I have debated whether to recap the next two books in this amazing series. The first book was truly an adventure in awful, but we were left at such a cliffhanger! Ana left Christian! Of course we know Christian is peeking in her window at this very moment, so the question is how long will it be before he murders, er, is reunited with his twu luv?
So I downloaded the sample of “50 Shades Dumber” to my Nook Color (Buy one today! Probably won’t break down in a year!) I got the first chapter and part of the second; and wow, they were pretty fantastic, if you like drinking floor cleaner. I decided to take a short break and actually write some of my own stuff, though I admit I kept looking over it for signs of Jamesism. Crap, did I have that character talk to a voice in her head? Did his pants hang that way? Was that last sentence complete? Do I understand subject / verb agreement, or for that matter, what a subject or verb is.
I’m not entirely sure. But I figure I should get this crap out of my system so that I can further devote myself to writing that doesn’t make people puke and might one day be noticed by publishers. I’m thinking of writing “Twilight Sexy Times” as the title, even though it has nothing to do with that, in hopes of attracting a publisher who will give me millions based on the cover alone. I’m pretty sure that is what James had to have done.
But I haven’t just been focused on 50 Shades, people. I read as well. In fact, right now I am reading The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson. It’s really the perfect companion piece for 50 Shades of Grey. I thought, just for kicks, I’d see if Christian qualifies and you will never believe what I found out!
But first, I must present to you an image of Our Hero created by The University of Lancashire (as a project? I’m not sure why.) I stole it from The Telegraph. It’s not creepy at all.
With that charming image in mind, these are 20 items on the test (from pages 98-99). Here we go:
Item 1: Glibness / superficial charm. Check! Well, at least it charms Ana.
Item 2: Grandiose sense of self-worth. Yup. “Look at my big house. Look at my helicopter. Meet my penis.”
Item 3: Need for stimulation / proneness to boredom. The guy has a Red Room of Pain. I think that qualifies.
Item 4: Pathological lying. “I would never hurt you, Ana, I swears!” Whap!
Item 5: Conning / Manipulative. “Stay away Ana, I am no good for you hey do you want a ride in my big helicopter?”
Item 6: Lack of remorse or guilt. “Can’t you get over this whole beating thing?”
Item 7: Shallow affect. Any more shallow and you’d hit rock bottom.
Item 8: Callous / Lack of Empathy. I’m not sure about this one. I mean he did rub baby oil on her butt after beating the crap out of it.
Item 9: Parasitic Lifestyle. If Christian could literally move into Ana’s “down there”, you know he would.
Item 10: Poor behavioral controls. Do we even need to go here?
Item 11: Promiscuous sexual behavior. He’s had 15 subs, plus Mrs. Robinson, plus he apparently paid for sex, all before Ana, and he’s 27. Gee, I don’t know. Is that normal?
Item 12: Early behavior problems. He says that Mrs. Robinson set him on the straight and narrow with BDSM. Hmm.
Item 13: Lack of realistic long-term goals. Does he have a goal besides screwing Ana?
Item 14: Impulsivity. “Hey some girl that fell in my office, do you want a job?”
Item 15: Irresponsibility. Once when he was hanging a girl from his ceiling, he kinda hurt her. I’d say this was slightly irresponsible.
Item 16: Failure to accept responsibility for own actions. “Not my fault you didn’t use the safewords while I was whipping you. Jeez, Ana.”
Item 17: Many short term marital relationships. Well, not marital, but he had 15 freaking subs. And not the sandwich kind.
Item 18: Juvenile delinquency. See Item 12
Item 19: Revocation of conditional release. The only reason he’s not in an institution is because he’s rich. Also that Dr. Flynn is so awesome.
Item 20: Criminal versatility. “Check out my cool room of torture instruments! Also, look at all the ways I can stalk you! Is that cool or what?”
You’re considered a psycho if you qualify for like ¾ of these, and Christian gets – bing bing bing! – every single one. Did James purposely try to make this guy a psycho? I don’t think so. For one thing, she’d have to have done some research. For another, he’s supposed to be this romantic hero. Sure, a damaged hero, but still a hero who can be reformed by love. This doesn’t often happen with psychopaths.
Except Christian because Ana is a super speshul snowflake as we will all see as soon as we read the other two books which will expand on their love story and how Ana is so much better than a psychiatrist or drugs or electroshock therapy. I can hardly wait!