Pardon me while I take a break from our regularly scheduled interviews to report some of my findings. In order to properly get you in the mood, I invite you to watch this short from the 1960s advertising cars, kitchen appliances, and insanity, made easier by the snarky observations of Josh Way.
Has your brain sufficiently melted yet? Good. That will make the rest of this go down much easier. Because, you see, I have had a slight problem lately with rage. Here are a few of the reasons why.
1. What Ana’s wearing
Suffice it to say, I don’t give a shit what she’s wearing. Ever. I mean, yes, it might help to have a little description of your character’s dress, say when they first meet each other, or if they’re meeting each other after a long breakup (like three days) or if it, I dunno, has something to do with the freaking plot.
But no, we get to learn what Ana wears every single time she gets dressed. And considering how often she gets undressed, this adds up to a hell of a lot of description. I don’t care that she’s wearing a gray pencil skirt, or pantyhose, or 20 inch heels. It really is like James is playing dress up with her mini me. “Oooh, hot me would look good in this.” You really can’t convince me this woman is over twelve. You just can’t.
And for God’s sake, if I hear about her roommate’s plum dress one more time, I’m going to scream. Stop it, James. STOP IT NOW.
2. The emails.
OMFG, the emails. I have never read a book where an entire email was featured ever. And yet she uses this stupid plot device constantly. Over and over and over and over. It makes me not want to email again ever. Certainly not with cutesy sayings in the subject lines. I think this is designed to make the characters sound charming, but it doesn’t, it makes them sound like morons. And if we’re going to have them do this, make them at least sound like modern morons. Have them text each other. That’s what modern morons do constantly.
Example: Christian says: ana u r sxy omg
Ana says: thnx u r sxy 2. wnt 2 hav sxx? w/ btplgs?
Christian and Ana texting would be annoying, but at least it would be shorter. They spend so much time emailing each other, it’s a wonder they have time for all the sex.
3. The sex
I actually fell asleep today while reading a sex scene. I’m not kidding. They have gotten so boring and repetitive that if you were to take a drink every time they mention certain things, you would be drunk before the first page was through. And these scenes go on for pages. And pages. And pages.
For instance: Take a drink anytime one of the following things happens.
Christian orders Ana to come.
A foil packet is ripped.
Ana says “Oh, my.”
There is mention of Christian’s massive erection.
Ana reports that Christian tastes “mighty fine” (VOMIT)
Christian is spent or finds his release
Ana shouts “Arghh.”
Christian touches her sex (James has still not figured out vagina)
Ana says “Jeez.”
Note: No character should say “Jeez” during sex. Unless said character is the Beaver. And then I really don’t want to know about it.
There is just so much more. So, so, so much more. But that’s all I have right now. There’s no sense beating my breast about what’s happened in the past, right? That’s what Dr. Flynn would say, because Dr. Flynn is a genius. I am looking forward to the future. Which will be the same as the past. Awful. You know, some people improve as they write, but she somehow manages to get even worse. This shouldn’t be humanly possible.
But it is. Oh, it is. And there’s going to be a movie of this. And not on Lifetime (which would be perfect) but the big screen. I can’t even imagine. I don’t want to imagine. But you know I’ll watch it.
I am a very sad person. But my sacrifice, and that of the great Speaker, has not been forgotten. Observe my most fabulous award in the history of ever, created by Madame Weebles.