50 Shades Dumber Interviews The New and Improved Christian

I just finished chapter 10 of Ana’s memoirs and I can safely report that nothing happened.  When I say nothing, I mean nothing, absolutely fucking NOTHING. 

Now who am I going to ask about nothing this time?

Christian:
New and Improved!

Christian: I will allow you to interview me, Miss Alice

Alice: I already did.  Under duress.

Christian: Oh, but that was the old Christian you interviewed. 

Alice: Christ.  Please say you don’t have voices in your head now.

Christian: That’s Christ-ian.  And no, I am new and improved, saved by the power of Ana’s vagin – er love.

Alice: Uh huh. 

Christian: One moment, I’m getting a call.  Great news . . . a poodle . . . swallowed the entire thing . . . how is that possible . . . I see . . . yes, tonight.

Alice: You realize that’s an Elmo phone, right? 

Christian: This is the latest and most stylish phone on the market.

Alice: It’s a kid toy.  See, I push a button and it says “Elmo is hungry!”

Elmo says Christian is a TOOL!

Christian: Nevermind that.  As I was saying, I am a changed man.  Now I make love to Ana, and don’t even smack her around while I’m doing it. 

Alice: You’re a real prince.

Christian: Actually, I am, on my mother’s side.  Did you know Taylor’s first name is Jason?  I didn’t either until this chapter.

Prince Christian

Alice: I honestly didn’t care.

Christian: Ana asked why I have no friends.

Alice: Because you’re a total jackass and people hate you?

Christian: You are making my hands twitch.

Alice: I have a real phone.  It dials 9-1-1, see?

Christian: Very well.  Ana and I went to dinner.

Alice: God this is fascinating.

Christian: She was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to relax without beating her up.  And when I said I didn’t want to take her to my playroom she told me inner goddess stomped off pouting like an angry toddler.

Alice:  I . . . what?

Leila: Oh, hi Alice.  Hello, Christian.

Come on, Leila, you can do it!

Christian: Hello Le . . . hey, wait a minute, where’s my security team?

Leila: Eating donuts.  Did you see my gun?  It goes boom boom when I pull the trigger.  Liiiike this . . .

Christian: Quick, Alice, get in front of me!  I’m too important to die!

Alice: She’s holding a water gun. 

Leila: Gotcha!  Good job putting guards on the emergency stairwell, there.  And changing the locks.  Now I have to go make another key off this one I stole out of your jewelry box.  Pooh. Buh-bye now. 

Alice: Wait – you didn’t think to change the locks until now?  Or guard the emergency stairwell? 

Christian: That Leila is too damned sneaky! 

Alice: Or your security team hates you.

Christian: Whew.  Well, I told Ana she couldn’t go to work because it’s just too dangerous and then she got madfaced.

Alice: So it’s too dangerous for her to go to work, but not to go out to dinner, go car shopping, and go sailing. 

Christian: I was there to protect her then.  And my crack security team.

Alice: That’s reassuring.

Christian: I gave Ana a tour of the apartment.

Alice: She hasn’t seen the whole apartment by now?  Oh, yeah, all you guys do is have sex, I forgot.

Christian: It’s making love now, Alice.

Alice: I may be ill.

Christian: We played pool in the library.  And I stuck my cue in Ana’s inner pocket.

I bet they played with vaginal balls

Alice: Hey, who’s that over there with the gun?  Is that Leila?

Christian: Aieeeeeeaaahhh!

Alice: And there he goes again.  Go, Leila, go.

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13 responses

  1. Is it possible that new and improved Christian is worse than old palm-twitching Christian?

    1. Either way he makes me want to lose my lunch.

  2. The Elmo phone made me snort.

    1. He’s always shouting random stuff into his phone to sound businessy. I figured Elmo was perfect.

  3. haha I;ve just realised I have the second one and he’s already decided all this (yes I had a look at it to see what all the fuss was about) dear god he’s a nutter….and she’s not much better to put up with him!

    1. They are both horrible, horrible people. And nutters, yes.

  4. That phone is awesome.
    Just. Awesome.
    I actually know someone whose name is Elmo :).

    1. Thanks. I feel for the person named Elmo. A friend has a father named Grover, and when she was five she told her class that her father was the actual muppet from Sesame Street.

  5. Go, Leila, Go! <—— New words to keep me the opposite of sadfaced.

    1. It makes me happy to make you nonsadfaced!

  6. Loved the Elmo phone.

    It’s funny that James waited so long to tell you Taylor’s first name was Jason. After all, she gives so many useless details about everything else . . .

    1. Yeah, I know. Like that they are wearing Converse shoes. WTF, did she get a deal from certain companies? Arghh.

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