Lots of people are out of work. Or they’re in work, and they hate it. So they’re looking for a job they hate slightly less. Who do they go to for help?
Luckily for these peeps, I have a vast amount of experience in applying and interviewing for jobs, since I’ve applied and interviewed for TONS of jobs that I have never gotten. So I’m an expert. For all you poor saps who are also looking for a job, I thought I might provide some tips.
First off, if you’re applying for anything higher in status than your local McDonald’s you are going to need a resume. What am I saying? Probably McD requires them too – how else will you get into Burger University? (seriously, there is one!)
But what’s a resume, you ask? A resume is a way to “sell yourself” without actually taking off your clothes. (Unless you’re applying for a prostitute position, though they usually aren’t quite so formal.) You have to list your skills, education, and work experience. You want this to look impressive, so be sure to leave out all those Fs you got in basket weaving, or the time you got fired for mooning your coworkers at Wal-Mart, or that pesky criminal record. Here is an example:
Butt Crack, Mississippi 111011!
Objective (this sounds important, but is just stating the obvious): To get a job so I can move out of Frank’s van and hopefully Mississippi.
Skills (Stuff you can do. Use bullets – no, the kind on your keyboard, stupid)
- Experience with multi-tasking (example: drinking while driving)
- Ability to run really fast (especially when chased)
- Expert license plate manufacturer and potato peeler
Work Experience (places you showed up to at least once)
Bob’s Bait Shop
Responsibilities: Reading comic books and playing with fish hooks.
Monica’s Massage Parlor
Responsibilities: Massaging clients. No – uh – just massage, that’s it, really.
Fast Eddie’s Car Lot
Responsibilities: Repossessing cars from unknowing clients.
Education (School – the place with all the desks)
Butt Crack High School and Juvenile Detention Center
Buford’s Burger Academy
Okay, then, the next thing you’re going to need is references. This requires you knowing important people, or at least pretending you do. Considering how pathetic your resume is, you’d better come up with something good. Here are some good examples:
– Email: email@example.com
Sure she’s technically dead, but can you GET a better recommendation?
– Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Everybody loves her. Can’t go wrong. She might even buy you a car.
Queen Elizabeth II
– Email: QLiz2@mail.buckinghampalace.com
She’s old and rich and lives in a castle. ‘Nuff said.
Okay, you’ve got your resume and your references. Now what? Let’s say they are really impressed (or very desperate) and they call you for an interview. What do you do? Stay tuned for my next segment. The interview: try not to blow this one.