I just finished chapter 10 of Ana’s memoirs and I can safely report that nothing happened. When I say nothing, I mean nothing, absolutely fucking NOTHING.
Now who am I going to ask about nothing this time?
Christian: I will allow you to interview me, Miss Alice
Alice: I already did. Under duress.
Christian: Oh, but that was the old Christian you interviewed.
Alice: Christ. Please say you don’t have voices in your head now.
Christian: That’s Christ-ian. And no, I am new and improved, saved by the power of Ana’s vagin – er love.
Alice: Uh huh.
Christian: One moment, I’m getting a call. Great news . . . a poodle . . . swallowed the entire thing . . . how is that possible . . . I see . . . yes, tonight.
Alice: You realize that’s an Elmo phone, right?
Christian: This is the latest and most stylish phone on the market.
Alice: It’s a kid toy. See, I push a button and it says “Elmo is hungry!”
Christian: Nevermind that. As I was saying, I am a changed man. Now I make love to Ana, and don’t even smack her around while I’m doing it.
Alice: You’re a real prince.
Christian: Actually, I am, on my mother’s side. Did you know Taylor’s first name is Jason? I didn’t either until this chapter.
Alice: I honestly didn’t care.
Christian: Ana asked why I have no friends.
Alice: Because you’re a total jackass and people hate you?
Christian: You are making my hands twitch.
Alice: I have a real phone. It dials 9-1-1, see?
Christian: Very well. Ana and I went to dinner.
Alice: God this is fascinating.
Christian: She was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to relax without beating her up. And when I said I didn’t want to take her to my playroom she told me inner goddess stomped off pouting like an angry toddler.
Alice: I . . . what?
Leila: Oh, hi Alice. Hello, Christian.
Christian: Hello Le . . . hey, wait a minute, where’s my security team?
Leila: Eating donuts. Did you see my gun? It goes boom boom when I pull the trigger. Liiiike this . . .
Christian: Quick, Alice, get in front of me! I’m too important to die!
Alice: She’s holding a water gun.
Leila: Gotcha! Good job putting guards on the emergency stairwell, there. And changing the locks. Now I have to go make another key off this one I stole out of your jewelry box. Pooh. Buh-bye now.
Alice: Wait – you didn’t think to change the locks until now? Or guard the emergency stairwell?
Christian: That Leila is too damned sneaky!
Alice: Or your security team hates you.
Christian: Whew. Well, I told Ana she couldn’t go to work because it’s just too dangerous and then she got madfaced.
Alice: So it’s too dangerous for her to go to work, but not to go out to dinner, go car shopping, and go sailing.
Christian: I was there to protect her then. And my crack security team.
Alice: That’s reassuring.
Christian: I gave Ana a tour of the apartment.
Alice: She hasn’t seen the whole apartment by now? Oh, yeah, all you guys do is have sex, I forgot.
Christian: It’s making love now, Alice.
Alice: I may be ill.
Christian: We played pool in the library. And I stuck my cue in Ana’s inner pocket.
Alice: Hey, who’s that over there with the gun? Is that Leila?
Alice: And there he goes again. Go, Leila, go.