If you’ve been keeping up with us, you know we’re on chapter 8 of Ana Bobana’s memoirs. Christian and Ana are being stalked (how does it feel now, guys? Sexy, isn’t it?) by Leila, Christian’s ex sub who is more of a fruit loop than Ana. Since Christian is so very intelligent, he has gotten together an awesome security team. I call them Christian’s Angels, even though they are technically Farah Faucette-less. This team consists of Taylor (because he has nothing else to do what with already acting as his personal butler, driver, and underwear buyer), Sawyer, and I swear I am not making this shit up, Ryan and Reynolds.
Really E.L.? I see what you did there.
Since I’m so excited about this Leila case, I thought I would step in and interview the guys while they were all on a donut break.
Alice: Thanks for taking the time to talk with me.
Taylor: Thanks for the donuts.
Alice: Shouldn’t, um, one of you be keeping an eye out for Leila?
Taylor: Pfft, I tried, but Christian knows better. First he insisted on going in the apartment himself, even though the team was there. Then he said I was overreacting.
Alice: But I thought he hired you because this was such a scary, dangerous situation.
Taylor: He’s a dumbass. But far be it for me to question his orders.
Alice: It’s nice to see that he didn’t get too mad at you for the last interview.
Taylor: He just put me in the box this time.
Alice: The box?
Ryan: He doesn’t like to –
Reynolds: – talk about it.
Alice: You finished what Ryan said, Reynolds.
Ryan: Sometimes it’s like we’re the same person.
Alice: So what’s been happening with Leila?
Sawyer: Well, turns out she was still in the apartment, but we missed her, because Christian searched and didn’t find her. He forgot he had a library and some other rooms in the apartment. It’s such a big apartment, you know.
Alice: Right. Hey, weren’t you on Lost?
Sawyer: Yeah. This is part of the whole Purgatory thing.
Alice: Right. So . . .
Leila: Hi Alice. Hi Taylor.
Taylor: Hey, Leila, how’s it going? I noticed that nice paint job you gave Ana’s car.
Leila: Thanks. I also painted the Mona Lisa. And I’m a trained ninja. And I speak fluent Klingon.
Alice: Um, guys –
Taylor: Well, you know your way around.
Leila: Thanks! Buh-bye!
Alice: Guys. You just let Leila walk in the door.
Ryan: So? What’s –
Reynolds: -the problem?
Alice: Aren’t you supposed to be trying to stop her?
Sawyer: Do you really want us to?
Alice: Well, no. But it is sort of your job.
Taylor: No worries. You see Leila was here yesterday, and she stood at the end of Ana’s bed and made spooky howly noises until she woke up. But Ana figured it was just her imagination, and went to go sex up Christian. Again.
Alice: So Leila was right there and she didn’t shoot Ana?
Taylor: I know, right? She said it’s more fun to screw with them. So, when Christian and Ana went back to the bedroom they saw that Leila had left the balcony door open.
Alice: She jumped off the balcony?
Sawyer: Ninja, remember? Christian only takes on talented girls as his subs. Or at least those who say they’re talented. You know, I think she might not be a ninja . . .
Alice: Nevermind. What happened then?
Taylor: Christian got all panicky and called us up and hissed into my phone. He made Ana wear his sweatpants because they were in a hurry, but then asked me to get Ana’s shoes. Idiot. I packed her a suitcase. Then Christian ordered me to find them a hotel. And to find Leila who was still in the house.
Alice: I thought she jumped off the balcony?
Sawyer: I guess not.
Alice: Then why did she open the door to the balcony?
Taylor: Hey, we don’t write this stuff.
Alice: So then what happened?
Taylor: I got them the room at the hotel, though I’m surprised they made it there. Ana kept nagging at him about Mrs. Robinson and their relationship and did he like her like she liked him. I was tempted to “accidentally” shoot her myself.
Alice: I don’t blame you. But there’s one thing I’m not getting. Why didn’t Christian just call the police?
Ryan: Because Leila’s mentally ill and –
Reynolds: Christian can handle her better.
Alice: Stop that, you two. It’s annoying. But seriously? This just . . . anyway, so they got in the car and decided to run? This was the best choice of action?
Taylor: He thought so. Oh, phone call from Turdface. Hold on. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah sure.
Alice: What did he say?
Taylor: He was really freaked for a minute.
Alice: Why? Leila’s right here.
Taylor: Because the gynecologist he had sent to the hotel thought Ana might be pregnant. Turns out, false alarm.
Alice: Just – what? He called a gynecologist to their hotel room?
Taylor: Christian decided Ana should be on the shot since she’s too stupid to take a pill.
Alice: She wasn’t even on the pill for that long and they are always opening those damn foil packets anyway so that makes no sense and hey – they are running for their lives and he’s concerned about her birth control?
Taylor: Yeah, priorities. But he feels better because Ana isn’t knocked up and so he loves her.
Leila: Hi again. They’re not here, but I hid a bunch of rotten eggs stuffed in buttplugs all over the apartment. It will take them a while to find them.
Alice: They’re at a hotel, Leila. Which one again?
Taylor: Fairmont Olympic. If you get lost, just call your gynecologist.
Leila: Thanks! Bye!
Alice: Bye and for the love of God, good luck.