50 Shades Flunked: Back to School

Welcome back to Snark School, loyal readers, for 50 Shades Flunked Freed!

I have decided to switch things around a bit.  I will still give my snarky recaps, but have decided to add a point system for all the irritating stuff we have come to expect from these stupid books.  At first I thought about a drinking game, but then realized I would be responsible for the alcohol poisoning of all my loyal readers.  This should be safer, and I think it will be fun to grade James since she obviously has never gone to school ever.  Here’s how it works.  There may be additions / changes as needed.

We’re keepin’ score, kiddies!

Everytime one of these actions occurs, there will be 2 points off.  Like basketball, only in reverse, and much less squeaky. 

Plot (hahaha) Points

Red Flag (Every time Christian acts like an abusive asshole)

Ana Fail (Every time Ana acts like an idiot, a bitch or a spineless twit)

Sexy Times (Every time they have sex, talk about having sex, or have stupid foreplay)

Email Abuse (Every time they freaking email each other)

AliceRage (when something pisses Alice off)

FacePalm (when something makes Alice say D’oh)

BoredNow (when Alice is rendered near comatose by nothing happening)

WTF (when Alice can’t figure out wtf just happened)

The points will be subtracted from 100, and a grade given for each chapter.  Also there will be tests for the readers as well, but they will be fun.  For instance:

Prediction Multiple Guess Quiz (wherein readers guess what will happen in the next chapter)

Question One: What will happen in Chapter One?

A. There is a long, drawn out description of the whole wedding including Ana’s dress, how much it cost, the number of sequins, and the fancy pants designer as well as a description of the entrees, the preacher’s entire speech, all of Ana and Christian’s sappy vows, and every single person attending and what they’re wearing.

B. There are a bunch of stupid, confusing flashbacks to stuff that hasn’t happened.

C. Leila shows up at the wedding with a gun and shoots Christian and Ana, but has four bullets left, so also shoots Christian’s dippy sister Mia, Dr. Flynn, Jose, and Mrs. Robinson, thus taking care of several obnoxious characters at once.  She is awarded a medal of honor.

Put your prediction (A, B, or C) in the comments below.  The answer will be revealed in the next exciting post, as well as a recap of the first crappy chapter! 

Also, there was a request for a contest, so here goes.  Whoever gets the answer right will receive a smiley face.  Whoever gets it wrong will get the dreaded frowny face.  At the end of this book – I’m assured it eventually ends – tally up your happy faces and whoever has the most, or has continued to count or whatever, will receive AliceBling.  Who can resist that?   Class starts next time – don’t be tardy!

22 responses

  1. I know what happens in the first chapter, but I’m still picking C as my answer.

    1. I fantasize about C a lot. A lot a lot.

  2. I read all of Speaker 7’s recaps, and I think the answer is B, but knowing James, it’s probably A.

    1. She is awesome at that oh-so-necessary description.

  3. I feel I need to read these books, just to keep up with all these blog posts on them. Then again–Nah!

    1. I was the same way! And then . . . the horror. Speaking of, still going through your book and CRAP you know how to keep the tension and mystery up. And it’s like, actual real tension, not like omg there’s a girl hunting us so let’s go hang out in the open. I would probably be finished, but I like to read at night, and frankly it scares the hell out of me. In a good way. Unlike 50 Shades.

      1. Glad to hear it! Well, not the “scares the hell out of” you part (although I kind of like that, too 😉 ), but that you’re enjoying it. 🙂

  4. C! Oh man, I read the books, I wish it was C.
    I wonder how many chapters will get negative points

    1. I was going to go with 5 points at first, and immediately it was negative, so I reduced it to two. Good thing cause I have a bad feeling we’re on a downhill slide from here. Here being chapter one.

  5. Haven’t read the books, but have read all the recaps, so though I wish it was C, i’ve gotta go with A

    1. I still think it’s totally possible. I mean, we know how easily she can 1) get out of a mental hospital 2) buy a gun and 3) break into Christian’s house. Go, Leila, Go!

  6. I’ve read the books… heaven help me so I’m gonna either a) cheat or b) fantasise. Oh hell I’m gonna stick with the fantasy. C let it be C. On the other hand I really want Alice bling so I might have to employ deviant tactics

    1. Alice welcomes deviant tactics, especially if it involves tripping a clown. She is not above her own Hunger Games scenario in which bloggers beat each other up for a chance at some bling. Just kidding. That would be interesting though.

  7. B? Contests yeah!

    1. I might have a slight addiction to contests. People need more contestssss! Wait, maybe not. I might not ever leave the computer then.

  8. I too would go with Option C. Meanwhile if you were to turn this into a drinking game where you had to chug when any of those actions took place, you’d be wasted by the end of the first page.

    1. Possibly by the end of the first paragraph.

  9. A has a whiff of correctness to it, but C would be much more interesting. Flashbacks to stuff that hasn’t happened? Wouldn’t those be flashforwards? Wouldn’t put it past James to think she was clever by using some of those. Still, A is the most boring, so it’s got to be the answer.

    1. Boring is usually a safe thing to go with concerning James. Also disturbing and stupid. I still can’t figure out how this got past any editor. Did they even look at it? They couldn’t possibly have looked at it. There’s just no way.

  10. I’m going with B.
    Having known Alice since…a long, long time ago, I feel compelled to reveal that she used to make up quizzes for me about Star Trek (and vice versa, but she was better at it), back in junior high.

    You should do some true/false questions. Or matching!

    1. Ha, I remember those! They were fun. I’m weird about liking to take tests. Not so much about studying or the grades, just taking random quizzes. True / False and matching are good ideas! Just thinking of all the fun, nightmarish stuff I can drag up from school makes me giddy.

  11. […] 50 Shades Flunked: Back to School – I grade E.L. James on her third book.  Not pretty. (12/10/15) […]

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