50 Shades Dumber Interviews Christian’s Mommy

Oh, my.  Such tension as Chapter 19 opens.  I can hardly contain myself.  Christian’s helicopter, the Charlie Tango & Cash, is MISSING.  He is immediately on the news, because now random rich businessmen are as famous as Brad Pitt.  His family and Ana and some other stupid people sit around being sadfaced.  For like two pages.  And then, oh what a relief.  Christian comes back.  Hoo-freaking-ray. 

Once the hooplah about the return of Jesus Christian dies down I decide to take the opportunity to interview Dr. Grace Trapper-Keeper-Grey, otherwise known as Christian’s Mommy – the adoptive one, not the crackwhore, cause she’s dead and my Ouija board is on the fritz.

Dr. Grey
Do you think she works with McDreamy?

Alice: Hello Grace.  How’s it going?

Grace: My poor baby was missing and we thought he was dead until just moments ago!  How do you think I feel?

Alice: Well, I felt elated, but I’m guessing you had the sads.

Grace: I did, but then he returned!  Oh, Alice it was a miracle!  Eight hours no one saw and then about fifteen minutes of suffering and worry.  Also a bunch of Ana’s irritating flashbacks.  Those were the worst.

Alice: Yippee.  So what happened?

Grace: Well, he showed up carrying his jacket and socks and shoes for some reason and looking tired but beautiful, of course.  We all cried and shouted and I flung myself on him and said I died a thousand deaths.

Alice: This book will have that effect on you.

Grace: I asked why he didn’t call and he said his cell phone was dead.

Elmo got no reception, loser!

Alice: So that’s why we were spared emails for three whole pages.

Grace: We are all so relieved he came home safe.  He was such a good little boy, you know.  No trouble at all. You didn’t even have to touch him, unlike that annoying Mia and Elliot, always wanting food and hugs and all that crap.  If only I’d gotten them from crackwhores.  Maybe they’d have turned out as well as Christipoo.

Alice: Um.  Yeah.  So, you really don’t know about your son’s, um, extracurricular activities do you?

Grace: There are some things that disturb me, Alice.

Alice: Really?  You mean you know about the –

Grace: Karate.  Yes.  He thinks he’s Bruce Lee, but he still can’t break a tough brownie in two without help.

Alice: Yup, that’s the disturbing part, alright.

Grace: Also that Ana.  What is wrong with that twit?

Alice: There’s just so much. 

Grace: I am afraid they- they – might be having sex, Alice.

Alice: You don’t say.

Grace:  Sigh.  Anyway, he hugged me a bit and then he pushed me off and went to hold her while she wailed and then Elliot asked for more details about the “chopper” which makes Christian madfaced because it’s a helicopter, you see, the safest on the market.

Christian’s Helicopter
Safest on the Market!

Alice: Clearly.  Now it’s a big hunk of molten metal, but whatevs.

Grace: And then Taylor said his daughter was fine.

Alice: What daughter?  What does that have to do with anything?

Grace: I have no idea.  Anyway, Christian said he was flying with his number two.

Alice: Ew.

Grace: Ros wanted to see Mt Saint Helens, so they were only 200 feet above ground level when the helicopter caught fire, and that’s why they didn’t die and all. 

Alice: 200 feet is still rather far up, isn’t it?  I mean, if I fell 200 feet, I think I’d be pretty smashed up, especially if I was surrounded in metal and fire.

Grace: So he landed and he put out the fire – with a fire extinguisher – and it was so brave of him because both engines were on fire!

Alice: He put out a huge helicopter fire with . . . one fire extinguisher.

Official Charlie Tango fire extinguisher

Grace: And then he used the Blackberry GPS to guide them.

Alice: I thought he had no reception.

Grace: He didn’t.  But the GPS still worked because it operates by magic.

Alice: Whatever. 

Grace: It took them four hours to walk because silly Ros wore heels.

Alice: What a bitch.

Grace: Then they hitched a ride for free with a friendly truck driver who shared his lunch.

Alice: Was he from Sesame Street perhaps?  Why couldn’t they have gotten one of those homicidal maniac truck drivers?

Grace: Christian was so anxious to be back because Jose was staying with Ana and he was worried they were going to start having an affair in the eight hours he was missing.

Alice: Well, Ana does have the memory of a goldfish.

Grace: But then Christian and Ana wanted to be alone so we went home.  But – do you know what happened?  I just found out!  Ana gave Christian his present and it was a key chain!

Okay, so this is the keychain I wish she had given him.

Alice:  What a thrill.

Grace: But Alice, on the back of the keychain was the word YES!  She accepted Christian’s proposal as his birthday present!

Alice: Here I was hoping for a funeral, and we get a wedding.*  Crap in a hat.

* I’m still not going to that freaking wedding.

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17 responses

  1. I have somebody you/Speaker 7 could cast for the role of Ana!

    “Ana does have the memory of a goldfish.” is what made me think of that…too bad it would have to rated R-R-R…

  2. Haha, perfect casting there. Too bad there’s not a douchebag fish for Christian . . .

    1. Didn’t one of these have a guest appearance:

      Oh, and also I wanted to share this with you (something intelligent and nicely written though about 50SoG):

      http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/10/bad-romance/309082/

      1. Oh, that was a good article. This entire thing is so bizarre. Here’s James thinking she must be this fabulous writer because she has sold millions of books, not realizing that she’s the fool and not the king no matter how rich she gets. I must thank her, because she’s certainly made my blog, and making fun of her is entertaining if at times brain-melting. It’s just this badness you can’t totally describe, so bad because she is trying so hard to be good. And women feel compelled to say they love it because otherwise they’re just reading it because they can’t figure out how to get real porn. At least I hope that’s why – otherwise it means there really are people stupider than James – that is, people who honestly like what she writes.

        I worry for the upcoming election.

        1. I think the bar was lowered drastically by the Twilight series (I’ve only read a sample that a book dealer snuck into my plastic bag once, but I think that makes me an expert). And I do wonder if the ladies are just hungry for some porn, but don’t know how/where to get it.

          I worry about the upcoming election either way, but you’re right, this might tell us that a large part of the citizenry is trapped in the mind of a 13 year old (all of them in the same one).

          1. I bet anything Palin is a fan of 50 Shades.

          2. Hey, if it keeps her from running for office…send one to Michelle Bachmann!

  3. I wondered why Christian was so weird about Jose and Ana getting it on if he was gone for two minutes. But now I realize he had good reason, Ana has the memory of a goldfish!
    Oh and I love the Official Charlie Tango fire extinguisher! Hilarious!

    1. Grey Enterprises Inc Etc swears by Hello Kitty safety products.

  4. I like how the Roz-wearing-heels is a big point because women are all awful, right?

    1. Of course! Unless it’s Ana wearing the six inch heels and yet not falling despite being pathologically clumsy.

  5. How dare Ros wear heels. Women!!! There is actually one sentence in that chapter that made me cry. Ana thinks about calling her parents and she thinks that Ray won’t be emotional coz he never gets emotional “even when the Mariners lose”. That is a great sentence. Too good for e l James. That book should not have anything good said about it. Ever

    1. Ray is too good a character for the book, which is why he is almost never mentioned. And the heels thing really got me. Like wtf, why did she not take the heels off? For some weird reason Christian has taken his shoes off. That’s never explained. I guess it’s cause his sexy feet attracted truck drivers or something.

  6. Oh, I thought that you had resurrected the crackwhore, CHristian’s biological mother.

    1. She would have been a more interesting character. Even dead.

  7. Memory of a goldfish…Baaaaaahhaaaaaa. Oh did I forget to eat today, again?

    Also you are going to wedding, do you think it will be at the parent’s house like Twilight? oh I hope Ana thinks the dress is too much and well well…that’s all I got.

    1. Oh I’m sure it will just be too much, so much she’ll have to tell everyone just how much it cost and the designer and how there are 5 billion diamonds stitched into the fabric and it somehow fits her perfectly and she looks like a movie star even though she really thinks she’s a troll despite every man drooling all over the place like even the preacher who probably will just stand there slack jawed unless Christian decides that’s not safe and has a woman do it who will then have orgasms over Christian instead until they finally decide to get Ros cause only lesbians are smart enough not to care for either of them.

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