Okay, so last time I was starting to crack just a bit, but now I am so pumped you guys. Leila has her gun pointed at Ana! Yes! We’re so close. Killherkillherkillherkillher!
I mean, um, such tension! Poor, poor Ana. What to do, what to do? Oh, hey, if it isn’t Leila herself!
Alice: Leila I am so so so happy to see you!
Leila: Okey dokey.
Alice: I’m on the edge of my seat here, Leila. You have to tell us all what happened. Did her head explode like a cantaloupe? Was there a brain inside, or just a broken speak-and-spell like I’ve been suspecting?
Leila: Oh. Well. See, Ana walked in. And I pointed the gun at her. And she just stood there. So I watched her like you do those freaks at the circus.
Alice: And then you shot her.
Leila: Nooo, I spoke cryptic to her. She doesn’t like cryptic, nope. I said “alone” a bunch of times, really spooky, cause I’m Leila the friendly ghost, Alice.
Alice: Right. Okay so then you shot her.
Leila: She offered me tea. Isn’t that funny? A tea party with guns! And I started talking about Master – that’s Christian. I also call him my preciousssss.
Alice: Okay. We’re about to get to the shooting. Any minute now. I just know it.
Leila: Master came into the room then!
Alice: Great! So you shot them both!
Leila: Noooo. He stared, and I stared, and Ana stared, and so did the chair. And Ana started to wig out. She suspects that Master and I are in true love.
Alice: She would worry about something like that even with a gun at her head.
Leila: But then he said the word, and I fell to my knees and dropped the gun.
Alice: What? No, wait, what word? What word could make you do that?
Leila: Arby’s. I really like Arby’s, don’t you?
Alice: . . . .
Leila: Master took the gun and walked to me and petted me. I like being petted. Sometimes he gives me kibbles when I’m good too. Hmmm. Kibbles.
Alice: I just – you had them, Leila. Why didn’t you shoot?
Leila: That does seem weird, doesn’t it? I don’t quite know. Ana was so upset. She didn’t want to leave because Master was petting me, and not her. Nanner Nanner Anner. Taylor had to carry her out of the room because she wouldn’t go. Ha, ha, ha. Lookie, here comes Ana now!
Ana: Hey, what is SHE doing here?
Leila: Howdy Doody, Ana.
Alice: I’ve been interviewing her about the ordeal, Ana. Or is this inner goddess? Or subconscious? Or the Wizard of Oz?
Ana: I’m Ana, of course! And she should be back in the mental ward! How did you escape, Leila?
Leila: There’s this revolving door at the hospital. Round and round it goes.
Alice: Yeah, um, Ana, I hear you didn’t want to leave when Christian was comforting Leila here.
Ana: Of course not! She is a rival for my affections! I was afraid if I left he’d start making out with herrrr and not meeee!
Leila: And they put ME in the mental ward.
Alice: No kidding. Look, Ana, Leila had a psychotic break. I sincerely doubt even Christian would screw someone who’d just had a mental breakdown.
Ana: But, but she’s everything he wanted. She’s submissive and will let him tie her up and swing her from the walls and I – I just can’t do that for my man sobbbbbbb!
Leila: That’s true. Maybe we did do it. Yeah. With buttplugs. And ponies. Lots of rainbow ponies.
Ana: I KNEW IT! Noooooooo!
Leila: And then he fastened me to Snuffaluffagus, and whipped my hiney and the ponies all sang with delight!
Alice: Just – stop that! Both of you.
Ana: I’m inwardly keening.
Alice: No you aren’t. Now, just – just – what did Christian say when you told him you were worried about him getting together with Leila?
Ana: Well first I decided to drown my sorrows in booze with Ethan. I was so SAD Alice.
Leila: Sad, sad, sad pony!
Ana: Alice make her stopppp!
Alice: I’m going to hurt you both. What did Christian say, Ana?
Ana: He, he, he said it wasn’t about meeeee.
Alice: Holy shit, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but he’s actually right. It wasn’t about you, you nimrod. He was actually trying to help this poor girl he has clearly screwed up beyond repair.
Leila: Ponies, ponies, pooooonieeees!
Ana: Poor, poor Christian got so scared that I was going to leave him! So he fell to his knees before me! He wants to be my submissive!
Alice: Great. Hit him with a hammer. Then hit yourself. Please.
Ana: I must go tend to my man. Who is MY man, so leave him alone, Leila.
Leila: Okey dokey. Alice, do you want to stay with me?
Alice: In the mental ward?
Leila: We have lime Jello.
Alice: Really? Lime, huh? Sure, let’s go.
Oh Ana – sometimes that’s just all you can say!!
Actually it’s hardly surprising that a pointed gun at her head didn’t faze her. The woman clearly has no sense of self-preservation. After all, Christian stalked her to her place of work, tracked her cell phone, followed her half way across the country even though she specifically told him that she needed space from him, HE BOUGHT HER PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT (sorry for the shouty caps, but this one really peed me off), not to mention the whippings and beatings and still she has all these “inner keenings.” So obviously the appropriate reaction to a possible bullet through the brain is “would you like some tea.” – As I said – Oh Ana!
Shouty caps are mandatory when discussing this book along with foul language. I’m not sure it’s possible otherwise. She’s such a moron. OMG you have a gun at my head and oooh you might be a rival for my man – just – logic break here, people. WTF?
Yeah would you really want Christian back if he screwed the dirty, mental girl? And good going getting drunk with Ethan because that won’t piss him off or anything! And um why is Taylor there again? Oh right to protect Christain who just barreled into the apt. Without a weapon. Oh you crazy kids!
Before I begin I have to say that I can’t actually believe that I am typing this because the very thought of giving credit to Christian for anything gives me a nosebleed … but Christian barelling into Ana’s apartment sans weapon is kinda romantic (if you ignore the controlling manipulations). His girl (his … all his) is in danger, not least because the nincompoop ignores all big red flashing DANGER signs, so he rushes in to save her without thinking about his own safety. Stupid … yes, but you gotta admit (and I will deny that I ever said this) it’s kinda sweet.
Ok ok you got me there.
Yes, hence the new and improved Christian, it makes no sense. But James can’t seem to have two almost humans in a relationship so Ana starts getting worse, which I didn’t think possible. I wanted to slap her so many times. He’s trying to take care of this nutter that wants to kill her and she’s afraid they might make out. Just, just . . . akjdkljaiodifg.
Just so many whys. On the one hand, it’s possible only Christian might have been able to, er, defuse the situation being the psycho that made her a psycho in the first place. But yeah, no gun, not being a security person and bothering to hire security in the first place – not to mention just standing around in the freaking open or how the girl managed to check herself out of the mental hospital or . . . it just goes on and on.
And I did have to wonder what the word was Christian used on Leila. Does he have one for Ana that immediately shuts her down like a robot doll? I hope he uses it.
It would be cool if it was like a German word, ya know how they call off an attack dog? But it was probably something craptastic like laters baby backwards!
Heel, Leila, heel. Good girl.
Laters baby backward would be better than it forward. He’s just a jerkwad covered in creeper sauce. Blech.