Today, reader, you are in for a treat. I managed to get an exclusive interview with the mysterious Leila. In case you’re just joining us, Leila is Christian’s ghostly looking ex sub that’s been causing a “situation” because she’s nuttier than a fruitcake and is out to get Christian and Ana, or just Ana or just Christian, we’re not sure. Either way, I think she is my hero and I wish her luck on her quest.
Alice: Leila, thank you for joining us today. First, why don’t you tell our readers a little more about yourself?
Leila: I am nobody.
Alice: Okay, then. How about you tell us about your relationship with Christian?
Leila: Whap. Bang. Boom. Ouch. Grunt. Smack. I love you. Good-Bye.
Alice: Yeah. Um, so I see you have a bandage on your wrist. What happened there?
Leila: I sliced open my wrist in front of Christian’s maid. Christian came home from Georgia to see me. Score.
Alice: That sounds . . . painful. I do hope he got you some help.
Leila: His maid took me to a hospital. I don’t like hospitals. White. After Labor Day. It’s so wrong. So wrong.
Alice: A hospital’s a good thing for you, I think. Wait, why aren’t you still in the hospital?
Leila: I checked myself out.
Alice: What? I mean, I don’t think patients put in a psych unit can do that sort of thing. I’m pretty sure your psychiatrist has to clear you.
Leila: Oh, he did. My shrink said I’m not truly at risk. Only a typical cry for help sort of thing.
Alice: What? You have a terrible shrink then.
Leila: Christian assigned him to me.
Alice: Explains a lot.
Leila: I think it was because I made a halfhazard cut on my wrist, you know? If it had been an exact cut on my wrist, that would have meant I was serious.
Alice: That . . . what?
Leila: Coo coo ca choo.
Alice: Next question. I heard you met Ana. What did you think of her?
Leila: What does she have that I don’t have?
Alice: Vaginal balls up her “down there” for one thing. Also a psychotic boyfriend.
Leila: Some girls have allll the luck.
Alice: Anyway, so what everyone is really wondering is – are you trying to kill Ana? Or Christian? Or both? And if so, is there any way we can help?
Leila: I’ve been following them. It’s pretty easy. They don’t know I’m there. I watched them through the window. They did strange things with vanilla ice cream.
Alice: I don’t think I want to know.
Leila: Do you like Britney Spears? I like Britney Spears. I see dead people.
Alice: Right, back to the interview. When do you plan on murdering them exactly? And with what? A bomb? M16? Poison? I’m just throwing out ideas here.
Leila: He bought her a car. I didn’t get a car. She didn’t want it. He put 24,000 dollars in her account. I got 25 bucks and some Trident gum. Why doesn’t she want the car?
Alice: Yeah, I don’t get it either. I’d take him for everything I could. Speaking of, back to that murder . . .
Leila: He took her to the beauty shop all us subs went to – where we were waxed and plucked and dunked in seaweed. She just wanted a haircut. He owns the salon with the lady who taught him all he knows about buttplugs.
Alice: Wait . . . he took Ana to the same beauty shop he took all his ex-subs to and that he co-owns with Mrs. Robinson, his former abuser? What a brilliant idea.
Leila: I have to go now.
Alice: Sure. You need to get on with your stalking.
Leila: Yes. Also Bachelor Pad is on.
Alice: Good luck, Leila. We’ll all be rooting for you.