Monthly Archives: October, 2012

Obligatory Search Terms Post

I’ve seen some other blog posts detailing the interesting, odd, and sometimes just plain disturbing search terms that people use to find your blog.  These search terms are handily gathered by WordPress on the Stats page (that I know none of you ever look at, right?)  I figured I’d give mine a look-see, even though with some of my content (cough, 50 Shades of crap, cough) I was somewhat nervous.  Here are 20 of my most interesting / odd / disturbing results starting with the most used first.

1.      aliceatwonderland

This is actually comforting, because 17 times someone found my blog by actually putting in my name.  At least I think they did.  It’s possible they don’t know the real title to Alice in Wonderland.  Either way, I’ll take it.

They like me, Pinky! They really like me! Or maybe just buttplugs!

2.      ana wants beat because she is wet

Yeah.  Um, this one was used four different times.  Either there are four somewhat icky people, or one person who was interested enough in the topic to use this term four times and find me every time.  I thought about trying to find myself with this, and then decided it wouldn’t be worth the computer STDs I would get in return.

3.      cancer weekly horoscope

I have a suspicion they found dove candy wrapper fortunes a little odd.  Then again, we’re talking people who read horoscopes, so maybe it was right on the money.  This one came up four times.

4.      the blue paw print is a “blues’s clues”, telling you this object is important in some way.

Well, I did do a snarky children’s tv review of Blue’s Clues, but it’s weird that this exact term was used three times.  Then again, the concept is pretty hard for Joe, so maybe it is for others as well.

I bet it was these guys using that search term.

* The rest of these got 1 hit a piece, although I have grouped similar ones together with a /.

5.      reviews of 50 shades of alice

There are fifty shades of me?  I probably reached several of those while I was sick.

6.      fifty shades of crap

I like that one just because.

7.      san franco ca.free things for people on SSI

Fairly certain I have never written about this topic, but maybe I missed something.

8.  50 shades buttplug scene / 50SoG buttplug / butt plugs / glass bling butt plug

I’m so proud of this

9.  horse tail buttplug sex pics

 This I’m a little disturbed about.

I’m just thinking of this pony, okay?

10.  riding crops

I wonder if they were looking for actual riding equipment there.  If so, oopsie.

11.  why fifty shades of grey makes women mad at their husbands

Because their husbands don’t beat them like Christian does?  I dunno.

12.  dragon playroom

The Red Room O’ Pain suddenly got more interesting.

13.  coo coo ca choo alice

This one is my absolute favorite.

14.  alice mon crack

Am I a Jamaican druggie?

Try some, it’s totally cool, mon.

15.  infantilize children lazy

Huh?

16.  whore mommy / whore mom / mommy whore

So sweet!

17.  50Sog tampon / 50 SoG ice cream

I’ll take what does Christian put in and take out of Ana for 200, Alex

18.  ana steele even stupider in 50 Shades Darker

Bingo!

19.  inner goddess balls

I’d like to see those

Sooo . . . this on some vaginal balls? Maybe?

20.  french canadian clown / a clown eating pictures

Oh, Le Clown, you do inspire!  Others to my blog.  Thanks.  They might go to you looking for buttplugs now, though, so I’d keep an eye on your search terms.

This has been quite the experience delving into the pit of scum and villainy that is the Internets.  And my readers!  People love me, they really do!  Also buttplugs.  And horse sex pics.  I’m going back to the My Little Pony pic now.

50 Shades Flunked: Lesson One

Before we can get to chapter one, we have a prologue.  And I’m so excited, because once again James has decided to change point of view for just one page!  It’s a third person nightmare about four-year-old Christi-poo and dead crackwhore mom.  He eats frozen peas and Pulp Fiction Pimp beats him up.  Then Christian wakes up from his nightmare (but we don’t) and Ana says it’s okay and he realizes he’s in bed with that nit wit and he starts screaming all over again.  Just kidding.  She comforts him with her vagina and all is well.  It’s a good thing I’m not scoring the prologue.  This beginning doesn’t bode well for James’ transcript, you guyz. 

On to Chapter One.  I bet you thought there was going to be a long drawn out wedding right?  Wrong!  Frowny face for you guys. 

Losers*

Also, sadly, there was no gunfire, though I still hold out hope.  No, the answer was (B) flashbacks.  Congrats to you who guessed right!  Smiley Face!

Whoop-De-Shit

That’s this whole chapter – flashbacks.  If it keeps up, I may have to add a deduction for those as well. 

It starts with Ana on her honeymoon on a beach in France.  She’s laying out catching some Melanoma rays.  But after a couple of paragraphs, (cue the wavy lines) we go back to the boathouse, where Christian proposed again and they had sexy times, and Christian is nagging Ana about wedding dates. (-2 BoredNow).  It only lasts another couple of paragraphs, then Christian’s waking Ana up, and forcing her out of the sun for her own good and whining about her wearing so little clothing (-2Red Flag).  I mean, really, who wears a swimsuit on the beach? They call each other “Mr. Grey” and “Mrs. Grey” over and over (-2FacePalm) and then he tosses her into the ocean, yanks her ponytail and sticks his tongue down her throat in front of everybody (-2 Sexy Times).  Ana wants him to just do her right there (-2 FacePalm, -2 Ana Fail) but he tosses her aside.  Madfaced, Ana decides she will show Mr. Psycho by sunbathing topless (-2 FacePalm, -2 Ana Fail) because that’s a good idea considering he freaked over the bikini alone.

Stupid Even For Ana

She falls asleep and we get ANOTHER flashback (-2 BoredNow) this time to the wedding.  Christian kisses Ana as they’re pronounced husband and wife and whispers crude crap (still in front of the preacher) and makes her all hot and bothered (-2 Sexy Times).  He orders her not to take off the wedding dress for going away clothes because only he can take off her dress (-2 Red Flag) and Ana thinks he looks . . . dashing (-2 FacePalm).  Shockingly Ana only briefly describes the wedding location, at Christian’s house of course (this is not like Twilight at all, you guyz).  Then she worries that maybe she’s married too fast, and I’m like, you think? (-2 FacePalm) but soon she forgets about it (-2 Ana Fail). 

Spines are highly overrated.

Christian wants to leave the wedding early cause he’s an asshole (-2 Red Flag) but Ana is forced to dance w/ his so old grandfather (-2 Ana Fail) and Jose acts like a desperate fop as usual.  Ana tells Mom she can’t change cause Christian told her not to (-2 Red Flag) and her mother actually points out she doesn’t have to obey him (SHOCK).  Christian whisks her away then to his jet that apparently has an entire house inside (-2 WTF).  Ana notices the flight attendant is a pretty brunette and is bitchy madfaced (-2 Ana Fail) and there’s boring talk (-2 BoredNow) and they go back and have Sexy Times (-2 Sexy Times) with more of that flipping I.love.you.so.much crap (-2 FacePalm) and Christian says she belongs to him again (-2 Red Flag)

Thanks for living down to our expectations, Christian

Then flashback over when Christian wakes her up by screaming at her (-2 Red Flag) because she’s showing off her boobs to everybody.  End chapter.

 -48 points for a score of 52 or as we like to say in real English classes:

Note: It is possible probable I added incorrectly.  I’m an English major, not a Math major.  And it’s like, my test.

Question Two: What happens in Chapter 2?

  1. Christian trusses Ana up like a stuck pig and fucks her till she screams.  Romance!
  2. The yacht blows up, sending Christian and Ana chunks across the ocean blue.
  3. Ana shows a spine for a few seconds and tells Christian she can dress how she wants, but then remembers she has no self-respect or brain power and goes back to normal. 

Good luck, and may the odds be evah in your favor.  Speaking of, wouldn’t it be great if we could put Christian and Ana in the Hunger Games?  And they both died horrible deaths?  And then they brought them back to life and killed them all over again?  Stay tuned!

*I got frowny faces in preschool.  Nothing like making a four-year-old feel like a loser.  F-you, former teachers.

How Do You Blog?

Recently I wrote a post on Canvas on overwhelmation.  And I am definitely feeling it now.  Pretty soon, they’re going to expect me to go back to work.  I’m better, much, much better, but still when I go to the bookstore, I’m good for about ten, fifteen minutes tops before my body says “Holy crap, go home!”  So I’m thinking if fifteen minutes is hard, eight hours might be slightly harder.  There is also the process of working out sick leave (like not having any) and if I qualify for something called sick leave pool, the logistics of which probably inspired the book Catch-22.

My employee handbook

So I was thinking stressing on this and Thing Two started coughing.  And then running fever.  And I said, “Oh, crap.”  (I say this a lot.) I guess I was just hoping the powers that be or whatever would give me say enough time to quit being sick myself before striking a kid.  Yeah, not so much.  Even better, she has the ability to go from lying still (freaky for this kid) to bouncing about while chattering non-stop until my brains threaten to explode within minutes.

Mommy, what are you doing? I want a buffalo for Christmas! I was reading this story and it was about this and this and this and are you listening Mommy and my buddy said that I was weird and I don’t like bullies why do people bully it isn’t nice and it’s against school policy and that’s not fair and what’s on T.V.? I think I might throw up. No, false alarm, it’s a burp and do you want to play dolls?

So this, and work, and sick, and laundry, and whatever the hell else I’m supposed to be doing has not made it any easier to sleep at night. Well, that and sleeping during the day, which you get used to when you feel too crappy to do anything else, and then it’s hard to break the cycle.  So since I can’t sleep, I get up and write.  And then it occurs to me (and look we’re getting to the supposed point of this post) that maybe I should try to set some sort of boundaries on my blogging.  Boundaries I’d like to set other places, like work (not so many hours) or parenting (not so many hours) or laundry (Why are there so many clothes and where the frack are the socks?) 

Husband: So like I’m not supposed to dry your underwire bras in the dryer?
Wife: I’m going to kill you.

Thing is, I love feedback.  Love, love, love it.  I am extremely susceptible to compliments.  I feed on good press, and then I’m compelled to do more, more, more!  But then I lie awake at night and along with everything else think – am I doing too much posting?  Am I annoying?  Am I pressable?  What if I write something and they think I’m not funny?  You know, like Sinatra when his voice started going but he kept singing and no one wanted to tell him to shut up?  Wait, I forgot what point I was trying to make here.

There’s a point here somewhere . . .

Oh, yeah, insecurity.  I has it.  And night time is a great time to think about this.  Which is why insomnia really sucks, unless you are just dying to catch up on infomercials.  Like this one for this leaf blower that is apparently more awesome than Jesus.  Maybe it’s powered by Jesus.  Or possibly the people in the commercial are on drugs.  They are very, very happy about this leaf blower.  And after a while, I’m thinking, I should get that leaf blower. Then I too could blow away spider webs with the force of a helicopter taking off.

Wait, that’s not a leaf blower – he’s a freaking Ghostbuster!

Anyway, I’m hoping to get my sleep cycles out of “infant” and back to “semi-adult”.  But even when I do, I still have to decide how to balance my life.  Get it? Balance.  Hahahaha. As if mothers, whether SAHMS or working moms, can ever balance their lives. I mean, unless they’re like Ann Romney and have servants and crap.  But I should probably try to balance the blogging.  So here’s the question.  How do you blog?  Do you blog every day?  Once a week?  Twice a week?  Randomly?  Do you keep a schedule?  Do you remember where your children are, or who they are?  Have you bathed lately, because I can smell you from here, I’m just sayin’. 

I dunno, do you think you should be juggling the baby?

I’d appreciate the feedback on this, because I’m trying to figure out some way to balance at least one tiny part of my life but I’m unsure how to do it.  I mean, I realize it’s up to me, but I’ve got Sinatra complex, and also ideas running about my head like mad, which makes it hard to make any decision, including what I’m going to have for supper.  So tell me how you blog, and how you came to that decision, and how long you’ve been doing it, and how you paid off those WordPress people in order to get pressed.  I really want to know.  And then maybe I can figure out how I blog as well.

I don’t get it.
Where are their faces???

Also, wtf with the jerky-I’m-gonna-take-my-sweet-time crap going on while writing and editing your posts on WordPress lately?  Huh?  It’s annoying. 

As Always,

Alice

50 Shades Flunked: Back to School

Welcome back to Snark School, loyal readers, for 50 Shades Flunked Freed!

I have decided to switch things around a bit.  I will still give my snarky recaps, but have decided to add a point system for all the irritating stuff we have come to expect from these stupid books.  At first I thought about a drinking game, but then realized I would be responsible for the alcohol poisoning of all my loyal readers.  This should be safer, and I think it will be fun to grade James since she obviously has never gone to school ever.  Here’s how it works.  There may be additions / changes as needed.

We’re keepin’ score, kiddies!

Everytime one of these actions occurs, there will be 2 points off.  Like basketball, only in reverse, and much less squeaky. 

Plot (hahaha) Points

Red Flag (Every time Christian acts like an abusive asshole)

Ana Fail (Every time Ana acts like an idiot, a bitch or a spineless twit)

Sexy Times (Every time they have sex, talk about having sex, or have stupid foreplay)

Email Abuse (Every time they freaking email each other)

AliceRage (when something pisses Alice off)

FacePalm (when something makes Alice say D’oh)

BoredNow (when Alice is rendered near comatose by nothing happening)

WTF (when Alice can’t figure out wtf just happened)

The points will be subtracted from 100, and a grade given for each chapter.  Also there will be tests for the readers as well, but they will be fun.  For instance:

Prediction Multiple Guess Quiz (wherein readers guess what will happen in the next chapter)

Question One: What will happen in Chapter One?

A. There is a long, drawn out description of the whole wedding including Ana’s dress, how much it cost, the number of sequins, and the fancy pants designer as well as a description of the entrees, the preacher’s entire speech, all of Ana and Christian’s sappy vows, and every single person attending and what they’re wearing.

B. There are a bunch of stupid, confusing flashbacks to stuff that hasn’t happened.

C. Leila shows up at the wedding with a gun and shoots Christian and Ana, but has four bullets left, so also shoots Christian’s dippy sister Mia, Dr. Flynn, Jose, and Mrs. Robinson, thus taking care of several obnoxious characters at once.  She is awarded a medal of honor.

Put your prediction (A, B, or C) in the comments below.  The answer will be revealed in the next exciting post, as well as a recap of the first crappy chapter! 

Also, there was a request for a contest, so here goes.  Whoever gets the answer right will receive a smiley face.  Whoever gets it wrong will get the dreaded frowny face.  At the end of this book – I’m assured it eventually ends – tally up your happy faces and whoever has the most, or has continued to count or whatever, will receive AliceBling.  Who can resist that?   Class starts next time – don’t be tardy!

Alice Goes On Vacation

Never fear, reader, I will not be gone for long.  I’m thinking a weekend.  And I’m not going anywhere.  I just had this crazy idea that maybe I should, you know, maybe not sit in front of the computer 24 hours a day every day.  Probably two days away is my limit.  If I can handle that.  Of course I can handle that.  It’s not as if I have some sort of a problem or anything.

I am not. I can quit anytime. SHUT UP.

Anyhoo, I will be back fresh Monday morning with – TA-DA – the answer to your prayers or nightmares, whichever, the new recaps of 5o Shades Episode III: Return of the Jerkoffs.  It’s going to be full of exciting shit, people, because I’m sending James back to school and grading her chapters like papers (I have English teacher experience here) and this is just a guess, but I’m thinking she’s not going to do so well.  But that’s not all!  There will also be a contest and quizzes too!  I bet you just had tiny orgasms didn’t you?  Just me?  Eh.

You are SO going down, E.L.

I also hope to get back to the weekly horoscope readings next Friday, because I know you have all been bereft without the benefit of my psychic abilities.  How else are you going to figure out you totally screwed up last week without my help?  You’re welcome. 

Miss me?

But wait, there’s MORE.  I’ll also have other idiot posts, like one with all the interesting and not at all disturbing search words people used to find my blog.  And, and, it’s just going to be so great you’re going to wet yourselves in anticipation. 

So I bid you adieu (see, I am totally Le French) until Monday.  Provided they have not put me in a straightjacket. 

Love and kisses and crap,

Alice

Overwhelmation: A Post on Physical Illness and Mental Health

Slightly more serious than my usual fare, but still an important issue I think – check it out on Canvas. (And yes, Sad Pony makes another appearance, too!)

WordPress! A Challenge! Carrots!

As you probably know, WordPress offers a weekly writing challenge.  I thought I might try it out, because hey it’s a blog post and they hang that “FP” carrot over your head so effectively and I am not obsessed about that at all.  Anyway, I need some help deciding what to do.  Here is the challenge:

So this week, we challenge you to step outside your blogging box and try something totally different:

  • If you normally write non-fiction, try fiction.
  • If you normally write fiction, try poetry.
  • If you normally post photos, try writing.
  • If you normally just write, try including photos.

Well, I write posts with photos and writing, so nothing different there.  My fiction’s too long to post, and my poetry?  Hahahahaha.  Once they made me write a poem at a church ladies’ retreat.  They thought I’d be great what with my English degrees.  Here is what I came up with:

Roses are Red / Violets are Blue / Jesus is great / And so are You.

Fabulous, I know.  On the plus side, they never asked me to write poetry again.  Anyway, they do offer some more suggestions below.  I added my own commentary to it:

Need a little more guidance? Check out these post types, and pick one. Don’t opt for something that seems immediately doable; go with something you’ll have to work at a bit:

  • Stream-of-consciousness
    • That’s pretty much every post.
  • Short fiction
    • I don’t write short fiction.  Fiction yes, but not short.  Some of my blog posts could count as “creative nonfiction” which I define as making up facts whenever they suit me to prevent actual research.  Example: Canada is our largest state.
  • A day in the life
    • How bored do you want to get?
  • Instructions on doing/making something
    • I could do a cooking post.  Those are popular.  But I’m not sure if someone really wants to read the back of a “Hamburger Helper” box.
  • Top ten lists
    • I’ve written lists of stuff I hate before.  I don’t remember if there were ten of them or not.
  • An open letter
    • I wrote an open letter to WordPress, but they never wrote back.  Hmmph.
  • An explanation of a topic you know a lot about
    • I know a lot about a lot of stupid, useless stuff.  I can’t think of anything at the moment, though, because 50 Shades has wiped my mind.  Wait, I know about 50 Shades!  That’s so sad!
  • A walk down memory lane
    • This way you can be bored by my past too.
  • A rant
    • Again, pretty much every post.
  • News/current event analysis
    • Ack, then I would have to watch the news.  I’d rather watch The Exorcist than any speech by Romney or his sidekick Ryan.
  • A book, movie, or music review
    • I’ve done book reviews.  God, have I done book reviews.  But not movie or music yet.  I love writing reviews, though, so I guess that’s not stepping out of my comfort zone.

I think I got everything here.

Yeah, so anyway, what do you think?  What would be out of my “comfort zone”?  Do I have a “comfort zone”?  If so, why would I want to leave it?  I’m just so confused.  I ask you Freshly Freshly Pressed peoples for assistance, for you are the chosen ones.  And I’m sure you know why they chose the particular posts they chose rather than the millions of other wonderful posts you have written before.  Not like there is anything random about it at all.

Any suggestions?  If so, feel free to use the comment section below.  Or don’t.  See if I care.

Alice

P.S. Yes I do care.  Comments please.  Or I’ll keep drawing carrots.  I might even write a carrot poem. 

 

Sour Grapes and Whine

Exciting things have been happening in my blogger circle.  Le Clown did the impossible.  He got freshly pressed!  We were still reeling from someone getting pressed that was actually im-pressive (do you see what I did there?) when we heard that his lovely wife Sara had also been freshly pressed!  Talk about weird odds!  Not only that, she was pressed for a post on the clown’s serious site, Black Box Warnings, which is really cool because it calls attention to medication issues.  As someone who often has knee jerk reactions to those that are anti-meds because of personal experiences, I have seen a little of both sides and this site has made me rethink a few things.  Don’t you hate it when people freaking make you think?  Ugh.

Math is hard. I want to be a veterinarian because I really like children.

Well, it gets even weirder.  Two more of his followers, Rollergiraffe and Bumble Files were also pressed!  In fact, if you look right now, Le Clown, Sara, and Rollergiraffe (I hear her name is Jen) are all on the same page. I’ve never seen so many blogs I know and actually like on a Freshly Pressed page before.  And not one of them wrote about cooking or photography or cooking photography.  Amazing.

Pretty sure I have a recipe for Bunny Tea somewhere . . .

I am so very happy for all of these people, especially Le Clown and Sara because they have done so much for the blogging community and brought many of us together in their insane little circle.  It’s about time they got paid back for all their effort.  And I say this not because I actually consider them bloggy friends (we are still, like bloggy friends now that you’re famouser, right?) but because I mean it.  I’m not exactly a nicey nice person for the heck of it.

I am SO nice.

Which is sort of my problem.  For while I am genuinely happy for my friends, I admit that there is a part of me that is well, you knew this picture was coming up right? 

No, I will never get tired of this picture.

Remember the old cartoons with the devil and the angel on a person’s shoulders?  The angel says “Yay, you should be so happy for your friends!”  But the devil says “You’re so jealous you can’t see straight.  It’s not fairrrrr.  Hey, uh, want to make a deal?  I have this bald puppet friend that’s good with curses.  Just FYI.”

Psst, Alice, I can put a horse head in their comments box.

It’s a terrible battle, isn’t it?  The green-eyed monster really likes me.  He’s been hanging out since I was small.  It’s not a fun thing to admit that you can be a jealous little twerp.  But here I am, admitting it.  It’s one of my faults that I struggle to overcome.  Hey, that was totally an epiphany.  That’s like, something they might put on, I don’t know, some site that shows impressive blogs, you know?  Where are my food pictures? 

There’s food here. Supposedly.

I’m getting off track.  I do know I’m not the only jealous little twerp because up until this week Le Clown has been making awesome badges like this one. 

I have to admit. I love this one.

He thumbed his nose in the face of Big Brother WordPress.  Bah, WordPress!  Le suck, WordPress!  What’s this, I’m freshly pressed?  Whooo-hooo! (BTW this is exactly what I would do.)

So now we are short one Robin Hood, one who stands in the face of the Big Guy, who robs from the rich blogs to give to the poor blogs.  We need a new hero.  I think I’m just jealous and whiny enough to fill that role.  I’ve even got an official badge now that Le Clown has sold out been conducted rightly into the WordPress Hall of Fame.  It’s a lot of responsibility, but if that little twit Spiderman can do it, so can I.

Alice:
Totally better than Spiderman

You know, unless I get Freshly Pressed.  Then you guys are totally on your own.  But since I have the ultimate confidence in thyself, I doubt this will be for a while, so get used to your new self-proclaimed champion.  Besides being a petulant wanna-be, I also fight zombies.  I’m pretty well-rounded for a hero.  Or heroine.  No, that sounds like a drug.  Why do female versions of words sound so bad?  Like Master / Mistress?  What is up with that?  Anyway, make that hero.  I am your hero, so no need to hold out until the end of the night cause I’m strong and I’m fast and I’m fresh from the fight.  Get it?  Fresh.  Also larger than life.  And totally original too.

It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.  You’re welcome.

Update: Madame Weebles was also pressed.  I hate love you guys.

Another inspiring post from Ruby of Canvas of the Minds in honor of World Mental Health Day. Please check it out and leave her a comment or a like (or both). She’s so worth it!

Move over, Movember

You might have noticed, if you pay a weird amount of attention to the badges on my blog, and hey, who wouldn’t, that there is a new badge there.  It looks like this:

I have the coolest bling ev-ah

If you guessed that this badge was designed by a Canadian clown with too much time on his hands, you guessed right!  And I think it is pretty cool, cause even though there is not a unicorn on this badge, and it’s not gold, it does have a mustache.  And mustaches are pretty cool, especially if they are on Tom Selleck.  Observe:

I totally would have taken out Monica for him.

So what is Movember?  I’m not exactly sure.  It’s in November and it’s supposed to raise awareness for Prostate Cancer and mental illness in men.  I’m not a men, but I figure I have lots of Cancer and crazy in my family history, so I might as well support this.  

I know you don’t have a real picture of me, but I really am a gal, not some creepy dude with a strange fondness for little girls in pinafores (Hello, Mr. Carroll).  Some of my readers know me in the flesh (that’s personally, get your mind out of the gutter) so they could vouch for me.  Other than that, I guess you have to take my word for it.  But even though I don’t have a prostate that I know of, I still think Cancer sucks.  And if you have Cancer, you’re probably going to have depression too.  This Movember business fights both.

How?  Again, no idea.  But mustaches are involved.  I think you grow one if you’re a guy (or a female with lots of testosterone) or something.  You’d have to go to Le Clown’s blog and get further confused over there.  Anyway, if it’s a good cause I will support it, nevermind that I might win prizes while drawing more attention to my blog.  This never crossed my mind.

Anyway, stay tuned for further developments on Movember, like say, what it is and so on.  You’ll be glad you did.

Alice