How Many Legs Am I Holding Up?

For my next review of Children’s T.V., I really wanted to review Maisy Mouse.  There were some technical difficulties with that.  You see, I have two daughters, but for ease of reference I will call them Thing 1 and Thing 2.  Thing 2 told me she still has fond memories of Maisy and I was not to touch her with my snark.  I was saddened by this.  I mean, look at this mouse.  She’s begging for snark.

Maisy Mouse. So much potential.

Ah, well.  Instead, I went with their suggestion of Oswald.  This is a truly disturbed cartoon.  I know I say that about all the cartoons I review, but really, these writers had to be out of their minds on something.  I’m not sure what country we can blame for this cartoon, so we’ll just blame Canada. They’re an easy target.  I know, for instance, that they are responsible for Dudley Do-Right.  That shows they are capable of this level of awful.

What were they thinking?

Oswald is an octopus that lives in the city.  Of course.  He wears nothing but a freakishly tiny hat on his head and has a pet that is a literal weenie dog – as in a dachshund forced to permanently wear a hotdog bun, because these poor dogs don’t have enough issues.  And it only makes sense that if you are a walking, talking octopus that you would own a pet, and that pet would be a dog.  For instance, Mickey Mouse owns Pluto, a dog, but is friends with Goofy, another dog.  I think.  Gosh, I’m confused.

Anyway, I really think you have to see a clip to truly believe how far out this is, so I have helpfully provided you with one.  You’re welcome.

Anyway, Oswald also has friends, and they are just as normal as he is.  First is Henry, a penguin with something stuck up his butt, because man is he stuffy.  At least for a penguin.  They are usually so happy-go-lucky.  You’re always seeing them sliding around on their butts in the ice and snow.  This one is in the city.  No wonder he’s uncomfortable.  Then again, Oswald is an octopus and by all rights should have dried up by now.  If only.

But wait, there’s more.  They also have a friend that is a – wait for it – Daisy with arms and legs that rides a bicycle.  And she’s named, you will never guess, Daisy.  There is a reason daisies aren’t animate.  They’re so freaking annoying you would spray them all with Weed-Be-Gone. 

They live in some sort of bizarro world with buildings shaped like baseballs and Old West saloons, stop signs with baseball mits at the top, and a cast of background characters straight out of your nightmares.  In one scene, you will notice a living cactus.  He’s just sitting there, drinking a coke, wearing a sombrero, minding his own business.  Then up flies the waitress, Madame Butterfly, to take their order and OMG HELP ME.

And I just have to think – who thought this up?  Who comes up with this kind of insane stuff?  Somebody has to, right?  Who just sits around and suddenly decides, “I know, I will make a cartoon with an Octupus who is pals with a penguin who owns a spoon collection.  And they will live in the fifth circle of Hades.  And just when parents think they can’t take anymore, we will have the octopus start singing.”

I think writers for children’s shows are just irritated that they don’t get to write for shows like Grey’s Anatomy, so they decide to make everyone else pay.  By doing the penguin polka while the octopus plays piano.  Children’s show writers are just mean.

Final Analysis:

  Talking, walking octopus with freakishly tiny hat – Yes

Penguin with spoon collection – Yes

Daisy with arms and legs – Yes

Crazed, revenge-seeking writers – Yes