Okay! Moving on! 89 pages in! We’re covering chapters five and six, people! We can do this! I need a strong drink!
Last we left Ana and Christian, Ana had just tossed her cookies and passed out in Christian’s arms. Yay, romance! Ana wakes up in Christian’s bed. Zomg, Ana sees that she is missing her pants. Also her socks! Uh-oh. If we have missed the only sex scene this book has had so far, I’m going to be ticked.
We haven’t. Whew. Ana has orange juice and Advil. The orange juice is thirst-quenching and refreshing. No word about the Advil. Christian walks in wearing sweatpants that hang in that way. You know, that way. And he’s sweaty, which turns Ana on and then she feels like a two-year old. Christian explains to her phlegmatically (which I can only imagine involves lots of mucus) that he brought her to his hotel and took off her pants. But hey, he was honorable.
Ana snaps at him one second and then calls him a courtly knight the next. I think he should have slipped her some Lithium in place of the Advil. Christian explains that he is a dark knight. Oh, if only you were Batman, this story would be so much more interesting, Christian. Mr. so-not-as-cool-as-Batman gets all angry faced because he thinks Ana needs to eat more. Then he says he’d have spanked her if she had been his. His what? His child? Does Christian belong to the clean plate club?
Ana has an I Am Woman moment that lasts all of two seconds before her wacky subconscious shows up and does a happy dance in a hula skirt because the idea of being owned by someone is uber-sexy. Ana squirms with a needy, achy discomfort. Yeast infection? She tries to figure Christian out with her teeny tiny brain, but it’s been deprived of oxygen so much it comes up with an error message.
She has a shower scene in which she gets a little frisky with the body wash. When she comes out, she finds that Christian’s servant has brought her new clothes right down to the lacy underpants. How nice and not at all creepy. Christian commands her to sit and stay and throws Ana a piece of bacon when she obeys. Ana protests Christian buying her expensive things, like he’s trying to control her with money or some other crazy idea. Christian laughs at her and says he’s going to do whatever the hell he wants. OMG HE IS SO SEXY!
They have some not witty banter and other boring conversation for a few pages and then he tells her about how she has to fill out a contract to have sex with him. Hey, sign me up for that! Christian orders Ana to eat. Christian orders Ana to dry her hair. Christian brags about his helicopter. They get in the elevator and Christian has the urge to maul her. There is grunting and grinding until the elevator stops and some business men get on and Christian acts all cool like nothing happened except Ana mentioned that he had an erection so I’m thinking the other guys are probably going to notice the trouser tent.
Chapter Six begins and we are not done with this scene yet oh God just kill me now. Christian drives and plays music that smart people listen to and they talk about how smart it is and then Christian gets some phone calls on his steering wheel. He is totally borrowing the Batmobile, guys! They get to Ana’s apartment and her trampy friend Kate is all making out with Christian’s brother which is so not cool because it is not happening to Ana and Christian leaves and Kate asks if they DID IT and Ana says no and then Kate decides to makeover Ana for her date later with Christian in which they will discuss the sexy times paperwork.
Ana is sanded and prepped and goes to the hardware store and we have the first appearance of her inner goddess. How many voices are we up to now? If you include her regular narrative dialogue, that’s three. Christian picks up Ana and they talk and then they get in an elevator and then they get in the helicopter and Christian warns her not to touch anything because she is a total idiot and he straps her into her car seat and there’s a lot of helicopter doohickey talk for a dozen pages and they finally get to his home which is the size of Caesar’s Palace and they talk about how big everything is and it is such sexy innuendo you know because guess what else is big you will never guess!
And then comes what we’ve all been waiting for! That’s right, the paperwork! Well at least the nondisclosure agreement because who doesn’t sign one of those before sex? And then he tells Ana that he doesn’t “make love” he “fucks hard” and Ana thinks that holy shit that sounds hot and no I did not make up that line it’s in the book.
Speaking of pain, he opens the door to his “playroom” and I get the idea that this is not Pee Wee’s playhouse. Ana advances from Holy Cow to Holy Fuck and the chapter ends. Another cliffhanger! What could be in Christian’s playroom? Are there clowns? Because if there are clowns, I am NOT finishing this book, people. I have to draw the line somewhere.
“What able, cell phone-tracking, helicopter-owning stalker wouldn’t? Why won’t he kiss me again?”(Ch6p.77)
One of these things is not like the other, Ana.