Chapter 17 begins with Christian’s massive peen and Ana’s butt. I think there’s a metaphor for this book in there somewhere. I hate this chapter, and I’ve only read three paragraphs. Then there is sex and swaying hips and crap kill me now. What’s really bad is that after scanning this chapter a couple times, I can’t figure out anyone else to interview except one of those idiots. So I figured, kill them both with one stone.
Christian + Ana = Twu Luv
Alice: Delighted to have you . . . shit, let’s get this over with. So what happened? Anything? I don’t suppose a plot found its way in accidentally.
Christian: First, Ana and I made love. She’s always wet.
Alice: I would recommend Pampers. I hear they are the best at stopping leaks.
Christian: Next I ordered her to eat every bite of her granola.
Alice: Still not seeing how she’s not a preschooler.
Ana: But I have a car! I’m grown up.
Alice: Does Christian let you drive it?
Ana: He did! I put on “King of Pain” on the Ipod and said it was, like, Christian’s song. Get it?
Alice: Please tell me you didn’t just insult Sting. I feel rage.
Sting is not impressed.
Ana: I worried I might not have a job anymore! Marry the gazillionaire. Subconscious, you rapacious bitch! (This is right from the book. No, really.)
Christian: Charming, isn’t she?
Alice: She’s fucking nuts. Next.
Christian: I gave her strict instructions on how to drive. You push that one pedal, and then that other pedal. And I started to think we should have practiced more with the Big Wheel.
Ana: But I did it!
Alice: So then you went to work.
Ana: First Christian and I talked about how we were afraid the other one might leave us and make us sadfaced. And he wanted to know if I’d marry him again.
Alice: Sheesh, it’s been, what, two weeks since you met him? What’s the hold up?
Ana: Oh, but guess what? When I got to work, Jack’s boss told me she was giving me Jack’s job. I’m, like, an editor.
Seriously, E.L.?
Alice: What?
Ana: And I got his big office too! After only a week of work!
Alice: What?
Ana: So I called Christian and asked if he got me the job but he said no and I didn’t believe him and he got angryfaced that I didn’t believe him.
Alice: What?
Ana: Then Ethan came by, they call him the blond god at work cause he is so hot, and he said I looked hot.
Alice: Wait, which one’s Ethan?
Ana: Kate’s brother. And then Christian’s sister Mia showed up and I asked them to go out together cause I was busy being all businessy and I bet they are going to fall in love!
Alice: Uh huh.
Christian: Wait, he said you were hot? Are you sleeping with him?
Ana: Christi-poo, don’t be silly! I only let one man tie me up and beat me.
Alice: Just – weren’t you two supposed to meet with Dr. Flynn?
Ana: Yes. But first, Christian sent me an email.
Why you do this to the kitty???
Christian: Alice, you’re supposed to put the corkscrew in the wine bottle, not your eye.
Alice: My mistake. So then you went to see Dr. Flynn.
Ana: First I bought Christian a tiny little present but didn’t say what it was so that the reader would have to guess! Then we went to Dr. Flynn’s office.
Alice: Finally.
Ana: The female receptionist saw Christian and started orgasming which was like, ew, cause she could be his mother and old women are so gross!
Alice: I hate you.
Ana: I was surprised that the charlatan’s office wasn’t like something out of Freud. Because I like to stereotype the shit out of stuff. And I told him about the NDA. Dr. Flynn asked Christian about that and he was like, yeah, I do that with my relationships and Dr. Flynn was amused.
Alice: You realize his degree is an adoption form for a Cabbage Patch Kid, right?
Christian: I highly respect Dr. Flynn.
Alice: There you go.
Christian: But then he had me leave the room. I was madfaced.
Ana: Dr. Flynn noticed Christian intimidated me. I said not as much as before. And he said, like, he wasn’t surprised and then he asked if he could help me.
Alice: Just skipped right over the intimidating . . . whatever. Next.
Ana: Dr. Flynn told me my, um, “down there” had done more for Christian than any silly therapy could! And then he said a lot of big psychologyish words that I didn’t understand cause he is so smart and I’m like, not, and then he said he didn’t think Christian was a sadist cause that isn’t psychiatric term and he said that Christian just decided not to do BDSM anymore cause I didn’t want him to and I didn’t think it could be so simple.
BDSM cured by va-jay-jay? Totally possible.
Alice: Yeah, it can’t.
Ana: Dr. Flynn said “Why not?” He has a British accent. That makes him even more smarter. And he said we shouldn’t beat our breasts, but I don’t, I let Christian do that. Then he said Christian was emotionally an adolescent.
Alice: Finally we agree on something.
Ana: And I said I was not good enough cause I’m not quite as hot and Dr. Flynn said I was attractive and that he was so happy Christian was in love with me.
Alice: Totally appropriate.
Ana: Then Christian dragged me out of the office. And we argued about driving.
Christian: Silly girl thought she could drive her own car. Pfft.
Ana: We had a cute little spat and I pulled over dangerously, and then we fought some more and then he drove and asked me what I said to Flynn and I told him and he asked what else I said to Flynn and I told him that too and then I asked if he thought his subs were lovers and he said no and I was so surprised.
Alice: He’s said that literally dozens of times before, you moron.
Christian: And then we got to the special secret place I was taking Ana. But it’s a surprise, you won’t find out till next time!
Alice: I hope it’s a lava pit and you guys fall in and become flaming balls of stupid.
Christian: I think we should invite Alice to the wedding, don’t you, Ana?*
*I’m not going and they can’t make me. Not unless there’s a LOT of booze.
aliceatwonderland 
Oh. . . I. . . This is just way too funny. . .
Thank youuuu, Ruby.
Don’t you love how the promotion? I kind of glazed over because well everything in the book is pretty stupid like that but Speaker pointed out the most awesome thing, they based her promotion on what Jack (the guy they fired for sexual harrasment remember him) thought of her! Brilliant!
Don’t you love how she got the promotion…ugh hate typing on iPhone!
at least you can type on it. Not sure if I could figure out how to turn it on.
Oh, yeah, I forgot about that among the other stupid. Even better. I wonder if Ana edits with her magic vagina, and that’s why she gets promoted so easily.
Do you think a whole new practice of therapy will develop from this book? I’m taking, of course, of the Magical Vagina practice. I believe mine can cure restless leg syndrome. By the way, best illustration of Christian and Ana ever. I love the club.
The club is actually a really long sex toy. It can vibrate, hit your girlfriend, and lock up your steering wheel. I think my va-jay-jay of magic can heal leprosy, but I would have to sleep with a leper, so I haven’t tested it yet. But it is totally for-realz.
Talking not taking *comment fail*
I think you can safely blame James for that. The stuff she has done to our brainz.
I especially like the pictures, especially especially the very first one. Did you have personal special fun to make this especially funny picture? I’m especially practicing ELJamesian-style vocabulary usage as it should be especially clear…
Is it? I need coffee. Happy weekend!
Yes I had special personal fun on that one – I used it twice (I think it’s on one the last posts from the first book). My mouth is in a thin, hard line as I read your words and my hand is twitching, but I’ll probably just spank my Nook.
You’re brilliant funny lady. Thanks for the laugh.
x,
Becca
You are a brilliant lady to think I am funny. 😀 Glad my readers have benefitted from my sacrifice. I’d read a dozen more of these books for you guys!
Wait, what did I just say?
When I saw the title of ur post in my email I was so excited. I thought u finally got Goofy and Hugo to agree to an interview. Imagine my disappointment. Love the picture of ChristiAna.
Love that Ana thinks that all Brits are like super smart. I must be a genius because I am British and I READ BOOKS.
Oh and tomorrow I am going to tell my boss that I must be promoted to president of the company. I’ve worked there for 10 years dammit. I should be the boss of the whole world by now
I am filled with sad because Hugo has not agreed to an interview. Then again, I think he might have been arrested for puppet crimes, I’m not sure. Last I heard there was talk of house arrest.
I haven’t tried Goofy yet. There are rumors she ran off with Tickle-Me-Elmo. No confirmations from Speaker. I think she’s still rehabilitating.
You really should be boss of the whole world. Is your vagina magic? Maybe you should put that on your resume. Sadly, I think James is boss of the world, at least money wise, which makes one doubt there is hope in the universe.
Alice, I’m just hoping for your sake that these two managed to postpone sexy time until they were no longer in the room with you. There is not enough booze in the world for that.
Seriously, there was a large portion of this chapter devoted to them wanting to have sex everywhere but no, not yet, not yet and Ana getting all hot and bothered and – really? I’m not seeing the tension here. Maybe if they hadn’t already done it 6,000 times already, but yeah, no, not now.
Alice, you are going to love this… There is now a group out of Houston protesting corporal punishment in school. The rational is not based on scientific psychological studies,but because, as evidenced by these asinine books, spankings are a sexual act. Some of the groups members reference these books for proof! This generated an interesting discussion with my 12 year old son. He was curious as to why spankings were never discussed during his sex ed classes at school…. Leading me to a prayer of thanksgiving that he is home sick and thus less likely to ask his teacher why!
Just when you think the Texas School District can’t get any stupider . . .
Do you think that the demented duo could be classified as co-dependent?
Yes. And so much else . . .