When I reached the end of this turdbucket, um, bestselling book, I felt . . . oh my, what’s the word? Like my inner goddess was assaulted by a stupid stick repeatedly, causing me to bite my lip and frown in a hard line. I’ve forgotten how to make basic sentences, and I no longer remember to eat. My subconscious and I just sit around and drink. And think about Christian. How will we ever survive without our special psychopath? I mean they broke up and . . .
There’s another book. Wait, what? How could there be a second . . . there are THREE of them? Wow, that’s just . . . like caramel mocha fudge brownie buttplugs. . . or something. What will become of Christian and Ana’s epic romance? What role will the riding crop play? Will there be zombies? I mean, besides Ana?
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but inner goddess has woken from her stupor and is insisting I read these other books because she feeds on stupid and there are no new episodes of Teen Mom on T.V. right now. Damn that inner goddess!
So I went to Amazon to find the next book, 50 Shades More Profit, or something like that. And there are all these reviews of the first book . . . positive reviews. And I think a lot of them must be from real people. And I’m so curious why people, especially women people, love this book. Inner goddess insisted I look, though subconscious really just wanted another shot.
So I looked and . . . I just . . . don’t even. Here’s a brief summary of the positive reviews (there are at this moment 4, 239 five star reviews). “Christian is a great male lead because he is so hot and charming! Anastasia is so sweet and her inner voices are cute! You cannot put the book down it is so intense! And it’s not just about sex, it is a LOVE STORY because Ana changes this tortured man with her love. I’ve read each book ten times each. They are the best books I have ever read!”
Now everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even if their opinion is wrong. But still, these reviews, along with the many, many, Holy Double Crap, many articles praising the work and how it has done wonders for the sex lives of couples make me weep a little for the future of humanity. But then I find sanity in blogs written by people with way more talent and possibly too much free time and I have hope. Also there are the negative reviews. Amazon currently has 3, 456 one star reviews, and as one reviewer says, the reviews are far better than the books themselves. I have included some of the honest-to-goodness review titles so you can get an idea.
First there are plays on the books title . . .
50 Shades of Really Bad
50 Shades of Dysfunction
50 Shades of Suicidal Thoughts
50 Shades of Regret
50 Shades of Stupid
50 Shades of don’t self publish
“50 Shades of REFUND,” I murmured dryly with a wry smirk.
50 Shades of Boring
50 Shades of Awful
50 Shades of Crap
50 Shades of Bad
50 Shades of B.S.
50 Shades of Amateur
50 Shades of Garbage
50 Ways to Yawn
Shades of Poor Writing
And then some tell you what they really think.
Not the worst I’ve read . . . No wait IT IS.
Warning: You will not be able to unread this book if you decide to try it
Wow. Jeez. Holy Cow! This book is not worth the time or money
THIS is what the hype was about?
If Crap Had an A$$hole, This Would Be Shooting Out of It
Can I give it zero stars?
I want to give this book to someone I hate and tell them it’s awesome. That’s how bad this is.
Horrified this was actually published. More horrified that people are reading it!!!
Oh my . . . am I British, American, or 14?
Oh My, Biting My Lip, Jeez
Make it go away!
Oh my. Oh crap. Holy cow. Holy crap. Holy Moses. Oh No. Frown!
My inner goddess is crying
My IQ dropped 10 points every time I opened the book!
Horribly Irresponsible and Stalker Supported
Zero stars. I’d rather read Itunes agreements
I’ll have whatever the reviewers are smoking, thank you.
A student writing this would receive an F
You have to be kidding me
Are we all just subjects of a social experiment?
The publishing world has hit rock bottom
Terrible is an understatement
Laugh out loud ridiculous!
Entertainment is crimson, er, grey, er . . geez!
Um . . . what?
Will this ever end?
My “down there” is sad that this book is so awful
A “novel” of Twits, for Twits
Complete waste of time, money, and brain space
Stockpile in case of toilet paper shortage
A literary masterpiece (if you’ve had a frontal lobotomy)
So there you go. And no, I haven’t made an official review for Amazon yet – these are from other people. These reviewers are passionately angry, like Christian when Ana breathes funny, and for good reason. The reviews are clearly written better than the book, and the book has sold millions of copies. Bad art makes us passionate, and so we strike back however we can. With snark, with puppets, with gifs, with social media, and with various misuses of Microsoft Word and Photoshop. We are readers, here us snark!
And then go take some Advil with an extra hit of Nyquil.