50 SoG: Double Crap, Reflections!

When I reached the end of this turdbucket, um, bestselling book, I felt . . . oh my, what’s the word?  Like my inner goddess was assaulted by a stupid stick repeatedly, causing me to bite my lip and frown in a hard line.  I’ve forgotten how to make basic sentences, and I no longer remember to eat.  My subconscious and I just sit around and drink.  And think about Christian.  How will we ever survive without our special psychopath?  I mean they broke up and . . .

There’s another book.  Wait, what?  How could there be a second . . . there are THREE of them?  Wow, that’s just . . . like caramel mocha fudge brownie buttplugs. . . or something.  What will become of Christian and Ana’s epic romance?  What role will the riding crop play?  Will there be zombies?  I mean, besides Ana?

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but inner goddess has woken from her stupor and is insisting I read these other books because she feeds on stupid and there are no new episodes of Teen Mom on T.V. right now.  Damn that inner goddess!

So I went to Amazon to find the next book, 50 Shades More Profit, or something like that.  And there are all these reviews of the first book . . . positive reviews.  And I think a lot of them must be from real people.  And I’m so curious why people, especially women people, love this book.  Inner goddess insisted I look, though subconscious really just wanted another shot.

So I looked and . . . I just . . . don’t even.  Here’s a brief summary of the positive reviews (there are at this moment 4, 239 five star reviews).  “Christian is a great male lead because he is so hot and charming!  Anastasia is so sweet and her inner voices are cute!  You cannot put the book down it is so intense!  And it’s not just about sex, it is a LOVE STORY because Ana changes this tortured man with her love.  I’ve read each book ten times each.  They are the best books I have ever read!”

Now everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even if their opinion is wrong.  But still, these reviews, along with the many, many, Holy Double Crap, many articles praising the work and how it has done wonders for the sex lives of couples make me weep a little for the future of humanity.  But then I find sanity in blogs written by people with way more talent and possibly too much free time and I have hope.  Also there are the negative reviews.  Amazon currently has 3, 456 one star reviews, and as one reviewer says, the reviews are far better than the books themselves.  I have included some of the honest-to-goodness review titles so you can get an idea.

Proposed Revised Cover of 50 Shades

 

First there are plays on the books title . . .

50 Shades of Really Bad

50 Shades of Dysfunction

50 Shades of Suicidal Thoughts

50 Shades of Regret

50 Shades of Stupid

50 Shades of don’t self publish

 “50 Shades of REFUND,” I murmured dryly with a wry smirk.

50 Shades of Boring

50 Shades of Awful

50 Shades of Crap

50 Shades of Bad

50 Shades of B.S.

50 Shades of Amateur

50 Shades of Garbage

50 Ways to Yawn

Shades of Poor Writing

Ana thinks deep thoughts.

 

And then some tell you what they really think.

Bestseller?  Really???

Not the worst I’ve read . . . No wait IT IS.

Warning: You will not be able to unread this book if you decide to try it

Wow. Jeez. Holy Cow! This book is not worth the time or money

THIS is what the hype was about?

If Crap Had an A$$hole, This Would Be Shooting Out of It

Can I give it zero stars?

I want to give this book to someone I hate and tell them it’s awesome.  That’s how bad this is.

Horrified this was actually published.  More horrified that people are reading it!!!

Oh my . . . am I British, American, or 14?

Oh My, Biting My Lip, Jeez

Make it go away!

Oh my. Oh crap. Holy cow.  Holy crap.  Holy Moses. Oh No. Frown!

My inner goddess is crying

My IQ dropped 10 points every time I opened the book!

Horribly Irresponsible and Stalker Supported

Zero stars.  I’d rather read Itunes agreements

I’ll have whatever the reviewers are smoking, thank you.

Crap!!!

A student writing this would receive an F

You have to be kidding me

Are we all just subjects of a social experiment?

The publishing world has hit rock bottom

Terrible is an understatement

Painfully Cheesy

Really, ladies?

Laugh out loud ridiculous!

Entertainment is crimson, er, grey, er . . geez!

Um . . . what?

Will this ever end?

My “down there” is sad that this book is so awful

A “novel” of Twits, for Twits

Complete waste of time, money, and brain space

Stockpile in case of toilet paper shortage

A literary masterpiece (if you’ve had a frontal lobotomy)

 

So there you go.  And no, I haven’t made an official review for Amazon yet – these are from other people.  These reviewers are passionately angry, like Christian when Ana breathes funny, and for good reason.  The reviews are clearly written better than the book, and the book has sold millions of copies.  Bad art makes us passionate, and so we strike back however we can.  With snark, with puppets, with gifs, with social media, and with various misuses of Microsoft Word and Photoshop.  We are readers, here us snark!

And then go take some Advil with an extra hit of Nyquil.

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10 responses

  1. Awesome! I want to comment more, but am using a device where I type with one finger, and since I started this comment 3 hours have passed. Me like ur reflec. Yay!

  2. Thanks for the comments. We also have to consider you’ve been through 3 books, so it’s amazing you can still form sentences. I’m pondering whether to do the next books. I’ve really enjoyed it, er making fun of it not the book, but I’m not sure if I’ll get enough response. I’m pretty new to this. What do you think?

    1. I so, so enjoy your recaps, but you should know, the second book is worse and the third book is unreadable. You may have noticed my recraps have slowed down a bit. But if you’re game, i say go for it. I would definitely read.

      1. Thanks! Okay, so I definitely have to do this. I’ve never read a book this bad in so many bizarre ways before. I already downloaded the sample of the second one and it has yet to dissappoint in the insipid stupidness. Give my best to poor braindead Goofy and Hugo. I’m eager to see how they manage to survive to the end.

  3. I love the warning that you won’t be able to unread it.

    1. You definitely start wanting one of those Harry Potter wands by the end.

  4. As much as it pains me to say, I think part of the reason this book is so popular has to do with the writing. Much in the same way that Twilight was popular with tweens and teenyboppers, the writing doesn’t really develop the main character (Ana) too much. It allows any old reader to easily slide into her shoes and put themselves in her place, just like it was easy for teen girls to put themselves in the shoes of Bella in her series. Which I guess makes sense, since 50 Shades began as Twilight fanfiction? But still, what does this say about our culture? I too am an owner of an English/Lit degree, and I can’t help but think that “our kind” will be dwindling if this is the kind of “literature” the masses are reading.

    Anyway, kudos for including the titles of the bad reviews. My faith in humanity is (semi) restored!

    1. I just now found this comment, and it’s only been um 6 months? Whoops. I have, at this point, just finished the third book, and in spite of the negative Amazon reviews, my faith in humanity is down, down, down.

  5. sigh in the interest of honesty I have to admit I read all 3 books and I must say I wish I had of just read your recap to save me $ and brain pain. Hope you take one for the team and do the next 2. Maybe we should fund raise for your supply of Advil and Nyquil.

    1. It would be greatly appreciated! I took quite a few hits for the team, as you can tell. 😀

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