New Year’s Eve

 

It is New Year’s Eve, and everyone knows what happens on New Year’s Eve.  People get drunk, act like morons, kiss total strangers, pass out in their own vomit before the ball drops, and call in sick to work the next day.   But they also make resolutions – often broken by Valentine’s Day.  I’m no different, except mine is usually broken by the evening of January 1st.  Because, you see, I have the self control of your average two-year-old.  Usually I start off strong, with a list of crap I’m determined to do better this coming year.  As time passes, my expectations go down.  For example:

My Usual Resolutions:

Cleaning

• I will clean the whole house!
• Okay, I will clean half the house!
• Well surely I will clean one room.
• I will pick the gum wrapper off the floor (check)

Healthy Living / Diet

• I will go to the grocery store and shop only for healthy natural foods for my family!
• I will go to the grocery store and buy at least a few healthy foods for my family.
• I will go to the grocery store at some point.
• I will eat take out from Wendy’s.  (check)

Healthy Living / Fitness

• I will start an exercise program.  I will work out at the gym at least three times a week.  I will do my exercise videos.  I will not eat sugar.  I will lose 40 pounds.

• I will start an exercise program.  I will work out at the gym at least twice a month.  I will find my exercise videos.  I will cut out cake.  I will lose 20 pounds.
• I will write out an exercise program to start later.  I will show up at the gym occasionally to justify my membership fees.  I will cut out cake with coconut (that I don’t like).  I will lose and gain between one and five pounds.
• I will do nothing and then feel guilty and scrape the coconut off the cake and eat it. (check)

Writing that list was exhausting.  Time for a drink and a smoke!

Time Management

• I will cut out Internet and computer entirely except when necessary for work.
• I will cut my Internet and computer use to a few hours a week with the exception of projects directly related to work.
• I will cut my Internet use to a couple of hours a day outside of work.  Work computer usage will consist of 8 hours a day, roughly 1 hour of which is actual concentrated work related tasks.
• I will occasionally leave the computer for food, bathroom, and sleep.  (check)

Finances

• I will draw up a budget and stick to it.  I will put aside 500 dollars a month for savings.  I will stop buying immature things like video games and buy adult stuff like furniture and groceries and cooking utensils and washing machines that don’t stop mid-cycle.
• I will draw up a budget.  I will continue to put 300 dollars a month in savings, but this time won’t immediately transfer it back into my flailing checking account.  I won’t buy quite so many video games, except the fitness ones.  (see “fitness” list)
• I won’t keep a budget, but I will occasionally hold my breath and peek at my online account, then celebrate being in the black by buying several new video games, some of which are somewhat related to fitness.  (example: Mario sure runs a lot.)
• I will not declare bankruptcy. (check)

And so on.  I’ve found that the best way to accomplish your resolutions is to set the bar really, really low, like preferably bury it in the ground.  Then you can’t help but come out on top.  If everyone were to make their resolutions this way, many more of us would celebrate success in 2012.  Here’s some suggestions:

• In 2012 I will sleep.
• In 2012 I will eat.
• In 2012 I will drink
• In 2012 I will go potty.
• In 2012 I will inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide.
• In 2012 I will post all of these accomplishments on facebook.

Also remember to eat lots of fiber

You see?  You’re probably doing some of these things RIGHT NOW.  (I’m hoping it is not the potty one.) That’s not so hard.  In fact, all you really have to do is stay alive.  That could be tricky, so you’d better never leave your house.  Then you’re safe.  Unless your house burns down, or a tornado hits it, or you fall and can’t get up and there is no one to come rescue you.  Oh, hey, I almost forgot.

Happy New Year!