50 Shades Dumber’s Final Interview: Kate

Crap.  I don’t get this book.  I mean, we’ve taken care of Leila (I miss her so) and Snidely Hyde.  Our oh-so-dramatic did Christian go boom-boom plot was resolved in one chapter.  Ana has agreed to marry Captain Asshole.  So why, why, WHY are there still three chapters?  What important shit could be left? 

Answer?  NONE.  In fact, I can sum up the next two chapters in a couple of paragraphs.

Chapter 20: Christian and Ana have sex in the shower.  Again.  For pages.  And pages and pages and pages.  Ana has breakfast with Jose.  Christian and Jose bond over liking to fish and stalk Ana.  Ana gives Christian a toy helicopter.  But that’s not all!  Just what do you get the man who has everything?  His own stuff put in a box.  No, really.  Nipple clamps, a buttplug, his tie, a key to the playroom, you know, these are a few of his favorite things. That he already owns.  Jeepers, thanks, Ana!

Here’s some of your own crap
gift wrapped!
Happy Birthday, Christian!

Chapter 21: Christian and Ana do it in the playroom.  He puts his finger in her butt and clamps her nips.  I wish I didn’t have to say that last sentence.  And then.  Well, you know what happens next, right?  Emails.  Of course.

This kitten just bought a gun.

Then Ana tells Dad about getting married and finds photos he took of his ex subs in fun poses (Is his finger in their butts?  I don’t want to know.)  Then she tells her mom she’s getting married (that’s what I’d do after finding nudey pics of my fiance’s exes.) And Ana wears a too-short dress and Christian’s madfaced until they do it in his office.  Then she bakes him a cake.  And Kate finds an email about the sex contract and she gets madfaced.

So now we’re to the last chapter.  Chapter 22.  Since Kate is finally back from her eternal trip to Barbados, we’ll interview her.  One last hurrah.  I managed to catch her during a party at Christian’s parents celebrating the engagement.

“How the hell did I get in this damn book?”

Alice: Kate.  Glad to have you back.  How was Barbados?

Kate: Great!  Beaches, boyfriend, and no Ana!

Alice: Does sound like paradise alright.  So it looks like you missed a little in the last two weeks.

Kate: Yes!  I mean, there was some stalker chick and Ana’s boss was all rapey (I figured there was some reason he hired the moron) and suddenly she’s engaged to Elliot’s asshole brother.  That’s a lot.  Glad I missed most of it.

Alice: I wish I had.  So I hear you found an email mentioning the sex contract.

Kate: I did!  And I immediately confronted Ana.

Alice: What did she say?

Kate: Typical.  It was none of my business and all in the past and everything was like, all happily ever after.  And Asshat was hovering over her and he took the email and burned it in the fireplace.  Then he says they’re getting married and I was like, wtf?  And Ana says ignore the whole sex slave thing cause she’s all happy and she didn’t want me to ruin her party and all that.

Alice: Right.  She has her priorities straight, doesn’t she?

Kate: Ugh. She’s such an idiot.  I can’t stand her.

Alice: Then why is she your roommate?

Kate: Oh, you know, I feel sorry for her.  I swear if she looked up in the shower she’d drown, she’s just that stupid. I think the university gave her that English diploma so she’d go away and they wouldn’t get sued for her getting killed on their property.  I mean, really, what the heck can you do with an English degree anyway?

Alice: I have two and I can’t even get a discount on my coffee.

Kate: There you go.  Anyway, I apologized for expressing concern for Ana’s safety, because at this point I just don’t care if she ends up on the six o’clock news, you know? 

Alice: I know exactly.  Anything else happen at the party?

Kate: There were a lot of people there.  Dr. Flynn and his wife showed up.

Alice: Appropriate as always.

Kate: And his assistant Ros – she was the only one not having orgasms over Christian. 

Alice: Really?  A strong woman?

Kate: No, a lesbian.

Alice: Of course.  Stupid me.

Kate: Mrs. Robinson came too.  Elliot told me a little about her.  Apparently she used to do lots of tutoring with Christian all alone at her house for hours at a time.  But he never had homework in his backpack, just buttplugs and stuff.

Backpack’s loaded up with things and knick knacks too.

Alice: That would make me a bit suspicious.

Kate: Yeah, well, Elliot was just glad he was keeping busy away from him.  Christian has been a psychotic asshole since he came to live with them.  Between Christian and that manic Cocker Spaniel sister, it’s amazing Elliot has any sanity left.

Alice: I do feel for him.  Didn’t their parents notice anything was up?

Kate: Those two?  I think they both got lobotomies a while ago.

Alice: That’s starting to sound like a good idea.  So what happened?

Kate: Christian announced the engagement and Mrs. Robinson got her panties in a wad and trapped Ana in a room.  I listened at the door.  She was pissy that Ana was marrying Christian because she thought Christian was hers.

Alice: Oh, good grief. 

Kate: Then Christian burst in and they argued and he said she only taught him to fuck and here’s the best part.  His mom walked in next.  And she finally got a clue.

Alice: Wow.  After only, what, 12 years?  Mom of the year.

Way to go, Grace!

Kate: So they talked and Ana walked off and hung out in his room and Christian came and said he would finally stop hangin’ with his former rapist and she was happy.  And then he told her to eat.

Alice: Oh, I was so afraid we wouldn’t hear that again.

Kate:  And then he took her to a room with flowers and asked her to marry him again and she was so flipping happy.  And so was I.

Alice: Really?

Kate: Well yeah.  Finally I’m rid of the nit wit.  Probably for good.

Alice: Fair point well made, Kate.  Oh shit.  He’s gotten to me too.

Kate: At least this book’s over right?

Alice: Sure except – wtf is this end bit?  It’s not in first person or told by Ana – she can’t freaking do that again!  Arghhhhhh.

Stay tuned next time for my reflections on this fucking book.  Laters.  Shit.  I hate E.L. James.

20 responses

  1. Wow! What an amazing ending…I almost forgot I read it because it was so amazing and, like, wow and stuff. I wonder what’s going to happen in book 3. Wait, did I read book 3?

    1. I think so. There were explosions and Christian trying to stick his peen in Ana one last time – wait, that might have been your hallucinations. If so, I like those better.

  2. You’re not going to torture yourself with book 3 are you?

    1. Of course I am. If Pneumonia can’t kill me, nothin’ can.

      1. That would have been a great quote for the back cover (“50 Shades of Grey – slightly less horrible than pneumonia”).

        1. aliceatwonderland | Reply

          You should get into the tagline business. That one’s great!

  3. Oh please Alice: We all acknowledge that the trilogy sucks but you have to report the last strikes of this endless downward spiral. Do it for your devoted readers.
    BTW: Ana has a degree in English but the only literary work she seems to know of is The COmplete Work by Dickens. She was a dedicated student, wasn’t she?

    1. She also knows Tess of the D’ubervilles or however you say that. I was somehow spared that one in English class. Did you know sales of that book – a classic of all things – have gone way up because of this crappy series? How bizarre is that? I’m telling you, I think the Mayans might have been right after all . . .

      I already have the third book on my Nook and – oh, my – it is just so fabulous I want to hit something. Like James.

      1. I have briefly studied Hardy and Tess in high school (I am Italian) and I found it hilarious when Angel (the heroine’s love interests) is so upset about her situation that he flees to Brazil in despair. That book provides a couple of unexpected and unintentional funny passages, while ms James is no master of irony

        1. aliceatwonderland | Reply

          I wonder if James actually read anything more than the Wikipedia entry on Tess. She doesn’t strike me as much of a literary genius.

          I’m amazed I avoided Hardy, because with a BA and MA in English I certainly encountered a lot of classic crap. I think I have some very brief snarky reviews of some I did read under my book review tab.

          1. some quotes by Keats would have come in handy in the description of the statuesque beauty that the sadistic sociopath seems to possess..

          2. aliceatwonderland

            She also has a soundtrack for the book coming out with the classical music Christian plays while he spanks her and whatnot. I am filled with sad.

  4. Um I have an English degree and well yeah I had to go to grad school but…no you are right it got me crap. Oh and I went to school A LONG time ago back in the old old days and by grad school even I had a fucking computer! I even had an email address in 1995!!!!

    oh sorry. can’t wait for the wedding! I hope Kate wears a super cool dress and her boobs look better than Ana’s! I just read online that they interviewed men who read the book and over half wanted to date Kate! Go Team Kate. Only 10% wanted Ana. I think it was the no gag reflect thing. I think the other guys probably wanted to bang Taylor.

    1. Yeah, I remember using email in 1994 when I started college – it was kinda new fangled to me then, but CRAP that was – sadly a lot of years ago. And my family had a computer when I was a kid. It was an Apple IIc with the memory of your average calculator today, but it was still a damned computer. And my family wasn’t that wealthy. Is there a computer shortage in Britain or something?

      You know Kate’s boobs are gonna look better! I wonder if she’ll get to wear her own plum dress or if Ana has done things to it that even Monica Lewinsky would go “ew” about. I probably wouldn’t want it back myself. Yeah, I could see men wanting to bang Ana cause she’s ready to go in two seconds and goes off like a firecracker no matter what you do, so they can have sex in five minutes in still be considered heroes. And yeah, that lovely no gag reflex. Ana should really consider porn as a career option.

      But as far as dating, at least Kate seems to have brain power, whenever James lets her anyway. So I can see why they’d prefer her over dumbass Ana for the long haul. And I’m with you on the majority wanting Taylor. I mean, if they’re reading this book in the first place, you kind of have to wonder.

  5. I have an English degree, got it in the nineties, I had a computer and I’m British. So it is not a Brit thing – it’s a talentless hack thing.
    I had to study Hardy quite a bit fir my degree and he was actually one of my faves – i couldn’t stand the misery that is Dickens. James has ruined Hardy for me. I hate that woman. I am all sadfaced that James is from my side of the pond – she makes us all look like a bunch of literary ignorants who use funny words.

    1. I am sadfaced that Stephenie Meyer is from our side of the pond. Maybe we could ship them both to Canada?

      I know what you mean about ruining stuff. I haven’t read Hardy, but she used Sting’s music. The great Sting. That made me really madfaced. Also, just what she does to the entire English degree thing. You can’t get through that, heck, you can’t get through regular high school without knowing more than that stupid girl. You certainly can’t get a degree in literature. I doubt James has read much herself. She just name drops impressive sounding stuff and steps back and applauds herself for being smart. I also loved how she just threw in the whole “she speaks Mandarin” thing. Like WTF??? Arghhh.

      Did I mention she has a classical record coming with beautiful music done by great masters that Christian happened to play while spanking the crap out of Ana? The PAIN.

      1. Okay. So she’s ruined literature, classical music and sex. What else could she possibly destroy?

        1. aliceatwonderland | Reply

          Well, the sex toy industry was already pretty messed up, so maybe not that. I did hear (not sure why I keep torturing myself reading this stuff) that she is thinking of writing a YA book. That’s just – so wrong. And I’m not even talking about the sex. The writing – think what it will do to their fragile brains???

      2. Oh great. So she’s ruined literature, ice cream, emails, sex and now classical music. What else can she possibly destroy

    2. I hesitate to even say that. Once I said something about how literature couldn’t get any worse than Twilight, and we got 50 Shades. The karma gods are watching!

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