50 Shades Dumber Interviews Jack “Snidely Whiplash” Hyde

I’m fairly certain I’m in a time machine.  Because I know I already did Chapter 16, but now here it is again.  I think somehow James keeps adding chapters in my sleep, so that I will never finish.  It’s like when you’re in Vegas, and you would swear that the next casino is just a block away, but it’s really like 27 blocks, and you’re never getting out of the Circus Circus parking lot alive.  Yeah, like that.

So last we left Ana, Jack Hyde, otherwise known as Snidely Whiplash, was about to pounce on her.  Now I don’t advocate rape, ever, but maybe he could have just stuck her head into the copier and pressed copy about a billion times while laughing hysterically.  I would have more respect for him.  Anyway, oh look, here’s Snidley again to tell his side of the story.

Jack Hyde. My apologies for my earlier references to “the Hoff”

Jack: Bwahahahahahahaha.

Alice: Hello, Jack.  Quit twisting your mustache, it’s creepy.

Jack: I guess you want to know about that tight-assed, cock-blocking, prick-tease?

Alice: Wow.  That’s romantic.

Jack: That’s what I was going for!  I thought I had her, but Dudley Do-Right showed up and– foiled again!

Alice: Ah, right.  So what happened?

Jack:  Well, I waited until closing, when my ride was due to pick me up in five minutes.  Then I made my move when she went into the break room.  I had carefully set up the Zingers as bait.

Just think of the Zingers, guys.

Alice: Yeah, uh, that doesn’t seem like the best plan, there.  If your ride was about to pick you up for the airport, how were you going to have time to rape her?

Jack: I . . . nevermind!  It was genius!  I leered at her and told her about all the emails she’d been sending.  The idiot has an ancient Blackberry, but uses her work email?

Alice: Yeah, even Christian figured out that was moronic.

Jack: And I told her she wasn’t the most qualified but I fought for her!  And she owed me for this job!

Alice: If only you’d been Christian, this all would have worked out so well.

Jack: Yes! I followed all his moves, but it didn’t work for me!  She kicked me in the groin and ran, which was not a nice thank you.

Alice: Cause every girl wants to be felt up on the copier.  Actually, Ana might.  But only if it were Christian.  So then what?

Jack: Do-Right’s minion Taylor came in and shouted at me so it would sound bad, but really he was just wanting to ask if I’d help him out later with a little project.  It was hard to hear over Christian yelling at Ana – you could hear it through Taylor’s walky-talky.

Alice: Wait – Ana nearly gets raped and Christian yells at her?

Jack: Well, yeah, he said he was pissed at her and she was stupid and to get in the motherfucking car.

Alice: Wow . . . way to make a gal feel safe there.

Christian rides to the rescue *

Jack: And then Do-Right came in and they made me pack up my desk.  I mean, I was totally fired for that?  I thought office rape was standard policy.

Alice: . . .

Jack: So they led me to my cab and I took off.

Alice: You mean they didn’t arrest you?

Jack: I didn’t rape her, just tried to, so it was totes okay.  Luckily, Ana still had that camera in her purse, so I was able to tell what was going on after that.

Alice: If the camera was inside the purse, how could you –

Jack: Just go with it.  James does.  First Christian wouldn’t talk to her, and then he got her in the elevator and stuck his tongue down her throat.  And then they drank.

Alice: The girl is almost raped but is okay with making out immediately afterward . . . nevermind, why do I ask?

Jack: And they yammered about Jose coming to visit and Christian was pouty just cause Jose had tried to rape her too.  I mean, seriously, what’s up with that?  And she said she didn’t like Elena, and Christian was all surprised about that for some reason and then she was on her own and she decided to explore the apartment.

Alice: Explore the . . . she really is like a goldfish.  By the time she gets to one side of the apartment, she’s forgotten what was on the other side.

Jack: She went into the Red Room o’ Pain and dug through the museum chest.  There she found an assortment of sex toys, all carefully organized.  There was a butt drawer, a vibrator drawer, a genital drawer, and the leather straps and ballgags drawer. (I did not make that up, I shit you not.)

Always keep your sex toys organized.

Alice: Well, it’s nice that he’s organized.

Jack: Christian thought maybe she wouldn’t want to do it cause she was attacked but Ana was like, no biggie, so they got out a spreader bar . . .

Alice: A spreader bar?  Nevermind.  Please don’t tell me.

Jack: And he tied her up and had sex with her that went on and on and on.  I mean, I wasn’t even going to tie her up.  Life is just not fair.

Alice: Yeah.  It doesn’t make sense either. I am in some sort of warped parallel universe.**

* Do-Right and Whiplash are totally Canadian.  Of course.

**It is called E.L.JamesFunLand Express

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14 responses

  1. “Bad bad Ana, for almost getting raped … I need to put you over my knee.” Isn’t Christian a gent. And she wants to marry this guy?? Seriously!! Oh yes, don’t we all want a power hungry, friendless loner with delusions of grandeur and mommy issues. One sec … isn’t that how serial killers are made?

    1. Yup. Yet the other day I was seaching blogs for 50 shades to find kindred spirits and I came upon one that was all about submitting and how we women really do want a man who throws us up against the wall instead of a man who cares about us as humans. All this time I’ve been doing it all wrong!

      I started to freak that I had somehow started following this person and then remembered it was just a search and whew nightmare over.

  2. BTW Please don’t ever ever take me to EL JamesFunLandExpress. I’d rather hang upside down in the Red Room of Pain

    1. I think this book is the Red Room o’ Pain. I keep thinking about that room. How many women would walk in, say wow he’s hot and rich and oh you have this room too damn bad I can’t stay!

      Sort of like what happened to a lot of potential Tom Cruise girlfriends.

      1. I used to have big time fantasies about Tom Cruise (especially in that A Few Good Men uniform) until I realised what a douche he is.

        1. I know! I am a big sucker for hot men in uniform. I think the problem was he started opening his mouth. Just stand there and look pretty, Tom. Noooo, instead he has to be become king of the crazy wicker people or whatever they call themselves.

  3. You have been nominated for the lovely blog award http://wp.me/p2qKgK-7E I hope you accept!

    1. Lovely blog? Me? There must have been some mistake and all my nastiness was missed. Too bad, mine mine mine now. Thank you. 😀

      1. I promised you bling did I not? so bling you will have…even if Jack is creeping me out a little lol.

  4. theabrasiveembrace | Reply

    Among others you (you especially) have “inspired” me to write this:

    http://theabrasiveembrace.wordpress.com/2012/09/19/works-of-art/

    I hope you get something out of it – maybe some strength to continue with your hard (and dirty) work!

    1. Ha! I just saw it, and I encourage others to go as well! Truly, that is much better work than E.L.’s masterfeces. I love it.

      1. theabrasiveembrace | Reply

        Another thing I’d like to ask you: for the longest time I’ve been reading books like an actual reader, i.e. it was up to me if I liked the book in the end or not, but I didn’t shift my perspective into, say, the editor’s position. I feel like these “masterfeces” (I do count Twilight into this) force us into a condescending editor’s perspective – I mean, we wouldn’t ever let these things get published right?

        So my question, is it hard to you to shift your perspective back and just enjoy the next book you’ll read from the get-go?

        1. Read another book . . . I’m trying to think of the last good book I read. My brain is pudding. Well, okay, I do like Rick Riordan (Percy Jackson and the Olympians). I’ve been reading his books to my daughter. It is strange to read something that doesn’t have me stopping at idiotic speedbumps every few paragraphs

          Otherwise, I read a lot of non-fiction because I prefer to write my own stuff. Unless I get a really good series. I think the last one I read and actually liked was the Hunger Games.

          Also I find myself going back to my own writing, terrified I have somehow unwittingly absorbed a Jamesism.

  5. Really? This is the book that’s topping every freaking bestseller list? Wow. Maybe I better rethink the premise of my next book…

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