Rants With Alice: Mind Your Own Freaking Business!

Okay, so it’s another pneumonia related post, but since it’s still hanging on me, it can hang on you too.  That’s just the kind of mood I’m in, peoples.  I am much better, but tend to get exhausted after walking, like, ten feet.  Our parking situation is less than ideal, which you’d know if you’d read my post (No Parking).  So, since I get so tired so easily my boss suggested I get temporary handicapped parking.

Here’s where it starts to get fun, guys.  I asked the doctor for a note and took it to the university’s parking services, because I figured they controlled everything on their campus (they try to, at least).  Well, not that.  So I went back to the doctor and he filled out a form and I signed and some notary person signed and I took it to the DPS in town and paid five dollars and ta-da I had a fancy new placard to hang from my rearview mirror.  It’s not exactly stylish.  I’m thinking of fixing it up with some glitter and rhinestones so it can be all handicapped blingy.

Needs more bling.

Wheee, close parking!  Finally something halfway decent was coming out of this lung crapola.  Granted, I would have preferred breathing clearly to having a nice parking place, but I’ll take what I can get.

But it gets EVEN BETTER, guys.  I have no problems the first day, but the second day using my handicap bling I’m walking toward the library’s back entrance (which is just a short distance away – Score!) when another employee (not of the library) who by the way is fugly and annoying says to me ever-so-helpfully, “You know they’ll catch you for parking there.”

WTF?  I’d like to say I swung around and flipped him off or some other appropriate response but I never do that because I’m just too stunned that anyone would be such an asshole.  I don’t know WHY this surprises me, since there are assholes everywhere, but somehow it always does.  Instead I say, “I have a placard.”  Meanwhile it’s blowing cold air out in the fucking parking lot and I’ve got my face buried in my jacket defending myself to Mr. Dickhead.  He responds, “Is it yours?  Because that’s what they’ll look for, if it belongs to you.” Or some other such shit.  Oh, great.  So now I mug handicapped people for their placards?  WTF???

I say, “I have pneumonia,” somehow leaving off the “asshat” part and go inside.  Meanwhile I’m still fuming.  I mean, really?  Where does he get off?  So you’re not handicapped unless you’re in a wheelchair or on crutches or have an arm hanging by a tendon or something?  Sorry, moron, but there are other disabilities, like, I dunno, LUNG DISEASE.  It’s listed in the little form thingy that you fill out to get one of these awesome fucking placards.  But you wouldn’t know that, would you?  Because you’re a dickhead.

Another thing that really struck me was how he acted as if he was concerned for my welfare here. Like, oh dear, I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble with the law, sweetie.  The policemen get madfaced when you park where it’s illegal.  Really?  No shit, Sherlock.  I’ve only been driving for 20 freaking years, so I kind of picked up on that already.  It’s not like handicapped parking is unique to the university.  And if I have the placard?  I must have stolen it!  So I’m an illegal parker and a thief!  I have this image of myself knocking over some little old lady, grabbing her placard, laughing evilly, and dashing off into the night with my prize.  What.the.fuck.

I knock over handicapped people and steal their placards!

But here’s the most important part.  Even if I WAS a thief and illegally parking, why would this be his business?  I’ve seen him around some, sure, but we aren’t pals by any stretch of the imagination.  If I’m stupid enough to park illegally and rob old ladies, would I really listen to reason from Fugly Ass here?  Just – shut up.  Shut the fuck up.  You’re not trying to help me.  You’re jealous because I have a good parking place and I don’t look sufficiently disabled to you.  My dear, I’d love to give you just an ounce of this pneumonia so you can see how it feels.  Also a kick in the nuts.  It’s none of your business.

So shut up.  The world would be a much better place if more people just SHUT THE HELL UP.  End rant.

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28 responses

  1. What an ass! I love it when complete strangers butt into my business. I makes my day! You really should’ve kicked him in the balls – then maybe he would have to get a placard too and if you saw him park somewhere you could berate him too! It really amazes me how clueless some people are.

    On the up side, glad you are feeling at least a little better and that you can park closer.

    1. Maybe I’ll get a cane like Sara suggested and whack him with it, then hobble off cackling.

      1. Make sure you videotape it!

  2. Don’t you just love people like that. It’s a toss up between assholes like that and the patronising pitying people. Mind your own business or you’ll be eligible for a disabled badge.
    Glad you’re getting better. And don’t get too mad with idiots because a) they’re not worth it and b) you need to breath

    1. Good point. I do love it when people pat you on the back and say “poor thing” then walk off. Like, while you’re out I could use a coke. It tastes better than pity.

  3. You should have planted a big kiss on him so he could contract pneumonia.

    1. Or maybe I could kiss someone hot and have him kiss him. It would give the hottie pneumonia too, but sacrifices, people.

  4. You should carry a red tipped cane with you in your car. Next time you get out of the car after parking it in a HC spot, use it. That’ll mess with people.

    1. That would be great. I could be like Dr. House and park a motorcycle there. Except I don’t have a motorcycle. I would love to be as mean and rude as he is and get away with it.

  5. So, please, tell us what you really think… 😉

    But you raise a good point–there are many reasons one may need a handicap parking placard. It doesn’t take a wheelchair to make a long walk difficult. Hope your lungs get back to full commission soon. 🙂

    1. Thanks. I’m still just amazed at the crap people say. I mean, I might think something, but I usually have a little switch that keeps me from just telling everyone else every idiot thought I ever have. This switch doesn’t work on the blog, but usually does other places. Usually.

      1. Haha. Well, it’s good you stick up for yourself. Being a doormat is never good. 🙂

  6. I could not have written it better. I too have a car placard. So far no one has judged me, but I’m expecting it, as I don’t look handicapped, and if I park close enough, I don’t even need to use my cane. I’m with you, it doesn’t pay for you to even pay attention to people like that. I guess he might have thought you were just stupid for parking in a h/c spot. Possibly, he’s gotten a ticket for doing so in the past.

    1. Who knows? It did almost seem like he was trying to “help” me like I’m too moronic to figure out you don’t park in a handicapped spot. Parking is a huge sore spot at the university now, though, with them recently changing up parking and taking away our faculty / staff places. Ironically, if they hadn’t done that, I would not have needed the handicapped parking in the first place.

  7. My ex’s friend had a placard because of back problems that meant she couldn’t walk far; so I get why, with pneumonia, you’d need to be able to park closer! And people like him – just, Ugh!

  8. Poor sweet Alice. It can never be easy when it’s already hard, can it?

    1. No! Whiiiine. The rants help get it all out though. Although I’m not sure if I told people what I really thought. 😉

  9. Well, I have a friend who used to teach students with special needs, and she said that occasionally their parents would use the handicapped placard for themselves even when they didn’t have the kid with them. Also, you could’ve been borrowing a relative’s car. So there are possibilities besides robbery . . .

    But still, I don’t know why he’d try to talk to you about it in the first place, lol.

    1. Oh, yes, I’m sure people misuse them at times, although if I were a parent of a child with special needs, I think I’d be tired even when I didn’t have the kid with me. My daughter had some minor special needs issues when she was young, so I can only imagine. I couldn’t use a relative’s car because we have parking stickers – well, unless the relative also worked at the campus which is strangely common there.

      Ultimately, like you said, why did he feel the need to talk about it in the first place?

      1. Ah. At both of the campuses where I’ve been a student, our parking permits were things you stuck on the rearview mirror. So sometimes people would “borrow” them from others and use them.

  10. Amen! I’ll drink to that! etc…

    It’s a bit like one night out with a friend who has hearing aids (he’s mid-20’s and has been deaf from birth) and someone wanted to get past him but my friend didn’t hear and so this bloke said “are you deaf, mate?” in that aggressive tone some men use, and my other friend said “actually, yes, he is, look at his hearing aids”.

    People are idiots. Actually, maybe we should round up all these people and send them to EL James and tell her they want to be her slaves?

    1. They probably already are – she has fans. And websites dedicated to her. I sense the apocalypse is nigh.

      1. Maybe we’ll get lucky. Maybe all the idiots will be Rapture’d and the sensible people will be left to re-build plant earth according to God’s original plan.

        1. And just think of all the SUVs that will be left without drivers. I could use a new car.

  11. I admire your self-restraint in not coughing all over him.

    I had a bad knee injury a couple years ago, and for a while I was using various combinations of braces, crutches, and a cane. Towards the end of my recovery, I didn’t need to use any of those things, but I was still walking pretty slowly. At the time, my physical therapist suggested that, even though I didn’t actually need it, I should carry a cane as a prop in crowded situations, to get people to give me a little more space.

    So I want to give you some similar advice: carry a cane, and whenever anyone gives you a hard time, whack them over the head with it.

    1. I’m liking this idea more and more. A seeing-eye-pooch would be fun too. I could have him bring me snacks and bite annoying people. Wait, that might not be what they do.

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