50 Shades Dumber: Reflections on Stupidity

I made it.  Through nausea inducing, irritating, exploding headachy, nasty, awful crap I trudged.  And that was before I contracted Pneumonia.  But I did not give up!  Not even when Hugo the bald, creepy puppet man used his voodoo spells to curse me with eternal bad hair (I do not blame Hugo.  He was no match for 50 Shades.)  No, reader, I charged onward through this crappy book all because of your stats you.  You’re welcome.

It is hard to truly put into words what reading this book is like.  I still think the best comparison is the speed bump.  Imagine that the entire world is one big school zone.  You can only drive 20 mph, must watch out for stray children and SUV driving moms on cellphones and every few feet you hit a speed bump.  BUMP.  E.L. James’s writing is filled with these speed bumps on every single page, heck, in almost every paragraph.  You can be reading the drippy, boring prose but you’re still putting along until BUMP you hit something that makes you either a) roll your eyes b) laugh out loud at the idiocy c) whack your head against something d) curse James or, most often, e) all of the above.

Is this not the most perfect speed bump sign for 50 Shades ever?

There are so many examples of this.  Every time Ana is jealous of anything female, even, I swear to sweet white baby Jesus, Christian’s helicopter, which he calls a “she”.  BUMP. Every time Ana refers to Christian as God’s gift to women.  BUMP. Every time a male lusts after Ana or a female lusts after Christian and the other one gets pissed about it.  BUMP. Every time one of those wonderful, repetitive lines is uttered – “hard, thin line” (bump), “fair point, well made” (bump), “pants hanging that way” (bump), “down there”(bump), “Oh, my”(bump), “Jeez”(bump), “Come, Ana”(bump), and the millions of murmurs, mutters, and sighs (bump, bump, BUMP).  I think my absolute favorite one has to be when Christian refers to himself as the royal “we” as in “We aim to please, Miss Steele.” (bumpity bump bump) Next thing you know, he’ll just start referring to himself in the third person, like Elmo, which makes sense considering he already acts like a two-year-old.  “Ana Mine!  Ana Mine!”

Christian says Ana is his bitch, hee hee hee!

And the heart stopping plots!  Crazy Leila with a gun!  Crazy rapey Jack!  Crazy Mrs. Robinson! Crazy helicopter go boom-boom!  Crazy will they or won’t they have sex in the next two pages cliffhangers!  Crazy house shopping and driving around aimlessly!  Crazy wedding proposals after descriptions of lusting after crack-whore mom look-a-likes!  Crazy pages of absolutely nothing happening but talk talk talk leading nowhere!  Such excitement I nearly wet myself! 

You need one of these to get through this series.

And just when you think you can’t take anymore, there are the EMAILS!  BUMP!

Brain bleach kitty, I weep for you.

But oddly enough, the thing that really makes my mind reel, starting in book two, is the  abrupt change in point of view for only a few paragraphs.  Twice.  Just WTF, James?  You decided to write in first person.  There are limitations to that, as in, you only know what the main character is thinking, which is even more limiting if that character is a gold-fish brained bitch like Ana.  But still, you made your bed, so freaking lie in it.  You don’t get to suddenly have it in third person from the point of view of four-year-old Christian because you want to – it doesn’t work that way.  It’s confusing and stupid. 

When E.L. James started writing, that’s when.

50 Shades Dumber opens with poor widdle Christian, crack-whore mommy, and a pimp from the movie “Pulp Fiction”.  There’s no real reason for this, except I guess for you to feel sorry for Christian being used as an ash tray, but we already knew that, so why?  I mean, there are other ways she could have conveyed the same scene without switching the point of view like that.  But no, there it is, standing out like a big, freaking speed BUMP and the story has only just opened.

This book should carry this warning on every page.

The second instance of this comes in the last page of 50 Shades Dumber.  This time we’re thrust into third person so we can see Snidely sitting outside nefariously plotting the doom of Christian while smoking, rubbing his hands together, and cackling with glee.  Of course it doesn’t say it’s Snidely, we’re just supposed to guess.  Gee, who could possibly want to destroy Christi-poo and Ana-kins who could have been arrested but was just plopped in a cab instead?  I can’t figure it OUT.  HELP ME.  This passage made me madder than the rest of the book combined because it’s just so wrong.  I mean, you learn about this crap in freaking high school English here.  Did James go to high school?  How bad are British schools, cause I thought Americans kinda had the sorry school system market cornered.  Just – arghhhhh.

See this chart? SEE IT???

Okay, better now.  And I’m all ready for book three, which I have been warned is the worst one yet.  I’ve read Speaker’s recaps, and all I can remember is a picture of a blue bunny on a waterski.  I think that should be on the cover instead of the handcuffs, personally.  It’s much more visually interesting.  Maybe Goofy will release her memoirs soon, so we can read something that’s actually good.  I hear she might consider it once she’s done with her stint on Bachelor Pad.

Look closely and you can see a blue bunny in a bikini.

Since I’ve interviewed most of the stupid characters from the book with 50 Shades Dumber, I’ll have to try something else for book three.  I’m thinking more bitchy reviews but this time with pictures harvested from Google images and my own nefarious mind on Paint.  Possibly some multiple choice quizzes will be involved, because I love taking moronic quizzes like in Cosmo.  I’ve also considered a “choose your own adventure” style, except that I’m pretty sure everyone would choose “they blow up all over the place” every time, and we wouldn’t get very far into the story.  Unless they were to become zombies.  Actually, that would kind of rock, except I’d feel sorry for the other zombies.  I will have to think on this.  Should you have any suggestions, feel free to add them in the comment section below.

Just kidding – I do want your input.

Also, another thank you for all the well wishes and pleas to aliens and whatnot for my recovery from 50 Shades of Pneumonia.  They were much appreciated.  I love you all.


16 responses

  1. Hmm. It’s hard to think of a suggestion because the third book is really the worst of the worst. I almost didn’t make it. It might be nice to give readers a chance to decide their fate even if it will always result in painful deaths. I know it will make me feel better. Or maybe you can have people vote on the worst sentence in a passage? Good luck.

    1. 50 Shades of death for Ana and Christian has a nice ring to it. I certainly enjoyed your exploding pics on your recraps even if, sigh, they were not real.

  2. I like the moronic quiz idea. The third one really is the worst of the cesspool trilogy.

    1. So I hear. I actually made it through what I guess is the first chapter and . . . WTF. This is going to definitely generate moronic quizzes.

  3. Quizzes are fun but I hate in cosmo when I have to add crap up. Why did A get 4 points on this one and zero on question 19? we have a lot of flashbacks in the beginning and I think flashbacks in the flashbacks of the goddess or some crap!

    My suggestion? Contests. People love to win crap. Even made up crap and fake honorary things. How do you do a contest for this? Well Alice you are the genius so I
    leave it up to you.

    1. Cosmo should really not challenge readers with Math. I can’t imagine there being many mathematicians that read that mag. I know I can’t get anywhere without a calculator and have to resist telling Thing Two, the 3rd grader, to just use a bloody calculator.

      Yes – I just read through a couple of flashbacks. That was weird. I figured she’d spend oodles of time on the stupid wedding, instead it’s back and forth crap-o-la.

      I like the contest idea. As you know I love made up crap and fake honorary things. Genius Alice will have to think on this. She has a LOT of crap to give.

  4. Zombies make all boring cruddy literature better.
    I do think you should take a break and read something actually entertaining and decently written first. There are a few out there, I promise.

    1. So I’ve heard. Actually I started reading a book by another blogger, Carrie Rubin. It’s a medical thriller about people catching deadly lung diseases and – wait, maybe that’s not the best thing for me to read right now. It IS great so far though. I will probably download the whole thing soon.

  5. Wow, they should totally have Elmo play Christian in the movie.

    Anyway, I like the zombie idea. You wouldn’t have to stop at zombies. You could make Christian, like, a vampire or something, and maybe make some other friend of Ana’s a werewolf. Wait — why does that sound familiar?

    1. Elmo is a definite second should Hugo the freaky bald puppet flee the country or be arrested or something. I mean, he has the unruly red hair down for sure.

      I don’t know why that’s familiar. It’s almost like someone wrote a stupid bestselling book about that. Huh. You know, I love vampires and werewolves and I’ve even written a book or two (they need polishing and / or finishing) featuring them that while not Pulitzer, are at least better Twilight or 50 Shades, which I admit is not the best endorsement there. At least my vampires do not sparkle.

  6. I like the quizzes idea and the contest one is pretty cool too. Or you can turn Christian and Ana into one of those fruit flies… You know the kind that live only 24 hours

    1. They live 24 hours so I guess they have to mate like crazy the whole time, huh? That would be perfect. I mean the last book took place in like 2 weeks, and the first book was, what, a week maybe? So it’s been 3 weeks and the twit is getting married to the psycho. What could possibly go wrong?

      1. Oh so many things. Not least the death of the English language as we know it

    2. She should just write the next one in text format. I’ve heard students are doing that in their English papers now. I am so glad I got out of teaching Freshman comp before the big texting craze. OMG!

  7. You are a brave soul, facing the prospect of Book Three, and so soon after coming home from the hospital. Are you sure that’s not what sent you there in the first place?

    1. Brave or stupid. You make a good point. It’s possible 50 Shades infected me, although I think normally it attacks the brain tissue rather than the lungs. At least it hasn’t affected my brain skl;ji9 kl;ski hwi;e

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