50SoG Recap #5: Ana Meets Christian’s Package . . . And His Mommy

Ana wakes up the next morning and wants to watch Christian sleep, but can’t because she has “needs – bathroom needs”.  Her subconscious wakes up too so that she can “stare at Ana with pursed lips, tapping her foot.”  One of the voices in her head has started slut shaming her now.  I’m just going to say this now.  I’m not making this shit up.

 

For just a second she wonders if sleeping with total psycho is a good idea, but then she puts her hair in pigtails and skips off to the kitchen to make Christian breakfast.  As she remembers her night o’ passion, she has more belly clenching.  Then her subconscious starts screaming at her.  She really needs to get that checked out.

 

She cooks the bacon under the grill, which seems like a strange way to do it.  Christian comes into the kitchen and makes a vague threat and Ana wishes he would not be so cryptic. Right, cause it’s not like he’s spelled out all his psychotic tendencies in a contract or something oh WAIT.  He orders her to eat again.  She says she’s not hungry.  He yells at her to eat.  Ana eats, scolding herself for putting so much on her plate.  Yeah, that’s the problem, Ana, your serving sizes.

 

Ana begs Christian to let her talk to Kate about the sex stuff since she’s so clueless and he informs her that she can ask him.  You know, Christian, the one with the room full of torture instruments.  They take a bath together.  Ana feels desire “down there.”  Again. And she bites her lip.  Again.  And this turns Christian on.  Again.  And then – this is one of my favorite parts.  Christian says “I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body.” He introduces her to his penis!  More hilarity ensues – from me, anyway.  That reminds me, for some real fun, you should go to Jennifer’s blog and check out her “Name Christian’s Penis” contest.  It is full of win.

 

Ana gives her first blow job and deep throats him and is so awesome at it even though yesterday she barely knew what a penis was.  Ana’s inner goddess emerges again and drools.  They leave the tub and Christian ties her hands up with that tie on the cover and Ana thinks “Holy crap.”  Then he sexes on her and . . . licks her feet.  And then, and then she realizes he is going to kiss her “there”. 

 

Facepalm.

 

Just as they finish the sexing, they hear a voice outside.  Zomg, guys, Christian’s mom is there and they are so busted!  And so ends Chapter Nine.

 

Chapter Ten begins and the scene keeps going like the Energizer dildo bunny.  Christian orders Ana to get dressed and Ana (giggle) puts on Christian’s boxers, omg, and then she puts on her Converse shoes.  They both wear Converse shoes, and take Advil and Nyquil and how many companies are sponsoring this book?  She meets Christian’s mommy and blah blah boring and then Jose – the near rapist – calls her and she feels all guilty cause she didn’t call him back.  Yeah, Ana, what gives? 

Christian’s mommy leaves and his mouth becomes that “hard line” again because Ana talked to another boy.  He does more business talk on his phone, cause he’s like a business man, you know?  And then he gives Ana the ouchy sexy times contract to look over and advises she do some research.  What an idea.  Ana reveals that she is the only college student in existence to not have a laptop. 

 

And so they end the chapter.  Wait.  I check my Nook and it says there are fourteen pages left in this chapter and oh my God you must be kidding me.  Christian and Ana leave the room and get in the elevator and Ana asks permission to talk to her friend and Christian says it will all be better when she “submits” and stops “defying” him and then they get in Christian’s car which is a Audi R8 Spyder (cough, product placement) and they drive on the Interstate and listen to music and then what the hell there are still 11 pages left and they stop for food.  Because Ana must eat.

 

Ana wants a Diet Coke but Christian knows better and orders her wine.  And the waitress is all hot for Christian because he’s Christian and omg so hot.  Christian tells Ana about how his mother’s friend “seduced” him into the whole S&M thing when he was fifteen, which even Ana realizes is statutory rape, but Christian just “smiles fondly at the memory” because he is a freaking psychopath. 

 

He orders her to eat and she says no but he says yes so she eats and he drives her home and he kisses her hand which is “such an old-fashioned, sweet gesture.”  And she enters her apartment and crap there are still six pages left and the inner goddess is happy which makes one of us and Ana and Kate go blah blah blah and Ana reveals that even though it was her first time she orgasmed like fifty times because she’s a special snowflake and it occurs to her that hey maybe that NDA he had her sign is not legally enforceable. Hmm. And they talk about moving (closer to Christian!  Squeal!) and blah blah and Jose calls and three pages left double crap and Ana tells Jose the attack was like no biggie and Ana ponders Christian again but teeny brain syndrome so she finally opens the envelope with the contract and the chapter ends oh thank you God.

 

“Oh . . . what to do?” (Ch9 p126)

 

Leave or get murdered?  Ana just can’t decide!

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8 responses

  1. But he can’t be a bad guy, because he’s hot!

    Note to self: most important sex ed lesson to teach your daughter is how to spot a douchebag. Hey, I think that’s in a Cracked article.

    1. Yes, Cracked has an excellent article on this stupid book. And yeah, I totally forgot that it’s okay to stalk and intimidate others if you’re hot! I feel so silly now.

  2. I honestly thought about how if I were a company whose product was gratuitously placed throughout this book, I would sue. Or something. Whatever a company can legally do to not be associated with rubbish. But there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

    1. I can just see the commercials. Been reading 50 Shades? Have some Nyquil so you can sleep now! Actually, I’ve seen some of the merchandise they are now advertising for this book and . . . nothing would surprise me now.

  3. I bought the first book. I sit ashamed with that knowledge. My inner goddess says–oh, wait, I don’t have one of those.

    My bad.

    1. I’ve bought the first two books. I consider them an investment in my blog of sarcastic delight. My only regret is that I can’t burn them, as they are on my Nook.

  4. I wanted to check out Jennifer’s blog which is unfortunately blocked in our office. Weird. Not as weird as when Ana’s tiny brain starts thinking. Oh wait, it’s tiny, it doesn’t do much. The excitement of not knowing what will happen next (aside from more sexy times, I’m guessing. I’m taking my time reading your recaps.), I’m having a hard time working when I’m thinking that maybe this will happen in the next few chapters…

    Christian Grey reveals that he is a 100-year-old wizard. He just manipulated all the preceding scenarios just to introduce her to his penis. He wants his penis to become famous and be a rockstar in the genital world. Ana reveals that she is a powerful goddess from dumbland but is powerful enough to make his penis famous. Christian doesn’t like the idea of having another powerful creature in the room so he challenged her to a battle. Ana’s “down there” vs Christian’s penis. Ana loses because her mind down there is not working properly (which always happen btw). Christian materializes 10 dwarves and yells to them, “to the gallows!”. They carried her and left her “hanging” for the world to see how powerful Christian’s penis is. After a few hours his penis was the talk of the town. It became so famous that it was elected President of the Genital World.

    Sorry. I just had to do it. Oh well, back to work now. 🙂

    1. I really wish you had written the book. That would have been SO much better.

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