Welcome back! It’s time for this past week’s horoscope, today. Because the future can’t be rushed once it’s in the past.
Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19
Expect successful business dealings this week, but remember compromise comes at a price. It will be a while before Satan collects, though, so have fun!
Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20
Good thing you’re patient, cause you’re going to be waiting on that promotion for a loooong time.
Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20
You are getting a bad reputation lately. Do you know where your evil twin is?
Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22
Your week will be full of suck. Why did you get out of bed?
Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22
The position of the Enterprise in the Delta Quadrant indicates that you will get seriously lost. Try not to lead any friends along with you or they will hate you. What am I saying? They already hate you.
Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22
The moon tells me you don’t deserve to be called a Virgo, you Jezebel. Yes, we all know about that.
Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22
The position of Batman in the Fifth Movie indicates you will wear your underwear outside your pants, don a cape, and attempt to fly around your office. There may be a new job in your future.
Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21
Avoid spiders. Especially radioactive ones.
Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21
When the reality show Storage Wars crosses with Bachelor Pad, you will find the contestants on Bachelor Pad stored away in vaults. A new viewing pleasure is on your horizon.
Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19
All signs indicate that after November’s election, you should move to Canada.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18
Due to the lack of water on Mars, you will hold onto all of yours until you bloat up like a float in a Macy’s Day Parade.
Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20
It’s time to sink or swim, Pisces! With that giant anvil tied around your ankle, it’s looking like sink. Bummer.