50 Shades Dumber Exclusive Interview: Taylor

I reviewed Blue’s Clues a while back, and I’ve just realized that it is similar in nature to 50 Shades.  You see, James drops clues in her book, but not just any clues.  These are giant, economy size clues that you couldn’t possibly miss unless you’re as dumb as Blue’s owner.  For instance there is the “clue” that Christian has some issues with food that is repeated over and over and over again.  Imagine a giant blue pawprint on Ana’s forehead.  I do, and it makes me feel better.

Ana was biting her lip in this chapter? WHERE?

Anyway, I also compared 50 Shades to Dora the Explorer because of its repetitiveness, although now that I think of it there are so many other ways it is similar what with that explorer theme and OMG I have been reading these books too long.  My point is that these books are as repetitive and obvious as a children’s program, so I figured that with the sequel, 50 Shades Dumber, er, Darker, I would try to spice up the recaps for you guys by having the characters themselves tell you what’s going on in a series of interviews.  Covering Chapter 1 is Taylor, Christian Grey’s loyal assistant.  Here is the transcript of the interview, written by my subconscious.  Inner goddess was the photographer.

No, really, this is part of my job.

Alice: Taylor, thanks for joining us today.  So, what’s it like working for Christian Grey?

Taylor: Christian Grey is a good man and an excellent boss.  He pays me well and gives great benefits.  For instance, not many employers will throw in Accidental Death and Dismemberment benefits for free.

Alice: Oh, I almost forgot.  I managed to get you in that Witness Protection Program after all.

Taylor: Really?  Thank God!  I thought I was going to have to start poisoning that freak’s Trojans.

Alice: So you don’t really think he’s a great boss?

Taylor: Are you kidding?  The guy is a total whackjob!  He has me buy lacy underwear for his victims.  Now everyone in Victoria’s Secret thinks I’m a total perv.  Who does this?  Who makes their employees buy women’s underwear, huh?  Who?  I mean I realize that there’s that part of the job description that says “and other duties as assigned” but really?  He makes me order his S&M supplies.  People are starting to wonder why we need so many riding crops when we don’t have horses here.  And – and he can’t do anything for himself!  I have to bring the idiot his bunny slippers and read him bedtime stories about crack whores!

Alice: That’s . . . interesting.  What do you think of his relationship with Anastasia Steele?

Taylor:  I liked it better when he had sub of the month.  I hate Ana.  She’s a jerk to everybody.  Even the voices.  She’s always talking to those voices in her head.  She does this out loud but she doesn’t realize it.  Christian thinks her schizophrenia is “cute”.  Anyway, she thinks no one can hear her but guess what?  I can.  And her thoughts are stupid.  You know what else I can hear?  Their constant boinking in the backseat.  What are they, weasels in heat?

Alice: You must have been happy about their breakup then.

Taylor: Ecstatic.  But it didn’t last, of course. 

Alice: It didn’t?

Taylor: Hell, no.  I walked in Christian’s office a few days later and there’s Christian typing out emails to her.  That’s really all he does at work.  When he’s on the phone talking business, he’s not actually talking to anyone.  The phone’s not even on.  People just go with it.  So he says I have to drive them to his helicopter, which he flies freaking everywhere because he’s such a snobby jerk.  He wanted to fly Ana to her friend’s gallery opening so he can be a real douchebag to everyone there, as always. 

Christian Grey at work

Alice: But if they were broken up, why was she going with him to her friend’s gallery opening?

Taylor: Because the twit can’t take a bus, apparently.  He offered her a ride and it didn’t occur to her to find other transportation.  Did I mention she’s an idiot?  Okay, so here’s what happened.  He told me to drive them, because I have nothing else to do but be his slave, of course.  So she gets in the car, and he bitches at her about eating because the girl’s a freaking anorexic but like it’s his business what she eats?  So he’s an asshole to her, but in like five seconds the stupid girl’s in his lap.  I really don’t know why he didn’t just get a Cocker Spaniel like I suggested.

Alice: It would be hard to tell the difference.  So do you know what happened at the gallery?

Taylor: Yeah, I heard about it, because guess what?  I’m also his bloody therapist when Flynn’s not around.  He was really pissed off because her friend took all these pictures of Ana in different poses.  He bought them all, and I have to tell you, they are not that exciting.  Girl’s biting her lip and staring off blankly in every one of them.  But that lip stuff really revs his engine.  After the gallery, he said he got to second base with her in the alley.  And then he took her to a restaurant because she was about to die of starvation right in front of him, apparently.  He called me to pick them up, again.  I was all ready to sit back and watch an episode of Bachelor Pad, too.  Story of my life.

Alice: Well, thank you, Taylor, for your time.  Hey, look there’s Christian waiting for you.  You don’t think he’s been listening in on us, do you?

Taylor: Crap.

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4 responses

  1. Oh my. I’m soooooo glad Taylor secretly hates Christian. I was worried this was going to be “Christian is a great man” “Christian’s freakishly long fingers are great men” kind of interview.

    When I eventually write another Fifty Shades Freed post (god help me), I’m linking to these because these recaps and interviews are the opposite of Ana, which means brilliant.

    1. Thanks! I would really appreciate that. I sometimes reread your recaps because they make me laugh out loud. Hope Hugo and Goofy (and your brain) are recovering.

  2. […] it is the opposite of a raging hemorrhoid. Alice is currently recapping Fifty Shades Darker by interviewing E.L. James’ moronic fictional creations. For her earlier work on Fifty Shades of Grog, start […]

  3. […] 50SoG Interviews Taylor: I start interviewing 50 Shades fictional characters.  Speaker 7, her mind clearly blown by her recaps, links to me and I get semi-famous! (12/8/22) […]

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