It got worse.
Speaker7 and other helpful blogger friends tried to tell me. They did. But – wow. I have only read three chapters, and this is already worse than both of the first two books combined. I AM NOT KIDDING HERE. This chapter once again had me:
Okay, let’s get to the quiz results. If you guessed (B) Christian flashes back to crackwhore braiding his hair, you’ll realize I sneakily tricked you. Oh, crackwhore mommy’s there, alright, but it’s just . . . crap, I’ll touch that fucked-upness when we get to it. (C) is also, damn it all, incorrect. No drowning Christian and Ana at the bottom of the sea. That fills me with the sads. Frowny face for you guys and for Alice.
Nope, it was (A), so all you people give yourselves happy faces and prepare to scream in horror. And remember, each red mark is two points off! Here we go. Ana looks at herself in the mirror and sees that she is covered from head to toe in red marks (that’s a lot of points off, there). She’s seriously pissed about this because, eww, hickies? (AnaFail) I mean, sure, truss me up with handcuffs but . . . oh, hey, wait a second. She looks at her wrists and ankles and realizes they have huge red welts on them.(Red Flag) Huh. Who’d a thunk after all the other crap they’ve done, she’d actually get injured this time? I mean, I can’t remember where else I saw something like this happen, that is, a girl covered with bruises after romantic honeymoon sex with another Mr. Fabulous. (FacePalm)
Well, Ana is not just going to take this abuse. She is seriously madfaced! She tells Christian he has to stop trying to tell her to heel (even though he went to the trouble of buying that dog training manual!) and Christian says, “Well, at least you won’t take your top off anymore.” (AliceRage, RedFlag)
Really? Really?? Thank GOD he was able to justify his abuse, because you know, that’s nothing like what a wife beater would do. (Red Flag) So Ana bitches at him some more, but is careful not to push him too far (Red Flag) because even as upset as she is about this, she doesn’t want her “Fifty” to get upset too and you know, kill her. (Red Flag)
So Christian finally says “I’m sorry” and it’s such a heartfelt apology and not at all a load of steaming hot crap. And Ana huffs and says “You’re such an adolescent sometimes. (FacePalm) Yeah, you know those teens, always beating the crap out of their girlfriends, those scamps! So Christian pulls her into an embrace, and asks if he’s forgiven, and Ana knees him in the groin and says, “No, you asshole, you aren’t. I’m getting a freaking restraining order on you, and Taylor and I are going to tie your ass up, kick you around a bit, then disable the boat and leave you stranded while we take off on a Jet Ski.”
Hahaha, yeah, of course she doesn’t do that. No, her spine collapses and she “melts” into his arms and they go get a bite to eat. (AnaFail, AliceRage). Then they dance together and it’s like, so romantic, and they sing the song together about their “love” and Alice pukes (FacePalm). Later, Christian is shaving, and Ana gets all hot over it, and asks to shave him. He lets her, and she slowly runs the razor over his neck, then slices his neck open like Sweeney Todd while laughing hysterically.
Wait, sorry, yeah that didn’t happen either. I must be getting Ana’s mini seizures cause I keep drifting off. Speaking of, so does Ana, as she remembers when she shaved her pubic area. (WTF, FlashbackAbuse) Christian says she didn’t do it right, so he finishes it himself (Red Flag) and then she gets all hot, and he sticks his finger in her (is he plugging a leak?), and end flashback! I’m going to (FacePalm, SexyTimes) this, but there probably should be a (AlicePukes) category added in.
So back in the present, Ana finishes shaving Christian, and he decides they should go buy some art. Oh, okay, what? (WTF) They shop and Ana decides to buy pictures of vegetables because they remind her of herself, and they cost half a billion dollars, but Christian is all “Get used to it”. (RedFlag) Cause, God forbid he use some of his massive fortune to actually, say, build a hospital or something freaking useful. Nah, let’s just throw it away on crap while people die from lack of medical care! (AliceRage)
They go eat again (BoredNow) and Christian tells her that crackwhore mom used to let him braid her hair (see how I was all sneaky there?) and that’s why he likes to braid Ana’s hair before he bangs the crap out of her (RedFlag). Talk about your transitions – anger about spousal abuse, flashback to pubic shaving, buying art, and now talking about crackwhore mom and his sexual preferences in one breath. (FacePalm) What next? Oh, this is like the best part! Christian looks at Ana’s bare wrist, sees the welts, and Ana says, “They don’t hurt,” because E.L. gets all her romance ideas from reading accounts of battered women. (AliceRage, AnaFail).
But it’s all okay, because Christian decides to make this right by buying Ana an expensive bracelet that – ta-da- covers up signs of his abuse so he doesn’t have to get all sad seeing what he’s done to her (RedFlag, AliceRage). Cause we wouldn’t want Christian to be sad, now would we? Or for anyone else to notice he’s abusing his wife. Asshole. They get in the back of his car, and he takes off her sandels and looks at the marks on her ankles, and Ana’s all like, “Jeez . . . I thought we’d dealt with this.” (AnaFail) Yeah, I mean, that was so totally last night when he beat the shit out of me! Water under the bridge!
Ana assures him it “doesn’t hurt” again (AnaFail, RedFlag) and Christian realizes seeing her wounds makes him uncomfy. Again, reader, I am in tears at his pain! (AliceRage) Ana assures him that, hey, the big welts are nothin’ cause it was only the hickies that bothered her and I’m like, just, really, I don’t even. (WTF) She tells him the sex was “mind blowing” because hey, Ana apparently enjoys being beaten up as long as, you know, you don’t give her a hickie. (AnaFail)
There’s another one-sided ultra-sewious conversation on the Elmo phone, and we find out there was a fire at Grey House, which I guess is Christian’s house? His parent’s house? Something from a creepy horror novel? I don’t know.(WTF) And Ana thinks about the Charlie Tango blowing up, and now a fire in this house, and she’s all “What next?” And I’m all, I don’t want to know. And thank God this chapter freaking ended.
Oh, I almost forgot. Christian told Ana not to pee cause it makes her orgasms more orgasmy. (FacePalm) I would think it would make her pee on the sheets. What do I know?
Final Score: 100 -70 = 3o or (wait for it)
Question Four: What will happen in Chapter Four?
(A) Ana takes off on the Jet Ski but the Jet Ski is sabotaged by the evil doer that took down Charlie Tango! She slams into the yacht and the Jet Ski explodes, igniting something flammable in the yacht and the whole thing goes up in flames. Ka-boooooom!
(B) Christian takes dirty pictures of Ana with his new camera.
(C) The emails return and a kitten’s brain explodes.