50 Shades Dumber Interviews Jack Hyde

Today we’re interviewing a brand new character, Jack Hyde, who, and this is just a guess, is set to be a bad guy in this book.  Which means we’ll probably be rooting for him as well.  God knows Leila needs the help.

Jack Hyde
This is from a real movie poster, guys!

Alice: Mr. Hyde, so nice to meet you.

Jack: Please, call me Jack. 

Alice: Okay, Jack, you have a rather interesting name.  Care to tell us about it?

Jack: Well my full name is Jack the Ripper Mr. Hyde Evil Bastard Boss.  But really, Jack is much easier.

Alice: Okay, then.  So Ana Steele recently came to work for you, right?

Jack: Yes.  She was extremely qualified.

Alice: How so?

Jack: She’s hot and stupid.  Also, she fetches coffee.  What more could you ask for in an editor’s assistant?

Alice: Some editors might want someone who could, I don’t know, edit?

Ana
is a serious business lady

Jack: Pfft.  The girl fetches really well.  I can tell she’s been trained.

Alice: Yes, by her boyfriend, Christian Grey.

Jack: Ugh, that guy!  What does she see in him?

Alice: He ties her up and flogs her and shoves stuff up her hoo-ha.

Jack: I could do that.  This Christian Grey is a real jerk.  He’s always emailing Ana.  It’s annoying.  She can’t finish the coloring sheets I give her, and sometimes she’s late with the coffee.  Also, she has not responded to my romantic gestures.

Alice: Isn’t it inappropriate for a boss to hit on his employee?

Jack: Hey, I didn’t hire her for her brains. 

Alice: Right.  So they’ve been emailing each other?  That’s a real shock.

Jack: Yes.  “Will you move in with me?  Can we talk tonight?  Can we talk this evening?  Can I go to this conference with Jack?  No, he’s a sleazeball, unlike me. Blah blah.”  And more talk about knickers.  What the hell are knickers, and how do you twist them?

Alice: It’s a Britishism for underwear.

Jack: But she’s not British.

Alice: Don’t even get me started.  So did you stop the emails?

Jack: Nah, I just print them out and read them alone in my office. 

Alice: Okay.

Jack: So she gabbed to Christian on the phone, and she emailed him some more, and she painted her nails, and she huffed the paint because it smells like grape, and I sent her to get my lunch.  This made Mr. Hotshot mad.

Alice: And why was that?

Jack: Some psycho chick named Leila is stalking them or something.  I don’t know.  But he shouldn’t keep her from doing her job.

Alice: Which is fetching you coffee and sandwiches?  Is your office located in the 1950s?

Ana and Jack

Jack: She likes fetching coffee for me.  You just ring this little bell and off she goes!

Alice: Mmmkay.

Jack: I wanted her to go to this conference so we could network.  You know what I mean?  Network?  Get it?

Alice: Unfortunately.  I’m sure Christian wasn’t happy about that.

Jack: No. And somehow I was blocked from being able to schedule her flight.  But no matter, I just gave her extra coloring pages and one of those seek and finds, which kept her working late with me.  Then I got super close to her and acted like a creeper.  She wasn’t impressed.

Alice: Weird.  It works for Christian.

Ana’s workload is challenging

Jack: I know!  So I asked her out, and asked her inappropriate questions, and she got all braggy about her boyfriend, and she left.  Nevermind that she spent most of the workday arguing with him and being furious about him controlling her, when she could have me controlling her.  I have a leash and everything.  I’m not sure if her hot ass is worth it.

Alice: I’m certain it isn’t.  So did she stay mad at Christian?

Jack: No.  They had sex in the elevator and she forgot about it.  And then some Mrs. Robinson showed up.

Alice: How do you know all this?

Jack: Well it’s not because I put a camera in her purse.

Alice: I just . . . well.  Since Ana’s clearly not interested, are you going to back off?

Jack: Back off?  No way.  I will have Ana, and I will make Christian Grey pay!  Bwahahahahahahahahaha.

Alice: You just turned green and hunchbacked for a second there.

Jack: Uh, sorry.  As I was saying, I plan to challenge Christian Grey.

Alice: Great.  Make sure you kill him.  You should find Leila.  She’s already got the gun.  Ana might get caught in the crossfire, but that’s the breaks.  Just, you know, FYI.

Jack: Thank you, Alice.  I don’t suppose you’d like to be an editor’s assistant?  I sense a position opening soon.

Alice: Yeah, tempting.  But clearly James knows nothing about editing, and you’re a creeper.  So, gosh, no.  Thanks anyway.

Jack: Curses!  Foiled again.

Alice: Is there anyone in this book that isn’t insane or creepy?

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16 responses

  1. To answer your last question, no.

    Can I say I was super excited to see the Hoff picture?

    1. Me too! A friend told me the Hoff was in a hilariously awful rendition of Jekyl and Hyde, so I had to find pics of that for Jack.

  2. Hmmmm Gail is fairly sane, did you interview her yet? Christian might have her drugged though, not sure.

    1. Not yet. Since she works for Christian, she might have just drugged herself.

  3. Extra points for the Hasselhoff poster.

    1. Will that come in clown noses? 😀 Gotta love the Hoff.

      1. I dunno about clown noses, but Jen over at Sips of Jen and Tonic will find it fantastical. 😉

        1. We must tell Jen to come see the Hoff! Does she have other pics of the Hoff, like from the Baywatch years, just out of, you know, curiousity.

          1. Hmm. . . I’ll have to look into it, but it wouldn’t surprise me!

          2. Have you seen the Hoff’s Hooked on a Feeling video? There’s a literal video version of it that is so funny. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztHAcNbHKF0

  4. Some days, I wish I was Ana. I think I’d like to color Dora pictures all day 😀

    1. I know! He was pretty cruel with that Seek and Find, though. I’m not sure how she got through it.

  5. It must be such fun to be Ana! It would be great never to have to worry about thinking.

    1. It would certainly make it easier to read this book.

  6. theabrasiveembrace | Reply

    I feel like Ana is a Golden Retriever…she fetches “really well”, her attention span is, well, non-existent (?), and she can’t maintain anger for very long. Is she blonde? I wonder if James has a dog.

    1. Oh, nooo, Ana is brunette, because all blonds is evil, at least according to James, er, Ana. And yes, she is like a Golden Retriever, only not as smart. I’m thinking more like a Cocker Spaniel.

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