Your Weekly Horoscope (Sept 10-14)

Welcome back!  It’s time for this past week’s horoscope, today.   Because the future can’t be rushed once it’s in the past. 

Note: Certain bloggers may find their horoscopes especially helpful this week. 

Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19

Finances will take a downward turn when your new business, Monkey Bums R Us, is shut down by PETA.  Tough break. 

Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20   

The moon in the fourth quarter indicates that your favorite football team will

You find a lot of bozos on those dating sites.

be run over by bulls.

Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20

Expect romance when a Canadian clown and some other guy answer your dating ad as the same person. 

 Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22

An 80s flashback will cement the theme song to “The Facts of Life” into your

Tootie!

head, forcing you to don legwarmers and take to your waterbed while clutching your Cabbage Patch Doll. 

Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22

A visit from the stork will bring you more mouths to feed.  I hope you know what four baby storks like to eat. 

Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22

You will have a rich, full life in spite of your strange addiction to balloon animals.

Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22

The scales will not be in your favor when you gain 500 pounds overnight.  Stop eating at Ruby Tuesday’s. 

Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21

Your home town will be taken over by a hoard of 50 Shades of Grey zombie readers.  Run while you can!

Sad, sad pony

Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21

Was that pony in your burger?  Nah, I’m sure it was lunchmeat, love. 

Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19

Jupiter aligns with Mars and the floor aligns with your face.  Weebles wobble, but you fall down. 

Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18

That was 8 glasses of water a day, not 80.  I hope you’re wearing Depends.

Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20

Evil mutant dogfish will continue to dog on you, Pisces.  I hope you can tread water.

Stay tuned next week to find out what you should have done last week!  Because you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have – a bunch of crap.  Or something.

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20 responses

  1. Ruby Tuesday’s has an excellent salad bar.

    1. She also has a great blog. I’ll have to ask about her salads. 😀

  2. I’m an Aquarius not a Leo but I’m all out of Depends so I’ll take the stork chasing lion

    1. I’m glad you liked it. I should probably find something else for the water sign besides bloating (perhaps I should have been Aquarius.)

      Be careful with all those baby storks. Stock up on fish sticks.

  3. Alice,
    “That was 8 glasses of water a day, not 80. I hope you’re wearing Depends.”
    ……. This should help ease down my trips to the WCs…
    Le Clown

    1. You’ll need it for all those people answering your dating ads – unless you want to send your alter-ego on the dates.

  4. How the hell did you know I was a Capricorn??

    1. Lol. I didn’t. No, uh, wait, it was my psychic abilities, of course.

  5. Bozo needs to be run over by bulls. Are you conspiring with clowns to dredge up all my traumatizing childhood memories?

    It’s a good thing I’m not a Cancer. The (aquarius) twins in MY life cut my cabbage patch doll up to make a flour baby for high school child development class while I was off serving my frickin’ country. Besides Jo was the cool one. Why do you think I wanted a leather biker jacket so badly in high school? Wanting to be just like my father wasn’t the only reason.

    Can’t the lion just eat the baby storks?

    I once wrote a fantasy story in which the centaurs started dying of prion disease after their human allies fed them horse meat without telling them.

  6. Yes. I love bringing up traumatizing memories. Tootie was the only one with the name “Tootie”. Baby storks is cute, not lunch. And . . . okay.

    1. Not lunch. Just a snack.

  7. Very funny. I’ll have to stock up on Depends for last week.

    1. I’ve found more people with the Aquarius sign! You have to admit, Depends are convenient. Dependable, even.

      1. The twins are aquarius.

        1. I know. Don’t they realize they should have been Gemini. Sheesh.

      2. I don’t think my mom would have appreciated having to be pregnant for 12 or 13 months to make that happen. Say, they may have been concieved (or at least cloned) during the Gemini period. Do people get to have conception signs?

  8. I don’t know the song to “Facts of Life” but I would sooooooo put on leg warmers and I still have my cabbage patch doll 🙂 xox

    1. My cabbage patch dolls are still in my parents’ attic somewhere. I had thirteen of the stupid things, enough for a cabbage patch kid army. Frightening, really.

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