50 Shades Flunked Lesson Three

It got worse.

Speaker7 and other helpful blogger friends tried to tell me.  They did.  But – wow.  I have only read three chapters, and this is already worse than both of the first two books combined.  I AM NOT KIDDING HERE.  This chapter once again had me:


Okay, let’s get to the quiz results.  If you guessed (B) Christian flashes back to crackwhore braiding his hair, you’ll realize I sneakily tricked you.  Oh, crackwhore mommy’s there, alright, but it’s just . . . crap, I’ll touch that fucked-upness when we get to it.  (C) is also, damn it all, incorrect.  No drowning Christian and Ana at the bottom of the sea.  That fills me with the sads.  Frowny face for you guys and for Alice.

Nope, it was (A), so all you people give yourselves happy faces and prepare to scream in horror.  And remember, each red mark is two points off!  Here we go. Ana looks at herself in the mirror and sees that she is covered from head to toe in red marks (that’s a lot of points off, there).  She’s seriously pissed about this because, eww, hickies? (AnaFail) I mean, sure, truss me up with handcuffs but . . . oh, hey, wait a second.  She looks at her wrists and ankles and realizes they have huge red welts on them.(Red Flag)  Huh.  Who’d a thunk after all the other crap they’ve done, she’d actually get injured this time?  I mean, I can’t remember where else I saw something like this happen, that is, a girl covered with bruises after romantic honeymoon sex with another Mr. Fabulous. (FacePalm)

It’s just on the tip of my tongue here . . .

Well, Ana is not just going to take this abuse.  She is seriously madfaced!  She tells Christian he has to stop trying to tell her to heel (even though he went to the trouble of buying that dog training manual!) and Christian says, “Well, at least you won’t take your top off anymore.” (AliceRage, RedFlag)

Really?  Really??  Thank GOD he was able to justify his abuse, because you know, that’s nothing like what a wife beater would do. (Red Flag) So Ana bitches at him some more, but is careful not to push him too far (Red Flag) because even as upset as she is about this, she doesn’t want her “Fifty” to get upset too and you know, kill her. (Red Flag)

I hate you E.L. James.

So Christian finally says “I’m sorry” and it’s such a heartfelt apology and not at all a load of steaming hot crap.  And Ana huffs and says “You’re such an adolescent sometimes.  (FacePalm) Yeah, you know those teens, always beating the crap out of their girlfriends, those scamps!  So Christian pulls her into an embrace, and asks if he’s forgiven, and Ana knees him in the groin and says, “No, you asshole, you aren’t.  I’m getting a freaking restraining order on you, and Taylor and I are going to tie your ass up, kick you around a bit, then disable the boat and leave you stranded while we take off on a Jet Ski.”

Hahaha, yeah, of course she doesn’t do that.  No, her spine collapses and she “melts” into his arms and they go get a bite to eat. (AnaFail, AliceRage).  Then they dance together and it’s like, so romantic, and they sing the song together about their “love” and Alice pukes (FacePalm).  Later, Christian is shaving, and Ana gets all hot over it, and asks to shave him.  He lets her, and she slowly runs the razor over his neck, then slices his neck open like Sweeney Todd while laughing hysterically.

Need a shave, Christipoo?

Wait, sorry, yeah that didn’t happen either.  I must be getting Ana’s mini seizures cause I keep drifting off.  Speaking of, so does Ana, as she remembers when she shaved her pubic area. (WTF, FlashbackAbuse)  Christian says she didn’t do it right, so he finishes it himself (Red Flag) and then she gets all hot, and he sticks his finger in her (is he plugging a leak?), and end flashback! I’m going to (FacePalm, SexyTimes) this, but there probably should be a (AlicePukes) category added in.

So back in the present, Ana finishes shaving Christian, and he decides they should go buy some art.  Oh, okay, what? (WTF) They shop and Ana decides to buy pictures of vegetables because they remind her of herself, and they cost half a billion dollars, but Christian is all “Get used to it”. (RedFlag)  Cause, God forbid he use some of his massive fortune to actually, say, build a hospital or something freaking useful.  Nah, let’s just throw it away on crap while people die from lack of medical care! (AliceRage)

They go eat again (BoredNow) and Christian tells her that crackwhore mom used to let him braid her hair (see how I was all sneaky there?) and that’s why he likes to braid Ana’s hair before he bangs the crap out of her (RedFlag).  Talk about your transitions – anger about spousal abuse, flashback to pubic shaving, buying art, and now talking about crackwhore mom and his sexual preferences in one breath. (FacePalm)  What next?  Oh, this is like the best part!  Christian looks at Ana’s bare wrist, sees the welts, and Ana says, “They don’t hurt,” because E.L. gets all her romance ideas from reading accounts of battered women. (AliceRage, AnaFail).  

Seriously, Ladies? Seriously???

But it’s all okay, because Christian decides to make this right by buying Ana an expensive bracelet that – ta-da- covers up signs of his abuse so he doesn’t have to get all sad seeing what he’s done to her (RedFlag, AliceRage).  Cause we wouldn’t want Christian to be sad, now would we?  Or for anyone else to notice he’s abusing his wife.  Asshole.  They get in the back of his car, and he takes off her sandels and looks at the marks on her ankles, and Ana’s all like, “Jeez . . . I thought we’d dealt with this.” (AnaFail)  Yeah, I mean, that was so totally last night when he beat the shit out of me!  Water under the bridge!

Ana assures him it “doesn’t hurt” again (AnaFail, RedFlag) and Christian realizes seeing her wounds makes him uncomfy.  Again, reader, I am in tears at his pain! (AliceRage)  Ana assures him that, hey, the big welts are nothin’ cause it was only the hickies that bothered her and I’m like, just, really, I don’t even. (WTF)  She tells him the sex was “mind blowing” because hey, Ana apparently enjoys being beaten up as long as, you know, you don’t give her a hickie. (AnaFail)

There’s another one-sided ultra-sewious conversation on the Elmo phone, and we find out there was a fire at Grey House, which I guess is Christian’s house?  His parent’s house?  Something from a creepy horror novel?  I don’t know.(WTF)  And Ana thinks about the Charlie Tango blowing up, and now a fire in this house, and she’s all “What next?”  And I’m all, I don’t want to know.  And thank God this chapter freaking ended.

Oh, I almost forgot.  Christian told Ana not to pee cause it makes her orgasms more orgasmy. (FacePalm)  I would think it would make her pee on the sheets.  What do I know?

Final Score: 100 -70 = 3o or (wait for it)

Question Four: What will happen in Chapter Four?

(A) Ana takes off on the Jet Ski but the Jet Ski is sabotaged by the evil doer that took down Charlie Tango!  She slams into the yacht and the Jet Ski explodes, igniting something flammable in the yacht and the whole thing goes up in flames.  Ka-boooooom!

(B) Christian takes dirty pictures of Ana with his new camera.

(C) The emails return and a kitten’s brain explodes.

20 responses

  1. Maybe Ana’s willingness to withstand pain and comfort Christian is E.L. James’ way of showing how “strong” Ana is. Or maybe E.L. James and these books suck a big flaming vaginal ball.

    1. I vote for big flaming vaginal ball.

  2. I can’t remember what happens next – I think maybe B? It doesn’t make sense though because he beat her silly for taking her top off, but then he would take lots of nakey pics of her – someone could find that shit! I also picked B because of the fact that it makes no sense. It’s totally something EL would do!

    1. True. Like why she gets injured this time. I mean, he tied her up with freaking cable ties before, but not even a teeny bruise? But of course, Bella didn’t get bruises till her honeymoon so . . . not that this book is anything like that.

  3. In a plot hole so wide you can drive a Jet Ski through it – it’s B. Christian taking naked pictures of his Mrs – totes believable. And you’ll never guess whose idea it is. Even I still don’t believe it.
    As for the “don’t pee” reason. You know E L James is a master at this. Making a big deal out of nothing, keeping you guessing for a few pages … just long enough so that you hope it’s something good (even if it is disgusting) and then leaves you feeling more deflated than Ana’s Charlie Tango balloon. But really, at this point I should have known better.

    1. I would agree w/ the plot hole, if not for the lack of any lucid plot. I mean – usually by now you know the point of the book. I don’t see one. They are already married. Okay so someone blew up the helicopter and set a fire. Whoop-te-do. It’s hardly the major focus here. If there’s any plot, it’s how many times will Christian stick his appendages and or various inanimate and possibly animate objects inside Ana.

      And women love this book. Some of them are reading it more than once. Why? Why??????

  4. I’ll go with B. Seems to fit in with the creepy scheme of things. It’s funny, because sometimes when you read all the hype about something, you want to check it out. But each time I read something else about these books, I’m less and less likely to read them. In fact, I’d say there’s pretty much zero chance now…

    1. Your brain will thank you for it.

  5. B.because being consistently formulaic is apparently beyond James.

    1. She is consistently inconsistent. Also a moron.

  6. Please oh please oh please don’t let it be C! Not the kitten!!
    I’m actually glad it’s B. After everything, all the long descriptions of their weird no-peeing sexy times, B is okay to take in. I should thank James for that, she’s increased my tolerance levels for these things

    1. Yeah, when I first read the “don’t pee” I really did start to panic. It figures, though. He controls her eating and eliminating. Oh, that mercurial Fifty!

  7. I only made it like 50 pages into the first book, so really, actually don’t know what’s going to happen. I was really hoping for A though! But everyone else seems to know what they’re talking about, so B? *sad tears*

    Also, love LOVE your descriptions of this book! Have you ever read the Cleolinda review of the Twilight books? She writes like you – and is hilarious too ^.^

    1. I’m impressed that you made it 50 pages in. Glad you like my reviews. I’ve seen several good Twilight reviews, but I’m not sure if I’ve seen Cleolinda’s. I’ll have to look it up. I also did a one post Twilight review in play form – it’s under the book review tab.

      1. If you have time to kill:
        http://cleolinda.livejournal.com/602881.html (that’s her first one, there’s links on the bottom that go to the rest if you like them).

        And I’ll definitely check out your Twilight review 🙂

  8. You know, I think you should stop reading these for the good of your mental health.

    I’m tempted to track down every bookstore and supermarket in the UK with stock of these and visit them all with a marker pen and deface all copies. They’d then have to send them back to the publisher (providing there’s no way to prove I’d done it) for replacements or refunds for the “faulty” stock and if it kept on happening then perhaps they’d stop selling them?

    1. Someone actually posted a sign in their bookstore saying “There’s better porn on the Internet” or something like that over the 50 shades books. I’ll have to see if I can find it. Lol.

      1. One of my friends posted the picture of it it on her FB wall a while back when the book started to get the media attention, and I think it mentioned that the better porn is also free…

  9. I’m guessing, based on the other responses, thaas t it’s “b.” I so want to go with “c,” though. Why wouldn’t they send each other emails although they’re on the honeymoon together? I could imagine them sending each other emails with their smartphones as more red-flag sexy times take place. Emailing each other about those same sexy times.

    1. Sadly, that is very, very likely. I wonder if E.L. sits around and emails her husband all day.

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