Twilight Movie Recap: Part One
I was bored, which is always a dangerous sign. I noticed that Speaker had reviewed the latest (and it had better be the last) Twilight movie. Without actually watching it. So I thought, hey, I’ll watch them ALL and see if they’re any different than her predictions. Yes, 50 Shades has destroyed my mind.
My children decided to help me, and I do believe their commentary is better than mine. I recorded it all – and I swear this stuff came out of their mouths. All they knew of this series was the little bits I’d told them about it. I identify them by the monikers Thing One or T1 (12 years old) and Thing Two or T2 (8 years old) Yeah, they’re young, but they had mature parental guidance. Snort. (They are not seeing that last movie. I’m not sure if I can.) Anyway, here we go.
(Producer Summit Entertainment screen comes up.)
T1: How dare you support these movies, Summit?
(Scene selection screen – Edward bounces around Bella. Both kids scream.)
T2: Twilight – farting dawwwwn!
(Deer in forest gets chased by something.)
T1: Nooooo, Jacob, don’t eat the deer! Runnnn!
(Bella whines her intro) (She and Charlie drive across bridge)
T2: Break, bridge, break!
(Bella walks in her room. There is a picture of a wolf on the wall.)
T2: Oooh, it’s a wolf. (Even they get forced foreshadowing)
T1: He’s wearin’ a wig, you can tell. “I’m not a werewolf, I’m not a werewolf!”
(Dad gives her pickup.)
T1: Perfect for Bella to drive into a tree!
(Bella drives to school. Other students stare at her.)
T1: Like, who is that really pale girl? Bella: “I’m so dramatic. I haven’t smiled in 15 years.”
(First admirer sees Bella and acts like a twit. Bella just stumbles around dazed.)
(Cut to Bella playing volleyball.)
Girls chant: Hit her in the head, hit her in the head – yayyy!
(Lunch time – Bella is introduced to other students at the lunch table.)
T1: Oh, are you kidding me? Everyone already loves her.
Bella: Who are they?
T1: The cheerleaders.
(Jasper looks like he’s gonna puke. Oh, goodie, it’s the Edward.)
T1: Why do they think he’s gorgeous? He’s so pale. Blech. Enough stinkin’ dramatic music.
(Bella enters science class and walks by the fan. Hair blows dramatically. We all laugh.)
(Lab partner Edward covers mouth. Looks like he’s about to hurl.)
T1: Hey, I’m not a vampire, I won’t bite you.
(That stare, oh LOL. I’d forgotten how ridiculous it was.)
T1: He has that ability to make people depressed by looking at them.
(Bella talking to Mom on phone.)
Mom: Oh, Bella I miss you too.
T1: No she doesn’t.
(Holy crap, Bella’s remembering Edward and then BAM, the Edward creeper stare out of nowhere! We all scream again. And laugh.)
(Bella is soooo sad at school the next few days. No Edward! “Sure everyone else in the school loves me, but waaaah.”)
(Vampires attack workmen.)
T1: Love the smell of workman blood in the mornin’.
T2: Call Buffy!
(Bella goes to school. Two boys flirt with her. First boy: “Hey, I’m still a loser here.”)
(Edward’s back in lab. Stutter, stutter, stutter conversation. )
Edward: “I was out of town, personal reasons.”
T1: Yeah, I was killing people.
T1: You can tell Edward has the IQ of a peanut.
T1: Shouldn’t they be, like, doing their work?
T1: Half of this movie is staring.
(They walk down the hall together. For God’s sake, Bella can’t get a sentence out. She notices his eye color has changed. She’s known him two days. I don’t know my husband’s eye color. We’ve been married 13 years.)
(Truck scene – Tyler’s van nearly hits Bella. Edward stops van with his face. Everyone sees, but no one notices Edward or the Edward shaped dent in the car.)
At doctor’s. Carlisle walks in.
T1: Nooo, he wants blood donations ahhhh!
(Vampires talk about Bella. Bella peeks around corner. “Hiii.”)
(Edward: No, you silly girl, I wasn’t across the parking lot” Okay, fine, but how did you push the van away with your face?)
(Bella sleeping. Wakes up, Edward standing there. T1 screams.)
T1: Is there a stalker in the house?
(Bella has dramatic flashbacks.)
T1: You’ve only known him for like a day. What?
(Mike begs her for a prom date. Bella stammers – she’s too busy staring at dorkface. They go on a field trip.)
Teacher: Have a steaming cup of compost tea.
Edward: We can’t be friends.
T1: It’s all stare, stare, stare, uh, uh, uh.
(Lunch: Edward catches the apple – oooh, it’s like the book cover.)
Edward: if you were smart, you’d not hang around me (so I’m going to keep hanging around you.)
Bella: Maybe I’m not smart. (I’ll go for that one.)
Bella: Why don’t we hang out?
T1: Worst decision ever.
(La Push beach. Bella milks Jacob for info.)
T1: I’m a werewolf. Wait, no!
Jacob: We’re like descended from wolves. (Explains treaty with Cold Ones.)
T1: Okay this is lame.
Jacob: It’s just a story.
T1: Yeah, like it’s not like they’re vampires.
(Vampires show up and attack fisherman guy.)
T1: Duck and cover!
(Bella Google searches.)
At some point, T2 got bored and started coloring. Don’t blame her.
(Bella asks to go with girls to Port Angelus not for friendship but to find out about Edward. Twit. She’s all alone, walking down dark alley. Stalkers. Hey, everybody loves Bella! Edward drives the Bat Volvo up – okay the rapists are smart enough to be scared, but not Bella. Edward escapes with Bella.)
T1: Talk about bad driving.
(Bella eats w/ Edward.)
Bella: Did you follow me?
T1: Duh, I’m a stalker.
End Part One. Stay tuned. I’m not sure if I’ll lose my fellow reviewers or not. They’re saner than I am.
Parenting advice from the Duchess
While the Duchess sang the second verse of the song, she kept tossing the baby violently up and down, and the poor little thing howled so, that Alice could hardly hear the words:-
`I speak severely to my boy,
I beat him when he sneezes;
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!’
-Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
What a lovely nursery rhyme! Okay, so the Duchess would not be considered parent-of-the-year material. In fact, the whole shaken baby thing would definitely get her a day in court, unless the child were to turn into a pig, in which case she’d only have to worry about PETA.
But what makes the “perfect” parent? Obviously we don’t want to beat children for sneezing – not when there are so many other reasons to smack them. Not saying that I do, of course, but I doubt there’s a real parent on earth who hasn’t thought of it at least once. This is why television is such a lifesaver. Without the occasional use of the boob tube babysitter, I bet there’d be a lot more sneezing beatings.
But of course you’ll get the parents who know more than you do. Nevermind that thus far, you’ve managed to not kill your kids, a very awesome success in itself, these people are certain they are doing it better than you are. Their precious child never had a bottle, never watched a second of T.V., never threw tantrums, never ate anything but organic homemade food, never had a second of unstructured time. They did learn to speak, crawl, and walk earlier than other babies. Also, their children prefer the taste of spinach over chocolate, and eat it all the time, and are involved in every type of sport, and also make straight As. And then, of course, they wonder – what do YOU do?
I am a slacker mom. I used to be embarrassed about this, especially around the Stepford wife crowd, found anywhere, but especially known to congregate in churches. But now I look at my kids, and I realize that they’re not perfect, but they’re happy most of the time. They weren’t breastfed for years, but they have fewer allergies than their breastfed peers. They didn’t always walk and crawl and talk right when the book said they should, but my eldest hummed “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” to herself at less than a year.
Her little sister was more the scientist type than the artistic – at about 17 months she discovered through personal experimentation that super glue was, in fact, not a poisonous substance. And this was after quite a few hours of the dreaded Clifford the Big Red Dog, Teletubbies, and Big, Big World, a show that would make the staunchest environmentalist want to burn down a rain forest. But they did learn from these shows, and as far as I can tell, haven’t lost brain cells because of it. I might need to tone down the Disney channel, though, because I’m fairly sure I’ve lost some from it merely by secondhand exposure.
Sometimes I get mad at my kids and shout at them. Sometimes I’m too tired to play. Sometimes I have to GET OUT before I go completely insane. They aren’t in any structured activities save church and Girl Scouts. But thus far they haven’t written a tell-all book about me. And my eldest even wrote an essay praising my good qualities, including showing them vidoes on Youtube. Which might have made the teacher wonder. But, ah well. When I’m feeling down, I remember that at least I don’t beat them for sneezing. So, with any luck, they won’t grow up to be pigs after all.
Hey, all, I’m guest starring on Doggy’s Style blog today! Check it out!
50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Seven
*Warning: The following recap contains material unsuitable for children or adults or any animal and plant life and should be read with extreme caution. Names of right wing politicians are thrown about as curse words. I’m just sayin’
I hate this book. Hate. HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE. Hate, hate, hate. Really, there should be a better word for this, something far more insulting. Something like – I Fox News this book. Yes, that’s it. Fox Newssssssss! Bill O’Reily! Ann Coulter! Hell, at this point, I’m pulling out the big guns. RUSH LIMBAUGH.
Okay, enough dirty talk. You’re probably wondering about your essay questions. There were some really good ones (so says Sad Pony who reluctantly agreed to help when I showed him that bottle of Elmer’s.) But the best one came from Miss Four Eyes. I would say he was biased, but I had to agree with him on this one. She said:
“This books makes me want to curl up into a little ball and weep for the world. For the authors that write even slightly better that James and haven’t gotten published, for the people who like the book and use it as their sex bible, for the children because they are being raised in a world with such suckage out in the open, and for myself because I read it.”
Yes, James, what about the CHILDREN? Plus one bonus point, Miss Four Eyes.
Okay, let’s get to it. When last we left our demented duo, absolutely nothing was happening and this continues into the next chapter. Oh, sure, smart Ana identified Jack Hyde as the culprit (Christian is madfaced that she could identify him because that meant she looked at another man)(Red Flag), but pretty much everyone else knew by now except the two of them. I bet Taylor knew. I bet Taylor is working with Jack, cause Taylor seems fairly competent, yet keeps screwing up. Or does he? Hmmm.
There’s a bunch of blah, blah and more of that “are you hungry for food or – ya know – wink wink.” (AliceScreams) Ana is pouty because Mrs. Jones is in the kitchen doing her fucking job, but she’s eager to let Ana make Christian “sub” sandwiches – do you get it? Ana cleverly makes a joke about sexual slavery, cause “submissive” and “submarine” both . . . nevermind. (AnaFail, FacePalm) Christian says he likes his woman barefoot in the kitchen (of course) (Red Flag) but Ana adds in “barefoot and pregnant?” and Christian gets all freaky and oh GEE, could this be foreshadowing? It’s so goddamn subtle I’m not sure. (FacePalm)
Then they talk about the house blah blah (BoredNow) and Ana wonders if they should add a playroom to their family home (Sure, why the fuck not? Traumatize your children. It’s fun.) (AnaFail, FacePalm). They decide to watch X-Files on T.V. (BoredNow) and Ana asks Christian if he’s ever “made out” and he hasn’t but Ana has and . . . what? (WTF) This is the girl that had never pleasured herself or even fucking held hands with someone. But she’s been frenching guys? Nevermind. (FacePalm) Shockingly, Christian is disturbed that anyone else has had his tongue in Ana’s mouth, so he makes the fun makeout session into something terrifying, and not just because of the multiple baseball references (RedFlag).
He starts sexing her up, while interrogating her about boys she dated in freaking high school (Red Flag). “Did he do this? Touch you like this?” (RedFlag) Christian shoves his finger up her “down there pee-pee” again (AliceScreams) and Ana says that making out doesn’t involve sex, which Christian totally understands. “Homerun,” he says, shoving his baseball bat sized peen inside her (Red Flag). What a guy.
Silly Ana tries to argue with Christian and reflects that, “I am Anastasia when I am in trouble just like at home with my mother.” (Red Flag, AnaFail) Bing, bing, bing, bing! There’s a clue, Ana! Do you see it? Do we need to bring in Blue from Blue’s Clues to help you out there?
Finally, Ana goes back to her fucking job, which if you will recall, is as Editor, a position she, a recent college graduate, was promoted to after a week. (WTF) Elizabeth – who I think was Jack’s boss? Or coworker? I’m not sure what she does – comes in her office and acts all freaky weird, but she’s a woman, so Ana brushes it off (AnaFail) and gets to the important stuff. Like emailing Christian. (AliceScreams)
Turns out Christian is concerned with important matters. No, not the recent arson committed at his home, silly, it’s about Ana not taking his last name! (RedFlag) Here is where Alice starts to shout “LIMBAUGH” over and over at the top of her lungs, so be prepared. She tells him she wants to keep her name at work and that they’ll discuss it later, so Christian respects her by showing up at her workplace and barging into her office (RedFlag).
He starts out calling her one of his “assets” (Red Flag) that needs to be “rebranded.” (RedFlag) Aw, how cute! Her assistant (Ana has an assistant. Of course she does.) is all breathless over Christian, of course (AliceScreams) and Ana is annoyed with this, of course (AliceScreams). Christian enunciates “Ms. Steele” several times, cause he’s an asshole (RedFlag) but Ana actually says “You were rudely interrupting my workday to fight with me about my name.” Yep, that about covers it, asshat. Naturally, Christipoo sees nothing wrong with this, and, get ready, says “I like to make the odd impromptu visit. It keeps management on their toes, wives in their place.” (FUCKING RED FLAG, AliceRage). LIMBAUGH with an ANN COULTER on top! FOX NEWS!!!!
Still with me? Or did you fall back to the 1950s for a moment, cause I think I did. (WTF) Ana is actually annoyed with this comment, so I’m sure she’s going to follow through and tell Christipoo what she thinks of him by sticking his package in the door jam and slamming the door several times. Right, right? Let’s see. Ana asks AGAIN if they can please talk about this later (AnaFail), and Christian figures, hey, he’s here, why not now? (RedFlag) You’re only here, asshole, cause you came uninvited. Ann Coulter! (AliceRage)
Ana says she has work to do (those coloring pages are NOT going to color themselves!) so Christian pulls out Manipulation Device #3: You hurted my feelings, and asks if she’s “ashamed of him” (RedFlag) and Ana worries that he’s suddenly cold after having been such a peach on the honeymoon. (AnaFail) She also reflects on a lot of stuff I’m raging about, but DOES NOTHING ABOUT IT. (AnaFail, AliceScreams, AliceRage) She asks why it’s important, but duh, we know why, and Christian answers “Because you’re mine” (RedFlag) Yup, Christian done bought you, Ana-kins; you can know be known as Ana Grey™. He explains that marrying him was not enough, oh no, he says “I want your world to begin and end with me.” (RedFlag)
Yup, Ana, nothing you do is ever going to be good enough, short of signing over your entire body and soul, and even then he’s not going to trust you. Fuck, Ana, surely you must watch Lifetime movies, right? (AnaFail) Guess what, you’re in one, and those movies don’t end well, idiot. Naturally, Ana feels sorry for poor Christian, cause once he was abused and guess what? (AnaFail) Millions of people across the planet have been abused, many much more heinously than Christipoo, and they don’t act like psycho assholes! (AliceRage) ROMNEY / RYAN!
But hey, Christian is such a dreamboat, which is why Ana says to herself, “I must not cry. I must not cry.” (RedFlag) She tells him she doesn’t want his name because then they might think he got her the job and omg guess what you will never guess! Turns out Christian did get her the job, which is so surprising, because I thought every brand new assistant got given a full Editor’s job with absolutely no fucking experience. (AnaFail) Hell, the janitor probably had more experience. But, don’t worry, Christipoo won’t use this as a way of putting her in her place oh yes of course he will. (RedFlag)
After making her feel like she’s shit, he tells her she’s “risen to the challenge” and I’m like, yeah right, she made him rise, maybe, but she’s an idiot. A monkey could do a better job, even if he did throw shit around the office. (FacePalm) But if you’re rich, talent doesn’t matter, and Christian tells his “errant wife” he’s giving her the company as a present. (WTF) Yay! Ana says that, at 22 and just recently graduated, and oh yeah, a total fucking moron, she doesn’t know squat about running a business but Christian says sure she does cause she likes to read! (FacePalm) Yes! Of course. That’s how I got to be a librarian, you know. I liked to read. That’s all we fucking do, and I’m sure that’s all editors do, sit around and read all day. This goddamn book. (AliceRage) Limbaugh, Limbaugh, Limbaugh. O’Reily. Limbaugh.
I realize this is longer than most of my reviews, but guyz, the shit just keeps getting’ better. Christian gives her the “how you doin’” look (Manipulation Device #4: Sexy Times) (AliceScreams) and I’m like OMG they are going to do it on the desk please kill me now but Ana says no and for some reason Christian doesn’t rape her this time. He does keep irritating her until she agrees to take his name, at which point he claps for himself and says “Mission Accomplished” which is just as bad as when George W. said it and half of the free world wanted to kick his ass for being a douchebag. (RedFlag)
Ana feels like she’s “been run over by a freight train” but doesn’t see this as any kind of warning or anything, because she’s a moron. (AnaFail) Instead, she decides to solve the problem by . . . emailing! (AliceScreams)
After work, she’s pissed at Christian, which I’m sure will last, yeah right. (AnaFail) Christian laughs at her, but then realizes she might keep being mad, so he’d better pull out another manipulation device, stat, and says “I have issues” cause that’s always a good excuse. (RedFlag) You can’t blame me for getting stoned and running over my neighbors. I have ISSUES, okay, you guyz? Christian then tells her she’s “Like a priceless asset, like a child.” (RedFlag, AliceRage) and Alice says WTF, seriously that is just so damned appropriate. (WTF) Since she’s his “child” he tells her she can take out her rage on him in bed later and WTF, James, just WTF. (RedFlag)
But let’s concentrate on what’s most important. The realtor is coming over, and she’s hot, so Ana must compensate by dressing like a tramp. (WTF, FacePalm) Christian turns on the classical music, a requiem (how fucking appropriate) and I bet this is on the soundtrack oh goooody! They dance, and SHOCK, Ana forgives him, just before the evil good looking realtor woman arrives at the door. END CHAPTER.
Final Score:100-106 = (-6) –160 = -166
Now that’s just impressive, folks. What can I give that?
Question Eight: What happens in Chapter 8?
A) Ana acts like the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched a bitchfest.
B) Taylor and Mrs. Jones do it on the piano and the table and the kitchen counter to get even and Ana says ewwww.
C) While cutting Christian’s hair, Ana accidentally cuts off his package. Oopsies!
But WAIT, there’s MORE! I’ve had to close comments Saturday evening so Sad Pony can count for me. It’s getting tight! We have a three-way going. Um, a three-way TIE for third place. Anyway, here are our current standings:
Storkhunter 24 +2 + 1 = 27
faithhopechocolate 20 + 1 + 1 = 22
Ravinj 16 + 1 + 1 = 18
Speaker7 15 + 2 + 1 = 18
MissFourEyes 14 +1 + 1 + 2 = 18
Carrie Rubin 15 + 2 = 17
Giggles McGill Jill 6 + 5 + 3 = 14
Love and Lunchmeat 5 + 4 = 9
The Bumble Files 4 + 2 = 6
Angel Fractured 5
Ruby Tuesday 4
Doggy’s Style 1 + 1 + 2 = 4
Jen and Tonic 3 + 1 = 4
Lulu Stark 2
Madame Weebles 1
Society Red 1
And a happy new bling
Well. Just when I’d finished that other bling thanky post, I got another award. Oh, bother, can’t you see I’m busy? Hahaha, yeah I didn’t believe that either. YAY. Okay, so this happened to be the same award I’d already gotten, but that’s okay with me because Sad Pony and Squirrel have been looking longingly at my awards, so I can now share. But first they have to fight over it. I think they’ve been itching to do that anyway. Or possibly I’ve just gone insane.
So what I got was the Liebster award, again. See, Storkhunter gave it to me this time, right after lovelifelaundry gave it to me. Did you know they were sisters? This blogging world is totally related. It’s like, we’re all connected, you know, like far out, man, like did I just smoke something?
If you’ll recall, the Liebster Award is the German one that is not an award for Nazi blogs. I feel the need to point this out. It is totally Nazi free. Just like the majority of American blog awards are free from Westboro Baptist Church. Except for the “Evil Douchebag Blogger Award.” which I’m pretty sure belongs to them.
Right, but anyhoo, I felt the need to crank out another blog post because Storkhunter pointed out that, yello, you are supposed to answer questions and then make new questions for other people. Whoops. Once again I didn’t read instructions. What a Dummkoph I am! (Dummkoph is German for stupid head.)
Here are storkhunter’s questions, which are different from her sister’s. I know. And here I thought they laughed alike and walked alike and sometimes even watched stupid shows like Patty Duke. So here they are:
- What is the square root of 473? Red
- Do you make sure that you wear correct day of the week underwear? Yes. It’s Columbus Day, right? SHIT.
- If today will be tomorrow’s yesterday and today’s tomorrow, when’s tomorrow? Jupiter
- What’s in your fridge right now? Not sure but it’s achieved intelligence and will not let me open the door.
- Shirts – hang up or fold? Leave in the laundry basket until they mold together into one mass and someone says “Are these clean?” and you don’t know so you wash them again.
- Does it piss you off when people spell your name wrong? Yes. No one can spell my last name. But at least my kids learned how to spell their last name that way because I have to spell it every single time I go anywhere and give my name. It’s not that freaking hard, people!
- What music are you listening to right now? I’m asking this because I’m fed up of the tunes on my ipod. Need some good recommendations. I’m listening to crickets right now. But earlier I was listening to James Brown, king of parole. I feel goood.
- Pet names – love ‘em or hate ‘em? (I mean baby, sweetie, honey not Buster, Rover, Fluffles). Rover would be a good pet name for Ana Steele. Since she is a pet. Otherwise, hate ’em.
- Blogging in bed. Do you? Yeah, it annoys my husband when we’re being intimate and I say, “Wait one sec, I gotta respond to this comment.” He’s so unreasonable.
- Planes, trains or automobiles? Segway. I like to be cool.
- How much do you hate me right now? I love you. We are all connected in the great circle of life, like a wheel within a wheel, oh oh – Squirrel just puked all over the floor.
Okay, my turn. I get to ask you unlucky people questions which you can proceed to ignore but don’t, cause this is a chainmail award and if you do ignore it then Republicans will win the next ten elections. Don’t be responsible for that.
1. How much more fabulous is Alice than other bloggers, like, say, those who are French Canadian?
2. What’s your favorite book? (If you say 50 Shades, you go to Hell.)
3. Sad Pony or Squirrel?
4. What’s your social security number?
5. How many houses does John McCain own?
6. How many fingers am I holding up?
7. Edward or Christian?
8. What’s your most hated children’s show?
9. How much longer can I stretch out this post?
10. If one train is coming at 50 miles per hour and another train is coming at 75 miles per hour, what kind of sandwich am I eating?
11. What should I make my eleventh question?
My award recepients. Lucky, lucky people.
Stork Hunter (because she’s valedictorian of my made up class and that ought to come with some perks, right? Plus, she gave me this award and now she gets it back! Regifting is awesome.)
faithhopechocolate (ditto for the salutatorian.)
The Bumble Files (She boosts Alice’s ego. Alice likes that.)
Love and Lunchmeat (She let me on her Zombie Apocalypse Task Force.)
Childhood Relived (Because she reminds me of 80s stuff best left forgotten)
Carrie Rubin (Because she reminded me that there are decent books out there.)
StetotheJ (He writes the BEST blurbs ever, with swoony forsooths and whatnot. Oh, and he has great reviews on his site.)
Bling for everybody! That I remembered at this very second!
Bling bling bells, bling bling bells . . .
Did you catch that title? It’s like Jingle Bells, only it’s Bling bells, which are so much better because I don’t want to shoot them like I do Jingle Bells after I’ve heard it for the 47th time every single day leading up to Christmas, the day of Jesus and Macy’s.
But back to bling, which has nothing to do with Christmas, of course. You see, you might not have realized this, but this is an awards post. I know, right? I was given two awards, the Brilliant Blog Award and the Liebster Award. The Brilliant Blog Award was made just for me. Yes it was. No, it does not have a picture of anything like that, you weirdos. It’s a light bulb, for my fabulous ideas. Of which I have some. Occasionally. Anyhoo, it’s from Sunny With A Chance of Armagaddeon, who I’m pretty sure I said had the absolute best blog name ever, and there should be an award for best blog name. Get to work on that, whoever makes awards out there.
And there are questions, and since I was caught by somebody for not following the rules last time (cough, scienerf, cough) I will be good and follow them to the let-ter. So here we go.
- Write an acceptance speech, linking back to the person who gave it to you.
- Write 7 things you believe in.
- Give the award to as many brilliant blogs as you would like to share the love.
1. Acceptance Speech:
This is not a problem with me. I’ve been practicing acceptance speeches all my life, just like Mitt Romney. So I would like to say, thank you to all the other bloggers who have stood by me through it all, back when there was no bling to be found, and I was destitute. Of bling. I would also like to thank the Academy, and my dog who has been dead for like 20 years, and the clouds, and the trees, and Squirrel and Sad Pony and . . . why are you playing that music so loud?
2. Seven Things I Believe In
Crystal Light (cause I believe in me!)
3. Nominate bloggers.
I’m guessing this means don’t be freaking lazy and say everyone can have it. And here I thought I was being all generous in the Christmas spirit of Macy’s. But okay. I’ll leave them to the end, after I talk about my next award.
The Liebster Award was given to me by lovelifelaundry (another great blog title – who can get away from freaking laundry? It’s evil. Laundry, not the blog, which is tops.) Liebster is German for “dearest” and is given to Nazi blogs with less than 200 followers. Did you hear that? Yeah, I don’t believe it either. Less than 200? I figured there were a bazillion followers by now. (Actually I’m amazed there are over 20, but stay with me here.) Oh, and as it turns out, this award has nothing to do with Nazis, my bad.
There are questions for this one too! Golly, talk about me again? I just don’t know if I okay here I go!
MY 11 questions are:
1. What is your greatest stength?
X-ray vision. Also some people think I’m funny.
2. When was your proudest moment?
When my babies were born and I stopped being possessed by the little aliens.
3. How long do you wait for a bus before giving up and going home
I haven’t ridden a bus in a long time. I’d say five seconds, because I’m patient.
4. E-books or real books?
Yes. I mostly like real books, unless I’m reading something stupid like 50 Shades. Then I like to go incognito.
5. How far would you go to get what you want?
Is assault too far? What if it was someone seriously annoying?
6. Whom would you invite round for dinner?
Ana Steele. Then I’m smack her head into the mashed potatoes a billion times.
7. What is your biggest fear?
That we’ll get a Republican Prez in 2016.
8. What makes you laugh out loud?
Me! And many other funny people and their blogs.
9. Your greatest weakness?
You thought I was going to say Kryptonite, right? Wrong! It’s the color yellow.
10. If I had one wish I would wish for…..
Eternal life. Except then I’d get stuck in prison or something.
11. If you had to come back in a different era, which one would it be?
Medival Times – but only the medieval times that you see in the movies, not the one with no flush toilets.
Now the nominees! I think these are pretty good questions, so if you wanna answer them and take the awards, go for it.
Scienerf (because I want her to write yet another award post this week)
Ravinj (because she likes homework)
Speaker7 (because Hugo keeps dangling my lock of hair over a lighter)
GiggsMcGill Jill (because she’s cool, like, really cool, man.)
Jen and Tonic (so she can feel guilty about talking about clown boy on my press release blurb post)
Miss Four Eyes (because both Sad Pony and Squirrel nominated her for her . . . I’m gonna go with brilliance here.)
I know I’m leaving somebody(s) off here. Just send me a MLP horsehead pic and I’ll get the idea. Alice says thanks for all the love! And bling.
Alice’s Thanksgiving Special
Thanksgiving. What a weird freakin’ holiday. You celebrate being thankful by buying up every bit of food in the grocery store and cooking a massive, gluttoness meal while others starve. Now I’m not saying I work every Thanksgiving in a soup kitchen, just that you gotta admit this is weird, and something only Americans would come up with. It’s capitalism with a side of gravy!
Of course I wasn’t nearly so cynical as a child, though I still thought Thanksgiving was a crap holiday. I mean, you got food. So what? We always had food – that just magically appeared. Like socks and underwear. So why a holiday about food? Where were the darn presents? Then I’d be a little more thankful. At least we got some time off of school.
School was equally weird. You celebrated the story of “The First Thanksgiving.” You have to wonder if any of this crap really happened of if this was a massive marketing scam for turkey suppliers. Anyway, we all know the story. The pilgrims were starving because they couldn’t figure out that you could put these things called seeds in the ground and get plants you could eat. Look, I’m no gardener by any means, but even I know that you can get food (supposedly) by planting seeds for it in the freaking ground. Although all the gardens we ever tried to make, even when I was a kid, were dismal failures. One time we planted corn and my pet dachshund claimed it and snarled if we came near. She liked corn on the cob. She was a weird dog.
Wait, where was I? Anyway, maybe the Pilgrims were all just crappy gardeners like me. I guess that would explain some things. So enter Squanto, an Indian. The Pilgrims called the native peoples Indians cause Christopher Columbus thought he’d landed in India and called them that. So their name was just a geography error. Good one, Columbus. I’d have been a little hostile too if someone had shown up at my house and decided to call me a Martian cause he was pretty sure he’d landed on Mars (admittedly parts of Texas look like the surface of the planet.)
So there was some tension between the Pilgrims and the Indians. The pilgrims would shoot at them, and the Indians would get annoyed and throw their axes and do that hollering thing while patting their mouths and dancing in a circle and wait I’m remembering the old Bugs Bunny cartoon, sorry. They didn’t like each other, let’s say. But then one day (this was Thankgiving day, you guys) the Pilgrims were all starvin’ all over the place and probably making a lot of noise about it, because they were Americans, and we never do anything quietly. And the Indians were getting tired of it, so they said, “Squanto, go shut them up. Give stupid white man corn. Plant it for him if he too stupid. Why I talk like this? I not a moron. Stop doing Indian talk, Alice.” Oh, sorry, Chief whats-your-name-not-as-fun-to-say-as-Squanto. Squaaaanto.
So Squanto came, and the Pilgrims decided that since they were starving, they would wait to shoot him after Thanksgiving, which was nice of them. Squanto showed them the planting thing – probably several times since I think these guys were kind of dumb – then pointed to the enormous birds that were hangin’ out all over the place. “Hey, white guys. Shoot the big, ugly birds!” he said. And the pilgrims did. And then they did buy brown and serve rolls and cook green bean casserole and roast turkey. And they invited the Indians to come on down and they all sat together and nom nommed together like buddies which was way cool. Until the next day when we started killing them with smallpox infected blankets and breaking treaties and stuff.
Besides hearing the Thanksgiving Story, we also did Thanksgiving crafty stuff. I can remember making the Pilgrim hats and Indian feathers (cause they all wore feathers, you know) and some of us were Pilgrims and some of us were Indians. The boys wanted to be the Indians because they liked the idea of scalping people. And we often had really lame plays. I remember helping in one kindergarten class, and one of the kids said, “The Indians were surprised to see the Pilgrims because they had never seen real people before.” Good thing all of us grew up and got more enlightened than that, right?
We also drew with markers on tin foil. I have no idea why. We drew cornucopias, which were like giant bugle chips with food falling out of them. Supposedly that’s what the Pilgrims ate out of, though it doesn’t seem like the best method of storage to me. Maybe that’s why they were starving. Also, we drew turkeys by tracing our hands on construction paper and our parents had to act like they were great. They also had to sit through our programs which were terrible and for which I am now paying with my own children. The circle of life.
As an adult, Thanksgiving is slightly better in that someone else cooks for me (it turns out food, at least decent home-cooked food, doesn’t magically appear. Neither do socks and underwear.) On the other hand, you have the trade-off of having to be with extended family which can be tenser than the very first Thanksgiving when the people eating had just been trying to kill each other days before. But still, it’s a holiday, and most people get time off work. Unless you’re some unlucky person that has to work retail during the next great American holiday, Black Friday, which now starts on Thursday, which is actually Thanksgiving. Where you give thanks for working at Target for minimum wage and not even getting an entire day with your family. Yay!
Oh, wait, I was going to end on a happy note. Um, remember the Charlie Brown special? That was fun, right? I don’t actually remember any of it, except I think Snoopy had a Pilgrim hat on. That little scamp. I’d have totally put that dog to sleep. Um, helped him go to sleep with a little pillow and blankie. Yeah. I’m gonna stop now.
Happy turkey day!
50 Shades of Extra Credit!
For Update 2 I announced that extra points could be awarded for interesting posts. I got some. Also, to be fair, I went back and found my favorite comments from past posts. They ranged in content from kissing up to me to flirting with depressed ponies to sex with hamsters and Crisco. Talk about a fun bag of flaming vaginal balls. Check it out.
Contest Update 2
Miss Four Eyes –
“I’d like to bring my grades up please. I’m pretty hot so can I give you a call?
Fair warning, I’m growing a mustache in honor of Movember. And I quit shaving my legs too (not for Movember, but just because)
But still pretty darn hot. Whatdya say?”
Sad Pony and Squirrel say two thumbs up – 2 extra points
Love and Lunchmeat –
Dear Mrs. Alice,
Besides being my favorite blogger ever, you are super pretty, smart, funny, and creative. Your pumpkin with the mustache was the highlight of my (sad little) life. Also, you don’t look a day over 26.
With lot of love and (ass) kisses,
L & L
Flattery will get you everywhere. Plus 1 point!
“Buttplugs tied with whips? Tiny little exploding Charlie Tangos with mini Ana and Christian’s inside? A certificate titled “fair point well made”?”
Excellent suggestions for possible diplomas. Plus 1 point!
Jen and Tonic –
“If I slip you 50 (shades of) Dollars, will my ranking go up?”
Alice is still waitin’ on that money. Plus one point.
We got some awesome fill-in-the-blank comments on this one. They made my “down there” so happy. The questions were:
5A: The next chapter will be one, long, horrible, vomit-inducing sex scene involving Christian, Ana, and a __________.
5B: Christian gives Ana a present. It is a ________.
5C: Later Ana makes a big deal about cleaning the ________.
Speaker 7 –
5A: vat of crisco
5B: Fat Magnet™: As seen on TV
5C: crisco-encrusted vaginal balls
5B: golden vaginal ball
5C: million dildos
5A – and a blow up doll named Sven with spikes protruding everywhere.
5B – it is a big wooden paddle, one with holes in to do whatever the holes are there for, I don’t know but I’m sure you like details in these answers.
5C – …about cleaning the vomit up that all decent people who read the books shes in emit copiously.
Only answered one, so I guess it goes for all three. “Chipmunk”
Miss Four Eyes
5A. A rattlesnake
5B. Slave girl uniform
5C. Elmo phone she thought was sooo hot
The Bumble Files
5A. A rattlesnake – I second that one!
5B. A ball of yarn ??? – Christian will think of something
5C. pillows – you know because of all her drool
C. Kitty litter.
5A: Luigi (I mean, he’s on the page so much, I feel like he needed to be included one more time. Especially because he just makes the scenes)
5B: a brain
5C: plate? (I mean, maybe she finally grows a backbone and decides to eat whatever the hell she wants to! Well – here’s hoping for a little backbone power anyway…)
A: security guard
B: Feed bag, so she can graze constantly
Why am I tempted to say “20 inch dildo” in reply to all three questions? I suspect it’s because it’s just that predictable…
They were all so good, I couldn’t choose one. Plus 3 points for everyone.
This time the question was True or False!
Question 5A: Ana is the worst character in the history of ever. True/False
Question 5B: This book has caused brain damage. True / False
Question 5C: E.L. James plans on writing a youth novel next. True / False
“Question 5B: This book has caused brain damage.
True! I can feel my brain cells curling up and committing suicide and I’ve not even read the book, only your descriptions!”
Brain cell suicide description is so lyrical! Plus 1 point!
Question Four: What will happen in Chapter Four?
(A) Ana takes off on the Jet Ski but the Jet Ski is sabotaged by the evil doer that took down Charlie Tango! She slams into the yacht and the Jet Ski explodes, igniting something flammable in the yacht and the whole thing goes up in flames. Ka-boooooom!
(B) Christian takes dirty pictures of Ana with his new camera.
(C) The emails return and a kitten’s brain explodes.
“Maybe Ana’s willingness to withstand pain and comfort Christian is E.L. James’ way of showing how “strong” Ana is. Or maybe E.L. James and these books suck a big flaming vaginal ball.”
Speaker has such a way with words. Plus one point for flaming vaginal balls!
“You know, I think you should stop reading these for the good of your mental health.”
I appreciate the concern but is to fine me. Plus point one!
Question Two: What’s going to happen in Chapter Three?
A. Ana discovers that she is covered in hickies and bruises and temporarily grows a spine before being sexed into submission by that silly old Christian.
B. Christian has a flashback about crackwhore mom braiding his hair.
C. Taylor, Phillipe, and Gaston handcuff Christian and Ana together, and toss them overboard. Christian tries desperately to stick his peen in her one last time as they sink to the bottom.
“And Paparazzi? Seriously? She really put that in there? Wait a second, why am I surprised? It makes no sense, so of course it’s in there! And that position???? Arms and legs shackled together? Sounds so comfy and romantic! I think I’ll go home and try that with my wife tonight! Thank you EL James!
Thank you for torturing yourself for us! God speed, Alice!”
You’re welcome. Plus one point.
Love and Lunchmeat
“P.S. Ana’s boobs are SPARKLY. I think that explains just about everything.”
Yes, it does. Plus one point
Contest Update 1
“I gather from your post that I have read these books. Is that true? I don’t think I have. I have a distant memories of disintegrating panties and jet skis, but I’ve been drinking a lot of Robitussin so I’m blaming them on that.”
I’d rather drink cough syrup than think about disintegrating panties. Plus one point. Off to find the NyQuil.
Question Two: What happens in Chapter 2?
- Christian trusses Ana up like a stuck pig and fucks her till she screams. Romance!
- The yacht blows up, sending Christian and Ana chunks across the ocean blue.
- Ana shows a spine for a few seconds and tells Christian she can dress how she wants, but then remembers she has no self-respect or brain power and goes back to normal.
“I would like to subtract an additional 10 points for every time Christian touched Ana’s privates and said “Mine.””
Done and Done
Intro Post: Back to School
“I’m going with B.
Having known Alice since…a long, long time ago, I feel compelled to reveal that she used to make up quizzes for me about Star Trek (and vice versa, but she was better at it), back in junior high.
You should do some true/false questions. Or matching!”
True. I was weird even then. True /false idea was awesome. Plus one point.
New class rankings as of Update 2 (not including Lesson Six) w/ bonus points. WTF is Alice doing? What are all these numbers? Enjoy!
Storkhunter 14 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 3 + 3 + =24
faithhopechocolate 13 + 1 +1 +1 +1 + 3 = 20
Ravinj 7 + 1 + 4 + 3 +1 = 16
Carrie Rubin 9 + 2 + 1 + 3 = 15
Speaker7 6 + 1 + 1 + 3 + 1 + 1 +1 = 15
MissFourEyes 6 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 3 = 14
Lesbiannextdoor 5 + 1 + 3 +1 = 10
Giggles McGill Jill 2 + 1 + 3 = 6
Angel Fractured 5
Love and Lunchmeat 3 +1+1 = 5
Jemmy 1 + 1 + 3 = 5
StetotheJ 1 + 3 = 4
Ruby Tuesday 4
The Bumble Files 1 + 3 = 4
Jen and Tonic 1 + 1 +1 = 3
Madame Weebles 1
Society Red 1
Doggy’s Style 1
As you can see, Storkhunter has maintained her lead, and for a while it looked like faithhopechocolate was going to lose her rank to Ravin, but at the last minute, boom, she’s back in second. The excitement makes me wanna pee – except I was told not to – wait, I’m not Ana Steele. Keep it up, kiddos! See you in class next week! There is nothing wrong with my mental state!
50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Six
Oh my God. I officially hate sex scenes now. And I’m no prude. I mean, I’ve read the romance books – er, I’ve turned to the middle of the book and read the sex scenes. Don’t look at me like that, so have you. But sex is literally all these people do, at least when they’re not involved in some idiot afterthought plot device. And it got old in the first book.
Anyway, I thought it was bad enough in Book One when we got the tampon scene. Then in Book Two we got the ice cream as a douche scene. But this . . . this one . . . just . . . I don’t even.
Let’s answer the questions. Actually all three have the same answer. 5A: Christian and Ana use a buttplug. 5B: The buttplug is Christian’s “gift” (thanks honey!) 5C: And then Ana obsesses about how to clean the butt sauce off of the buttplug. Truly, this book deserves the Pulitzer Prize, people.
Chapter 6 starts with Christian and Ana heading for the playroom, and holy crap I wish this were Pee Wee’s playroom because anything would beat this shit. (FacePalm) Also, we could all yell at the top of our lungs every time they say the secret word (the secret word is “fuck” kids). Ana thinks about how Mrs. Jones has been cleaning in there again and oh how embarrassing (AnaFail) and I’m thinking that surely Mrs. Jones could find another job, any other job, that was better than this one. I don’t care how much he pays her. Run, Mrs. Jones, run! Don’t clean another buttplug! They cannot take your Freee-dom!
So then comes the Sex (Sexy Times, BoredNow, AlicePukes). Ana gets down to her “lacy bra and panties” and Christian says “You’re a fine sight, Mrs. Grey” (AliceScreams). Then he promptly sticks his face in her crotch (AlicePukes) and says “And you smell of me and sex” (AlicePukes, RedFlag) Yuck. We get it, Christian, you marked her with your pee two books ago.(RedFlag) Shut up. And get your face out of there. You know where it’s been. (AlicePukes)
Ana reflects that he is so “naughty“ (AnaFail) which is her way of saying “creepy” I guess. Christian orders her to turn away from him and says, shit, “We aim to please Mrs. Grey, and you wanted a surprise.” (AliceScreams, Red Flag). Again with the royal we. How many personalities does Christian have? (Red Flag) I don’t want to know.
Ana lusts after “barefoot Christian” (AliceScreams) again. WTF with the foot fetish, E.L.? (WTF) He opens the drawer of sex toys and Ana thinks “Toys! Oh, I love, love, love this anticipation!” (AnaFail) Yes, anticipation is right. Like how one anticipates a root canal. Also, I have a bad feeling this toy is not going to be a Barbie doll. At least, God, I hope not.
Now for the spankings! (RedFlag) Wheee! Ana gets to lay across a table with instructions not to let go or breathe or anything unless she wants him to hit her, which she does, because she’s Ana (AnaFail, Red Flag). We hear about her feeling “his erection pressing against his jeans” (AliceScreams) and I wonder whether he is ever not erect. Surely people notice him walking along like a sundial all the time. (WTF)
Christian’s says “I see you’re very wet, Ana” (AliceScreams) and I wonder if she’s ever not wet. She probably has to wear Depends all the time (WTF). Then he shoves his fingers in her and says “Mine” (AliceScreams). Yup, she’s all yours, Christian. Try not to break her too fast, cause you’ll never find an animate inflatable doll like that again.(FacePalm)
And then, dun dun dun, he puts lube on her butt, and Ana thinks “Is he going to fuck my ass?“ (AnaFail, AlicePukes) Ana talks about him lubricating her “there” (AliceScreams) and now we’ve got her calling her vagina and her butthole “there” which is going to get confusing. She needs a “there pee-pee” and a “there go poop-poop”) so we can keep stuff straight. Christian pulls out her present which is a buttplug! (FacePalm) Remember guys, these make great stocking stuffers for that special lady in your life!
Ana says “Oh, my” (AliceScreams) and “Holy Crap” (AliceScreams) and “Ah!” (AliceScreams) and has a detailed description of the buttplug swirlin’ around in her butt (AlicePukes) and Iwonder how far in the minus her grade will be this time. We hear the “telltale sound of his zipper opening” (AliceScreams) because this has become her new code for “prepare for re-entry” because they’re married and married peoples don’t use condoms. There’s more “Fuck!” and “Oh, baby” (AliceScreams) and Ana is spinning and falling into her orgams (AliceScreams) and finally the scene is freaking over. THIS is what women are getting all hot over. THIS.
They talk about being “thoroughly well fucked” (AliceScreams) and boy, they aren’t the only ones. They take a bath together and Ana’s bobo stings, but only for a tiny bit cause she’s a snowflake, remember (FacePalm). We get a way too long bit about Ana trying to sneakily clean the buttplug (BoredNow) and complaining that the housekeeper keeps wanting to help her – gee, I feel her pain. (AnaFail) Christian doesn’t want her to go back to work, but she does, cause hey, she’s the Editor now, of course. (WTF)
It’s still not quite over yet. She finds pictures Christian took of her – some while she was sleeping with her thumb in her mouth (I am not fucking kidding here) (AnaFail) and then several where she’s awake and right there with him and how the hell do you miss a picture taken of you from a huge camera like that when it’s only inches away from you? Moron. (AnaFail)
And then Blah, blah she’s worried about Christian (BoredNow) and goes and crawls in his lap while he looks at the security tape and they see that it’s dun dun dun Jack Hyde who set the fire! Zomg, I never would have guessed! (FacePalm) Chapter End. Thank God.
100 – (33*2)= 34 – ( 14 *10) 140 = -106
I’m not sure if there’s a grade for that. She could have not written anything, and come out six points ahead (and wouldn’t we have been grateful?) But still, it needs a grade. How about this?
(In Chapter 7, Alice goes on a hate rampage because OMG that chapter is even worse than this one how is that possible? Anyway, that prompts this question:)
Question Six: Short Essay!
How much does the 50 Shades series suck in terms of book suckage? Explain.