Curious Alice visits the hospital Part One

Thurs. Afternoon (cue that Law and Order ding-ding)

I arrive at La Resorta de Enferma (years of Spanish classes at your service here) at around noon.  My husband drops me off at Registration while he attempts to find a parking place.  There is a short line.  I notice an old lady with a walker.  She tries to cut the line.  Yeah, I don’t think so Grandma.  I assert my place, and give her a look that says “I will trip you, lady.”  She backs off.

Next it’s time for paperwork.  Mostly it’s signatures on stuff I don’t read but I’m pretty sure it says something along the lines of “patient will not sue if maimed or killed in our care”.  They make sure I have a driver’s license and insurance card, and make copies. I guess this is in case I flee to Mexico without paying.  Then I get the royal treatment – a wheelchair ride into the elevator and up to my floor.  No one wants to ride with us for some reason, so the elevator is all mine.  Wheee.

 

Sign Here.

There are tiny accommodations, but I don’t have to share, so I’m happy.  They give me my uniform that snaps on the sides and opens in the back.  At one time this might have embarrassed me, but I’ve given birth twice now.  There are few people that haven’t seen me, you know, “there”, so I don’t care.  I get more paperwork!  They ask if I want to fill out a living will.  You know.  Just because.  No real reason. 

I am hooked up to an I.V. by a nurse who does not use the vein I’m complimented on so often, but another further down the arm that apparently takes some digging around to get just right.  They put a bag of fluid into the I.V.  This insures that the patient will have to go to the bathroom every half hour, yet be unable to do so, because she is chained to an I.V. pole.  I’m not sure if there’s a purpose to it.  I think the doctors just do it because it’s kind of funny to pretend they don’t hear you when you push the nurse’s button needing to go potty.  I swear they hung up on me a couple of times. 

Well, at least the IV will mean they won’t have to keep sticking me.  Oh, but wait.  Yes they will.  You see, they only use the IV to stick stuff in you, not to take it out.  And they must take your blood out at certain times, like midnight when you’ve finally fallen asleep, and then they must take out so much that even the nurse comments that she has no idea why they want so much.  I think they’re conducting Nazi experiments, but I could be wrong.  Should you see a familiar looking Alice clone walking around sometime, you will know what happened.

But La Resorta has some advantages.  There is a bed that adjusts up and down.  Sometimes all by itself.  At first I thought the bed was possessed, but the nurse informed me that it’s a smart bed, which should be a warning right there.  The bed is designed to adjust by itself to keep you from getting bed sores, but mostly it just annoys the patients.  Nice to know. 

 

Beds double as amusement park rides.

There is also room service.  I am not on restricted diet, so I order something that claims to be a chicken pot pie, but it is no Stouffers, let me tell you.  The cake is excellent, though.  They also bring me drinks when I ask, and all my meds, right to my bed.  This is much better service than I find at home.  Home service mostly consists of getting dumped in the back bedroom and totally forgotten about.  This might be partly my annoyed perception of events.  I am a good caretaker, and I expect the same, like a little bell I can ring for service.  Or a button to push.  One where the people on the other end, I repeat, do not hang up on you.  (Yes La Resorta nurses, I am looking at you.)

Finally, there is entertainment.  There’s a large T.V. in the corner of the room, and an actual real remote, which is a real improvement over the remote at the last hospital I visited years before.  That one only went up or down through about sixty channels, several of which were either Spanish, religious, or religious Spanish.  Or sports.

Shockingly, there is still nothing on T.V.  TLC has decided to air a marathon of “Say Yes To the Dress”, except no, it’s not a marathon, there are just half a dozen shows on this station about weddings.  Why.  Just why?  On “Say Yes to the Dress” the tension hinges on whether the bride will select this dress or that dress.  Or possibly another dress.  All costing more than my first house.  But that’s okay, because you get so much wear out of these kinds of dresses.

There’s another show where women visit each others’ weddings and rate which one is the best.  And they act like catty jerks while doing their evaluations, because as you know everyone’s wedding sucks but yours.  They get annoyed that a Catholic wedding ceremony is like, so long, and that priest guy was totally dressed femmy and all.  Also, the enormous ballroom is bo-ring, and the silverware totally doesn’t match the flowers, or something else stupid.  I hate this show worse than the one where people catcall the girl trying on dresses with such endearments as “That makes you look like a tramp!”  And that one was from Grandma.

 

Dress: 1 bazillion dollars
Credit Card Bill: Priceless

My parents are in Vegas at this time.  Yeah, I know, my parents have way more fun than I do.  Anyway, my dh has to leave to take care of children because apparently someone is supposed to be with them and I am left by myself at the hospital.  Because I am big and strong I start getting a little scared and weepy and the nurses figure out there’s nothing physically wrong with me (besides the obvious Pneumonia crap) so they ease on out of there.  Only the janitor stops picking up trash to hug and bless me.  That was weird, but nice.  So thank you janitor lady, wherever you are 

 

Alice is Sad Pony.

 Stay tuned for Part Two . . . it’s more exciting than TLC

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21 responses

  1. Oh dear. But I have to admit using Spanish terms does make it sound fancier and nicer. Like a resort.

    1. Yes. Like Casa Blanca sounds way better as a movie title than White House.

  2. Holy crap! Alice I will have to let you know that I don’t know what you really look like so if years later there is a clone, and it doesn’t look like the fancy literature version of Alice in wonderland or your cartoon drawing I will never know. Although if I see either of those two I will shoot on site. Can’t be too careful.

    And shouldn’t they change the name of that channel already? Am I learning anything other than people are f’ing scary? My other beef is the history channel. Um how does picking through hoarders stuff relate to history? Syfy still lives up to it’s name thank goodness! And don’t even get me started on MTV.

    1. I would shoot my cartoon drawings on site too. I actually can draw better than that, but not on paint. I think that program is designed to make you look like a preschooler. And yes, I think TLC is the let’s learn about freaks channel. And the way they spell Syfy – it’s like seefee. Drives me nuts. And has anyone seen an actual video on MTV in the last decade?

  3. Time for pet therapy…Toby needs to do his magic and visit you (though I might need a passport and he will be in quarantine for some time….) It always amazes me how nice the housekeepers are in hospitals…I found them much friendlier than the nurses and so helpful!
    I hope the resort improved its service and that stupid bed gives over at some point! surely they must break on a regular basis lol xx

    1. Look out, Alice! Some Canadian with a cat is trying to do you in!

      1. Canadian? with a cat? erm did you mean to post this under someone elses reply by any chance?

      2. Scienerf has a doggy. Le Clown is a Canadian weirdo. Not sure if he has a Canadian weirdo cat or not.

    2. I really wanted a Toby when I was in the hospital. Luckily Thing Two sent her stuffed bear.

  4. I am so glad you haven’t lost your sense of humor through all of this! This post is hilarious, if not a bit sad.

    I HATE Say Yes to the Dress! Such a stupid, stupid show! Sorry to hear that’s all you have to watch. Isn’t Maury finding out if someone is the father? Or Jerry Springer making white trash fight on stage? Or maybe Dr. Phil is “helping” people? There’s got to be something better than SYTTD!

    1. I did see some Dr. Phil. His show was on teens from Hell and he tawked about how they were havin’ a changin’ day in their lives. I didn’t watch it all, but I bet he gave them a car.

  5. Alice,
    WIFE: Did you read Alice’s last post, she has pneumonia…
    Le Clown: WTF, does she? Crap, I have read she was under the weather, but had no clue she was this fucking sick.
    WIFE: Go tell her you’re thinking about her AGAIN douchebag.
    Le Clown: Yes, Dear.
    So, here. That’s the shit, my friend. Get well.
    Le Clown

    1. Sara,
      Thank you for humanizing le husband. I am starting to feel more human-like myself. This stuff is the shit, for sure.
      Alice

  6. I’m sorry you have pneumonia and have to be in the hospital. Nurses seem to be too busy with paperwork to take care of patients I find. It was nice of the housekeeping lady to hug you. I will wish for your speedy recovery and all those nice things 🙂 Get well soon!

    1. Thank you. I am slowly getting better. I will feel so happy when I can get back to 50 shades. Honest to God that’s how bad this has been. And Sad Pony Alice was thankful to the blessing housekeeper lady.

  7. I kind of reveled in being left alone at the hospital last time it happened. Of course, I had a baby to cuddle and the food was actually good, and nurses did NOT ignore my bathroom assistance requests. Next time feel free to text me more.

    1. Most of the food was pretty good, just not the chicken pot whatever that was. It was a relief not to have a baby to cuddle. Another baby at this point would make me freak out – that’s a condition that lasts at minimum 18 years there.

  8. I’ve never heard of “say yes to the dress” but we Brits are not immune to the mindless drivel that is reality TV. And the channels have stupid names too like TMI or WTF or Life (as in I don’t have one). There is nothing I abhor more than this crap that passes for entertainment. And this coming from someone who has read and survived the 50 shades trilogy.
    Alice if I see someone in a blue gingham dress with Ana Steele’s brain cells I will alert u immediately.
    In the meantime get well in your Spanish resort. Hope the bed behaves and beware of anything that says “drink me”

    1. I think TLC should be renamed the WTF Channel. Do you Brits have Lifetime? Because that is the awesomenest network ever. By which I mean awful. I think they should really do the 50 shades movie. That’s the crap they specialize in.

  9. You’re hilarious.

    When I had my surgery back in January, the best part of the hospital stay was the bed. It wasn’t a smart or possesed one but it was still nice. I spent a lot of time playing with those controls. So much fun!

    Hope you feel better soon!

  10. […] Curious Alice Visits the Hospital Part One – Pneumonia sucks.  (12/10/02) […]

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