Obligatory Search Terms Post

I’ve seen some other blog posts detailing the interesting, odd, and sometimes just plain disturbing search terms that people use to find your blog.  These search terms are handily gathered by WordPress on the Stats page (that I know none of you ever look at, right?)  I figured I’d give mine a look-see, even though with some of my content (cough, 50 Shades of crap, cough) I was somewhat nervous.  Here are 20 of my most interesting / odd / disturbing results starting with the most used first.

1.      aliceatwonderland

This is actually comforting, because 17 times someone found my blog by actually putting in my name.  At least I think they did.  It’s possible they don’t know the real title to Alice in Wonderland.  Either way, I’ll take it.

They like me, Pinky! They really like me! Or maybe just buttplugs!

2.      ana wants beat because she is wet

Yeah.  Um, this one was used four different times.  Either there are four somewhat icky people, or one person who was interested enough in the topic to use this term four times and find me every time.  I thought about trying to find myself with this, and then decided it wouldn’t be worth the computer STDs I would get in return.

3.      cancer weekly horoscope

I have a suspicion they found dove candy wrapper fortunes a little odd.  Then again, we’re talking people who read horoscopes, so maybe it was right on the money.  This one came up four times.

4.      the blue paw print is a “blues’s clues”, telling you this object is important in some way.

Well, I did do a snarky children’s tv review of Blue’s Clues, but it’s weird that this exact term was used three times.  Then again, the concept is pretty hard for Joe, so maybe it is for others as well.

I bet it was these guys using that search term.

* The rest of these got 1 hit a piece, although I have grouped similar ones together with a /.

5.      reviews of 50 shades of alice

There are fifty shades of me?  I probably reached several of those while I was sick.

6.      fifty shades of crap

I like that one just because.

7.      san franco ca.free things for people on SSI

Fairly certain I have never written about this topic, but maybe I missed something.

8.  50 shades buttplug scene / 50SoG buttplug / butt plugs / glass bling butt plug

I’m so proud of this

9.  horse tail buttplug sex pics

 This I’m a little disturbed about.

I’m just thinking of this pony, okay?

10.  riding crops

I wonder if they were looking for actual riding equipment there.  If so, oopsie.

11.  why fifty shades of grey makes women mad at their husbands

Because their husbands don’t beat them like Christian does?  I dunno.

12.  dragon playroom

The Red Room O’ Pain suddenly got more interesting.

13.  coo coo ca choo alice

This one is my absolute favorite.

14.  alice mon crack

Am I a Jamaican druggie?

Try some, it’s totally cool, mon.

15.  infantilize children lazy

Huh?

16.  whore mommy / whore mom / mommy whore

So sweet!

17.  50Sog tampon / 50 SoG ice cream

I’ll take what does Christian put in and take out of Ana for 200, Alex

18.  ana steele even stupider in 50 Shades Darker

Bingo!

19.  inner goddess balls

I’d like to see those

Sooo . . . this on some vaginal balls? Maybe?

20.  french canadian clown / a clown eating pictures

Oh, Le Clown, you do inspire!  Others to my blog.  Thanks.  They might go to you looking for buttplugs now, though, so I’d keep an eye on your search terms.

This has been quite the experience delving into the pit of scum and villainy that is the Internets.  And my readers!  People love me, they really do!  Also buttplugs.  And horse sex pics.  I’m going back to the My Little Pony pic now.

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50 responses

  1. Alice,
    Clowns. French Canadian Clown… And what if I was a mime? Has anyone ever asked me yet?
    Le Clown

    1. Le Clown,
      Pfft. There is no way you’re a mime. Mimes are freaking quiet.
      Alice

    2. I wish there was a like button for this reply.

      1. Lulu,
        Hi!
        Le Clown

        1. See, you’re not a mime after all!

          1. Lulu,
            On Saturday mornings, I am a negligent blogger/dad.
            Le Clown

          2. Le Clown,

            On Saturdays and Sundays, I’m the absent neurotic blogger that checks stats and watches them plummet. LOL.

            Lulu

  2. I feel SO much better about constantly getting ‘heidi klum in diapers’ now!!

    1. Fascinating stuff isn’t it? Who would want to see . . . yeah I guess the same ones that are getting hot over pony butt plugs.

    2. Wow, you make me seriously feel better about my search terms! People are strange!!!

      1. I know. Just read 50 Shades and they come pouring in. E.L. James must be so proud. Actually, I bet she is, the freak.

        1. I saw that in the store the other day, and I wanted to read it soooo bad. I’ll pick it up eventually, I’m sure.

  3. Yes, writing about 50 shades does lead to some pretty fantastic search terms. One of my favorites has been “chicken butt plugging.”

    1. Maybe that’s how people practice? You have to feel for the chicken.

      1. Lol… “you have to feel for the chicken”…I’m sure you do!
        Ugh, sorry.

  4. #14 made me spit the water I was drinking out! Too funny!

    1. Some of them really do make me shake my head. I also loved the coo coo ca choo one, since that was what I had crazy Leila say once, and she is totally my favorite character.

  5. I do watch my stats quite often :). A very interesting page.

    1. Yes it is. The pony butt plug sex one was truly epic. And creepy.

  6. much more interesting than mine! maybe I should start to write about fifty shades 😛

    1. Interesting, creepy, take your pick. I’m not sure if you should read 50 Shades. Toby might see it and decide to eat it and then get sick. 😀

  7. Writing about sex or nudity will do crazy things to your SEO search terms. My top search terms are Ingrid Bergman nude, Ingrid Bergman fake nekked, and every other misspelling imaginable. I also get some really wild stuff combined with lunchmeat, “like sweating over lunchmeat”, making me wonder what the hell people do with their sandwiches…

    1. When a person loves a sandwich very, very much . . .

  8. Horse tail buttplug sex pics is my favorite! Wait, I mean………you know what I mean.

    1. I wonder if the person ever found what he/she/it was looking for?

  9. Horsetail butt plug is just brilliant. Until I read your post I didn’t know you could see this on the stats page. So obviously I went to check. I am now the proud referrer of “vibrations in my uterus, stork sex tube, my husbands hunting is hurtful” and most bafflingly “porn stork pool.” People just have way too much time on their hands.

    1. Oh, hahahahaha! Quit writing your nasty stork porn!

  10. Oh, yes, you opened yourself up to a world of search-term hurt when you started posting on 50 Shades. 🙂

    Your #14 made me laugh out loud. So funny. Oh, and by the way, for some reason, my stats page is all screwed up. Can’t view it–can only see stats on my WP phone app, though this doesn’t give the full story. It’s probably just as well.

    1. There is always something screwed up. Mostly WP won’t let me “like” some posts (it wants me to look like a jerk) and it won’t let me reply (there’s that little swirly wait, wait, wait, I forgot what I was doing thing). And sometimes it gets all jerky when I’m trying to post. These are a few of my favorite things . . .

  11. #14, ohmigod! HAHA! What’s scary is there are MULTIPLE people searching for these things. WHY?!

    1. Oops, I was trying to comment and I clicked unfollow but then I immediately clicked follow again. Oh, FINALLY you work, WordPress. BAH. “Twould never unfollow Jen.

      And as far as WHY I would guess the same reason there are people who read 50 shades and enjoy it.

  12. Hah–I was just thinking about doing a found poem on my search terms, just for the heck of it. Now I am going to do it 😉

      1. I am reading the search terms and laughing my a$$ off right now.

  13. You are one of the last persons I’d ever have thought my mental map would ever associate with buttplugs. The internet is a baaad influence.

    1. Don’t forget pony sex pics.

  14. What an interesting idea! 😉

    I must say “male torture” is still one of my favorites on my list. I get a hit on this term much too often.

    1. Haha! I am wondering where the book is where the woman ties up the man. Except then she’d probably just use the opportunity to talk to him. Or she wouldn’t tie him up at all but compel him to do the laundry or something else she didn’t want to do. But not sex. I mean, that’s usually available.

      Can you tell I’ve been married 13 years? 😀

  15. Personally, I’m digging the whore mommy one. What is that all about?!

    1. That’s Christian’s “pet name” for his birth mother. Nice, huh?

      1. Nice! I guess everyone has to have a pet name for their mom. Mine’s “Boozin'”. LOL.

  16. Oh, and my personal favorite of mine is “crackhead girl”. WTF?

    1. I know! You have to wonder (1) what’s going through their heads and (2) how the hell did they use that to get to our sites? Lol.

      1. I’m so confused about the crackhead one. I mean, I know that some of them are relevant, like Armageddon and whatnot. But stuff about crackheads? I don’t recall writing that at all.

    2. I don’t recall writing anything about free stuff for SSI either. Weird.

  17. 50 Shades of Alice sounds like the worst crossover ever (“Well! I’ve often seen a butt without a plug,” thought Alice; “but a plug without a butt! It’s the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!”).

    1. Ha! I did a like for that comment.

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