You Might Be a Parent If . . .

Remember Jeff Foxworthy’s “You Might Be a Redneck . . .” bit?  I do, because thanks to my husband, our family qualifies for quite a few of those.  Anyway, I was thinking that the same thing could be applied to parents.  Hence my blog post for today.  If any of you have something to add, please do so in the comments!

You might be a parent if . . .

You have thousands of markers in your house, and every one is missing a lid.

Someone will pay for this.

You have the theme to Dora the Explorer on repeat in your head.

You aren’t sure who is on the Supreme Court, but can name every one of the seven dwarves. 

In a sleep deprived daze you have lost your car keys, purse, phone, diaper bag, glasses, lunch, child, and your sanity. 

You get so tired of reading the same children’s book that you start making up your own words to the story that might possibly involve stuffed animals going on a rampage.

If a genie asked if you wanted fame, wealth, or eternal life, you would choose sleep.

Style by toddler

One time while dropping off your kindergartener, your two year old runs into the room with her, and you are in such a hurry to get to work you completely forget about the toddler until you are out of the school building and in your car and you see that hey, the car seat is empty and OMG I forgot my kid!  This is purely theoretical.

One of your children hangs his sibling from a basketball goal.

Not poisonous. Who knew?

Your child has eaten any of the following: dirt, super glue, marbles, paper, dog food, shoes, or that mysterious green goo in the baby food jar labeled Spinach.  Bonus points if your child has done all of these.

You’ve played hide and go seek with a child and repeatedly forgotten to seek.

If you’ve called Poison Control at least once.

Teachers and principals at school know your name well, and it’s not for a good reason.

Child was heard screaming down the hallway MIGHT have been indicated on one of these dentention slips.

Nothing grosses you out anymore.

You wake up to someone screaming “Mr. Flibble, No!!!!!” and don’t think this is odd.

When you need to sign something, the only thing you can find to write with is a broken green crayon.

Wonder if I can sign a check with this?

You freely talk about the bowel habits of your child at the dinner table.

You get to work and two hours later discover your shirt has baby boogers on it.

You make your dinner off the leftovers on two small plates.

You have experienced projectile vomiting, projectile pooping, and projectiles aimed at your head.

The stuffed animals are plotting against you.

You allow your kid to pull every book from the book shelf because hey, he’s occupied.

You could swear your child didn’t have that many stuffed animals the night before.

Any one of the following is on your floor right now: naked Barbies, glitter glue, homework due last week, a My Little Pony with its mane cut off, a diaper in any state, a baby sock (and your child is ten), a sippy cup with week old apple juice making it smell like you give your toddler Bud Light, a Barney VHS tape, a library book with your child’s autograph in crayon, a pile of laundry that’s been there a month, Legos, one of your diamond stud earrings, a hamster, the contents of your purse, a half eaten Uncrustable, cherries from that Hi Ho Cherry-O game, your car keys, dried out markers, dirt, super glue with a bite mark in the middle of it, a trail of dog food, a shoe, or any UFOs (Unidentified Funky Objects).

And finally . . .

You might be a parent if a child’s face lights up when you enter the room, and you think maybe Santa is behind you, but no, it’s just you.

15 responses

  1. Alice,
    You’ve changed your WordPress template, didn’t you? And. You might be a parent if you’re reading this with sleep in your eyes and think it’s Monday. Or just drunk.
    Le Clown

    1. You noticed! I thought maybe this template was more readable. Or something. I woke up and thought it was Friday, even worse. Sadface. Pretty sure I’m not drunk – I think I’d be happier.

  2. God I can so identify with so many of these, especially the wishing for sleep.

    1. Why didn’t we appreciate naps when we were kids? What were we THINKING?

  3. Reblogged this on Stork Hunting and commented:
    The baby making quest is overwhelming physically and emotionally and travelling on this journey towards creating Baby No. 2 means that sometimes Child No. 1 may get a little neglected. It’s only when you realise that you may have forgotten to feed Child No. 1 because you were too busy clutching your stomach willing a baby to magically pop in there, that you realise that perhaps, just perhaps you may be a little too obsessed with the whole baby-making thing. Oh and the subsequent guilt-trip that follows is as awesome side effect.
    It seems serendipitous that my new favourite blogger aliceatwonderland (you should totally check out her blog, it’s awesome) posted this little gem today and I thought it too good not to reblog. Alice – they do say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery (unless you are Stephenie Meyer – she probably wants to kill E L James right about now .. but that’s the subject of a whole different post).
    Oh and to make this slightly less of a rip-off post I’ll add my “you constantly feel guilty that you might be breaking some unbreakable parenting rule” to the “You might be a parent if…” list.

    1. Your new favourite blogger? Thanks! This makes what I thought was Friday into at least a very nice Thursday. I appreciate the reblog. 😀

  4. You might be a parent if- your child has ever decorated tampons to use as puppets without your knowledge and then shows said puppets to company over for the first time…

    1. Hahaha! I was trying to remember what she did with the tampons. Puppets, of course!

  5. I love eating my kid’s leftovers as dinner! What other excuse do I have to eat chicken nuggets as often as possible?

    1. Not to mention mac n cheese!

  6. What about coloring on the walls? Or having stickers all over *everything*. My sister did that as a child, ha. I got so annoyed because she put all her stickers in my books and colored in them as well.

    1. OMG, yes. My youngest has stickers all over everything right this minute. When my eldest was small she hated all stickers, bandaids, etc due to sensitivity issues – we had to avoid that greeter guy at Wal Mart with the smiley face stickers.

      My elder brother once put all my stickers into a sticker book for me so that I wouldn’t screw it up. I should do a sibling post too, lol.

  7. If people comment you have your hands full even when your hands are free, you might be a parent.

  8. Yup, I just confessed to my teenage daughter the real reason I used to love to be “it” during hide and seek. She was horrified, but actually understood how I could use that game as a chance to do some reading.

    1. Another favorite game I had was Sleeping Beauty, but they never let me be the princess.

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