VIEW FROM A TRAMPOLINE

 

SEE, I told you I could still fit.

 `But then,’ thought Alice, `shall I NEVER get any older than I am now? That’ll be a comfort, one way–never to be an old woman- -but then–always to have lessons to learn! Oh, I shouldn’t like THAT!’

 

 

 

 

In Alice in Wonderland, Alice finds herself growing at a rapid rate.  Like any kid, she’s too big for some things, and too small for others.  Her frequent changes in size give her a new point of view on the world.  The same thing happens to all of us as we age. 

 

Everyone gets older sometime, with the possible exception of Christie Brinkley, who has probably made a pact with the devil.  But for most people, they can go along feeling all young and healthy until something happens, around about the third decade, to set them straight. 

 

When adults ride roller coasters

The realization that age is creeping up on you can come about in several ways.  Maybe you tried to swing with your kids at the playground, only to find that they shrank the seat of the swing, and now your rear end is squeezed in a press.  Or you went to an amusement park, and discovered that there should be signs saying “You May Be Too Old For This Ride”.   I certainly figured this out and now have a list of rides you should not go on if you are over thirty (unless you are some totally in-shape mom, in which case you should go on the most dangerous rides possible.)

 

• Rides you should avoid
  • Anything that spins.  That means rides like the “Tilt A Whirl” are out, unless you prefer to test the nickname for this ride (ie Tilt a Hurl).
  • That big pirate ship ride.  This ride is fine if you don’t mind leaving your heart up in the air while the ship careens downward with the rest of you.
  • Roller Coasters.  There is no reason why an old person should drop from a great height unless she’s escaping from terrorists on a plane.
  • Rides with names including “fear”, “doom”, or “hammer”.

 

But never fear. There are still rides the over thirty crowd can enjoy. 

 

More Your Speed

• Rides you can go on
  • The Merry-Go-Round.  This breaks the rule of no spinning rides, because the spin is very, very slow, as in slow enough for toddlers.  But for goodness sakes, do not try to get on the horse.  Use the bench.
  • That sky-ride that takes you over the park.  It’s slow and does not involve long drops or sharp turns.  At least it shouldn’t.  Unless you somehow slide out of the seat.  I’m starting to rethink this one.
  • The choo-choo train.  This ride is slow, has few turns, no spins, no drops, and is on the ground.  Two thumbs up. 

 

So there’s your handy guide for amusement parks, but you’re probably wondering why I mentioned trampoline.  Obviously no sane person over thirty would attempt to jump on one of these things, right?  Well, I bought a trampoline for my children.  They have birthdays a week apart (another brilliant plan of mine).  Remembering the days I used to spend hopping up and down for hours on a trampoline, I thought I might try it again with my kids.  As you might predict, things went horribly wrong.

 

Artist’s rendition of me on a trampoline

No, I didn’t break my neck, but I almost wish I had. It would have put me out of my misery.  The first thing I noticed when I bounced was that my body DID NOT LIKE IT.  It let me know in various ways.  First off, my head started pounding, signalling that it did not like being throttled about on my creaky neck.  Next, not all of me jumped at the same time.  My behind and thighs stubbornly decided to revolt and remain where they were while the rest of me was airborne.  Finally, and this is advice for over-thirty women who have had babies – be sure and go potty first, or wear an adult diaper.  Trust me.

 

I thought all of that was bad enough until, after jumping on this thing several times (I blame my brain getting knocked about in my skull), I started to feel the aftereffects.  Namely, my entire body ached like I’d been on one of those medieval torture racks.

 

When did this happen?  I knew vaguely that I’d gotten older, but had so far managed not to get much more mature, so my body signaling to me this way was a bit of a surprise.  A rather painful one, and not just physically. Still, I want to be a part of my children’s fun.  So my view from a trampoline may have to change to that of observer . . . well observer being bounced up and down by an incredibly strong couple of children.