Recap #7: Emails, Psychos, Riding Crops, and oh yeah a Graduation

Chapter 13 begins with Ana wondering if maybe she’s been too negative about this whole sex slave contract.  Oh, noos, what if he just calls it off?

She talks to her mom who can’t come to graduation because her new husband hurt his foot and she has to babysit.  I wonder where Ana gets that pesky codependency from.  The chapter looks like another borefest, but wait – there’s pages of emails!  Christian sends Ana a definition of “submissive” for her to think about for their relationship meeting. Ana feels such relief that he is willing to discuss her issues!

But our Ana is so clever!  She sends him an email back with the definition of compromise!  He sends an email back to her and says she has a good point, and then says he’ll “collect” her from her apartment.  Well, that’s taken care of oh wait she sends an email saying she wants to drive her car and he sends an email back referring her to the submissive definition, like get a clue bitch, and she emails back to ask if she can please drive and he emails back and says fine, and we’re finally finished no wait she has to send an email saying “Thank you.” and then, and then, and then he sends one back saying “You’re welcome.”

Ana goes to work and has another guy hit on her, because every man has the hots for Ana.  She tells him she has a date with Christian, and he’s like, the Christian Grey, you mean the rich businessman that is as famous as Brad Pitt for some unknown reason?  Her inner goddess resents him being surprised and makes a rude gesture.  Inner goddess is kind of a bitch.

Kate lends Ana a plum-colored sheath dress for her to wear to negotiate her contract and I think hey wait if Ana thinks Kate has a much better body than her how come Ana fits in her clothes and then my brain hurts and I forget it. Next we get to hear about Ana’s getting ready routine and how her hair falls in soft waves to her breasts and this is just weird who talks about themselves this way?  Kate tells her how hot she looks and I wish they’d just make out already and Ana gets in her old, beaten up Beetle which is nothing like what Bella had because Bella had an old, beaten up truck you silly and she drives to Christian’s hotel and we hear about his hair which is still tousled.

Christian steeples his fingers in front of his mouth again, which just reminds me of Vincent Price how appropriate and blah blah and Ana says hey this isn’t legal why did everyone have to read that long contract and he explains that it is to show readers that he is an asshole and also to take up a lot of pages in James’ manuscript and okay I might have made that last part up.

And then he does something so unexpected and asks Ana if she’s eaten and smart girl says uh no because I guess she can’t remember to eat on her own and he gets all frowny about it and he says let’s go to my suite and she wants to stay in public (good idea) and he says okay let’s go to this private dining area and Ana’s like okay and blah blah contract and they eat oysters and blah and he mentions that oopsie he once hurt a girl by suspending her from his playroom ceiling and Ana runs screaming from the table oh I’m just kidding no she stays and thinks well gosh he really does want this like the sex contract is a puppy or something and more contract talk blah and Christian keeps track of her every bite of food he’s so considerate and then he tries to sex her up.

I figure they’ll be doin’ it right on the table but she insists on leaving and he lets her cause maybe they’d notice a body in the dining room.  She’s afraid they won’t see each other again but I think don’t worry he knows your address and has you followed he’ll find you.  Anyway, he takes her to her car and oh no frowny Christian!  He wants to buy her a new, safe car but she doesn’t want him to so I know he’ll totally honor her request.

She drives away and sobs because she realizes that he probably won’t go bowling with her if he’s busy torturing her in his playroom but oh no she can’t be without him and she gets home and big surprise there is another email I never would have guessed that would you?  His email tells her to just trust him.  And Ana thinks maybe they can plot a new course together because she’s an idiot.

Chapter 14 opens with another sex scene – now with more riding crops!  But it turns out to be a dream.  Ana is worried because she doesn’t like pain but her inner goddess is jumping up and down with cheerleading pom poms because riding crops sound great to this crazy bitch voice.  And, as an afterthought of course, Ana happens to be graduating, but never fear, Christian will be there giving out diplomas.  Because he donated money.  Just – no, no he would not.  I’ve graduated a few times and guess what E.L.?  The deans or heads of academic departments hand out diplomas, not businessmen no matter how much they donate or how cute they are.  Fail.

Kate is valedictorian and she gives her speech and then they have Christian give his speech because I guess there’s not a salutatorian, oh, like we give a shit if it’s not Christian, right, so who cares?  And girls in the audience are orgasming over him like he’s Bon freaking Jovi and even though it’s her graduation Ana can only think about if Christian is looking at her or not.  Christian does his speech and oh noos, he was once hungry?  Could that be why he demands she eat?  Ana is puzzled, and I am puzzled how she got a degree since she was supposedly a virgin when she met Christian.

Christian gives Ana her diploma and they start talking on the stage about why hasn’t she emailed him back I mean she was only getting ready to graduate and this is totally what would happen in the middle of a freaking graduation ceremony on a stage in front of lots of people.  After it’s over, Ana hugs Kate’s brother and oh oh Christian gets frowny and takes possession of his woman and takes her in a men’s locker room and locks the door.  I’m like okay so this is where he cuts her throat but no he just bitches at her for not telling him her every movement everyday and then he intimidates her into introducing him to her stepfather Ray.  And Christian charms Ray and blah blah other stuff that doesn’t matter for pages and then Ana agrees to be his sub and goes home and oh boy more emails and Christian invites himself over to discuss and Ana says “Holy crap.”

Oh, what will happen next?  Will we see Christian beat Ana till she’s literally all mushy inside?  We’ll just have to wait and see in our next installment of “As the Stalker Turns.”

“You look kinda dorky’ . . . My subconscious is at her snarky best.  ‘So are you going to introduce Ray to the man you’re fucking?’  She is glaring at me over her wing-shaped spectacles.  ‘He’d be so proud’.  God, I hate her sometimes.”(Ch14 p 198)

They have drugs for this, Ana.  I’m just saying

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