I can’t believe it! We are on the last two chapters! The end is nigh! How is James going to end this book, especially considering we have yet to find a lucid plot? Will Christian ride Ana off into the sunset? Let’s find out!
Chapter 24 starts off with Ana’s mom having a breakdown because Ana is leaving. She warns Ana that she will have to kiss a lot of frogs before she finds her prince but Ana says “I think I’ve kissed a prince, Mom. I hope he doesn’t turn into a frog.” Unless we’re talking the Prince of Darkness, I don’t think so, Ana. She thinks Christian is her literary hero, but I don’t recall any literary novel where the heroine has the crap beaten out of her and thinks it is twu luv. Unless we’re talking that part of Pride and Prejudice where Mr. Darcy chains Lizzy to a bed and beats her with his riding crop whilst reading her beautiful poetry. But otherwise, get real, Ana!
On the flight, Ana thinks of poor Christian’s childhood and how he had to sit on the street and sell matches in the bitter cold before he got adopted by the Richie Rich family. Ana realizes that she “needs” Christian to love her. Let’s think about this. He made you sign a contract for rough sex, dear, and then hit you with a riding crop. Yup, the potential for true love looks really promising.
More emails. Ana ponders what “the situation” could be. I don’t care. She notices that the seat beside her is empty again and wonders if Christian might have purposely bought it to keep her from talking to anyone. Then she thinks, “No one could be that controlling, that jealous, surely.”
If you listen very carefully at Ana’s ear, you can hear the ocean.
Christian’s henchman picks her up at the airport and plays Pachelbel’s Canon for her. I think James just looked up impressive sounding music titles and plugged them in various places. As she prepares to meet Christian she worries about what his mood might be and hint you shouldn’t have to worry about his mood all the time, dim wit. But then she sees him and her “down there” takes over and she marvels over how “arresting” he looks and oh what an appropriate description.
Christian stops his urgent rambling on the phone (could it be the “situation”?) and he fists Ana’s hair again (how do you fist hair? Is fist a verb now?) and she smells his body wash which I can’t believe James doesn’t name. Is it Herbal Essences? Irish Spring? I just don’t know! He orders her to shower with him and we get to hear about him taking off each sock again. And she’s so happy to be wanted by this Greek god (remember Zeus was a Greek god and also an asshole).
He asks if she’s on her period and she’s not because she has the shortest periods on record, I guess. And they have sex against the wall. Then they shower and she invites him to Jose’s art show cause that’s a good idea but Christian decides not to kill her yet and announces he is “going to take her again.” Be still my beating heart.
Back to the Red Room o’ Pain. Ana doesn’t really want to be there but thinks “after all he’s done, I have to man up and take whatever he decides he wants . . .” That’s true, Ana, I mean he did go to the trouble of stalking you on your vacation; the least you can do is let him strap you down and beat you.
So he blindfolds her and puts his Ipad earbuds in her ears and Ana thinks “Jeez I hope its not rap” because that is going to be her biggest problem, the music selection. He cuffs her to the bed and smacks her with a flogger and she gets all giddy “down there” He sexes her and there are exploding orgasms blah blah and then they have cutesy talk about whether he can tell a joke and he threatens to torture her and chapter end.
Chapter 26 – THE LAST CHAPTER I AM ECSTATIC! Ana wakes up and Christian is playing sad puppy piano again. She sits with him and Christian suggests doing her on the piano but Ana wants to talk. Christian gets the rules for Ana and we get to read them again only with some of them crossed out because they compromised remember? Ana rolls her eyes again and Christian wants to spank her but she says catch meeee and they race around the table and Ana says she feels about punishment the way he feels about touching (showing a spine?) and Christian gets all sadfaced because wow she really doesn’t like being smacked around? But Ana says it’s not so bad (nope no spine) and Christian says he won’t hurt her beyond anything she can’t take I mean what a prince there and Ana wants to know why he has to hurt people but Christian won’t tell her because that might make her run away.
Christian. She hasn’t run yet. I think you could tell her you were one of the Borg and ready to assimilate her and she’d say “Okey dokey”.
And there’s all the “I don’t wanna lose you” crap and then Ana has this bright idea, I mean, it’s her best so far. She tells him to give her the worst punishment she can expect to get because then he might let her touch him. Hmm. You know, some people just let you touch them, no beating required. But okay. Back to Christian’s Playhouse and Christian grabs a belt and bends Ana over a bench. And he hits her and this time she gets to scream count for him. He smacks her six times and it smarts. No really, she says “Holy shit . . . that smarts.” He tries to cuddle with her and Ana pulls away.
Maybe it is possible to beat sense into people because Ana tells him he is “a fucked-up son of a bitch” and “needs to sort his shit out.” Holy cow, language, Ana! She goes to his bed and he gets all kissy and asks her not to hate him and she turns to him and says. “I’m sorry.”
She says she’s sorry for what she said and he says sorry for beating you and she says she asked for it and this is truly a great day for feminism. Ana tells him she loves him and Christian gets all panicky and Ana’s one brain cell realizes they might, might be incompatible. She dresses and her butt hurts a bit but she thinks it is better than the pain of her “splintering, shattered heart”. Hey, Ana, better that than your “splintering, shattered pelvis.” I mean, I’m just saying.
Ana gives him back all the goodies and he whines that she’s wounding him but she actually sticks to it and asks for the money for the car he forced her to sell. There’s more “no don’t go, oh I have to go, oh but I don’t want you to, it is better this way” and this is the longest breakup ever.
She gets home and sees the helicopter balloon he gave her. It’s all deflated and she hugs it and wonders “what have I done?” She suffers horrible, agonizing pain and grief, I mean way worse than those whiny Holocaust victims, and realizes that the belt was nothing compared to this unbearable pain of losing Mr. Fabulous and she curls up with the balloon and “surrenders” to her grief.
And I surrender to my joy that this book is OVER! Stay tuned next time for my reflections on 50 Shades of Grey. I must now leave you to party with my inner goddess and subconscious.
“I fall into my bed, shoes and all, and howl.”(Ch26 p391)
Yeah, that’s pretty much what I did after every chapter. Goooodbye, Ana!