Welcome back! It’s time for this past week’s horoscope, today. Because the future can’t be rushed once it’s in the past.
Note: Certain bloggers may find their horoscopes especially helpful this week.
Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19
Finances will take a downward turn when your new business, Monkey Bums R Us, is shut down by PETA. Tough break.
Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20
The moon in the fourth quarter indicates that your favorite football team will
be run over by bulls.
Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20
Expect romance when a Canadian clown and some other guy answer your dating ad as the same person.
Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22
An 80s flashback will cement the theme song to “The Facts of Life” into your
head, forcing you to don legwarmers and take to your waterbed while clutching your Cabbage Patch Doll.
Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22
A visit from the stork will bring you more mouths to feed. I hope you know what four baby storks like to eat.
Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22
You will have a rich, full life in spite of your strange addiction to balloon animals.
Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22
The scales will not be in your favor when you gain 500 pounds overnight. Stop eating at Ruby Tuesday’s.
Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21
Your home town will be taken over by a hoard of 50 Shades of Grey zombie readers. Run while you can!
Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21
Was that pony in your burger? Nah, I’m sure it was lunchmeat, love.
Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19
Jupiter aligns with Mars and the floor aligns with your face. Weebles wobble, but you fall down.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18
That was 8 glasses of water a day, not 80. I hope you’re wearing Depends.
Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20
Evil mutant dogfish will continue to dog on you, Pisces. I hope you can tread water.