50SoG Recap #11: Buttplugs on My Mind

I’ve been thinking I should really add some kick-ass pics to these reviews but I’m not sure what putting the terms butt plug, psychopath, and riding crop into my search engine will tell my computer.  More ads for Viagra, coming up!

Anyway, before we get to the recap, I have an important announcement.  I have decided to start a blog fundraiser.  “Grow Ana a Spine” should take off really fast, and I think it is a more worthwhile charity than attempting to increase the size of Christian’s heart three times.  Only one part of Christian increases to three times its original size.

So Chapter 21.  Here we go.  Ana wakes up again, damn it, and tells us oh hey there’s a lot of light in the morning and she feels sorry for Christian again, cause deep inside that psychopathic asshole that beats women with riding implements is a sad little boy that wants a hug.  Awww.  Ana notes that she is adrift from reality.  You think, Ana?

She finds Christian in his office doing worky talk, cause remember he’s an important businessman that knows stuff.  They have sexy times on his desk.  Ana thinks, “Wow, that was unexpected.”  Seriously?  Another sex scene was unexpected?  They happen so often I find myself sounding like that squirrel from the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show.  A-gain?

Christian’s mood swings again and Ana’s puzzler hurts.  She seeks help from subconscious and inner goddess, but realizes “No- we’re all clueless.”  Our heroine, everyone!

Ana goes to an interview at a publishing company run by a Mr. J. Hyde.  Get it?  Gosh, EL is like so creative, you guyz.  A receptionist greets her but Ana’s not sure if she’s in her thirties or forties cause it’s so hard to tell with older women. 

Newsflash: Ana hates all women.  So does E.L. James.

Mr. Jack Hyde reminds Ana of Christian.  Of course.  And when he asks where she sees herself in five years she thinks dreamily “With Christian Grey.”  Funny, I see her six feet under in less than five weeks, but what do I know?  When Ana gets home Kate frets about how different her pal is acting (red flag, red flag) but when Ana says she thinks she’s in love, she’s like, oh, wow, you know Christian is so in love with you too I can tell by the creepy way he watches you at all times!  Ana is confused again, so she decides to . . . no, just . . . not again . . . email Christian.

There is not-witty email banter and Ana asks if the maid is an ex-sub because Ana is a moron and Christian says don’t be silly that would be weird.  She gets on the plane to Georgia and discovers that somebody upgraded her flight to first class.  I like the security at this airport.  I can imagine the conversation between Christian and the airport personnel.  “I’m sorry, sir, but we have strict procedures here that oooh is that a bright shiny penny?  Go right ahead!”  Chapter end.  Terrorists win.

Chapter 22 opens with Ana enjoying getting sloshed in first class.  This book is one big advertisement for the liquor industry.  It certainly makes me want to drink.  Ana gets out the Mac and emails Christian.  I hate you EL James.  Smart girl tells Mr. Homicidal Jealous Guy that she got a yummy massage from a guy.  The flight attendant tells Ana to put away her electronics.  Yay!  But Ana sneaks a peek at her Blackberry, because hey, email footsie is way more important than the lives of people on the plane.  Even Christian points this out, after he threatens to bind and gag her in the cargo hold.

I would like to bind and gag Ana and throw her in the cargo hold at this point.

She writes one more long, simpering email to Christian and then she’s getting orange juice again (50 Shades of Grey sponsored by Discount Liquor and Juice Emporium).  She makes it to Georgia where they gasp at how heavy the MacAir makes Ana’s luggage.

Does EL James own a computer?  What the hell did she type this shit on?

Ana’s mom gives her man advice.  She considers that her mother must be an expert because “she is on her fourth marriage.”  Logics, Ana does not haves them.  Christian emails Ana back with a lot of TL;DR and tells her that the sub is the one with all the power in the relationship.  All she has to do is say no, after all.  Yeah, um, she kind of HAS said no.  Numerous times.  You don’t listen, Asshat.

When he tells her he won’t bind and gag her in a crate if she doesn’t want him to, Ana is so touched and realizes she misses and loves him even though they’ve been separated for only one day.  They get in another email match with “You stop emailing!” “No you stop!” “No you!” and I get the urge to bash my Nook with a hammer, but it wasn’t cheap so I shall refrain.  Maybe I’ll hit myself with the hammer.

She goes to dinner with Mom, but no need to describe that because we have to get back to the emails.  And Ana, she . . . she asks Christian if he’s been playing with the thesaurus.  Come on, James, you know you’ve been doing that for the entire flipping book.  People can tell when suddenly you toss in a word you don’t understand that you think makes you sound smart but really only confirms your stupidity.  And while we’re on the thesaurus, why did you have to make Ana an English major, when clearly you’ve never taken an English course in your life?  Why, why, why???

Christian says he’s having dinner with a friend and Ana is convinced it is Mrs. Robinson and she is So Mad because what if they get back together?  Gee, that’s the conclusion I’d come to if my boyfriend said he was having dinner with a friend.  He was getting back together with his former molester.  Sure.  These two freaks are perfect for each other.

They email back and forth a couple of times and Christian actually starts sounding more reasonable than Ana but then he comments that she’s been drinking too many Cosmopolitans.  And Ana realizes that he’s followed her to Georgia.  It’s like that moment in “Sleeping with the Enemy” where Julia Roberts realizes that her ex has found her cause he hung up all those towels neatly in a row, remember?  That movie was one of those Chick Flick Romances, right?  End Chapter.

“I need a doll to stick pins in, maybe that way I can vent some of the anger I feel at this stranger.”

Me too, Ana, me too.

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8 responses

  1. I agree that Ana should not have been an English major. This book would be way more believable if she was an inflatable doll instead.

    1. Yes! That would be Christian’s perfect girlfriend too. He could stick all sorts of stuff in it and no complaints.

  2. Haha, yep, I think she was playing with a thesaurus, . . . that’s one thing I always bring up when I’m teaching or tutoring. Using the thesaurus to make yourself sound smart just makes you sound clueless if you use a word incorrectly . . .

    1. When I taught Freshman Comp you could go through the paper and mark every spot where someone abused their thesaurus. Dumb people should not use the thesaurus. Also, she needs to freaking just say “said”. “He said” is fine. STOP IT E.L.!

  3. OH! I know which part increases in size! His feet! He has gout, doesn’t he? That’s why he’s so grumpy.

    1. She DOES say several times “what is so sexy about feet?” I don’t know, James, I really don’t.

  4. I haven’t read the book, plan on not reading the book, and after laughing through your review, would never be able to with a straight face. Keep writing, and I’ll keep on not reading (the books, not your reviews). Well done!

    1. Thank you. If I can turn away just one reader from that book, my work is complete. 😀

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