50 Shades Flunked: Lesson One

Before we can get to chapter one, we have a prologue.  And I’m so excited, because once again James has decided to change point of view for just one page!  It’s a third person nightmare about four-year-old Christi-poo and dead crackwhore mom.  He eats frozen peas and Pulp Fiction Pimp beats him up.  Then Christian wakes up from his nightmare (but we don’t) and Ana says it’s okay and he realizes he’s in bed with that nit wit and he starts screaming all over again.  Just kidding.  She comforts him with her vagina and all is well.  It’s a good thing I’m not scoring the prologue.  This beginning doesn’t bode well for James’ transcript, you guyz. 

On to Chapter One.  I bet you thought there was going to be a long drawn out wedding right?  Wrong!  Frowny face for you guys. 

Losers*

Also, sadly, there was no gunfire, though I still hold out hope.  No, the answer was (B) flashbacks.  Congrats to you who guessed right!  Smiley Face!

Whoop-De-Shit

That’s this whole chapter – flashbacks.  If it keeps up, I may have to add a deduction for those as well. 

It starts with Ana on her honeymoon on a beach in France.  She’s laying out catching some Melanoma rays.  But after a couple of paragraphs, (cue the wavy lines) we go back to the boathouse, where Christian proposed again and they had sexy times, and Christian is nagging Ana about wedding dates. (-2 BoredNow).  It only lasts another couple of paragraphs, then Christian’s waking Ana up, and forcing her out of the sun for her own good and whining about her wearing so little clothing (-2Red Flag).  I mean, really, who wears a swimsuit on the beach? They call each other “Mr. Grey” and “Mrs. Grey” over and over (-2FacePalm) and then he tosses her into the ocean, yanks her ponytail and sticks his tongue down her throat in front of everybody (-2 Sexy Times).  Ana wants him to just do her right there (-2 FacePalm, -2 Ana Fail) but he tosses her aside.  Madfaced, Ana decides she will show Mr. Psycho by sunbathing topless (-2 FacePalm, -2 Ana Fail) because that’s a good idea considering he freaked over the bikini alone.

Stupid Even For Ana

She falls asleep and we get ANOTHER flashback (-2 BoredNow) this time to the wedding.  Christian kisses Ana as they’re pronounced husband and wife and whispers crude crap (still in front of the preacher) and makes her all hot and bothered (-2 Sexy Times).  He orders her not to take off the wedding dress for going away clothes because only he can take off her dress (-2 Red Flag) and Ana thinks he looks . . . dashing (-2 FacePalm).  Shockingly Ana only briefly describes the wedding location, at Christian’s house of course (this is not like Twilight at all, you guyz).  Then she worries that maybe she’s married too fast, and I’m like, you think? (-2 FacePalm) but soon she forgets about it (-2 Ana Fail). 

Spines are highly overrated.

Christian wants to leave the wedding early cause he’s an asshole (-2 Red Flag) but Ana is forced to dance w/ his so old grandfather (-2 Ana Fail) and Jose acts like a desperate fop as usual.  Ana tells Mom she can’t change cause Christian told her not to (-2 Red Flag) and her mother actually points out she doesn’t have to obey him (SHOCK).  Christian whisks her away then to his jet that apparently has an entire house inside (-2 WTF).  Ana notices the flight attendant is a pretty brunette and is bitchy madfaced (-2 Ana Fail) and there’s boring talk (-2 BoredNow) and they go back and have Sexy Times (-2 Sexy Times) with more of that flipping I.love.you.so.much crap (-2 FacePalm) and Christian says she belongs to him again (-2 Red Flag)

Thanks for living down to our expectations, Christian

Then flashback over when Christian wakes her up by screaming at her (-2 Red Flag) because she’s showing off her boobs to everybody.  End chapter.

 -48 points for a score of 52 or as we like to say in real English classes:

Note: It is possible probable I added incorrectly.  I’m an English major, not a Math major.  And it’s like, my test.

Question Two: What happens in Chapter 2?

  1. Christian trusses Ana up like a stuck pig and fucks her till she screams.  Romance!
  2. The yacht blows up, sending Christian and Ana chunks across the ocean blue.
  3. Ana shows a spine for a few seconds and tells Christian she can dress how she wants, but then remembers she has no self-respect or brain power and goes back to normal. 

Good luck, and may the odds be evah in your favor.  Speaking of, wouldn’t it be great if we could put Christian and Ana in the Hunger Games?  And they both died horrible deaths?  And then they brought them back to life and killed them all over again?  Stay tuned!

*I got frowny faces in preschool.  Nothing like making a four-year-old feel like a loser.  F-you, former teachers.

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22 responses

  1. I think this is a trick question because if I remember correctly the answer is 1 but option 3 happened in 50 shades dumber. Ana’s confusion might be rubbing off on u. I worry

    1. I don’t confusion to have. Although while I’m reading, I could swear I’ve seen this all done before. And not just in Twilight, I mean in another of her books. Or sometimes in the same book. Or even in the same damn chapter.

  2. I would like to subtract an additional 10 points for every time Christian touched Ana’s privates and said “Mine.”

    1. If we do that we’d be in so much negative equity that even Christian would need to file for bankruptcy

      1. I would love to see that. Could you imagine asshole trying to survive without money? OMG, that is like the HOTTEST hobo I have ever seen!

    2. That’s excellent. Also for when he sticks his finger up her hoo-ha. Is he plugging a leak? Well, considering the tampon thing oh God no no no no.

  3. Oh! Oh! 2! 2! Please make it be 2!

    1. I do like the image of floating Ana and Christian pieces. I could just see his massive package floating along all by itself, and people gazing in wonder as it washed ashore.

  4. I heard someone comment recently that they just finished reading the last of these three books and thought they were so good. Hearing things like that and then reading things like your funny post tell me that my definition of good may differ from this other sweet soul’s. 🙂

    1. I . . . I just don’t understand these people. It’s like – are you SURE you read the same book?

    2. I like how you say “sweet souls”. Are you from the south? Where “Bless her heart” really means “stupid bitch”?

      1. Bless E.L. James’s heart!

      2. Haha. I’m not from the south, but whenever my husband does something dumb, I do say, “Bless his little heart.” 🙂

  5. I like the hunger games idea! A one time death is not good enough for them!

    1. I know. I’m thinking tracker jackers and then fire. Or tracker jackers and fire and then arrow through the forehead. Oh, gosh, there’s just so many to try!

  6. Ugh, I just lost the comment I was leaving . . .

    Anyway, I was saying that the answer can’t be “b.” You can’t have flashbacks to something that’s never happened. If there’s a flashback, it has to have happened, just not “on-screen,” so to speak. Semantics, my friend. See, I’m the queen of overanalysis. 😉

    I’m going with “c,” since Ana seems to occasionally attempt to have a spine until Christi-poo whips her back into her role as submissive sex slave. (Pun intended.)

    1. Very appropriate pun there. And I understand overanalysis as lookie, I’m on book three of this crap! But nothing works as it should in E.L.’s universe – she lives in bizarro world where college students don’t understand computers and everyone recognizes random billionaire business jerks.

    1. Hello, Ravin! Thanks for playing. We need to chat soon. And I miss that baby too much (sister is a hoot too)!

  7. I know what happens, but I vote for 2 anyway.

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