50 Shades Rant

Pardon me while I take a break from our regularly scheduled interviews to report some of my findings.  In order to properly get you in the mood, I invite you to watch this short from the 1960s advertising cars, kitchen appliances, and insanity, made easier by the snarky observations of Josh Way.

Has your brain sufficiently melted yet?  Good.  That will make the rest of this go down much easier.  Because, you see, I have had a slight problem lately with rage.  Here are a few of the reasons why.

1. What Ana’s wearing

Suffice it to say, I don’t give a shit what she’s wearing.  Ever.  I mean, yes, it might help to have a little description of your character’s dress, say when they first meet each other, or if they’re meeting each other after a long breakup (like three days) or if it, I dunno, has something to do with the freaking plot. 

But no, we get to learn what Ana wears every single time she gets dressed.  And considering how often she gets undressed, this adds up to a hell of a lot of description.  I don’t care that she’s wearing a gray pencil skirt, or pantyhose, or 20 inch heels.  It really is like James is playing dress up with her mini me.  “Oooh, hot me would look good in this.”  You really can’t convince me this woman is over twelve.  You just can’t. 

And for God’s sake, if I hear about her roommate’s plum dress one more time, I’m going to scream.  Stop it, James.  STOP IT NOW.

2. The emails.

OMFG, the emails.  I have never read a book where an entire email was featured ever.  And yet she uses this stupid plot device constantly.  Over and over and over and over.  It makes me not want to email again ever.  Certainly not with cutesy sayings in the subject lines.  I think this is designed to make the characters sound charming, but it doesn’t, it makes them sound like morons.  And if we’re going to have them do this, make them at least sound like modern morons.  Have them text each other.  That’s what modern morons do constantly. 

 Example: Christian says: ana u r sxy omg

                        Ana says: thnx u r sxy 2.  wnt 2 hav sxx?  w/ btplgs?

Christian and Ana texting would be annoying, but at least it would be shorter.  They spend so much time emailing each other, it’s a wonder they have time for all the sex.

 3. The sex

I actually fell asleep today while reading a sex scene.  I’m not kidding.  They have gotten so boring and repetitive that if you were to take a drink every time they mention certain things, you would be drunk before the first page was through.  And these scenes go on for pages.  And pages.  And pages.

For instance: Take a drink anytime one of the following things happens.     

Christian orders Ana to come.

A foil packet is ripped.

Ana says “Oh, my.”

There is mention of Christian’s massive erection.

Ana reports that Christian tastes “mighty fine” (VOMIT)

Christian is spent or finds his release

Ana shouts “Arghh.”

Christian touches her sex (James has still not figured out vagina)

Ana says “Jeez.”

Note: No character should say “Jeez” during sex.  Unless said character is the Beaver.  And then I really don’t want to know about it.

There is just so much more.  So, so, so much more.  But that’s all I have right now.  There’s no sense beating my breast about what’s happened in the past, right?  That’s what Dr. Flynn would say, because Dr. Flynn is a genius.  I am looking forward to the future.  Which will be the same as the past.  Awful.  You know, some people improve as they write, but she somehow manages to get even worse.  This shouldn’t be humanly possible.

But it is.  Oh, it is.  And there’s going to be a movie of this.  And not on Lifetime (which would be perfect) but the big screen.  I can’t even imagine.  I don’t want to imagine.  But you know I’ll watch it.

I am a very sad person.  But my sacrifice, and that of the great Speaker, has not been forgotten.  Observe my most fabulous award in the history of ever, created by Madame Weebles.

You do not get more awesome than this.

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25 responses

  1. Did you notice Christian say “come on” when he wants Ana to orgasm but say “come”when he wants her to follow him…wonder if it is a British thing or just a douche thing.

    1. As a Brit I can honestly say that it’s definitely not a British thing. I wouldn’t call it a douche thing either because even douches have their uses.

      1. True, douches have their uses, but then they leave you feeling all icky inside. Personally, I think it’s a Canadian thing.

    2. That would be weird if she ever got mixed up. Like he’d ask her to follow him, and she’d be all Meg Ryan rolling around on the floor.

  2. Oh and what about Chrisitan’s clothes. Flannel pants!! As far as I know flannel pants are pyjamas. E L James fantasy guy is rich, good looking, likes beating women and wears pyjamas all the time. Maybe it’s that magical way they hang off his hips

    1. OMG Christian is like that sexy Brawny Paper Towel Man! Also, I need to make a diagram and try to figure out how his pants hang. Is it like Marky-Mark, with the undies showing? And the hair – comb your stupid freaking hair already. You’re a flipping adult.

  3. I’m sorry, but it does not get any better. It doesn’t. You may have wondered why it’s weeks between my Fifty Shade Fried recraps. I can only sustain so much at one time. Fifty Shades Fried makes Fifty Shades Darker look like Fifty Shades of Grey look like Twilight look like a cabbage head with toothpicks sticking out of it.

    1. Speaker people (and when I say people I mean me) are dying for you to finish. I know it is hard, sorta like when those people who run a marathon crap themselves and keep running, but we (I) believe in you. So here’s a cup of water (ok it is vodka) and keep going! The end is in site!

      1. Speaker – I’m with Sue. I miss Hugo and Goofy. You’re almost at the finish line and I’ll be waiting to revive you when you get there.

      2. I think Hugo and Goofy are revolting. Hugo refuses interviews and I hear is spending his time at the library computer looking up voodoo hair recipes. Rumor has it Goofy is hanging with Tickle-Me-Elmo because he can score her good drugs and she just doesn’t give a damn anymore. You would have to check that with Speaker to make sure, of course.

      3. And Sue, that is a delightful image and is why I refuse to participate in most marathons.

    2. I totally understand the cabbage and toothpicks. Did you see the video? I think that’s where I live now, in that bizarro world. Help.

  4. It makes me very sad that I’ve stopped drinking, because there were so many easy drinking games, and the whole thing would have sucked slightly less. Btw, how are they ever going to make a movie that isn’t NC-17, or better still, just dismissed outright by the MPAA ratings board or whatever the hell it is as porn? Because I’ve actually watched porn that has better plots and less sex.

    1. Christian is always half-dressed for most of the sex and I am sure the movie will have a lot of sex face shots or dark shadowy shit like 9 1/2 weeks (did I just date myself?) anyway the real problem is all the fucking inner monolog. The movie is going to be like 29 mins long unless a lawyer reads you the entire contract.

      1. Maybe there will be a narrator. The actress can just stand there slack-jawed while someone narrates all her inner thoughts. Or they’ll personalize them – like some psychotic cheerleader will be computer animated beside her as inner goddess and . . . I’m suddenly horrified.

    2. That is so sad, but true. I really don’t know about the movie. I’m guessing it’s going to be a lot like the Twilight movie, where you see Bella standing around listlessly staring into space, only it will be Ana staring off listlessly into space. And you can expect a dramatic bicycle scene. Maybe Lance Armstrong will make a cameo. Also, the vomit scene should be fabulous. Hot actresses blowing chunks always brings people into the threaters.

      As far as the sex – I admit I’m morbidly curious how they pull off the piano scene. And will they have him ripping foil packets over and over? Cause that is sexy.

      1. The only scene – and I mean the ONLY scene – that may actually be slightly less than horrifying is drunk Christian. That could be a bit hilarious.

        This book is like a very bad joke … and I’m still waiting for the punchline

        1. And it never, never comes. Though Ana does, on command. Who DOES that?

      2. They should really just do an MST3K-style movie. That would be awesome.

        1. You know they’ll get a hold of it – only they are called Rifftrax now. You can see some samples on the internet. Their Twilight ones are hilarious.

      3. I didn’t know about Rifftrax! I probably should have read that Wikipedia article I linked to.

  5. Haha! That is the best award in award history! You absolutely deserve it!
    If I ever hear anyone saying Jeez during sex, I am taking offence. No, just no!

    1. Also “Arghhh!” If I said that, I think dh would be wondering what the hell he did wrong, as well he should. And the way Ana loves to give him bjs – he should just make her a semen milkshake or something. She is exactly like a freaking porn star, only with less intelligence and class.

  6. Everytime I think I’ve become as disgusted as I possibly can be by those books, you and Speaker7 report on something that makes me even more nauseated and baffled. I just DON’T GET IT. I really wonder what kind of delusional freak E.L. James is.

    1. Especially when she says she’s dreamed of writing this stuff since she was a child. Really? Is that why there are all those child references along with the porn? I just – ick. Ick, ick, ick.

      And then you see the positive reviews about the romantic love story and . . . what???

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