Crap this is crap. Crap, crap, crap. But at least I’m already on chapter . . . four.
Alright, so A) Ana hits the yacht with her jet ski and kaboom is wrong (don’t tell sad pony). Also wrong is B) Christian takes dirty pictures of Ana. Well, at least it’s wrong so far. That only leaves C) The emails. They’reeeeeeeeeee baaaaaaaaaack!
Okay, so chapter four opens with Ana feeling restless. I am on the edge of my fucking seat here (BoredNow). Ana gets an idea in her tiny, tiny brain to take out the jet-ski by herself and tells poor Taylor (AnaFail). Wow, who could think Christian might have a problem with the biggest moron in the universe taking out a jet ski? Considering she face planted in his office and all she had to do was walk across carpet, this should go so well (FacePalm).
Taylor hesitates (Guy wants to live. Go figure.) so she gets all bravefaced and courageous and tells her husband she wants to go out! (AnaFail) Wow, like, I don’t have to get bravefaced for that. I just say “I’m going out.” And husband says “Bye.” But for Ana-kins, this is a major achievement (FacePalm). She says “Taylor doesn’t hide his admiring smile.” (AnaFail) He’s not admiring you, you little twit. He’s thinking “Can I kill her and make it look like an accident?”
So she figures out the jet-ski after only a couple of tries (naturally) and is all “this is fun!” and “Ha ha! It still keeps going!” and “Math is hard!” (AnaFail) She spins around the boat and Christian sees her and takes out his gun and plugs her one and for once I actually like Christian. Oops. Drifted off again. Anyway, he sees her, and Ana thinks “What was I thinking?” and I think “Nothing, bitch” and Christian gets madfaced, and poor Taylor has to listen to his shit (AnaFail). Yet Ana doesn’t feel bad for him, she feels bad for her poor “pathologically overprotective husband.” Yeah, um, did you notice the whole “pathological” thrown in there, Ana-kins? That’s not a good thing (AnaFail). And Taylor, you really don’t have to take this. It’d be so easy to kill them both. No one would have to know. Secret’s safe with me.
Ana talks to Christian on the phone and is all excited because she gets “permission to have fun.” (FacePalm). Having just gotten off the phone, it only make sense that Ana would then decide to . . . God no . . . email him. (EmailAbuse).
Moving on, Ana goes shopping and whines about how hard it is to be rich (BoredNow, AnaFail). She calls up pathetic, stupid, lovesick Jose, wakes him up, and asks him what kind of camera she should buy new husband. He’s a little annoyed by this and Ana thinks “I don’t need this right now” because crap, why wouldn’t he want to be woken up by someone he has a thing for so he can give her advice on a gift for her asshole husband? (AnaFail, FacePalm) Ana returns to the boat and gives Christi-poo her gift – a Nikon Camera. Why is it always a brand name? Is she fucking getting paid for this? How many sponsors does she have? And why would they want to sponsor this? (WTF)
Ana’s subconscious “glares at her like she’s a domesticated farm animal.” Good one, subconscious! She tells him he can take pictures of her, and he gets all freaked out, and worries that he might be objectifying her by taking her picture (that’s objectifying? WTF?) and Ana is all I totally love rough sex just not hickies and Christian is confused and so am I (AnaFail). Ana thinks Christian being “uncomfortable” about her bruises is “chilling.” (AnaFail). No, that would be normal, Ana, which admittedly confuses me, since we’re talking about Christian here. So she questions him about what’s wrong, blah blah blah (BoredNow) and takes stupid pictures of him and then he sticks his peen in her (SexyTimes) and this does nothing to relieve my boredom (StillBoredNow). Then they lay there and blather on about their vows (AlicePukes, EvenMoreBoredNow, FacePalm).
More blah blah about returning home and Christian being afraid of the tickles and Ana telling Christian how fabulous he is (SoBoredAliceBangsHeadOnTable). And then – holy crap, E.L. James discovers a brand new invention – the Internet has a chat feature? Who fucking knew? (FacePalm) She chats with Kate and chat-yells at her for mentioning that Christian is a dom and Kate apologizes and they make happy faces (FacePalm). Finally, Ana has a bad dream about losing Christian (sounds like a good dream) and realizes that her greatest fear is losing him because she’s the most co-dependent chick on the face of the freaking planet (AnaFail, FacePalm). But at least the chapter ends.
Final Score = 100-60=40 or
For our next question, we’re doing something new! True or False! You have three opportunities now for a happy or frowny face. Or more if you’re cheating.
Question 5A: Ana is the worst character in the history of ever. True/False
Question 5B: This book has caused brain damage. True / False
Question 5C: E.L. James plans on writing a youth novel next. True / False
Good luck! And remember everyone is a winner! Not really!