How Many Legs Am I Holding Up?

For my next review of Children’s T.V., I really wanted to review Maisy Mouse.  There were some technical difficulties with that.  You see, I have two daughters, but for ease of reference I will call them Thing 1 and Thing 2.  Thing 2 told me she still has fond memories of Maisy and I was not to touch her with my snark.  I was saddened by this.  I mean, look at this mouse.  She’s begging for snark.

Maisy Mouse. So much potential.

Ah, well.  Instead, I went with their suggestion of Oswald.  This is a truly disturbed cartoon.  I know I say that about all the cartoons I review, but really, these writers had to be out of their minds on something.  I’m not sure what country we can blame for this cartoon, so we’ll just blame Canada. They’re an easy target.  I know, for instance, that they are responsible for Dudley Do-Right.  That shows they are capable of this level of awful.

What were they thinking?

Oswald is an octopus that lives in the city.  Of course.  He wears nothing but a freakishly tiny hat on his head and has a pet that is a literal weenie dog – as in a dachshund forced to permanently wear a hotdog bun, because these poor dogs don’t have enough issues.  And it only makes sense that if you are a walking, talking octopus that you would own a pet, and that pet would be a dog.  For instance, Mickey Mouse owns Pluto, a dog, but is friends with Goofy, another dog.  I think.  Gosh, I’m confused.

Anyway, I really think you have to see a clip to truly believe how far out this is, so I have helpfully provided you with one.  You’re welcome.

Anyway, Oswald also has friends, and they are just as normal as he is.  First is Henry, a penguin with something stuck up his butt, because man is he stuffy.  At least for a penguin.  They are usually so happy-go-lucky.  You’re always seeing them sliding around on their butts in the ice and snow.  This one is in the city.  No wonder he’s uncomfortable.  Then again, Oswald is an octopus and by all rights should have dried up by now.  If only.

But wait, there’s more.  They also have a friend that is a – wait for it – Daisy with arms and legs that rides a bicycle.  And she’s named, you will never guess, Daisy.  There is a reason daisies aren’t animate.  They’re so freaking annoying you would spray them all with Weed-Be-Gone. 

They live in some sort of bizarro world with buildings shaped like baseballs and Old West saloons, stop signs with baseball mits at the top, and a cast of background characters straight out of your nightmares.  In one scene, you will notice a living cactus.  He’s just sitting there, drinking a coke, wearing a sombrero, minding his own business.  Then up flies the waitress, Madame Butterfly, to take their order and OMG HELP ME.

And I just have to think – who thought this up?  Who comes up with this kind of insane stuff?  Somebody has to, right?  Who just sits around and suddenly decides, “I know, I will make a cartoon with an Octupus who is pals with a penguin who owns a spoon collection.  And they will live in the fifth circle of Hades.  And just when parents think they can’t take anymore, we will have the octopus start singing.”

I think writers for children’s shows are just irritated that they don’t get to write for shows like Grey’s Anatomy, so they decide to make everyone else pay.  By doing the penguin polka while the octopus plays piano.  Children’s show writers are just mean.

Final Analysis:

  Talking, walking octopus with freakishly tiny hat – Yes

Penguin with spoon collection – Yes

Daisy with arms and legs – Yes

Crazed, revenge-seeking writers – Yes

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22 responses

  1. The only good thing is this cartoon use to lull my daughter into a coma-like state so I could actually get stuff done. Another perk for adults (sarcasm) is the washed up celebrity voices. The octopus is the kid from the wonder years, the penguin is squiggy, (OMG am I dating myself) the flower is some chick from the old old SNL and the dragon, oh yes there is a dragon, is the brother? Neighbor? From mad about you…ok if you are under 35 you have no idea what I am talking about. Take some acid and watch the show.

    1. Lol, the show is an acid trip. I’m 36 so I know exactly what you’re talking about. I had no idea there were celebrity voices. That is so sad. Is the Wonder Years one Fred Savage? I saw him play a psycho boyfriend on a Lifetime Movie opposite Candice Cameron from Full House. Candice bites it in case you’re curious.

      Oh, the posts I could have on Lifetime movies.

      1. Yes Fred savage although I read an interview (I have that kind of time) that says that he doesn’t alter his voice for it. But it doesn’t sound like a grown male does it? it freaks me out!

        As for Lifetime movies (you must have that kind of time) they are “awesome” but loooooonnnnngggg! Just when you think they are about over the commercials go into overdrive so now a two hour movie is some how 6 hours long and my whole Saturday afternoon is gone, my kid is still in PJ’s and my house is still a mess! Damn that channel!

        1. Haha, I know. They suck you in at the beginning and then throw all the commercials toward the end about the time you’d be figuring out – hey, this is going to suck like every other movie they make – but there’s a commerical every three minutes so you have to stay to figure out someone’s complete sentence.

          And then the guy or the girl stalks and kills the other one the end! I used to watch them late at night while expecting Thing 1 and my dh was like stop watching that stuff cause I’d be all whyyyyy, whyyyy.

    2. Sue – what is your blog again? You name doesn’t link me anywhere.

  2. Nooooo! Not the singing! Nothing is worse than Oswald singing. It’s always the same song over and over.
    I can take the silly octopus, and the crazy friends that somehow manage to communicate with each other and live in one world, and the stupid plot, but not the singing! Put a ban on the singing! Censor the singing! I will take repetitive high pitched beeps to Oswald’s singing.

    1. Why is it all of them have to sing? I hate whiny cartoon singing. Want to know why you are left out, Oswald? Because you’re a freak and nobody likes you. And this is why I don’t write for children’t tv. 😀

  3. My Babygirl used to love Oswald (which was fine with me, ’cause he was quiet and easy to sleep through), but my dad would just go on and on about that stupid little hat and how does it stay on his head. . . Um, I dunno. I also dunno how that’s your major concern here.

    Poor Fred Savage. The Wonder Years was really as good as it got.

    1. It is a freakishly small hat. (Have you seen Angie’s blog – Childhood Relived) – she has a freakishly small pillow that would be perfect for that hat.

      But yeah, I’d be more concerned about why he’s talking and walking and not in water and owns a living hotdog and OMG ITS A FREAKING CACTUS DRINKING A COKE!

      1. I think you should do Ruby and Max. A perfect blend of obnoxiousness and adult negligence.

        1. Yeah, they never do explain what happened to the parents.

  4. My kids loved that show when they were younger. My favorite kids show is Phineas ad Ferb.

    1. My husband loves that one too. It at least has some thought put into it, but the shrieking gets to me, lol.

  5. You know, I’m a mom too. So, I have to ask, does it suck to watch kid’s TV or what? I’ve seen entirely too much Spongebob. I can do dialogue. Does it irritate the writers as much as it irritates me some days? Most of the time, i can tune it out.

    Oh, look up Chloe’s Closet if you want to get really angry.

    1. Thank goodness mine aren’t into Spongebob. But they AND my husband like Phineas and Ferb and it drives me batty. Ughhh. I have never heard of Chloe’s Closet – how did I get out of that one?

      I have another post trashing Hannah Montana – that Disney teenie bopper crapola is what they like now. I almost miss Oswald.

      1. It’s a PBS thing here, so you might have gotten out of it that way.

        I’m so glad I have a son sometimes.

  6. My personal favorite episode is the one where the penguin gets all stressed over getting a haircut. Why? I mean, why did the penguin even have hair?

    1. Same reason he has a spoon collection. WTF.

  7. Goofy talks, but Pluto doesn’t. Isn’t that true? If so, maybe that’s why Mickey can be friends with Goofy but Pluto is a pet.–Only talking animals are peers, and all other animals are just pets, lol.

    It looks like the hot dog bun is actually part of the dog. Is it the result of some weird genetic experiment?

    1. Possibly. Or maybe a dachshund mated with a hot dog. No telling.

      There may be something to the whole talking and you’re a peer, don’t talk and you’re a pet. Yet Ana from 50 shades talks and is also a pet. Gosh now I’m all confused again.

  8. My step-son just introduced me to Adventure Time. It might restore your faith in kids’ show writers. Or maybe you’ll just have flashbacks and seizures. Either way, a pretty good Friday night.

    1. Yup, a great Friday night! I will have to check that one out.

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