references to Joe DiMaggio.  Unlike many other fictional stories, we also get to hear about every time he goes potty in the sea.

Final Analysis:  It’s short, so at least it doesn’t take you too long to read it – though it seems longer.

The Crucible
by Arthur Miller

A group of young Puritan girls decide it’d be fun to torture their elders by pretending to be afflicted by witchcraft.  Many people get hanged as a result of their wacky hijinks.  Shows that junior high girls haven’t changed that much.  Neither has organized religion, come to think of it.

Final Analysis: Girl children are evil too.  Best to lock them up until the teen years are safely behind them.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame
by Victor Hugo

Clearly a kid-friendly movie!

Now with hunchback in the title, how can this fail to be a fun romp of a book?  Sadly, it does.  The hideously deformed hunchback – named Quasimodo as an added insult – has a horrible life, but falls in love, gets rejected, sees his love hanged, and ends up buried in the grave with her.  Happy, happy story!  Which is why Disney of course made a movie out of it.

Final Analysis:  No, seriously, Disney made it a cartoon movie.  Quasi doesn’t die, but love interest Esmerelda, the pole dancing gyspy, dumps him for a handsome hottie.  Also, there’s an evil lustful priest and – hey, what more could you want in a family show?

War and Peace
by Leo Tolstoy

Okay, I’ll admit that I never had to read this one (thank God) but I’m going to take a stab at it.  It’s about war.  And peace.  And it’s REALLY long – I mean really, really long.  I’m thinking even my English teachers didn’t want to read this thing, which is how I got out of it.

Final Analysis: Even if you don’t read it, this book would be an excellent murder weapon, since it’s nearly as heavy as your average Brides magazine.

Of Mice and Men
by John Steinbeck

This is NOT going to end well
If you recognized old John from our last list, then you know you’re in for a treat!  This one’s about a guy and his mentally retarded brother, Lenny, who likes to pet the rabbits. And kill them.  Then he pets a girl. I think you can see where this is going.
 

Final Analysis:  It should be called “Of Rabbits and Humans.”  Get a clue – if you can’t trust your brother around rabbits, better watch him around humans.

Flowers for Algernon
by Daniel Keyes

Speaking of inspiring books about the disabled, Algernon gets some sort of smart operation and quits being retarded for a while.  And realizes that life really kind of sucks when you are smart enough to know what’s going on.  But it’s okay, because by the end he starts going back to being retarded.

Final Analysis:  If only I had one of those Harry Potter wands so that I could unread this book. I would be sooo much happier.

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