Since I can be a tiny bit sarcastic, some readers have questioned if I’m making some of this stuff up. I wish. Christian really does have Ana sign a non disclosure agreement so she won’t go tattling when he beats the crap out of her and stuff. And there’s another form she’ll have to sign later filled with legal jargon about all the smackings and whackings . It’s like having sex with the IRS. But it’s all going to be okay now because at last we have reached the actual sexy times! Yes, in this highly erotic book, we finally have a sex scene!
But not until Chapter Eight. First we have Chapter Seven. If you’ll recall, Christian had just taken Ana into his playroom. Weee! The room is big and red. There is a wooden cross with shackles on the wall. I wonder if it is the same one Madonna used in her “Like a Prayer” video. He also has ropes, chains, paddles, riding crops, and other exciting instruments of torture. I did not make any of that up. I’m just relieved there are no clowns. Thank goodness.
Christian wonders what Ana thinks about all this. Ana’s subconscious is either “struck dumb or expired”, so one of her other voices takes over. “What is the appropriate response to finding out a potential lover is a complete freaky sadist or masochist?” Ana ponders. Gosh, I don’t know, Ana. I’m thinking I’d be easing my way out of there and filling out a restraining order, but then, I’m sane. Ana doesn’t think Christian will hurt her. Because it’s not like he’s done anything suspicious yet, right?
She asks Christian if he does this stuff to people or they do it to him. Christian’s response? “People?” He blinks a couple of times as he considers his answer. “I do this to women who want me to.” Get it? Because women aren’t people! Silly, Ana!
He goes on to explain about his rules and how he can torture her and she will like it and Ana asks what she gets out of all of this. Christian says, “Me.” I am not making that up. Wow. I am so hot for this guy right now! He goes on to say that Ana gets to live in the dungeon of doom. How exciting!
They leave the room and Christian introduces Ana to the contract. And we get to read every bit of it! Hot legal action! The contract tells her how she must dress (in clothes he buys her), what and how often she should eat, how much sleep she should get, how often she should exercise with his personal trainer, that she must be cleaned and waxed at a salon of his choosing, that she has to obey him at all times, that he can punish her however he chooses for failing to abide by these rules, and, oh yeah, that she must not put herself in danger. That would seem to negate the earlier parts of the contract.
And yes, all of that was straight from the book. No wonder women are fantasizing over this!
Next we get to the Hard Limits. These are things that even Christian won’t do. He includes on his list: no activities involving fire play, gynecological instruments, or getting pooped on and no I’m still not making this up. What a spoilsport. When Ana is done reading, she admits to Christian that she’s still a virgin and Christian is furious. End chapter.
Chapter Eight! THE chapter! Christian wants to know why Ana didn’t tell him she was a virgin earlier, and Ana, weirdo that she is, says she doesn’t tell that to people she’s just met. She’s mad at him, and yet still feels guilty for upsetting him. But then Christian tells her she is beautiful, so she gets all mushy inside and forgets all about it.
Christian decides to “rectify” the situation, which means he’s going to “make love to her” so that she is “properly trained” and can then be ready for the whips and chains. He tells Ana he wants to bite her lip because that makes him hot and that makes Ana hot that he’s hot over the whole lip thing. I’m so hot and bothered, I’m not sure I’m going to make it through this, guys. Wait. Maybe I’m just bothered.
The sexy times begin. There are two sex scenes, back to back, pun intended. They wouldn’t be such bad scenes, except James makes one fatal error. She makes the sex scenes between Christian and Ana. This means that anytime it starts approaching erotic, one of them says or does something stupid. For instance, Ana is incapable of talking about her vagina. She’s always getting feelings “down there”. Seriously? Down there? Is Ana twelve? She must be, because she has also never masturbated. I’m not sure what she was doing in the shower with the body wash, but whatever.
She makes lots of mental exclamations “He’s so freaking hot!” and “Oh my” and “Holy Shit” and “Jeez” and I start wondering if Christian is having sex with the Beaver. And yes, all of those expressions are straight from the book! Christian isn’t any better. He pounds into her “sex” like the Giant Engine That Could, which sounds delightful considering she is a VIRGIN. Ana yells “Aargh!” No, seriously. When they’re done, Ana says she wants more, so they do it again. Christian cries out “You. Are. So. Sweet” and “I. Want. You. So. Much.” in between thrusts. And I laugh hysterically. Wait, I mean, I’m so totally turned on I must excuse myself to the ladies room!
She falls asleep, and wakes up later to find him playing his piano in the nude. Christian plays sad puppy music because Christian has a frowny sad side, guys! He gets up, and Ana reveals that naked to her involves pajama pants that hang “that way”. The sheets are all bloody, but Christian doesn’t go, like, change them or anything silly like that. She tries to touch his chest, but Christian refuses and like, um, I think this might be foreshadowing. Why doesn’t he want Ana to touch him? Is he afraid she might break something off? That’s not a totally unrealistic thought, considering her track record.
They go to sleep and the chapter ends. Wow. I wonder what’s going to happen next? Do you think they’ll “do it” again? You know “down there”? And when will Christian use one of those torture instruments on Ana? Not that I’m looking forward to that or anything. We’ll have to wait and see as the excitement builds and builds and builds deep inside our bellies . . . or something.
“I flush . . . oh my . . . wishes do come true.” (Ch8 p99)
Ana really IS in a Disney Princess porn star!