50 Shades Dumber Interviews Leila

Today, reader, you are in for a treat.  I managed to get an exclusive interview with the mysterious Leila.  In case you’re just joining us, Leila is Christian’s ghostly looking ex sub that’s been causing a “situation” because she’s nuttier than a fruitcake and is out to get Christian and Ana, or just Ana or just Christian, we’re not sure.  Either way, I think she is my hero and I wish her luck on her quest. 

Leila

 

Alice: Leila, thank you for joining us today. First, why don’t you tell our readers a little more about yourself?

Leila: I am nobody.

Alice: Okay, then.  How about you tell us about your relationship with Christian?

Leila: Whap.  Bang.  Boom.  Ouch.  Grunt.  Smack.  I love you. Good-Bye.

Alice: Yeah.  Um, so I see you have a bandage on your wrist.  What happened there?

Leila: I sliced open my wrist in front of Christian’s maid.  Christian came home from Georgia to see me.  Score.

Alice: That sounds . . . painful.  I do hope he got you some help.

Leila:  His maid took me to a hospital.  I don’t like hospitals.  White.  After Labor Day.  It’s so wrong.  So wrong.

Alice: A hospital’s a good thing for you, I think.  Wait, why aren’t you still in the hospital?

Leila: I checked myself out.

Alice: What?  I mean, I don’t think patients put in a psych unit can do that sort of thing.  I’m pretty sure your psychiatrist has to clear you. 

Leila: Oh, he did.  My shrink said I’m not truly at risk. Only a typical cry for help sort of thing.

Alice: What?  You have a terrible shrink then. 

Leila: Christian assigned him to me.

Alice: Explains a lot.

Leila: I think it was because I made a halfhazard cut on my wrist, you know?  If it had been an exact cut on my wrist, that would have meant I was serious.

Leila’s prescription for mental illness

Alice: That . . . what?

Leila: Coo coo ca choo.

Alice: Next question.  I heard you met Ana.  What did you think of her?

Leila: What does she have that I don’t have?

Alice: Vaginal balls up her “down there” for one thing.  Also a psychotic boyfriend.

Leila: Some girls have allll the luck.

Alice: Anyway, so what everyone is really wondering is – are you trying to kill Ana?  Or Christian?  Or both?  And if so, is there any way we can help?

Leila: I’ve been following them.  It’s pretty easy.  They don’t know I’m there.  I watched them through the window.  They did strange things with vanilla ice cream.

Warning:
Do not insert into your “down there”

Alice: I don’t think I want to know.

Leila: Do you like Britney Spears?  I like Britney Spears.  I see dead people.

Alice: Right, back to the interview.  When do you plan on murdering them exactly?  And with what?  A bomb?  M16?  Poison?  I’m just throwing out ideas here.

Leila: He bought her a car.  I didn’t get a car.  She didn’t want it.  He put 24,000 dollars in her account.  I got 25 bucks and some Trident gum.  Why doesn’t she want the car?

Alice: Yeah, I don’t get it either. I’d take him for everything I could.  Speaking of, back to that murder . . .

Leila: He took her to the beauty shop all us subs went to – where we were waxed and plucked and dunked in seaweed.  She just wanted a haircut. He owns the salon with the lady who taught him all he knows about buttplugs.

Alice: Wait . . . he took Ana to the same beauty shop he took all his ex-subs to and that he co-owns with Mrs. Robinson, his former abuser?  What a brilliant idea.

Leila: I have to go now.

Alice: Sure.  You need to get on with your stalking.

Leila: Yes.  Also Bachelor Pad is on. 

Alice: Good luck, Leila.  We’ll all be rooting for you.

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7 responses

  1. Ah Leila, I only wish you were successful in your quest to murder. *sigh*

    And Alice, I thank you for not going into great detail over the ice cream in the vag. I don’t think I could live through that again.

    1. You’re very welcome. There are some things that should not be done with ice cream.

  2. Poor Leila. She’s the only one responding appropriately to the absolutely ridiculous craziness around her and she’s the one that end up in the psych ward.

  3. Ice cream? Frozen yogurt would be a much healthier option. Hope she got a yeast infection.
    Is gross fringey sex the big draw? I do. not. get. it.

    1. Me neither. She’s always having issues with her “down there” so she probably did get one. We can hope.

  4. […] if you recall was one of my favorite characters in the last book.  You don’t?  Well go back and read.  I’ll […]

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