First off, anyone who told you that looks aren’t everything never had a job interview. First impressions are key to snagging that job. You don’t want to go into a job interview wearing something really stupid, like anything worn in the 80’s, or you’ll be judged before you can begin! No, you want something conservative, yet striking, something that
says you are doing them a favor by applying at this measly little job. Try having money sticking out of every pocket to show how successful you are. Since you are obviously broke, you can either steal it (another career path right there!) or use monopoly money. You won’t fail to make an impression!
What are your strengths and weaknesses?
Lots of people are out of work. Or they’re in work, and they hate it. So they’re looking for a job they hate slightly less. Who do they go to for help?
Luckily for these peeps, I have a vast amount of experience in applying and interviewing for jobs, since I’ve applied and interviewed for TONS of jobs that I have never gotten. So I’m an expert. For all you poor saps who are also looking for a job, I thought I might provide some tips.
First off, if you’re applying for anything higher in status than your local McDonald’s you are going to need a resume. What am I saying? Probably McD requires them too – how else will you get into Burger University? (seriously, there is one!)
But what’s a resume, you ask? A resume is a way to “sell yourself” without actually taking off your clothes. (Unless you’re applying for a prostitute position, though they usually aren’t quite so formal.) You have to list your skills, education, and work experience. You want this to look impressive, so be sure to leave out all those Fs you got in basket weaving, or the time you got fired for mooning your coworkers at Wal-Mart, or that pesky criminal record. Here is an example:
Butt Crack, Mississippi 111011!
Objective (this sounds important, but is just stating the obvious): To get a job so I can move out of Frank’s van and hopefully Mississippi.
Skills (Stuff you can do. Use bullets – no, the kind on your keyboard, stupid)
- Experience with multi-tasking (example: drinking while driving)
- Ability to run really fast (especially when chased)
- Expert license plate manufacturer and potato peeler
Work Experience (places you showed up to at least once)
Bob’s Bait Shop
Responsibilities: Reading comic books and playing with fish hooks.
Monica’s Massage Parlor
Responsibilities: Massaging clients. No – uh – just massage, that’s it, really.
Fast Eddie’s Car Lot
Responsibilities: Repossessing cars from unknowing clients.
Education (School – the place with all the desks)
Butt Crack High School and Juvenile Detention Center
Buford’s Burger Academy
Okay, then, the next thing you’re going to need is references. This requires you knowing important people, or at least pretending you do. Considering how pathetic your resume is, you’d better come up with something good. Here are some good examples:
– Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Sure she’s technically dead, but can you GET a better recommendation?
– Email: email@example.com
Everybody loves her. Can’t go wrong. She might even buy you a car.
Queen Elizabeth II
– Email: QLiz2@mail.buckinghampalace.com
She’s old and rich and lives in a castle. ‘Nuff said.
Okay, you’ve got your resume and your references. Now what? Let’s say they are really impressed (or very desperate) and they call you for an interview. What do you do? Stay tuned for my next segment. The interview: try not to blow this one.
|Something is wrong here.
Reading in a library?
Ancient Librarian Technology
|Sweet Old Library Patron|
It is New Year’s Eve, and everyone knows what happens on New Year’s Eve. People get drunk, act like morons, kiss total strangers, pass out in their own vomit before the ball drops, and call in sick to work the next day. But they also make resolutions – often broken by Valentine’s Day. I’m no different, except mine is usually broken by the evening of January 1st. Because, you see, I have the self control of your average two-year-old. Usually I start off strong, with a list of crap I’m determined to do better this coming year. As time passes, my expectations go down. For example:
I will clean the whole house!
Okay, I will clean half the house!
Well surely I will clean one room.
I will pick the gum wrapper off the floor (check)
- I will go to the grocery store and shop only for healthy natural foods for my family!
- I will go to the grocery store and buy at least a few healthy foods for my family.
- I will go to the grocery store at some point.
I will eat take out from Wendy’s. (check)
Healthy Living / Fitness
I will start an exercise program. I will work out at the gym at least three times a week. I will do my exercise videos. I will not eat sugar. I will lose 40 pounds.
I will start an exercise program. I will work out at the gym at least twice a month. I will find my exercise videos. I will cut out cake. I will lose 20 pounds.
I will write out an exercise program to start later. I will show up at the gym occasionally to justify my membership fees. I will cut out cake with coconut (that I don’t like). I will lose and gain between one and five pounds.
I will do nothing and then feel guilty and scrape the coconut off the cake and eat it. (check)
I will cut out Internet and computer entirely except when necessary for work.
I will cut my Internet and computer use to a few hours a week with the exception of projects directly related to work.
I will cut my Internet use to a couple of hours a day outside of work. Work computer usage will consist of 8 hours a day, roughly 1 hour of which is actual concentrated work related tasks.
I will occasionally leave the computer for food, bathroom, and sleep. (check)
- I will draw up a budget and stick to it. I will put aside 500 dollars a month for savings. I will stop buying immature things like video games and buy adult stuff like furniture and groceries and cooking utensils and washing machines that don’t stop mid-cycle.
- I will draw up a budget. I will continue to put 300 dollars a month in savings, but this time won’t immediately transfer it back into my flailing checking account. I won’t buy quite so many video games, except the fitness ones. (see “fitness” list)
- I won’t keep a budget, but I will occasionally hold my breath and peek at my online account, then celebrate being in the black by buying several new video games, some of which are somewhat related to fitness. (example: Mario sure runs a lot.)
- I will not declare bankruptcy. (check)
- In 2012 I will sleep.
- In 2012 I will eat.
- In 2012 I will drink
- In 2012 I will go potty.
- In 2012 I will inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide.
- In 2012 I will post all of these accomplishments on facebook.
|Also remember to eat lots of fiber|
You see? You’re probably doing some of these things RIGHT NOW. (I’m hoping it is not the potty one.) That’s not so hard. In fact, all you really have to do is stay alive. That could be tricky, so you’d better never leave your house. Then you’re safe. Unless your house burns down, or a tornado hits it, or you fall and can’t get up and there is no one to come rescue you. Oh, hey, I almost forgot.