Welcome back! It’s time for this past week’s horoscope, today. Because the future can’t be rushed once it’s in the past.
Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19
Expect successful business dealings this week, but remember compromise comes at a price. It will be a while before Satan collects, though, so have fun!
No, really dude, trust me on this one.
Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20
Good thing you’re patient, cause you’re going to be waiting on that promotion for a loooong time.
Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20
You are getting a bad reputation lately. Do you know where your evil twin is?
Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22
Your week will be full of suck. Why did you get out of bed?
Didn’t we pass that moon five minutes ago?
Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22
The position of the Enterprise in the Delta Quadrant indicates that you will get seriously lost. Try not to lead any friends along with you or they will hate you. What am I saying? They already hate you.
Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22
The moon tells me you don’t deserve to be called a Virgo, you Jezebel. Yes, we all know about that.
Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22
The position of Batman in the Fifth Movie indicates you will wear your underwear outside your pants, don a cape, and attempt to fly around your office. There may be a new job in your future.
Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21
Avoid spiders. Especially radioactive ones.
No touchy glowing spiders
Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21
When the reality show Storage Wars crosses with Bachelor Pad, you will find the contestants on Bachelor Pad stored away in vaults. A new viewing pleasure is on your horizon.
Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19
All signs indicate that after November’s election, you should move to Canada.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18
Due to the lack of water on Mars, you will hold onto all of yours until you bloat up like a float in a Macy’s Day Parade.
Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20
It’s time to sink or swim, Pisces! With that giant anvil tied around your ankle, it’s looking like sink. Bummer.
aliceatwonderland 
I wish there had been a warning about the spider pic – eek. I am an honorary Scorpio this week. I always avoid spiders – radioactive or otherwise. As for being an Aquarius – Mars doesn’t have any water because I’m retaining all of it. Oceans will be saltier this week too
Warning: There may be spiders in the Scorpio post. I will post that on next week’s horoscope – the best warnings come a week later.
I know what you mean about the water thing. Bloating is fun. Of course I’m Cancer, so “suck week” was also fairly accurate! But things are looking up. 😀
Crap. I just received a box of radioactive spiders in the mail. I hate returning things because it requires so much effort.
Yeah, Amazon was a real bitch when I tried to return that Kryptonite last week.
Darn that evil twin! She’s always up to no good!
On the plus side, if anything bad happened, you can always blame it on her. Gosh, I don’t remember running screaming from my office yesterday. Must have been evil twin!
Still dogging on the Pisces I see. 🙂
Hey, I just report the visions here.
Watching The Bachelor used to be my dirty secret circa 2003 to 2008. I don’t have cable TV but caught Storage Wars in a condo while vacationing with my husband. Needless to say, our vacation was spent inside the condo. The stars definitely aligned for me.
Awesome. My husband loves storage wars. He likes any show about people having lots of useless junk. Gives him more role models.
I loved the dramatic music and pausing and facial expressions during the dramatic music and pausing that all seems to indicate a lot of intense bargaining tension.
What will they find in the next storage container? Oooh. I think it’d be awesome if they opened one up and some giant bear hopped out and ate them.
I’d love it if they just found a massive collection of beanie babies. Or Precious Moments figurines.
That would be more horrifying than the bear.
Does this mean that I’ll get a new job as Batwoman? Because that would be fantastic. Or am I heading for a career in an amusement park? You know, those people who wear costumes and pretend they’re the real so-and-so.
Did you know Batwoman’s secret identity is librarian? Because I could totally be the Batwoman too. That sounds better than the amusement park idea – unless you get to wear the costumes out of the park and to grocery stores and stuff. That would rock.
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