I have to say I was sad to see Leila go. She is my favorite character so far. Actually she is the only character I’ve liked so far, so I suppose she’s still the favorite. I tried to track down Christian’s shrink for this interview, but he was busy getting ready to go to some ball with Christian, which seems a little odd, but whatevs. Instead I found Franco, his personal hairstylist, because let’s face it, we tell at least as much to our hairstylists as we do to our shrinks, right? Saying you have a shrink. If you’re reading this book, you should really consider it. Anyway, here we go.
Alice: Hi, Franco. Nice to meet you. Also, thanks for cutting my hair during this interview. My hair is a bit of a mess.
Franco: Your hair looks like Cookie Monster after a bad trip. I guess you want to know about Christian?
Alice: I want to know more about you too. For one thing, you don’t sound like a European gay caricature.
Franco: No one does. But Christian likes to keep up the appearance of being multicultural around here, so he hired me. That way he could fill the quota of gay and foreign at the same time. There is also one black employee. They play golf. Well, actually, he lets the employee carry his clubs and bring him water. But they do go to the golf course together.
Alice: Yeah. So do you think Christian is as big a dickweed as we do?
Franco: Oh, definitely. That’s why I always leave his hair like that. He thinks it is the new tousled look, when really it’s just me chopping random bits here and there and making it stick out so he looks like a tool.
Alice: Nice. I hear you also got to cut Ana’s hair. What do you think of her?
Franco: I believe the American phrase is “crazy skank ho”, right?
Alice: That works. So what’s the latest scoop on their story?
Franco: Well, see, there is this ex sub of his who has been stalking them both.
Alice: I know. I interviewed her.
Franco: Isn’t she a doll? I LOVE her.
Alice: Me too! So what is Leila up to these days?
Franco: According to Christian, she is still tracking them. He is always talking on his phone to his security people. Leila has had at least twenty chances to shoot them down by now while he just stood out in the open. I have got to have a talk with that girl.
Alice: No kidding. So what else?
Franco: Well, he picked Ana up and threw her over his shoulder . . .
Alice: Out in public?
Alice: And no one noticed this?
Franco. He also spanked her. Anyway, he was really upset because now Leila has a concealed weapons permit.
Alice: That’s great. Way to go, Leila.
Franco: Ana realized that she could buy a gun then.
Alice: She is a real woman of genius.
Franco: He ordered me to come to his place and cut Ana’s hair, because Ana didn’t want her hair cut by Mrs. Robinson the child rapist. Also, he wants to protect her, so he forced her to come to his place against her will. Ana is very upset about this Mrs. Robinson and her relationship with Christian.
Alice: There is a crazy ex sub that’s armed and stalking her and her boyfriend. And she’s concerned about Mrs. Robinson.
Franco: Well, one of her voices might have thought of Leila. Anyway, I cut her hair while she went on and on about how thin she was and how this was a problem to be white and pretty and thin and I thought hey, I have these sharp scissors here, but then I decided that she wasn’t worth prison and turned her over to Christian who will probably kill her for me.
Alice: Damn. So then what?
Franco: She says I said “Bellissima, Ana” and kissed her on both cheeks, but I did not. The girl is crazy. Later he told me that she got upset about the files he keeps on all his ex subs, including her. He has access to their bank accounts, social security numbers, blood types, etc.
Alice: So the typical normal boyfriend stuff.
Franco: She cooked for him. And got very excited that he had peas. Who gets excited to find peas in the freezer?
Alice: I really don’t know.
Franco: Oh, and Ana looked up Multiple Personality Disorder, because she thinks that is Christian’s problem.
Alice: That’s pretty funny, since she’s the one with the multiple personalities, all of which are boring and stupid; and he’s just a run-of-the-mill psychopath.
Franco: Tell me about it! I have to bite my lip all the time, but at least he doesn’t think it is sexy on me. So then he had her draw on him with Taylor’s lipstick.
Alice: Taylor has lipstick? And she drew on him with it?
Franco: She used it to draw a map to tell where he could be touched.
Alice: I would have covered myself in the lipstick, in that case.
Franco: And then they started having sex. Again.
Alice: Talk about a cliffhanger. Hey, my hair looks really nice. Thanks.
Franco: I did what I could. Maybe you should invest in wigs. I have to get ready for my next client. Time to “fix” Christian’s hair again.
Alice: Good luck with that. Be sure and nick his ear for the rest of us.