I can’t tell you how happy I am to be doing these interviews. Reading this moron’s memoirs is about to drive me up a ceiling as I put my pedal to the floor and misuse various other clichés. She is so infuriating I have wanted to beat my Nook into the desk, and I’m only on chapter 2. So anyway, let’s get to our next guest who is . . .
Alice: Ana, thanks . . . so much . . . for joining us.
Ana: Is Christian here?
Ana: But he’s coming right? Because I have needs.
Alice: Yeah, you realize he’s stalking you every second, right?
Ana: Isn’t that romantic?
Alice: No. I heard you and Christian got back together. How is it going?
Ana: I’m so happy! Christian took me to this restaurant that wasn’t good enough for him but it was really romantic to me because Ella Fitzgerald’s music was playing and I like her because I’m so academic yet quirky! He was really snippy with the waiter, because he’s so calm and efficient and not at all a jerk and he ordered steak for me without giving me a choice but that’s okay because he is OMG so hot.
Alice: So did you guys talk about anything remotely relevant to the plot?
Ana: Hmm, let me see. What do you think inner goddess?
Alice: Who are you talking to?
Ana: I wasn’t talking to anyone. Let’s see, first he yelled at me and called me a child and said not to make him jealous and then we laughed about the word “moot” cause it’s such a funny word. It kind of sounds like “toot”, you know?
Alice: Uh huh.
Ana: And I told him about my indescribable anguish I’d felt for like THREE DAYS and he said he was anguished too and that he behaved stupidly.
Alice: Whoa, he admitted he did something wrong?
Ana: Well, yes, but I behaved stupidly too! I didn’t use the safe word when he was beating me!
Alice: . . . .
Ana: I felt so silly, because I’d just brought all this on myself! So I apologized to him.
Alice: You apologized. . . . to . . . him?
Ana: Yes! And he said we could have avoided all this suffering if I’d just been open with him and told him the safeword. I had kinda thought maybe we could avoid the suffering if he didn’t hit me with a belt, but what do I know? Shut up, subconscious. Anyway, he told me he was “in perpetual night” without me! Then he ordered me to eat before he had to spank me. Oh, and I have a new nickname for him. I call him Fifty. You know, like how he’s fifty shades of fucked up? Isn’t it cute?
Alice: I think you’re insane.
Ana: So then he had Taylor come pick us up and we got in his AUDI which is such a cool and awesome car and Christian starts up relationship talk but I’m like OMG like Taylor can hear us, you know? And he says it’s all cool because he had Taylor wear an I-Pod.
Alice: While he was driving? That sounds dangerous.
Ana: Oh, he wasn’t listening to rap or anything, so it was fine. Christian said, “Forget he’s here. I do.” Isn’t he sweet? Then we negotiated our relationship and I decided that I like kinky fuckery after all. Yes, I told him, inner goddess, please put down your pom poms. But then I said I didn’t like the canes and whips and how he gets his jollies beating the snot out of me because of crossing some arbitrary line.
Alice: Good for you. And what did he say?
Ana: Well he said the rules weren’t arbitrary because they were written down and I was like well I don’t want rules so he asked if it was alright to spank me and I figured hey that was pretty cool with the vaginal balls so I said okay. And he was happy I was okay with pain after all.
Alice: Wait . . . what?
Ana: For a while, I had no thoughts in my head at all. It was like a computer crash! Can you believe it?
Ana: But then I thought about light and dark again and how I’m totally going to save him but I was worried about his needs, you know? To hit people. And he said he needed me more! And then, oh Alice, he said the most romantical thing OF ALL. He told me, “The thought of anyone else having you is like a knife twisting in my dark soul.”
Alice: I wrote better poetry than that in the 5th grade.
Ana: No, no, he is a genius, and I told him he is so kind, and generous, and he’s never lied to me, and really I was the one who didn’t try hard and he said I was “exquisite, honest, warm, strong, witty, and beguilingly innocent”!
Alice: You aren’t any of those things.
Ana: And I told him I love him and all I want is to please him and then I got snuggly in his lap and he told me about his horrible childhood! The crack whore – that’s his pet name for his birth mommy – had this pimp that used him as an ash tray, and then his mom killed herself and it took them four days to find them isn’t that awful!
Alice: He calls him mom “crack whore”?
Ana: Then I slept on him and when I woke up he was covered in drool. And he told me that I was going to beg him for sex! And I told him that my boss was taking me out for drinks, because hey, why not, right? And he got kind of mad but then he kissed me and there was melting and a moan and he gave me a present which was all the stuff he gave me before PLUS an Ipad with music that said how he felt about me!
Alice: He gave you a mixed tape? Seriously?
Ana: Yes, and let me tell you all about every app on the Ipad!
Alice: No. Don’t.
Ana: Well, I’ll tell you about all the songs he put on there.
Alice: I don’t care.
Ana: Pooh. Well, once I listened to his love for me, I decided to email him!
Alice: Dear God, no.
Ana: Yes and we went back and forth and back and forth and he is so witty but not quite as witty as me! And when we were done emailing he told me to dream of him and I snuggled up with the Charlie Tango balloon and I wondered if I should make a mixed tape for Christian too.
Alice: Wow. Well I really don’t have any more questions for you. Ever.
Ana: Just let me know! I’ll be glad to gush about Christian any time you . . . oh oh he’s ringing the bell again and somehow everytime I hear it I just have to go! Ta-ta!