50 Shades Flunked: Lesson Four

Crap this is crap.  Crap, crap, crap.  But at least I’m already on chapter . . . four. 

Poor Pony. He might need to be shot soon.

Alright, so A) Ana hits the yacht with her jet ski and kaboom is wrong (don’t tell sad pony).  Also wrong is B) Christian takes dirty pictures of Ana.  Well, at least it’s wrong so far.  That only leaves C) The emails.  They’reeeeeeeeeee baaaaaaaaaack!

Now you’ve done it, James. Kitty Brains everywhere.

Okay, so chapter four opens with Ana feeling restless.  I am on the edge of my fucking seat here (BoredNow).  Ana gets an idea in her tiny, tiny brain to take out the jet-ski by herself and tells poor Taylor (AnaFail). Wow, who could think Christian might have a problem with the biggest moron in the universe taking out a jet ski?  Considering she face planted in his office and all she had to do was walk across carpet, this should go so well (FacePalm).

Taylor hesitates (Guy wants to live.  Go figure.) so she gets all bravefaced and courageous and tells her husband she wants to go out! (AnaFail)  Wow, like, I don’t have to get bravefaced for that.  I just say “I’m going out.”  And husband says “Bye.”  But for Ana-kins, this is a major achievement (FacePalm).  She says “Taylor doesn’t hide his admiring smile.” (AnaFail)  He’s not admiring you, you little twit.  He’s thinking “Can I kill her and make it look like an accident?”

Yes, Taylor. Yes you can.

So she figures out the jet-ski after only a couple of tries (naturally) and is all “this is fun!” and “Ha ha! It still keeps going!” and “Math is hard!” (AnaFail)  She spins around the boat and Christian sees her and takes out his gun and plugs her one and for once I actually like Christian. Oops. Drifted off again.  Anyway, he sees her, and Ana thinks “What was I thinking?” and I think “Nothing, bitch” and Christian gets madfaced, and poor Taylor has to listen to his shit (AnaFail).  Yet Ana doesn’t feel bad for him, she feels bad for her poor “pathologically overprotective husband.”  Yeah, um, did you notice the whole “pathological” thrown in there, Ana-kins?  That’s not a good thing (AnaFail).  And Taylor, you really don’t have to take this.  It’d be so easy to kill them both.  No one would have to know.  Secret’s safe with me.

Ana talks to Christian on the phone and is all excited because she gets “permission to have fun.” (FacePalm).  Having just gotten off the phone, it only make sense that Ana would then decide to . . . God no . . . email him. (EmailAbuse).

Now I’ve had to go and get a new kitten. Great.

Moving on, Ana goes shopping and whines about how hard it is to be rich (BoredNow, AnaFail).  She calls up pathetic, stupid, lovesick Jose, wakes him up, and asks him what kind of camera she should buy new husband.  He’s a little annoyed by this and Ana thinks “I don’t need this right now” because crap, why wouldn’t he want to be woken up by someone he has a thing for so he can give her advice on a gift for her asshole husband? (AnaFail, FacePalm)  Ana returns to the boat and gives Christi-poo her gift – a Nikon Camera.  Why is it always a brand name?  Is she fucking getting paid for this?  How many sponsors does she have?  And why would they want to sponsor this? (WTF)

Ana’s subconscious “glares at her like she’s a domesticated farm animal.”  Good one, subconscious!  She tells him he can take pictures of her, and he gets all freaked out, and worries that he might be objectifying her by taking her picture (that’s objectifying?  WTF?) and Ana is all I totally love rough sex just not hickies and Christian is confused and so am I (AnaFail).  Ana thinks Christian being “uncomfortable” about her bruises is “chilling.” (AnaFail).  No, that would be normal, Ana, which admittedly confuses me, since we’re talking about Christian here.  So she questions him about what’s wrong, blah blah blah (BoredNow) and takes stupid pictures of him and then he sticks his peen in her (SexyTimes) and this does nothing to relieve my boredom (StillBoredNow).  Then they lay there and blather on about their vows (AlicePukes, EvenMoreBoredNow, FacePalm). 

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED!!!!!!!

More blah blah about returning home and Christian being afraid of the tickles and Ana telling Christian how fabulous he is (SoBoredAliceBangsHeadOnTable).  And then – holy crap, E.L. James discovers a brand new invention – the Internet has a chat feature?  Who fucking knew? (FacePalm)  She chats with Kate and chat-yells at her for mentioning that Christian is a dom and Kate apologizes and they make happy faces (FacePalm).  Finally, Ana has a bad dream about losing Christian (sounds like a good dream) and realizes that her greatest fear is losing him because she’s the most co-dependent chick on the face of the freaking planet (AnaFail, FacePalm).  But at least the chapter ends.

Final Score = 100-60=40 or

For our next question, we’re doing something new!  True or False! You have three opportunities now for a happy or frowny face.  Or more if you’re cheating.

Question 5A:  Ana is the worst character in the history of ever.  True/False

Question 5B: This book has caused brain damage.  True / False

Question 5C: E.L. James plans on writing a youth novel next.  True / False

Good luck!  And remember everyone is a winner!  Not really!

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26 responses

  1. 5B is definitely true, which is why I don’t think that giving us quizzes is fair. But … having said that even Kitty knows that 5A is true and as for 5C God I hope its false. Imagine having insight into James’s youth fantasies. Scary scary thought.

    1. What’s scary is according to one interview I read because I like smacking my head against a wall these books are her youth fantasy. Like, ew? I still refuse to believe she could really be the author. She has to be fronting for some thirteen-year-old so that the authorities don’t get involved.

      Quizzes aren’t fair, they’re FUN!

      1. I read that too somewhere. Ok fair enough. So when she was 13 years old she had this fantasy. Scary as that is, it’s a whole less scarier than the fact that she wrote about them now. You would think that after 4 decades she would move on. Or at the very least get better fantasies

    2. My theory is she’s trapped in some sort of pseudo-adolescence. There’s the childlike writing, but even worse, the constant references to children in relation to sex. One or two you could ignore, but it’s CONSTANT which makes me think she must have intended it that way. Creepy.

      1. Yes that particular ickiness has me hiding behind the couch in fear. I have made frequent mention of the wrongness of this on my blog posts and in my comments on other blogs. My feelings on this have been well documented.

        1. Oh, yes, I remember. You had a most excellent post on this crappy series. I also wonder about her foot fetish. Feet? Especially man feet? Yuck. Then again she also compares their packages to popsicles so . . . blech.

          1. The popsicle thing got me too. I mean wouldn’t it melt … oh don’t even answer that 🙂

  2. I was only able to reach about 20 pages before brain damage set in for me. Haven’t read it since.

    1. When the book started off with the cliched “girl looking at herself in the mirror” crap, I knew I was in for it. I was right. It started at low and has gone downhill from there.

  3. 5a. True. 5b.true. 5c. At least there won’t be as much sex…if true.but…what would be left? Gag.

    1. I guess lots of staring at each other in a meadow like in Twilight? Although in Book Four he’s chewing a baby out of her stomach so I’d argue that maybe youth books aren’t entirely youth books anymore anyway.

  4. True, true, and–dear God I hope it isn’t–true.

    1. I have to admit I am morbidly curious about how they’re going to do this movie. No matter how you slice it, if it’s anything to do with the book at all, Speaker and I will have a field day with it. Saying we recover from these recaps in time.

      1. I’m not sure how it could manage an R-rating from what I’ve read about it. Sounds like an NC-17 to me.

  5. Agreeing with everyone above: true, true, and really-hope-it’s-not-true-but-i-have-a-feeling-you’re-leading-us-all-into-that-it-IS-true…

  6. That E.L. James is writing a youth novel has to be false or I will bludgeon myself with a jet skil

    1. It certainly is a tempting idea. Too bad Ana’s a fictional character. I’d much rather bludgeon her.

  7. Question 5A: Ana is the worst character in the history of ever.

    True!

    Question 5B: This book has caused brain damage.

    True! I can feel my brain cells curling up and committing suicide and I’ve not even read the book, only your descriptions!

    Question 5C: E.L. James plans on writing a youth novel next.

    Dear goodness, no, I really hope not!

    1. Brain cells curling up and committing suicide – what perfect commentary on this book.

  8. Have you seen the reviews on Amazon for 50 shades? I’ve just looked it up on amazon.co.uk and my goodness, funny as!

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fifty-Shades-Grey-E-James/dp/0099579936/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1352226463&sr=8-1

    and for the boxed set:

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fifty-Shades-Trilogy-Boxed-Set/dp/0099580578/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1352226463&sr=8-2

    I swear, you’ll recover some brain cells by reading the reviews of the people slating it!

    1. Yes! I have a post – Reflections on 50 Shades of Grey – and I posted some of the funnier titles – just the titles of the reviews cracked me up.

      1. Part of me wishes I had more time to read them all… But I’m not wishing to be chained to my laptop all night!

  9. Hey, I was right about the emails! Even though they are on a honeymoon, I guess they do still need to email each other . . .

    I say the first two are true. I hope to God #3 isn’t true. We don’t need her indoctrinating the youth with her stupid ideas. That is when reading would actually become a bad hobby for a child.

    1. I know. My husband and I email each other all the time. It sure beats communication!

      An E.L. James youth book is the only instance in which this librarian might recommend censorship.

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