50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Two

Before I even begin, may I just say this chapter was a buttload of . . .

This cat knows what it’s talking about.

I mean, I just, what, I can’t, why, I don’t even, fuck, fuck, fuck.  I think that about does it.

First off, I suppose you probably figured out that (B) The yacht blew up, was not the right answer, but kudos to any who answered that out of spite.  Also, those who selected (C) Ana shows a spine for five seconds, are also wrong.  Frowny Face.

So, yes, that means that (A) Christian trusses Ana up like a stuck pig, is correct.  Happy Face for you, which might be the last happy face you ever make.  That bodes so well for the rest of this recap, doesn’t it?  SIGH.  Let’s get to it.

Chapter Two opens with Christian flipping out because Ana has been showing off her boobies to, like, security, and the rest of the beach, and OMG possibly the paparazzi!  ( Red Flag) Wait a minute.  I mean, I get that she’s showing off on the beach, although she points out that so is every other woman, but you know Ana’s a speshul freaking snowflake, so I’m sure her boobs are rounder and pointier and sparklier than everyone else’s.  But even then, I don’t get why the paparazzi would give a shit.  I mean, he’s a businessman, not an actor, a famous athlete, or a freaking prince.  No one should care that much about this guy.  So he’s rich.  A lot of people are rich.  Big fucking deal.  The paparazzi have their hands full what with all the talentless reality TV stars they have to trail.  There’s no time for stupid talentless businessmen.  He also adds that her speshul boobies might be on the cover of Star!  This is just ridiculous. (FacePalm, WTF).

Papparazi are also chasing this chick.

So Christian is pissy with Ana and an asshole to the innocent waiter (Red Flag) and Ana’s wondering why Christian didn’t see the funny side (Ana Fail) of her little stunt.  GEE, ANA, I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because you married a freaking psychopath you moron!  Sheesh.  He drags Ana off, and we meet Taylor’s two new sidekicks since Ryan and Reynolds had to go make an awful Green Lantern movie together.  And get this – the names of the two new sidekicks are Phillipe and Gaston, and they’re, like, twins.  Gaston?  Really?  E.L., you just got through watching Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, didn’t you?  Gosh, that’s so freaking clever (FacePalm). 

Holy Crap, Belle, this book is filled with porn!

Christian and Ana get on the Jet Ski and Ana thinks yippee this is so much fun zooming around like a twelve-year-old even though Christian’s planning to kill her when he gets to the boat.  Wheee! (FacePalm)  They get to the boat and have drinks (I could have taken points for alcohol abuse too, but really, she’s doing badly enough already).  So Christian brags about how he got his boat from this British knight whose grandpa opened a grocery store and whose daughter is like married to a crown prince of Europe and if you believe that I’m like freaking Queen Elizabeth II (FacePalm).  They discuss how badly Christian is going to punish Ana.  You know, romantic honeymoon talkies. (Red Flag, Sexy Times)

Thinking about this makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, like this little guy.

Christian reminds Ana that she’s stinking rich, so she should get used to throwing money away on useless shit, and I’m reminded of why we should totally offer tax breaks to our unfortunate top one percent in this country. (AliceRage)  And Ana drifts off into ANOTHER flashback, and yes, looks like I’m going to have to come up with points off for the flashbacks.  At least there hasn’t been an email yet.  Thank all that is holy for small favors.  This one’s all about them arguing over whether Christian should make Ana sign a prenup agreement and Christian gets all madface and why the fuck should we care about this? (BoredNow)  I do love it when Ana points out to Christian that “you know I might do something exceptionally stupid”.  I have to give her that one.

Yup. That’s Ana.

Ana comes back to reality (She should probably get this drifting off business looked at.  Maybe she’s having mini seizures from some brain injury.  That would explain a lot.) and Christian orders Ana not to pee.(WTF)  Not . . . pee?  Oh, sweet Jesus, I DO NOT want to read any more of this.  I thought this was a hard limit, James!  If Ana pees on Christian, that’s it, I’m . . . actually that would be incredibly amusing, except that he’d probably enjoy it and just, crap, can this book get worse?  Don’t answer that.

Just hold it, Ana, ‘kay?

Ana reflects that she is one lucky girl as Christian gets out the metal handcuffs and the blindfold, that he, you know, just happened to bring with them on their honeymoon. (Red Flag).  He tells her the cuffs can be painful, but he really, really wants to use them on her, so that makes it all okay! (Red Flag)  He trusses her up, I shit you not, like a stuck pig.  Left hand attached to left ankle, right hand attached to right ankle. (RED FLAG) Wow.  Just, that’s so damn romantic.  Anyway, she has to think up a safe word, so she goes with “popsickle” (Facepalm) and off we go! (Sexy Times)

First ice cream, now popsickles. Quit ruining food for me, E.L.!

Christian takes off her bikini and threatens to staple it to her the next day (Red Flag).  I would take him at his word, Ana.  He tells Ana she was disobedient (did she shit on the rug?) and says “I’m going to fuck you until you scream.” (Red flag, red flag, fucking red flag!)  Sorry . . . I lost myself for a minute there.  Must have been that orgasm I just had.  This scene is just so erotic and not at all scary as shit. (AliceRage)

So he slams into her with his massive peen over and over and this sounds pretty damn painful to me, especially considering the way she’s positioned (Red Flag), but Ana is totally into it, of course (Ana Fail).  I hate her.  Christian asks why she defies him (Red Flag) and then commands her to orgasm again, which she does.  I hate him too.  Ana has a death defying orgasm that is probably heard all the way back in America, and it’s finally freaking over.  Ana thinks that this punishment fuck was way cool and that she should totally disobey more often (Ana Fail, FacePalm).  Yeah, it’s so cool, Ana.  Maybe next time while he’s punishing you, he’ll freaking kill you, and then we won’t have to hear your idiot thoughts ever, ever again. (AliceRage) That’s a nice thought.

I thought I’d give you a visual, so you can get the full impact of being trussed up. Sexy, huh?

Ana falls asleep, then wakes up in the morning to go pee (cause he wouldn’t let her before, remember, and like, we need to know whenever she needs to urinate).  But when she looks in the bathroom mirror, she’s like, what did he do to me?  End chapter.

Final Score: 100-58 =42 or . . .

Is there a grade lower than this? Like, say, a G?

Question Three: What’s going to happen in Chapter Three?

A. Ana discovers that she is covered in hickies and bruises and temporarily grows a spine before being sexed into submission by that silly old Christian.

B. Christian has a flashback about crackwhore mom braiding his hair.

C. Taylor, Phillipe, and Gaston handcuff Christian and Ana together, and toss them overboard.  Christian tries desperately to stick his peen in her one last time as they sink to the bottom.

Good luck!  I can’t wait for Chapter Three, because I just know you can’t get any worse than Chapter Two.

50 responses

  1. Okay, I know the answer is A. But please can we change the book and make it C?
    Yep. sweet romantic Christian, trusses up his wife and then brands her. Next, it’s off to market we go …
    Love love love the pic of cat-no-pee. This chapter is the epic fail of all chapters. Severe trauma which has now been dulled by the hilarity of your recap.

    1. I think it would be great if he’d carry her around on a pole like that. Put an apple in her mouth first. Seriously, WHO would like sex like that? Well, I guess E.L. since she says these are her fantasies. EWwww.

      Cat no pee was from a litterbox ad! I love him too. I’m glad to help out with the trauma. 😀

      1. Gives a whole new meaning to the term Kitty Litter

  2. Can it be C? You could totally rewrite this book!

    1. I like this idea. It would be very short.

  3. Don’t worry – there are emails in your future. And yes, it does get worse.

    1. Oh so so much worse. My favourite one is where he punishes her for going out with Kate. Such a gent!!

      1. How DARE she have friends? Then she can’t be with Christi-poo!

    2. I just found them. Damn you, E.L. And chapter 3 makes chapter 2 look like paradise. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

  4. I want to say C, but I’m not so sure I want to hear about romantic Christian trying to desperately to stick his peen in Ana one last time as they sink to the bottom. So B? Baby Christian in braids on the other hand, I think I can handle that.

    1. Me too. I bet she put him in a dress too. That tends to screw people up.

  5. I think I remember it being A (from Speaker 7’s recaps). So I’ll go with A, even though you know I want to go with C 🙂

    And Paparazzi? Seriously? She really put that in there? Wait a second, why am I surprised? It makes no sense, so of course it’s in there! And that position???? Arms and legs shackled together? Sounds so comfy and romantic! I think I’ll go home and try that with my wife tonight! Thank you EL James!

    Thank you for torturing yourself for us! God speed, Alice!

    1. Yes, I love how in book one no one knew who Christian was before the interview, then after EVERYBODY knew about him and wanted in his pants. And yeah, the shackled meat thing, come to think of it, is rather apropos considering Christian thinks she’s his piece of meat. Oh, piece of beguiling meat, I mean.

      And you’re welcome. Thank you for sticking with the recaps. 😀

  6. Too funny! My wife is forcing her way through these books after her sleazy girlfriend yakked it up about how good they were. I’m thankful for so many reasons that she doesn’t really care for them. Love your blog!

    1. Thank you! I’m so glad there are more people like your wife out there. I read good reviews of this crap and my head spins.

  7. B. I see a trend of flashbacks replacing emails as Annoying Plot Device #1.

    1. Not so much Annoying Plot Device, but more pointless … oh so pointless, page fillers.

      1. Oh, yeah, because to be a plot device implies there is a plot.

      2. Pad, pad, pad the book. She had to pad the book to get to the parts that had more padding. (this is a quote I stole from MST3K where they make fun of bad movies, but I think it applies.) Someone needs to tell this woman you don’t have to make a certain word count here. If you have nothing to say, STOP.

        Then we wouldn’t have a book, and wouldn’t that be grand?

    2. There are just SO MANY “plot” devices she uses.

  8. I’ll go for ‘C’ just to put them both out of their misery.

  9. I get the feeling it’s going to be option B, although I was praying for option C…

    P.S. Ana’s boobs are SPARKLY. I think that explains just about everything.

    1. It does, doesn’t it? Guess what else is sparkly?

      1. She keeps a sparkly Trapper Keeper full of sparkly notebooks and pens on her at all time. I refuse to believe anything else. That is probably the real reason the wondrous Christian Grey fell in love with her. He was mesmerized by her sparkly magical pens.

        Anything else, and I will probably vomit.

        1. Ha, you know Ana would have a trapper keeper. She’s so with the times. It would have a Lisa Frank unicorn on it.

  10. I know I’m new to this party, but I’m guessing either A or B are more literary. Option C would kind of end the book and there’s a whole damn trilogy. Which, having just read your summary, I’m probably best off avoiding.

    I mean, if I wanted to read S&M pr0n, there’s stuff on the internet for free which is better written, right? (Not that I want to read any S&M pr0n, and let’s face it, it’s not really what nuns or even trainee nuns, should be reading anyway.)

    1. I guess it depends on the kind of nun you’re talking about. And yeah, I’m pretty sure there has to be better porn out on the net. Her porn either makes me laugh or want to drill my eyes out with a corkscrew.

      1. I’m the sort of nun who doesn’t need to be reaching for the brain bleach! Plus, on a more practical note, reading sexually explicit material kind of goes against the vow of celibacy.

        1. This book goes against all decency period. Everyone should take a vow not to read this stuff.

          1. Please God, yes!! One of the biggest problems to this (and the entire sex industry) is that it gives people unrealistic expectations and ideas about how to be with someone. Read an article in The Times weekend supplement last weekend from a woman who’s taking on the industry with her own website – makelovenotporn – because she’s sick of the chaps she dates only knowing moves they’ve picked up from these websites and only knowing how to act the part instead of just enjoy being with the other person. I mean, the people who are into BDSM are a small percentage of the adult population, right? And while some folks will get turned on by reading this stuff, if you were to actually handcuff them to the bed and try it, I’m pretty sure they’d totally freak out.

          2. It’s one of the things that disturbed me too. People will say “it’s just a book, it’s just fantasy”. But it’s more than that. This has gone mainstream – and it’s not just some bodice ripper. We’re talking actual disturbing glorifications of stuff like anorexia (Ana never eats), emotional manipulation, and spousal abuse. It nauseates me.

            And people do look up to these characters as ideals. All the women who want their man to be Christian Grey? Really? What message does that send to both young men and women? How can women ask for respect when we don’t respect ourselves? I make fun, because it eases my anger, but there are some sections that can make your blood boil. “Please don’t hurt me” is never sexy.

          3. Even her name, Ana, spelt with one “n” – the websites that are run by anorexic people for anorexic people with tips on how to continue to lose weight and avoid being hospitalised, are called pro-ana and the bulemia ones are pro-mia. Just realised that when you mentioned about her not eating.

            I’m all in favour of people doing whatever turns them on in their bedrooms but I totally agree that this book going mainstream is definitely sending the wrong signal to anyone who is even slightly BDSM curious or even just interested in the book because of its porn content.

          4. Yes! I read about that on another blog – Jennifer Armintrout’s I believe. Notice how much attention is paid to Ana never eating PLUS there is also a character named Mia? You could chalk it up to coincidence but she keeps hammering it into your head about the not eating thing. Which I don’t get. She obviously is not anorexic, nor is she young, yet she has her heroine hate eating and hate older people. James has some problems.

          5. She clearly has a completely screwed up idea of what BDSM is all about – if a couple are in a long-term relationship of that style with dedicated master & slave, they do genuinely love each other and they behave that way out of love for each other as each gets a reward from the other’s behaviour. It’s not about bullying or abuse and from the sounds of it, 50 Shades is all about abuse.

            Heck, she’s probably got a screwed up idea about love to write this rubbish in the first place…

            I read a twilight fanfic (I know, I know, it’s sad, I’ll probably do time in purgatory for it) called “all of me” which was about the BDSM lifestyle and that put it in a reasonable context because while the Edward character was the master and the Bella character the slave, they did have time off from it when they didn’t do all the kinky stuff and just had plain old normal “boring” comforting sex occasionally.

    2. Yeah, the problem is that E.L. James doesn’t believe in research. So she came up with something – hey BDSM – and then made up what she thought it was, which was abuse. Like you said, she doesn’t seem to understand what romance or love is, either, since she tries to make abuse look romantic. I’m not even reaching here – someone says, “please don’t hurt me” or “when you hit me it didn’t really hurt” – that’s called battered woman syndrome. And women are loving it! I just. . . don’t . . .even.

      1. Can we find E.L. James and cut off her fingers so she can’t write any more of this crap to poison people’s minds? I know, not a particularly Christian approach (or maybe it is, depending whether you interpret “Christian” as being her books’ hero or being a follower of Jesus Christ) but it might help!

        1. I dunno. Then she’d dictate to someone, probably. I think this woman and her characters would even annoy Jesus.

          1. Couldn’t we also fit her with one of her beloved S&M gags…?

  11. I’d like it to be ‘B’…just because I think it would add depth…ok, scratch that….poor wording. …

    1. Still better wording than E.L. James. I don’t think she understands what words are.

  12. Do they have a scene in these books where Ana flies off to another country and Christian sees her off at the airport and then somehow he beats her there and is waiting at the gate? I love when that happens.
    Probably A, because that is the most boring one.

    1. I LOVE that! Like that one time he gave her “space” for five seconds then rearranged her flight which was okay with the airport because of their awesome security and then he showed up right after she did like “surprissssse, I’m a psycho!” Ah, memories.

  13. Maybe this is a stupid idea, but I don’t actually find it that crazy that a young billionaire might be slightly recognizable . . . it’s not like there are that many around. But paparazzi and such, and them caring about Ana for some reason . . . no.

    What was the point of not peeing if all that was gonna happen was that she would pee eventually? Yes, I know, of all the things to question here, that’s what I choose . . .

    I still think Ana wants to grow a spine for five seconds at some point, so I’ll go with “a.”

    1. No, it’s not stupid. I could see how he could be recognizable, esp right where he lives – it’s just that in the beginning it’s like he wasn’t and then he was. And the worshipful stuff – puke. But yeah, paparazzi trailing them – please. Maybe some at the wedding or whatever, but not all the way to freaking France.

      And the peeing thing . . . he reveals this later and it’s just as stupid as you might imagine.

      1. He doesn’t want her to pee because then she’d need to flush again …*

        * This is not the actual reason, but would make sense

        1. Which is why it is not the actual reason, of course. I think she ought to flush if he’s in the shower, but then of course if he goes to shower, she must as well cause God forbid she do anything alone. I bet he stands outside the door, or directly over her, while she pees, just like a toddler.

  14. Can I with Option B, and she’s braiding ribbons through it.

    That’s the least disturbing mental image in my mind…..

    1. I’m going to pretend that’s what happened. Maybe she also dressed him up like a girl. I’ve heard that messed a few guys up. Might help explain Christipoo.

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