Dear WordPress

Hey, WordPress!

It’s amazing how much time you can waste trying to figure out how to outfit a blog.  I think I’ve spent less time picking out my clothes.  Actually, I know I’ve spent less time doing that.  People at work will tell you so.  Anyway, last night I decided to personalize my blog some because that seemed like an efficient use of my time.  (By the way, do you like the new background?  That only took 2,394 hours for me to figure out how to do!) 

Here’s the thing, though.  I’m still technologically inept.  I didn’t grow up with computers, at least not like we have today.  When I was a kid, we had the Apple IIc and we were HAPPY, dangit.  We had floppy disks that stored like .000000001 bites of data each.  This computer came with unique games, like this one where you made tiny little apples fall into a bin.  ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEAT EXCITEMENT PEOPLE.  But still, we were satisfied, because what the heck did we know?

You’ll have your Apple and you’ll LIKE it!

If you’ll notice, WordPress, I have been nice in my post.  See, no dirty words yet!  I don’t care what Sunday School says, “dangit” doesn’t count!  Anyway, I am really hoping that someone knows how to do some of this stuff I’m trying to do because I have looked at your help site and it wasn’t much help.  For one thing, there’s a lot of reading there, and who has time for that crap?  (Crap is also okay, because that is a bodily function, am I right?)  I need some help here, so I’m just going to post my questions, because when you put questions like this into the search box, for some reason you don’t find answers.  Here we go.

1. How do you put a pic from your blog into the little box beside your name – the one that appears when you post comments? You know, the box thingie.  WordPress doesn’t recognize “box thingie” in its search feature.  Anyway, I know about gravatars, which frankly sounds like some sort of kidney disorder, but I can’t get it into the box.  If you scroll over the box, you see my pic, but then it just goes back to that lame G for gravatar.  Or worse, sparkles, and I don’t like sparkles, not after Twilight, you guyz.  So help me out here because I’m already at maximum level for frustration, and you don’t want to see Librarian Rage. 

Yeah, I tried that. THANKS.

2. My subtitle is white, and the background is white, so now you can’t see my fabulous subtitle (down the rabbit hole).  My millions of viewers are going to get eyeball strain.  How do I change the font type?  How do I change the color of the font?  How do I change the size of the font?  Or do you have to pay for that?  Cause if you do, that kind of sucks.

3. At one point, I swear there was this diagram thing where you could design where you wanted to put stuff on your blog.  Now I can’t find it.  I wanted to put a little note about the site where I found my original Alice in Wonderland pictures, because the originals are 1,000 times cooler than the Disney ones, no offense, Walt.  The site is called Lenny’s Alice in Wonderland site (btw he knows how to put the picture thingies by his name too!) But I can’t put a note on my blog about it, nor can I put up my own copyright notice.  Because I just KNOW there are people wanting to steal my stuff but it is mine so no you can’t you guyz!  Plagiarizing is not cool, unless you’re pretty sure you can get away with it and make millions of dollars.   Anyway, I need to know how to put that stuff on my blog.  I wish I could just write it on the screen.  That would be easier, but might affect the monitor’s performance.  I dunno.

4. You know how some people have the static page (not like static electricity.  A page that stays there.  I think.) that has links on it so you can easily hop to that post so you don’t have to read any of their other crap?  Saying they have crap you don’t want to read?  Yeah, how do you do that?  Because I’m willing to bet there are people who would prefer to skip a lot of my crap.  I want a page with links.  Like Speaker7 has on her page (although I like reading all of her crap) that lets you jump to whatever recrap you want.  Like the one where Hugo / Christian  puts playdough balls up Goofy / Ana’s “down there”.  If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, then you should go see Speaker 7 because I’m busy here, people.  Also, and this has nothing to do with WordPress, but you should know anyway because you want pics from us all the time, right?  How do you write on photos?  Like thought balloons making people say stupid stuff.  I need to know how to do this. 

Like this. The world needs to know what this stupid bird is thinking. Now.

5. Why do you call the posts you pick  “Freshly Pressed”?  That makes me think of mammograms.  Just wondering.

Okay, I think that’s all for now.  Thanks in advance.

Alice.

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4 responses

  1. Haha, I’ve also wasted countless hours obsessing over tiny details of my blog. If you ever find out the answer to question one, please pass it on, I’d also love to know!

    Not really able to help with your other queries, as I have a paid theme. You may be able to change your font colour/type through the dashboard > appearance > theme options > styles/typography… good luck! As a future regular reader of your site, I don’t want to get eyeball strain 😉

    1. You know what’s weird? For a few minutes there, my pic was in the box thingie. And then it went back to the G. Your pic is in the box by your comment now. I am so jealous. Thanks for the advice. I will try what you said. And thanks for reading!

      1. My picture is in the box thingie when i comment on OTHER people’s blogs… just not my own. Humph.

  2. What you can do depends a lot on which theme you have, even with the free ones. The easiest way to do anything in the sidebar (which I think is what you want to do as far as copyright) is to go to your Dashboard, then Appearance, then Widgets. You can move a lot of stuff around and add or remove it.

    As for the kidney disorder Gravatar thing, try visiting http://www.gravatar.com. There’s a good chance it will be every bit as useless, because WP has been acting up lately and they refuse to admit that the problem is on their end, but it’s worth having a go, because maybe it will be useful.

    Anyway, best of luck with it. And now I shall proceed to your Fifty Shades recaps, because Speaker7 says they’re awesome.

    P.S. I grew up with no computer, and when we learned on them in school the floppy disks actually were floppy. And now I have a lot of this technology stuff figured out enough to fool the general public. So what I’m saying is, don’t lose hope. If I can get here, so can you!

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