Crap. I don’t get this book. I mean, we’ve taken care of Leila (I miss her so) and Snidely Hyde. Our oh-so-dramatic did Christian go boom-boom plot was resolved in one chapter. Ana has agreed to marry Captain Asshole. So why, why, WHY are there still three chapters? What important shit could be left?
Answer? NONE. In fact, I can sum up the next two chapters in a couple of paragraphs.
Chapter 20: Christian and Ana have sex in the shower. Again. For pages. And pages and pages and pages. Ana has breakfast with Jose. Christian and Jose bond over liking to fish and stalk Ana. Ana gives Christian a toy helicopter. But that’s not all! Just what do you get the man who has everything? His own stuff put in a box. No, really. Nipple clamps, a buttplug, his tie, a key to the playroom, you know, these are a few of his favorite things. That he already owns. Jeepers, thanks, Ana!
Chapter 21: Christian and Ana do it in the playroom. He puts his finger in her butt and clamps her nips. I wish I didn’t have to say that last sentence. And then. Well, you know what happens next, right? Emails. Of course.
Then Ana tells Dad about getting married and finds photos he took of his ex subs in fun poses (Is his finger in their butts? I don’t want to know.) Then she tells her mom she’s getting married (that’s what I’d do after finding nudey pics of my fiance’s exes.) And Ana wears a too-short dress and Christian’s madfaced until they do it in his office. Then she bakes him a cake. And Kate finds an email about the sex contract and she gets madfaced.
So now we’re to the last chapter. Chapter 22. Since Kate is finally back from her eternal trip to Barbados, we’ll interview her. One last hurrah. I managed to catch her during a party at Christian’s parents celebrating the engagement.
Alice: Kate. Glad to have you back. How was Barbados?
Kate: Great! Beaches, boyfriend, and no Ana!
Alice: Does sound like paradise alright. So it looks like you missed a little in the last two weeks.
Kate: Yes! I mean, there was some stalker chick and Ana’s boss was all rapey (I figured there was some reason he hired the moron) and suddenly she’s engaged to Elliot’s asshole brother. That’s a lot. Glad I missed most of it.
Alice: I wish I had. So I hear you found an email mentioning the sex contract.
Kate: I did! And I immediately confronted Ana.
Alice: What did she say?
Kate: Typical. It was none of my business and all in the past and everything was like, all happily ever after. And Asshat was hovering over her and he took the email and burned it in the fireplace. Then he says they’re getting married and I was like, wtf? And Ana says ignore the whole sex slave thing cause she’s all happy and she didn’t want me to ruin her party and all that.
Alice: Right. She has her priorities straight, doesn’t she?
Kate: Ugh. She’s such an idiot. I can’t stand her.
Alice: Then why is she your roommate?
Kate: Oh, you know, I feel sorry for her. I swear if she looked up in the shower she’d drown, she’s just that stupid. I think the university gave her that English diploma so she’d go away and they wouldn’t get sued for her getting killed on their property. I mean, really, what the heck can you do with an English degree anyway?
Alice: I have two and I can’t even get a discount on my coffee.
Kate: There you go. Anyway, I apologized for expressing concern for Ana’s safety, because at this point I just don’t care if she ends up on the six o’clock news, you know?
Alice: I know exactly. Anything else happen at the party?
Kate: There were a lot of people there. Dr. Flynn and his wife showed up.
Alice: Appropriate as always.
Kate: And his assistant Ros – she was the only one not having orgasms over Christian.
Alice: Really? A strong woman?
Kate: No, a lesbian.
Alice: Of course. Stupid me.
Kate: Mrs. Robinson came too. Elliot told me a little about her. Apparently she used to do lots of tutoring with Christian all alone at her house for hours at a time. But he never had homework in his backpack, just buttplugs and stuff.
Alice: That would make me a bit suspicious.
Kate: Yeah, well, Elliot was just glad he was keeping busy away from him. Christian has been a psychotic asshole since he came to live with them. Between Christian and that manic Cocker Spaniel sister, it’s amazing Elliot has any sanity left.
Alice: I do feel for him. Didn’t their parents notice anything was up?
Kate: Those two? I think they both got lobotomies a while ago.
Alice: That’s starting to sound like a good idea. So what happened?
Kate: Christian announced the engagement and Mrs. Robinson got her panties in a wad and trapped Ana in a room. I listened at the door. She was pissy that Ana was marrying Christian because she thought Christian was hers.
Alice: Oh, good grief.
Kate: Then Christian burst in and they argued and he said she only taught him to fuck and here’s the best part. His mom walked in next. And she finally got a clue.
Alice: Wow. After only, what, 12 years? Mom of the year.
Kate: So they talked and Ana walked off and hung out in his room and Christian came and said he would finally stop hangin’ with his former rapist and she was happy. And then he told her to eat.
Alice: Oh, I was so afraid we wouldn’t hear that again.
Kate: And then he took her to a room with flowers and asked her to marry him again and she was so flipping happy. And so was I.
Kate: Well yeah. Finally I’m rid of the nit wit. Probably for good.
Alice: Fair point well made, Kate. Oh shit. He’s gotten to me too.
Kate: At least this book’s over right?
Alice: Sure except – wtf is this end bit? It’s not in first person or told by Ana – she can’t freaking do that again! Arghhhhhh.
Stay tuned next time for my reflections on this fucking book. Laters. Shit. I hate E.L. James.