Okay, chapter nine of Ana’s memoirs was a little different. There is a short scene where Ana dries Christian’s back, and he has to face his fear of the touchies. It’s actually not completely vomitrociously terrible! For a few paragraphs, there was such bliss.
But then it went back to normal and got horrible again. Who the hell am I going to interview for this crap this time?
Alice: Oh. Hello again, Ana. Is it Ana this time? Or inner goddess? Please say it’s not inner goddess.
Subconscious: No, no, it’s me. Subconscious. I gagged inner goddess with a pom pom.
Alice: Lovely. I thought I would point out that there’s no way Ana would know you were around since your subconscious exists below consciousness. That’s kind of the whole definition of subconscious.
Subconscious: I am going to tap my foot and wave my finger at you.
Alice: Whatever. Okay, so what’s been happening with Christian and Ana? Any more Leila with a gun?
Subconscious: No. This is all about the love between Christian and Ana. He told her he loves her! I stood in stunned silence.
Alice: Me too. But I spend most of the book like this.
Subconscious: They had a shower, and Ana dried Christian off. I nodded with approval, for she is the puppet master.
Alice: Um, yeah, I think she’s actually the puppet. He controls her and enjoys putting his hand up her hoo-ha.
Subconscious: They made love but for some weird reason she didn’t explain every detail and she asked about his real father but he said it wasn’t crack whore mom’s pimp. And then Christian had a surprise for her!
Alice: A brand new buttplug?
Subconscious: No. He decided to take her on his boat. He owns a boat. It’s really big and expensive and he owns it.
Alice: I’m so impressed. So what happened on the boat?
Subconscious: Well, first they had to get to the boat. They took a quick detour so Christian could buy her a car.
Alice: Of course. Logical thing to do on a date.
Subconscious: I was mortified at the whole car buying business! She wanted a convertible, of all things, and I tried to say something but that inner goddess bitch tackled me to the floor!
Alice: I . . . yeah, I got nothing.
Subconscious: So they bought the car, but then Christian had to have Ana eat. And she wondered if this would ever get old.
Alice: It has.
Subconscious: Christian talked all about how perfect and wonderful and successful he was and then they got to the boat!
Subconscious: We met a handsome man named Mac who I guess works on the boat. I’m not sure. He wore a pink polo shirt. Then Christian gave Ana a tour of the boat, which is really big, and expensive, and big. And he showed her the bedroom and said it was the first time he’d ever taken a girl in there!
Alice: Why do I think it’s not the first time he’s had Mac in that room?
Subconscious: They decided to christen the bed later.
Alice: Can’t wait.
Subconscious: Christian got off on strapping Ana into a life jacket and she called him “my pervert” and he said “yes, yours.”
Alice: Is that her new pet name for him? It’s not bad.
Subconscious: They joked about rope tricks, and I glared at her. That is so improper.
Alice: Must be fun being in her head, then.
Subconscious: No. It is not. Especially not sharing space with that inner goddess! Pardon me. Next he had Ana pilot the boat, almost like that scene in Titanic.
Alice: Did they hit an iceberg?
Subconscious: No. She had a fabulous time, but I kept her in line. I told her she was a lucky bitch, but that soon enough he wasn’t going to want this vanilla sex stuff and she’d have to compromise by getting beaten up again.
Subconscious: Next they had sex. And it went on. And on. And on. That stupid twit inner goddess cheered and spelled S-E-X with letters. I read an entire issue of Ladies Home Journal. I know how to make popcorn balls now.
Alice: Well, that was illuminating. Thank you, subconscious. Keep up with the slut shaming and all that.
Subconscious: Will do. Excuse me. Inner goddess spat out the pom pom.
Alice: Please tell me that’s the last voice. Please.