Here we are again. Last post we covered chapters one and two and some of the main themes (like the theme of awful). We were introduced to our two main characters, Christian Grey and Anastasia Steel. Ana interviewed Christian. Christian stalked Ana to her workplace and bought stuff. And we got to learn about what they’re like. Ana has some sort of psychiatric / personality disorder involving voices in her head that argue about whether they should cheer or jeer her, and cause her mood to swing from obnoxiously shy to obnoxiously rude in 2.5 seconds. Christian is handsome and rich and has fingers and is a stalker. On to chapters three and four!
Kate, Ana’s best buddy that she routinely damns to hell, orders Ana to call her stalker for photos. We have a photo shoot of Grey for the college paper that lasts 20 minutes. Really? This is a college paper, not GQ. Then he invites Ana out for “a coffee”. He offers to have his driver take her friends and equipment home, because that’s totally normal. Kate warns her that Grey is dangerous for a girl so innocent (read: stupid). Kate’s right, but will completely change her mind about him later because James knows nothing about character consistency.
Ana and Christian get in the elevator. Then they walk through the hotel lobby. Then they stop at the traffic light. Ana says “the green man appears and we’re off.” Wait, what? When did the aliens get here? Is the book getting more interesting? But no, I can only assume by context that she is referring to the green traffic light. We call them “lights” in America, E.L.
Finally we get to the coffee shop, and Ana orders tea, because she’s American and is “keen” on tea. Jolly good, Ana. Christian interrogates her. Were those boys she spoke to her boyfriends? Because if a guy talks to you, you must be sleeping with him, right? Then he asks her questions about her family and she tells him a bunch of boring stuff that goes on and on and has nothing to do with the story.
They leave the coffee shop. Back to the green man! Christian is still asking her questions. “Are you studying? What for? Oh, exams, I wouldn’t have guessed that. Why do you wear jeans? Because they cover your butt? I see.” This goes on a while, until Ana steps out and is nearly . . . GASP . . . hit by . . . OMG . . . a . . . a . . . bicycle. Christian, romantic hero, saves her just in time. Thank GOD, could you imagine what might have happened? Like, maybe a skinned kneecap or something. That’s much more frightening than, say, your vampire boyfriend denting a car with his face to save you.
So Christian holds her tight, and he’s like, super HOT and one of the voices in Ana’s head commands him to kiss her. But Christian can’t hear the voice, and tells her dramatically “I’m not the man for you.” Because vampires, I mean, business executives, are dangerous. They go back to the hotel. Ana is super pissed that Christian didn’t pick up on what she didn’t tell him; so she acts like a brat and snaps at him. Christian leaves. Ana goes into the parking garage and drives home. No, I’m just kidding! She folds up into a fetal position on the garage floor and sobs about her dashed hopes and dreams. They had coffee. Once. Holy Cow, as Ana would say, the world is ending.
Kate asks Ana about the date. She concludes that Christian likes Ana, since he ordered kidnapping supplies from her AND asked her out for coffee AND risked his life with that near-miss with the cyclist that could have totally resulted in them both expiring in a fiery ball of death. But Ana knows that he can’t be the man for her because he’s too good looking, and he’s the sun, and she’s Icarus, and why won’t she burst into flames already?
Ana’s psychosis, er, subconscious, talks her to sleep, and she has that dream again where she cannot find a bathroom anywhere. Wait, that’s my dream. She sees gray stuff again, and it’s all very prophetic . . . or something.
Ana finishes her final exam. What the hell, she actually went to college? She and Kate grin like Cheshire cats. Creepy. They go home and Ana gets a “parcel” from Mr. Dahr-cee, I mean, Christian. Oh, wow, the parcel contains three first editions of Tess of the d’Urbervilles. I’m not sure why she would need three, or how he even managed to find three first editions of a book. There can only be so many rare first editions, right? That IS why they call them “rare”. Oh, who cares? They have champagne.
Kate and Ana go out to get drunk. This is so strange for Ana, because usually she’s sitting in the college library reading the classics because she’s, you know, deep and stuff. After Ana’s fifth margarita – remember she had champagne before she even got to the bar – she thinks she might be a touch drunk. Oh, do ya think, Ana? I’m no expert on drinking, but I figure that considering she’s never had alcohol before, that much booze should have killed her by now. If only.
Instead, she goes to the potty (and we get to come along). While she’s there, she drunk dials Christian who demands she tell him where she is young lady so that he can go get her and ground her for a month! She hangs up on him, which is the first intelligent thing I’ve seen her do so far. Ana leaves the bar for some fresh air, and Jose, her good buddy, comes out and tries to sexually assault her. Nice! Never fear, though, Christian Grey arrives to save the day!
Wait . . . how did he get there so fast? Did he hop in the bat-copter? I’d think he’d have trouble finding a place to land in that case. Ah well, no matter. He found her because he traced her cell phone, somehow, which is not at all creepy. Ana barfs, sadly not on Jose, and Christian holds back her hair. My husband did that for me when I was pregnant and had the awful morning sickness, but we’d been married for a year. I couldn’t imagine him being thrilled to do this after just meeting me.
But it’s okay with Christian because drunk, vomiting girls make good targets; um, I mean, because he’s a true gentleman. After she’s done puking, Christian calls 9-1-1; because this looks like a case of alcohol poisoning. No? Okay, so he finds her address (he’s good at that) and drives her home. No? Oh, okay, he takes her back into the bar, forces her to have another drink, and then takes her out to the dance floor. Makes sense. Kate, her other caring friend besides the near rapist, Jose, has found another hot guy who happens to be Christian’s brother, and has completely forgotten about Ana who just minutes ago had staggered outside. Then Ana passes out and Christian yells, “Fuck!”
Oh, a cliffhanger! What will Christian do with Ana’s unconscious body? Bury her up to her neck and draw a funny mustache on her with permanent marker? Cause that’s what I’d do. We’ll have to wait and see. I can hardly wait.
“And stop all this self-pitying, wallowing crap.” (Ch4p50)
Please, Ana, listen to your subconscious, we beg you.