Do you know what your sign is? It’s not just a pick up line, people, it is serious business. Have you checked your horoscope lately? Do you know what a horoscope is? Well, you should, because we’re talking about your future laying in the balance here. Specifically a balance of planets, moons, stars, galaxy class starships, unseen realms, mysticism, and William Shatner.
I have been checking my horoscope in the paper for years, and also divining my future from fortune cookies and the foil wrappers of Dove candies. So I consider myself an expert. I’m available for personal consultations and birthday parties. Give me a call at 1-800-GET-REAL for more information.
I’m sure there are those of you who think horoscopes are silly. Well, former first lady Ronald Reagan’s wife consulted horoscopes, so you know they must be legitimate. Also other famous people rely on these horoscopes like E.L. James. Actually I just made that up but would you be surprised? I wouldn’t.
Anyway, as a special treat, I’ve decided to read everyone’s horoscope every Friday. That way you can end the week knowing what was supposed to be in your future that is now your past. It’s going to be really far out.
First, I should probably show you the signs. These signs represent stuff like stars in the sky at certain times of year when there’s a moon or the sun or planet alignment or some other crap that I didn’t research.
Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19
According to my limited research gained from the first site I found on Google,
those with the sign of Aries are Active, Demanding, Determined, Effective, and Ambitious. In other words, they’re power-hungry jerks. Christian Grey might be an Aries. Also Donald Trump. I don’t actually know since I didn’t look any of that up. Also the sign is a ram, as in ramming stuff down people’s throats, and I think both of them do that quite well.
Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20
Taurus signs represent Security, Subtle strength, Appreciation, Instruction, and Patience. Translation: Tauruses are nerds. Also they are represented by the bull, so they are nerds who are full of it. Alex Trebek is probably this sign, because he knows a lot of stuff about nothing.
Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20
Geminis are good communicators, indecisive, Inquisitive, Intelligent, and Changeable. So they’re the ones who ask everybody what color drapes they should choose and then still can’t make a decision and end up just buying mini-blinds. Gemini is represented by the twins. I’m not sure which twins. Famous people with this sign include the Bush twins and the twins from that Sweet Valley High series. It might be that those are the first twins that came to my mind. Also it is the sign of both of my daughters, who, thank GOD, are not twins, but through strategic lack of planning on my part have birthdays one week apart.
Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22
This is my sign. Cancer people are Emotional, Diplomatic, Intense, Impulsive, and Selective. In other words, we are total whiny butts and probably bipolar because according to this scientific study we are both impulsive and selective. Cancer is represented by the Crab, which is slang for a type of STD. It also shares the same name as a disease that kills millions. Doesn’t seem like the luckiest sign to me. Must be why I have it.
Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22
Leos are Warm, Generous, Faithful, Rulers with Initiative. In other words,
aren’t they special? The best example of this sign is that lion from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. He’s a lion and a ruler and Jesus, which makes him all that happy, clappy stuff. Seriously. Don’t mess with the Jesus sign, guys. I realize we celebrate his birthday in December, but scholars say that’s all messed up anyway. So go with it.
Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22
Virgos are Analyzers, Practical, Reflective, Observant, and Thoughtful. They are represented by the virgin, because thoughtful, practical people don’t have sex. Unless they are married Virgos. It’s kind of a rule. Did you break it? Shame on you. People who are best represented by this sign are Ana Steele (hahaha, I’m just kidding), the Virgin Mary, and Mother Teresa. Possibly.
Libra (The Scales):September 23 – October 22
Libras are known for their sense of Balance, Justice, Truth, Beauty, and Perfection. In other words, they are also special snowflakes because they can make decisions while standing beautifully on one foot. Libras are represented by the scales, which at first I thought meant they had a skin disease, but turns out the scales are those scales that you balance stuff on. Famous Libras include the defense lawyer for O.J. Simpson, Superman, and Adolf Hitler. Also my husband, though he really falls a lot more in the following sign.
Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21
Scorpios are Transient, Self-Willed, Purposeful, and Unyielding. This should be my husband’s sign, because he is transient with his many projects, self-willed about starting these projects, purposeful about not getting around to actually doing these projects, and unyielding of the right to start another project while a half dozen are left unfinished. Also, he actually likes spiders. Famous Scorpios include the majority of two-year-olds.
Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21
People with this sign are Philosophical, in Motion, Experimental, and full of Optimism. Translation: they’re mad scientists. These are the people who as children probably put marshmallows in the microwave to see how what would happen, or experimented with putting stuff up a sibling’s nose never to be seen again, or ate pure sugar straight out of those little packets. These children would be my brother and me, though neither of us are that sign, so I’m not sure why I put that in there. Sagittarius is represented by the Centaur, the half-man, half-horse from Greek Mythology. Famous people of this sign include Mr. Ed and his owner, Lady Godiva and Horse, and The Lone Ranger and Silver.
Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19
Capricorns are Determined, Dominant, Persevering, Practical, and Willful. They won’t stop until they have forced you to do all their work for them. Capricorns make awesome bosses and politicians. Capricorns are represented by the goat because goats eat cans and butt people and I really don’t know why. Famous Capricorns include all our past presidents, senators, and congressmen. Also, if you add insane to that list, you could include one of my former bosses.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18
People with this sign are Knowledgeable, Serious, Insightful, Duplicitous, Humanitarians. These are people who care about a cause, but are going to find thoughtful new ways to go about promoting it through trickery. PETA falls into this category. They want people to care about animals, so they have a campaign objectifying women because hey, they aren’t cats. Aquarius is represented by the water bearer, because people with this sign often retain water. Famous Aquarians include any hippies born in the 60s or 70s – the age of Aquarius.
Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20
Pisces signs are known for Fluctuation, Depth, Imagination, Reactivity, and Indecisiveness. This makes them confused but imaginatively reactive bottom dwelling fish people. Pisces is represented by the fish because fish go good with chips, or so I hear. Famous Pisces people include Ariel the Little Mermaid, Moby Dick, and Spongebob Squarepants.
Did you find your sign? Great! Stay tuned for fabulous predictions starting next Friday. Your future is probably not at stake!
Today, reader, we’re in for a great session. A session with Dr. Flynn, Psychiatrist Man. I know I could use a visit with a shrink at this point. Although the only thing I can think to say at this point is whyyyyyyy? Just why? Why, why, why, why, why, why . . .
Pardon me. I managed to catch Dr. Flynn just as he was leaving the masked ball and he agreed to meet with me in his office late at night. He says he does this with all his clients. Also, he has a cage in his office instead of a couch. I’m a little suspicious but he says this is a “new kind of therapy.”
Alice: Dr. Flynn, I’m glad you made room in your busy schedule to . . . is there something hissing in your desk drawer?
Flynn: Possibly. How does that make you feel, Alice?
Alice: Let’s get to the questions. How long have you been Christian’s psychiatrist?
Flynn: Oh, it’s been ages.
Alice: Don’t you have actual records?
Flynn: Oh, no. While he’s talking to me, I just doodle on my notepad. See these are my notes from the last session.
Alice: That’s a pony jumping over a rainbow.
Flynn: Impressive, isn’t it? So I guess you’d like me to tell you all about Christian.
Alice: You can’t do that. There’s that doctor / patient confidentiality thing.
Flynn: Oh, posh. Christian and I are great friends. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me telling you how fucked up he is. He’s 50 shades of fucked up, you know. I told him that in our first session. I said, “Wow, you’re 50 shades of fucked up.”
Alice: Just . . . I don’t even . . .
Flynn: We had such a great time at the masked ball. First we ate. Would you like to see the entire menu? Or a list of all of the prizes offered for a meaningless drawing?
Alice: Why would anyone need to see that? You’re showing it all to me anyway. Of course you are.
Flynn: After we ate, there was this fundraiser. Worthy cause. Something about kids and drugs. Maybe it pays for their drugs, I don’t know. Anyway, they had a bidding war for a first dance with the ladies. I bid on his girlfriend, and then he bid more, and I bid more, and it was so much fun.
Alice: You . . . bid on your client’s girlfriend?
Flynn: Sure, why not?
Alice: Because you’re a freaking psychiatrist! You aren’t supposed to be friends with your clients, or spend time after hours with your client, and you sure as hell are not supposed to BID on their girlfriends.
Flynn: You are so closed minded, Alice. It’s not like I won her anyway. Christian bid 100,000 dollars on her, and I really couldn’t go over 25,000 dollars.
Alice: I didn’t think psychiatrists were quite that wealthy.
Flynn: It helps when you charge 50,000 per session. So after the bidding, I cut in on a dance with the lovely Ana. She’s such a beauty, and so smart too! Did you know she plays six musical instruments, speaks fluent Mandarin, and is keen on yoga?
Alice: I buy the yoga part, since Christian twists her into a pretzel routinely. The only instrument she plays, though, is her vagina, and she can’t even speak English well, much less Mandarin. Why would she need to speak Mandarin anyway?
Flynn: Because Ana is a special snowflake and can do anything! She can even dance while vaginal balls are stuffed up her hoo ha.
Alice: That’s the kind of skill you could put on a resume.
Flynn: Isn’t it? Ah, those crazy lovebirds are always being crazy! They snuck off a couple of times to bump and grind. I know because I listened at his bedroom door.
Alice: That is creepy and weird.
Flynn: They did have some trouble with Christian’s Mrs. Robinson. Cute name for his molester, don’t you think?
Flynn: She warned Ana to not hurt Christian, and then Christian called her and told her to quit bothering her.
Alice: I thought they were both at the same ball. Why call her?
Flynn: Because . . . well, next they had fireworks, and you know how Ana is fascinated by shiny things! She was so cute. They had security all around since Leila has been stalking them. But Ana was rightly most concerned about Mrs. Robinson, who passed her a note saying she’d beat her up if she messed with Christian and to, you know, call her.
Flynn: Oh, her car was also vandalized. Someone took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires and carved her name into the leather seats . . . wait, that’s a country song. No, someone threw paint on her car and slashed the tires. Of course that someone is Leila, cause who else would want to do that to Ana? Scary, isn’t it?
Alice: Not really.
Flynn: So they left, but later Christian called me so upset! He needed counseling because someone broke into his apartment! I told him to go in and check it out himself.
Alice: Good plan there. Last question. What do you think of Ana?
Flynn: Well, I just adore her, but not enough to go against Christian! That guy used to beat the shit out of his classmates when he was a kid. A real juvenile delinquent. Isn’t that charming?
Alice: Hey, that fits right in on that last question on my psychopath survey. I knew it!
Flynn: Well, it’s a good thing I’m not going to tell you about Christian’s issues, or we’d be here all night! Get it? That’s a psychiatrist joke.
Alice: No it’s not. Where exactly did you get your degree?
Dr. Flynn: Are you trying to call me an expensive charlatan? Because I’ll have you know I’ve got real degrees from ShrinksRUsUniversity.
Alice: That’s not a university.
Dr. Flynn: It is on the internet. See, I’ve even got a certificate.
Alice: That’s an adoption form for a Cabbage Patch Doll.
Dr. Flynn: Ah, well, university degrees are for elitists.
Alice: Uh huh. Well, I think that’s all the questions I have for you.
Dr. Flynn: If you ever need a shrink, give me a call, hmm?
Alice: Sure. I’m just going to, you know, back out of here slowly and watch you the entire time, ‘kay? Bye now.
Hello, Fair Readers!
I have an announcement to make. Le Clown- if you don’t know him, he’s a clown, and French, I guess. Or French Canadian. Or Brazilian. He’s fereign, kay? Anyway, he has a contest about who gets to be on his blogroll and the blogrolls of his other personalities. I think I deserve a shot because I have three personalities so far. So anyway, if I post this, I get bonus points! For a blog roll! Which is almost as good as not being freshly pressed.
As I stated in my original entry in this contest – the contest can be foundhere- I, my inner goddess, and my subconscious all want to be on the blog roll. He’s going to have to choose one of us. I guess he’d need to choose Alice, since the other personalities are sort of parasites. Or something. So my loyal readers, go over there and vote for me and I will interview the fictional 50 Shades character of your choice in a future blog post. How is that for a reward? Oh, also, you can see Le Clown’s blog which is really
Finally, and this should go without saying, but I thought I’d point out that Hugo supports my nomination. He has a lock of my hair at this very moment that he’s doing strange things with in a locked bedroom. If that doesn’t mean love, I don’t know what does, people.
Edited to add: You have to like me on Le Clown’s page under my nomination (the link that says “here”), people, or no countsies, okay? I’m contestant #5. There is scrolling down involved. But also a cookie. Thanks. I’ll try to put a damper on the insanity after I get my likes.
Okay, I’m at a loss as to who to interview next. This chapter of Ana’s memoirs is filled almost entirely with meaningless sex and cray cray. Who could possibly be an authority on that? Ana, is that you?
Inner Goddess: Oh, no I’m inner goddess. Ana and subconscious are out today.
Alice: Right. Hell, why not? So what’s it like being one of the voices in Ana’s head?
Inner Goddess: Well, for the longest time like I was just so, so bored, you know? I mean like Ana totally wasn’t worth anything because she didn’t have a guy and no guy was like good enough for her because she only loves literary heroes and psychos and she like hadn’t met either yet but then she met Christian and OMG he is so HOT and I have like been so totally happy ever since!
Alice: This interview is going to suck.
Inner Goddess: I am like an expert on sucking! I taught Ana all about how to –
Alice: Yeah, that’s okay. We know.
Inner Goddess: So there was all this up and down and in and out and all around and they did the hokey pokey and I did triple salcows! And Ana touched Christian some more around the lipstick marks.
Alice: How long has he had that lipstick on him?
Inner Goddess: Pretty sure it was Revlon Long Lasting in Sex Me Up Red.
Alice: Well that explains it.
Inner Goddess: Ana got dressed in a like beautiful gown like totally better than Cinderella, and then her prince, that’s Christian, slid her sparkly . . .
Inner Goddess: No silly, vaginal balls. He slid them up her “down there”.
Alice: For a charity ball at his parents’ home. He’s having her wear – why am I surprised? Okay, what happened next, if anything?
Inner Goddess: He gave her a mask and they got in the car and they talked while the balls went whush whush into her hoo ha, and I waved my pom poms and they got to the ball which was really big with like all these bitches that were bitchin’ about my Ana because she is way hotter and specialer than any of those hos. And she met his grandparents, but like who cares because they are so old and Mia was bouncing like she was high on crack again and Miss European Pigtails showed up which really made Ana mad and . . . Alice are you okay?
Alice: Fine, thanks.
Inner Goddess: But you’re beating your head on the table. That looks painful.
Alice: No, no, do go on.
Inner Goddess: Okey dokey. So Ana and Christian so wanted to have sexy times cause they were at this charity ball, right, and what else would you want to do? And Ana had to get the vag balls out of her hoo ha, but then Mia went to the potty with her before Christian could, so she just stuffed the balls in her purse and they both were pouty because they like didn’t get to DO IT and we were so horny and drunk that we decided to bid all the money Christian gave us on this Aspen home. He has lots of homes, you know, like McCain, and he also can’t remember how many. That is so cute! Oh, but you know Christian will be so mad at Ana because OMG she used money he gave her to like bet on something without his permission so we are totally left on a cliffhanger, Alice! Alice? Alice?
Alice: Oh, are you done?
Inner Goddess: I knew you weren’t listening. It’s because you’re a blond in a cute little blue dress with a pinafore. Your kind can’t be trusted.
Alice: That must be it. Thanks so much, Inner Goddess. Please go away now.
Inner Goddess: Oh, I’ll never go away. I am a part of you with my happy, happy pom poms and my voice of pure joy and horniness and oh noo don’t take that antipsychotic nooooooooo I’m melting!
Alice: Much better. Stay tuned next time when we interview Dr. Flynn. I think I will need his services. Don’t you, subconscious?
Most of the shows I have covered by now have been didactic, dull, obnoxious, and repetitive. But for a show that has truly dialed an 11 on the WTF scale, you have to go with Oobi.
I’m trying to imagine the writer at Nick Jr. who came up with this premise and how the meeting with his boss went.
Writer: I have a new idea for a children’s show. Sock puppets talk to each other like cave men. There’s a family with two kids. We’ll call them Bob and Jane, and they can be the stars of the show.
Boss: Sock puppets? That’s ridiculous. We don’t have enough money in our budgets for socks.
Writer: Oh. Well how about we just use naked hands?
Boss: No. That would look lazy. Here, I have these creepy eye balls left over from Halloween. Stick them on the top.
Writer: That’s really disturbing. Do you think kids would watch it?
Boss: Kids will watch anything. Oh, and those names are so boring. Come up with something catchier, like a noise you might make when your appendix is about to burst.
Writer: How about Oobi and Uma?
Boss: Perfect! And the head office says we need to represent different types of families. So get rid of the parents and give them a grandpa. That way we only need one hand instead of two. But don’t call him grandpa. Call him Grandpu.
Boss: Yeah, that’s my pet name for my grandpa. He kind of smells.
Writer: Okay, then. I’ll get right on it!
I bet you’re still thinking I’m making this up. I am not. This is so totally real. You really have to see it for yourself.
When my mom friend first told me about it, I thought it sounded pretty weird. I had no idea, people, no idea. See this show has these hands with eyes on the top that talk to one another. And it’s not just a five minute spot here or there. No, it’s an entire show of this. My mom friend said, “I wish I could get paid to do stupid stuff with my hands.” Don’t we all? Except my hands would probably not get the G rating after having watched some of the stuff that passes for children’s T.V.
Anyway, like with Clifford, this show poses all sorts of questions. There’s one episode where Oobi and his pal play patty cake with their faces. That’s also the one where little sister Uma gets sick. Her fingers blow into a Kleenex and then she drinks juice with those same fingers. And there’s another one where Uma goes to preschool. Of course there’s a preschool for hands, stupid. And she draws with her fingers, except her fingers, remember, are her face. Or maybe they’re her teeth? I get so confused.
Let’s just think about this, shall we? We’ve seen them pick up food with their hands, which would be normal except that they also swallow with their hands. And they brush teeth, which I guess is their nails. And then there’s the bathroom. Would it all come out of their elbows? Maybe I’m reading too much into this. But I can’t be the only one who has wondered about the physics of this show.
I am? Maybe I just need to get out more.
My daughter liked this show when she was three. She doesn’t want to believe me, but she did. Kids like weird stuff. She went to school and talked with her hands. This is entirely believable coming from a three-year-old, especially this one, who would make the seatbelts in the back seat of the car talk. I have creative children. But we have to remember that adults came up with this program. It’s really not normal for adults to talk with their hands unless they’re deaf and using sign language. Otherwise, it’s weird people. Weird.
On the other hand, it’s extraordinary because they couldn’t have had much in the budget for this show, which must have meant almost everything was profit. I mean, it’s not like they had to do a whole lot of casting. The actors could have looked like Quasimodo. All we saw was one hand. I’m trying to imagine how they must have acted this out. Adults and kids crawling around on the floor with one hand in the air. Can you imagine the actor playing Grandpu getting home from a hard day of work? “Man, my arm is exhausted! What’s for dinner?”
In the end, I have to hand it (pun intended) to these guys. This was pure genius. And it aired for FIVE YEARS. To heck with you, Sesame Street, covering your hands with puppets. How lame. All that work when all they really needed were some creepy eyeballs. A shame, really.
Bodily function character names: Yes
Creepy eyeballs: Yes
Marketing Genius: Yes
Freaking Disturbing: Yes, yes, yes.
If you don’t know who Hugo is by now, you have been living under a rock. An extremely boring rock. Hugo happens to be the actor playing Christian Grey in Speaker7’s rendition of the 50 Shades of Grey series. You might be somewhat prejudiced just because Hugo happens to be a puppet with a strange resemblance to Mr. Clean and no lower body parts. If so, you are clearly not recognizing true talent. Boy will you feel bad when he later gets his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, you losers.
Hugo stars with the famous actress Goofy, the previously unnamed blue stuffed rabbit. There are rumors that there is more to their relationship than just stuffing random objects up various holes. Also that he uses Herbal Essences bodywash and thus smells like a girl. And that, at the moment, he’s actually in a mental ward. Are these rumors true? Who is the REAL Hugo?
Though she hasn’t technically agreed to an interview, I figure we’ll nag Speaker until she agrees to answer the questions for a future post on her site. If anyone has any other questions, feel free to add them in the comments section below. I’m sure she has nothing better to do than to talk to puppets. Especially since her brain is falling out her ears.
Anyway, this post will allow her more time to recuperate from the trauma of the final book of Shades, so I think it’s really in her best interest. It certainly isn’t just because since being featured on her site I have gotten more hits on my site than ever before. Much more than the usual, some of which might have been my own views in my ever obsessive need to check my posts for errors. Yes, I actually check them, and they still look like this.
Without further ado, here are the questions for Hugo.
- How were you selected for your famous role?
- How are you handling your newfound fame?
- Is it true that you and Goofy are having an off-screen romance?
- Is it also true that Goofy is now cheating on you with Tickle-Me-Elmo?
- What advice do you have for other genitalia impaired actors?
- If you could say anything to E.L. James, what would you say?
- Are you secretly gay? Kate told me to ask that one.
- Is it true that you spent time with those guys in the white coats?
- What are planning next in your career?
- How DO your pants hang?
So now we’ll just wait for a response. Let the nagging commence. And I’ll see if I can catch up to any other fictional characters in the meantime.
Today, reader, you are in for a treat. I managed to get an exclusive interview with the mysterious Leila. In case you’re just joining us, Leila is Christian’s ghostly looking ex sub that’s been causing a “situation” because she’s nuttier than a fruitcake and is out to get Christian and Ana, or just Ana or just Christian, we’re not sure. Either way, I think she is my hero and I wish her luck on her quest.
Alice: Leila, thank you for joining us today. First, why don’t you tell our readers a little more about yourself?
Leila: I am nobody.
Alice: Okay, then. How about you tell us about your relationship with Christian?
Leila: Whap. Bang. Boom. Ouch. Grunt. Smack. I love you. Good-Bye.
Alice: Yeah. Um, so I see you have a bandage on your wrist. What happened there?
Leila: I sliced open my wrist in front of Christian’s maid. Christian came home from Georgia to see me. Score.
Alice: That sounds . . . painful. I do hope he got you some help.
Leila: His maid took me to a hospital. I don’t like hospitals. White. After Labor Day. It’s so wrong. So wrong.
Alice: A hospital’s a good thing for you, I think. Wait, why aren’t you still in the hospital?
Leila: I checked myself out.
Alice: What? I mean, I don’t think patients put in a psych unit can do that sort of thing. I’m pretty sure your psychiatrist has to clear you.
Leila: Oh, he did. My shrink said I’m not truly at risk. Only a typical cry for help sort of thing.
Alice: What? You have a terrible shrink then.
Leila: Christian assigned him to me.
Alice: Explains a lot.
Leila: I think it was because I made a halfhazard cut on my wrist, you know? If it had been an exact cut on my wrist, that would have meant I was serious.
Alice: That . . . what?
Leila: Coo coo ca choo.
Alice: Next question. I heard you met Ana. What did you think of her?
Leila: What does she have that I don’t have?
Alice: Vaginal balls up her “down there” for one thing. Also a psychotic boyfriend.
Leila: Some girls have allll the luck.
Alice: Anyway, so what everyone is really wondering is – are you trying to kill Ana? Or Christian? Or both? And if so, is there any way we can help?
Leila: I’ve been following them. It’s pretty easy. They don’t know I’m there. I watched them through the window. They did strange things with vanilla ice cream.
Alice: I don’t think I want to know.
Leila: Do you like Britney Spears? I like Britney Spears. I see dead people.
Alice: Right, back to the interview. When do you plan on murdering them exactly? And with what? A bomb? M16? Poison? I’m just throwing out ideas here.
Leila: He bought her a car. I didn’t get a car. She didn’t want it. He put 24,000 dollars in her account. I got 25 bucks and some Trident gum. Why doesn’t she want the car?
Alice: Yeah, I don’t get it either. I’d take him for everything I could. Speaking of, back to that murder . . .
Leila: He took her to the beauty shop all us subs went to – where we were waxed and plucked and dunked in seaweed. She just wanted a haircut. He owns the salon with the lady who taught him all he knows about buttplugs.
Alice: Wait . . . he took Ana to the same beauty shop he took all his ex-subs to and that he co-owns with Mrs. Robinson, his former abuser? What a brilliant idea.
Leila: I have to go now.
Alice: Sure. You need to get on with your stalking.
Leila: Yes. Also Bachelor Pad is on.
Alice: Good luck, Leila. We’ll all be rooting for you.
In case you’re just joining us, we’ve already interviewed two characters from Ana Bobana’s memoirs. Taylor, Christian’s assistant and most likely prisoner at the moment, and Ana herself. Lucky us. Now let’s see, who is next on my list to cover Chapter 3 . . .
Christian: You! You are the one who talked to my property.
Alice: I . . . come again?
Christian: Taylor and Ana belong to me. Everything belongs to me. You know the song. This land is my land. This land is my land. This land is . . .
Alice: That’s not how the song goes.
Christian: Why aren’t you fainting from multiple orgasms?
Alice: Cause I think you’re an asshole. And I’m not scheduled to interview you.
Christian: Yes you are. I am going to tell you about my romance with Ana now, Alice. Be prepared.
Alice: You’re seriously creeping me out.
Christian: But first I want to know, what did Ana and Taylor tell you about me? Because if you ask me questions, I get to ask questions too.
Alice: That’s not how an interview works. And anyway, didn’t you tape record it all?
Christian: Of course I did. But Ana mistook my tape recorder for a sex toy and . . .
Alice: Yeah, that’s enough! Taylor hates you and Ana is convinced you’re Jesus. The hot Jesus, like the one in that Mel Gibson movie.
Christian: Jesus isn’t nearly as awesome as I am. Now, about that romance. When she left me, I was having a dark night of the soul, so to console myself, I bought the company she works for.
Alice: You did what?
Christian: I know, right? Like Jesus could buy real estate. Moving on, we shared some very sexy emails. I am a master emailer.
Alice: You bought your ex-girlfriend’s company?
Christian: How else could I track her every movement? I have to know that she’s eating. And what she’s eating. And when. And with who. The usual boyfriend kind of thing. Oh, I discovered she ate a banana.
Christian: Isn’t she? She beguiles me! That’s why so many men want her, but they can’t have her, because she belongs to me. I have the papers and everything. She’s even registered with the American Kennel Club.
Alice: You do know she’s actually a human, right?
Christian: No, no, no. She’s a woman. Tsk. Now where was I? Oh, yes, that new boss of hers, Jack Hyde, wants to steal my Ana, and he can’t have her. I once loaned him some Tinker Toys, and he never gave them back. I can’t risk that again!
Alice: Um, how do you know he’s trying to “steal” her?
Christian: She went to Fifty’s for drinks with people from his company. He was there.
Alice: The bar is called Fifty’s? Seriously?
Christian: I had to stake my claim on my woman! It was difficult to get over to her, because women kept fainting in my path or throwing themselves upon me. They just can’t withstand my sexual prowess or the way my pants hang.
Alice: How do your pants hang?
Christian: I have no idea, but it’s sexy, damn it. I informed Jack Hyde that I was the boyfriend. And then he said he was the boss. For a moment, I thought I might have to pee on her to prove my point, but Hyde realized what a fine specimen of man I am and wisely backed down.
Alice: So you grabbed her by the hair and dragged her home to the cave. I got it.
Christian: But you must hear of our ride in the car! Taylor came to pick us up in my AUDI. I drive an Audi. It’s a fabulous car. There’s a phone in the steering wheel and everything.
Alice: I don’t think you realize the fucks I do not give.
Christian: I told Ana that I bought the company and she seemed a little annoyed with me.
Alice: I can’t imagine why.
Christian: Nor I! But I made her laugh, because I’m so witty and all, and she forgot all about being angry with me and let me into her apartment. She wanted sex, of course, but I wanted her to eat first, because my Ana must eat. I have this need for her to eat because once I . . .
Alice: Yes, yes, you went without food when you were four. We know.
Christian: Oh, crack mommy was so neglectful, which is why I am now sad.
Alice: You’re not sad. You’re a psychopath.
Christian: Ana’s cupboard was bare, not even a bone. So we had to go to the grocery store. Can you imagine? Me, at a grocery store?
Alice: I can’t figure out why there is a scene at a grocery store.
Christian: So Ana cooked, and showed me how to chop a pepper.
Alice: That’s a good skill for her to remember.
Christian: And we flirted, and bumped into one another, and the sexual tension was just so high, but I made sure she put the chicken in the fridge before we got to the sex.
Alice: Very practical of you.
Christian: And then we made love. First I took off my socks . . .
Alice: I really don’t want to hear this.
Christian: There was groaning, and begging, and she tried to suck off my royal staff of manhood and then I ordered her to have an orgasm and she did. I think the training is going well. She really responds to the Snausages.
Alice: That was . . . truly horrible.
Christian: I would love to stay and tell you more, but I am a very busy man. I have emails to compose. And mergers. I make frequent mergers. It’s exhausting.
Alice: Um, hey who’s that over there? Is that one of your old subs who is jealous of Ana and is hoping to make a plot point? Possibly?
Christian: Oh, dear. The situation! I must go!
Alice: Huh, his pants really DO hang that way when he runs.