Before we get to the recap, I’d like everyone to know that my British friend told me that the green man is that sign that flashes for you to walk. Ohhhh. See our little walky man is white, cause we’re American, pal. Also, the condoms do come in foil packets, but he has never heard of anyone calling them that. See, even in England they call them condoms, James. So thank you to my friend – to protect the guilty we will just call him “John” – and let’s get back to the sex dungeons, shall we?
Although talk of condoms reminds me of something. While I think it’s good that James is advocating for safe, ha, sex here, do we have to hear about every time he “tears the foil packet” and slides one on? Can’t we just assume they’re taking care of birth control after that first time? Because reading about putting on a condom is about as exciting as watching someone put on a condom. In other words, it slows down the action. Even more. Which shouldn’t be possible.
Okay, on to Chapter 17. 233 pages into this . . . I hesitate to call it book. Shit sandwich with words inside – yes, that sounds better. There are a total of 26 Chapters. 26. That’s just 9 more chapters. That’s not so bad, right? Right??? I may be starting to crack up. It must be from all this arousal I’m feeling.
Ana wakes up with Christian draped across her, suffocating her with his body heat, but Ana just feels smug because he said he didn’t sleep with women but hey he’s slept with her three times already! And it only took a few beatings! Score, Ana!
There are more email wars (Stop it James. Stop it.) She explains that she’s a little upset that he beat the crap out of her but hey thanks for the cuddles and makes the subject of her email “Assault and Battery: The Aftereffects.” Clever Ana. Christian responds and says “Interesting . . . if slightly overstated title heading, Miss Steele.” Um, no, I think she pretty much covered it. He wonders if she can just get over it, you know, for him? She says she feels like running to Alaska and he says he would find her with his cell phone tracking technology. Not if she loses the damn cellphone, jerk. But Ana’s not bright enough to figure that out. She’s probably surprised that boomerangs return when she throws them.
She playfully discusses his stalker tendencies and asks if he’s gotten help and guess whats? He has a therapist who is probably tied up in his office right now. She drives to work and feels sadfaced because she wants Christian but not all that baggage he has. It’s sort of a package deal, nit wit. Speaking of packages, no, not that one, she gets a package in the mail. It’s a Blackberry! You’ll never guess why he gave her that! He writes in his email, “I need to be able to contact you at all times.” It’d be easier if he just inserted a tracking device directly into her brain. There’s a lot of empty space up there.
She doesn’t want it, but of course she keeps it. She gets home and Kate says, “I did note that he stayed.” What – like that’s a good thing, Kate? You don’t think he might have been doing that to control her or anything? Christian’s henchman takes her car and tells her that Christian is a “good man” cause hell it’s not like he has to worry about getting the crap beaten out of him. Probably.
Ana has a nice evening with her friends, including near rapist Jose, who just has such a “boyish charm” ya know. But oopsie, she forgot to email Christian and he is angrymadface Christian now. How dare she have a fun time with friends! He leaves a creepy speech on her answering machine about obeying him properly and she calls back and oh they’re being cute and silly again with all the “you hang up” “no, you hang up”. I want to hurt them both so badly.
She moves to Seattle with Kate and Christian sends her another gift. It’s a helicopter balloon. I’m guessing there’s a homing beacon in it. He also sends chilled champagne. Kate says, “He worries me, Ana.” But then adds “At least it’s good champagne and it’s chilled.” Yeah, that makes up for everything, Kate. Idiot.
Ana goes to visit Christian’s place to have a vaginal exam and is so excited her inner goddess jumps up and down with her pom poms. I bet E.L. James didn’t get to be a cheerleader in high school, what do you bet? I bet it was those evil blondes that were cheerleaders. Well, she showed them.
Chapter 18! You’ll never guess the color of the obgyn’s hair and why it makes Ana all pouty! She’s even jealous of the woman giving her a pap smear. Ana needs a different kind of doctor entirely. The doctor tells Christian to look after her because she is bright and beautiful (how does she know from one exam?) and Ana thinks well gosh that’s inappropriate of her to say. Wait, what, that’s inappropriate? Just . . . nevermind.
She jokes with Christian about not being able to have sex for weeks and he jokingly glares at her like he’s about to murder her and oh it’s such a fun game and they both laugh. He asks what birth control she chose and then reminds her to take her pill everyday. Please do Ana, we really don’t want you two to reproduce.
Ana thinks, “Holy cow. He wants to hurt me . . . how do I deal with this?” Let me think. Call the police, maybe? But then he sexes on her and her brain rattles and she forgets about it because omg he is so hot. They head for the Red Room of Pain and her inner goddess does ballet. He braids her hair and makes his own Ana leash. Then he chains her up to some grid, gets out the riding crop, and ride’em cowboy! Christian whiffs her panties (ew) and shoves them in his pocket. Then there’s some whipping on her sex, you know, down there, and then he sexes her and she has another shattering orgasm and I yawn and think at least it’s done but no he’s not finished.
It’s time for the cable ties – remember those? Ana sold them to him! He ties her up and there’s his merciless onslaught and moaning and groaning and Christian orders another orgasm so boom there she goes on command. Ana is really pooped from all the fun torture sexy times and she and Christian go to sleep. Finally. End chapter.
Gosh, what a cliffhanger. What will happen next? Will they wake up or will his house explode killing them both instantly? My inner goddess claps her hands at this idea.
“He can be such fun one minute, and then he can be so formal and stuffy the next.” (Ch17 p239)
He can also be murderous. Don’t forget murderous!